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OK, I am not getting the outpouring of advice I had hoped from my last blog!

Kevin The Man's picture

I am looking to hear advice, good, bad, ugly about how I should approach this. Was it because I accidentally mentioned her name and you all are named Heather?? Haha
She has recently told me she needs space, and I am a guy, I have issue with that but after thoroughly pissing her off with text messages that she will rarely now answer, I will. I have a new conundrum though. My parents are coming to this new town for the first time and I want them to meet her, the kids, and the dog. What terrible timing. Anymore advice for the ol' Kevin The Man??

Kevin The Man
'Smells as clean as bleach'


Stick's picture

I did respond to your one post... Not sure if you saw it... or if you just wanted additional advice...

Stick's picture

I'm not sure, honestly if you see all of the responses to your posts because sometimes when I go to see what others have to say on yours, there's 2 of them... so there's some on one and some on the other. I'm not sure why this is for you posts? So = anyway, Selkie and I both answered yesterday and then the above... If you are looking for someone in particular to answer, you may want to put their name on the top!! Just to get their attention!! Good luck

Selkie's picture

If she wants space, the last thing she needs is to meet your parents. Respect her. How she feels towards you and whether or not she can trust you is a little more important at this point than appeasing your folks' desire to meet her. She'll just think you're using your parents' visit as a manipulation tactic to see her despite her stated wish for space.

LotusFlower's picture we're clear u ASKED for advice and honesty....cuz this has been an issue n here lately...LOL...anyway...I don't get it....she says u are the only father figure her boys know, yet she doesn't want to celebrate Father's Day?...I don't know what is going on with u guys, but I think these kids need some yur parents are coming into the picture?....what are these kids supposed to think now?...I dunno, if it were me, I'd cancel my parents visit until my SO and I figured out what the hell is going on between us. The last thing these kids need is more people introduced into their lives that may not be there in the future....are u guys married?

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

Stick's picture

Although I said yesterday I wouldn't respond to any of Holly's vents because I don't want to cause an issue, I do want to point out what I think is a unique opportunity for a look at 2 sides of the same coin. Disclaimer... this is my thoughts. If you have an issue with them, let's not round up the whole steptalk wagons like Cowboys and Indians. PM me and we can discuss. OK? Or not, I don't care.. I am ready to take another beating. By the way, I don't think this is harsh. Here we go...

Both relationships have their own nuances and other baggage that make each unique. But I am talking about this ONE particular issue that strikes ME (and I'm saying ME here) as similar. And that issue is control / feelings of helplessness.

Holly feels that her DH tries to "force" his little girl on her and force the relationship and she feels resentment. Although she WANTS the relationship, she wants it to develop at a different pace, one of it's own making. (Setting aside other factors as to how the baby came about, etc.) More importantly, I think Holly wants to wrap her head around some of the things that come with this child / relationship, and deal with all of those emotions too. LOOKING AT IT THIS WAY (God, how I feel I'm opening a can of worms here so IT'S JUST THIS INSTANCE, OK???) Kevin's girlfriend, in my mind is similar to Holly.

Kevin, on the other hand, is trying to actually force his relationship on his girlfriend to go sooner, farther than the she's is ready for right now. The meeting of the parents, the fathering of the children when the main relationship isn't at that point yet. He wants it to develop on HIS time and doesn't understand... if he loves her... why isn't this just going along smoothly? Why is it so difficult, if both people love each other? Why can't she pull her weight of the relationship? Why is it on him?

Kevin's reactions strike me as a combination of Holly and her DH. Holly - in that she feels that she's pulling the weight. But Holly's DH - in that he may actually be doing what he's doing, not out of malice, but out of "that's how HE is". (It's a guess, guys, but it's a guess that doesn't tear Holly's DH down as a jerk, just because he's not quite father of the year yet. He doesn't have that much experience as a dad, as far as I can tell.)

Both Holly and Kevin are saying these things out of LOVE and frustration. Both of them feel put out. Holly, I think if you look at Kevin's blogs, you might agree that he isn't trying to force himself on his gf and her family out of anything but love. Kevin, if you look at Holly's blogs, I think you might agree that Holly, if she had a little SPACE from her DH and her SD, without feeling the whole "weight of the world" on her.... if he would just take his daughter off of her hands once in a while, she'd be in a far better frame of mind.

My only advice to NO ONE IN PARTICULAR Wink is to take a step back, and just look again around you. Try to let the relationships progress without putting YOUR own expectations on them of exactly how they "should" be. Try to give the other side the benefit of the doubt. I have read once that when you have EXPECTATIONS you are bound to be DISAPPOINTED.

Does anyone else see Holly and Kevin as similar? Or am I just wayyyy out on the beach somewhere waving to you all back at the penthouse suite of the hotel?

BMJen's picture

"let's not round up the whole steptalk wagons like Cowboys and Indians"

To funny! LOL! I only have one question, am I a cowgirl or a indian? Wink

To the poster, give this woman her space. You have no chance to win her back by smothering her (not that your doing that) but I know when you love someone you want to surround yourself with them. It's hard to not smother! But if she needs a break give it to her. Reflect on yourself. You just may find that YOU are the one that wants a break.

~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~

Sita Tara's picture

Because when I asked for space to sort it out he wouldn't allow me to have it...

Give her space. Do not call, but let her call you when and if she wants to. You will not win her back by trying so hard to connect with her if she has disconnected.

I have given this advice to my friends in similar situations. You have to give someone an opportunity to miss you if they are ever going to consider coming back to you. If they find they don't miss you then they won't come back, but if you don't give them that opportunity, then they will RUN further away.

I think my exH's biggest mistake was not going to live at the other house we owned the minute I said I wanted to split. Instead he dragged his feet, making excuses that he couldn't go yet, until his atty actually told him to go. My exH at that point claimed if he moved out I could claim abandonment and his atty's exact words were, "She's given you every single thing you asked for in the agreement and more. I have met a lot of couples divorcing and I can honestly assure you that your wife gives no indication of trying to blindside you."

I was very grateful.

So my best advice is, have a fun time with your parents. But don't include her in it at all.

Let her miss you. If she doesn't she won't be back. But if she does she will, and that will allow you both to have a mutual approach to reconciling.


"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I

October8's picture

The other thing to consider is that when a woman tells you she wants space, sometimes it is just space to sort out her thoughts, but many times it is also a way to let you down gently.

It seems from reading your posts that you want more of a commitment than what she is ready for and that can be scary. Albeit, some women appreciate a man who wants that your SO may just not be the one.

People grow in different ways and want different things from life. If she isn't at a place where she can picture life with you than you are lucky in that you didn't vest more time in a relationship.

Please don't introduce her to your parents. That's just going to push her further away.

One can only hope!

belleboudeuse's picture

She has said she wants space, for whatever reason (either because she wants to break up or because she really does need time to think). Giving her space is the ONLY solution. Anything else will drive her farther away, assuming there's a chance she might want to continue the relationship down the road.

So, here's the only solution: give her her space. Do not visit, don't call, don't text, don't email. Don't take your parents to introduce them to her. Tell your parents that the two of you aren't together at the moment and you don't know what the future holds. Then: MOVE ON with your life. Focus on your life, the things that make you happy, go hang with friends, spend time healing from this. If she needs space, and you say to yourself, "Well, I'll just wait until she's ready to start again," you're not really going to be able to give her space. You'll be too focused on the relationship to stay away, and you'll just drive her away that way.

Let her go, physically, mentally and emotionally. She's heard what you have to say. If she wants you back, she'll come find you -- she knows where you live! Smile

Stay strong, Kevin!


- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Stick's picture

Loved the MOVE ON with your life!! It's the most important part of giving space!! Smile

October8's picture

sometimes we can be so focused that we make the SO's problem an issue of us.

You may ask yourself why it is that she doesn't want you and you have to remind yourself that there are other influnces in life besides the relationship.

She may be working through these other issues. Also, depending on the type of person she is, she may feel smothered, and once you feel like that, in MY experience, you opt to run.

One can only hope!

Rags's picture

have some quality KTM/MomTM/DadTM time without the GF (TBD), her kids and her dog.

Once you disengage (per her request) she will either start calling you when she realizes that you have honored her request or you will both move on. Either way you will be fine.

I have what I call Rags's three day rule. A breakup only hurts really bad for about three days. After three days, each day it hurts a little less until eventually the breakup is just a memory and becomes part of the new and improved Rags.

Give her the space she asked for and hang in there. She will either come to you or you will both move on to better relationships. (Okay, maybe she won't move on to a better relationship, but you will.)

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)