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PLEASE HELP I NEED ADVICE !!!!!!!!! Please please read

Liztheschmitt's picture

Hello, my name is Liz and I'm married to a wonderful man named Kevin. Our relationship is wonderful, and we are eachothers rock in everyway. There is one thing that is a constant fight in our relationship and family. His ex-wife causes so many problems in our life that we have here, that we constantly will fight. Our house is chaotic all by itself. Kevin and I were both married before, and we have two children from each of our divorce, plus we have one together. So all together we have 5 wonderful boys. My ex husband is not in the picture, other than a few emails and phone calls. Kevin has really stepped up the plate to be a great step dad to my two older boys. He is far from a part time dad, and has his kids half the time. They are at our house Wed-Sat evening and occasionally till Sunday AM. Kevin and I both work full time and used to have the same days off, but due to scheduling conflicts with kids and the price of daycare we have recently switched to opposite days. Kevin pays child support plus debt payments to his ex wife because in the original divorce decree he agreed to pay 90% of their marital debt. He gave his ex everything in the divorce because he wanted his kids taken care of, its always been about them. Money is very tight in our family, and we try to overcome the money situation by doing family things together that does not cost a lot of money. Since day one even before Kevin and I became serious with eachother his ex wife has tried to come in between us. In the beginning she used to invite him over to her house to cook for him, fix something in the home, or do family things together. When Kevin wanted to take our relationship to the next step after 7mth of casual dating, I told Kevin if he wanted a relationship with me, than I would not be put in the background while he went and played house with his ex wife. I didnt find it fair, I had no problem with getting along with his ex wife, but she made it more than clear that Kevin was allowed in her kids life but she wanted me to be no part of it. We introduced our kids to eachother after 6 mths, and tried to not just force them into a life together. After a yr, Kevin and I moved in with eachother. His ex again got very mad, and stopped letting them come over on "his" days. Eventually Kevin had to go back to court to make their vague divorce decree an actual decree with set days so that he had his kids on assigned days and she couldnt stop them or keep them from coming over. She admitted to him that she used the kids as pawns because thats all she had left to use against him. During this ugly battle his ex contacted my ex husband and along with her sister they befriended my ex husband and his new wife at the time, trying to dig up dirt on me. Every chance she got she would try to tell Kevin something that she thought he didnt know about me. Eventually after a yr that ended because my ex borrowed money from Kevin's ex wife and failed to pay it back. Kevin's kids and I used to have a very healthy happy relationship, and they adored me, but then I became pregnant with Liam. His ex wife found out threw the internet, she used to stalk my web page. I have since deleted the page, because it caused way too much drama. When I was pregnant with Liam, I ran into Kevin's ex while she had Brandon and Josh with her, the children froze, they didnt know whether to say hi to me or ignore me. I broke the ice and said hi, and they mumbled a hi, and walked away. It really hurt me, and bothered me that they were afraid to acknowledge me in front of their mother. The boys know that their mom does not like me, she makes it more than clear and says things in front of them to other family members in her household, mainly her sister. I know that Lisa (Kevins Ex) was furious when I became pregnant, she even made a nasty comment and asked him if he was sure it was his, and that she wouldnt have figured he would want another kid after all the stuff he goes through with the two they have together. I dont know what she meant by that, and to this day I dont know. I have tried to have her involved with the kids when we do get togethers for events in their life such as birthdays, but she will have no part. She continues to invite Kevin to birthday parties that she plans, but tells him flat out that Im not invited and she does not want me there. She does not care that we have a life together and share our whole family together she rather pretend that I dont excist at all. It has now became so bad with her that Kevin's kids are very disrespectful when they come over and its not fair to anyone in the family, including each of them. Lisa will tell the boys that their dad does not help pay for items that they have at their mothers house, which is not true, because half of Kevins pay check goes to his ex wife. My ex husband does not pay child support on a regular basis so we do not receive any help for my two older boys. Kevin and I have been really thinking about moving closer to his family that lives in Idaho because of the financial straints we have here. We know that the financial problems will not go away but with a family support system we feel that we will be happier. Kevins ex wife is poisoning his children against him and she wants nothing to do with trying to communicate and co-parent with him. Its her way or no way. When Kevin told her that we were going to be moving she wanted to have nothing to do with working out a fair plan, basically she said that if he moves he will get visitation and she will get full custody. My husband feels that he cant even voice his opinion because her parents will pay for a lawyer like last time and he will lose even worse. With the boys recent behavior issues and total disrespect when they come over here, my husband feels that he has already lost his children. Kevin and I try to go to a therapy session once a month, but money is tight and $25.00 is a big deal in this family, and just have a hard time coming up with the money. Recently since Kevins kids have been acting the way they do, Kevin tried talking to his ex wife, he told her that he was not going to force the kids to visit him anymore, that obvisously they dont want to come over and they make it clear, and its not fair to anyone on the way they treat everyone, so he was not going to force them. When he confronted her about this she asked him if he was sure that he had tried everything. Once again she made it his fault, and did not ask if they both could try something. She always makes it Kevin's fault when it comes to everything. She can never admit fault or try to work together. Kevin asked her if she could meet with both Kevin and I, and she of course said she had to check her schedule. That was over 3 wks ago, and It wont happen. Its tearing my husband apart. I dont want to replace my step kids mom, but I dont want to be disrespected in my own home. We need help, there are so many things that need to be addressed. I dont know where to start. I want my step kids to have a relationship with their father and their mother. PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pastepmomof3's picture

This is a very hard situation, because not only is it an issue for your DH, but it also affects your own BS's plus your BS w/ DH. I can tell you from experience that my DH tried this approach with his SD and XW#1. He told them that when she was ready to come back and have something to do with him, they knew where he was. These words were spoken kind of in anger and was not how DH truly felt, but like your DH, felt helpless and rather than continue to make waves, just gave up and walked away. A year later he charged XW w/ contempt of their court order which prompted a new custody agreement.

You're not alone. Something our lawyer recommended to my DH was to take SD out for dinner and talk to her alone. This might be something your DH can try. Get the SS's away from BM and he can just tell them that he loves them and he wants to have a relationship with them but he won't tolerate their disrespect of the rest of their family. A little heart to heart can go a long way, especially between boys.

Good luck to you.