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Going crazy over BF's (almost non existent) parenting and his daughters spoiled ways

Justsmile320's picture

Well, my boyfriend and I have known each other for about five years but we have only been a couple for nearly one. Things have happened quite fast, I moved in about six months ago and I am now four months pregnant with my first child. He has a twelve year old daughter and for the most part she is a pretty good kid. Before I moved in I thought she was an amazing kid but now having lived with her I'm noticing some faults.Nothing too bad, just she has no structure and frankly does whatever she pleases. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or what but the littlest things are really starting to bug me. She doesn't pick up after herself, she lies, she never takes the blame, shes quite bossy with other kids, and at times can be disrespectful. Really it's all her dads fault for allowing this behavior. I try to add some structure by making her pick up after herself and keeping her room cleaned but I have no back up and her dad never makes her face any consequences so nothing lasts very long. Because I have no children of my own, how can I tell him how to raise his daughter? I don't know what to do anymore and I am afraid this relationship isn't going to last if things don't change. 

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I love dogs's picture

How do you think he'll parent your mutual child? How often is SD with you? Does he brush you off when you ask him to parent or express your concerns/ opinions about her behavior?

Justsmile320's picture

That's what I'm wondering lol. With her in school and in an after school program not a whole lot of time during the week with her. Mostly just a few hours before bedtime and the weekends. This summer it's going to be a lot of just her and I during weekdays cause he works full-time and I only work part-time. I have brought some things to his attention and some simple solutions and he's agreed with me on some of them but has yet to follow through with anything. I have noticed lately that my opinion doesn't seem to matter otherwise changes would have already been made. So I'm starting to feel like he just brushes it off. I don't know if he just doesn't want to deal with it and it's easier to let her have her way or if he literally doesn't care if she grows up to be an entitled, selfish, slob of a person in her future.

I love dogs's picture

It's also the rose colored glasses. These dads can't see that their pwecious pwincesses aren't as perfect as they'd like to believe. I hope the summer goes smoothly for you. SD12's preteen attitude is so annoying. She used to be a very vibrant young girl when I met her at age 5. Now she's just bland and her only response to anything is "I don't know" unless she wants something. Welcome to Step Hell- the level of preteen girls.

SteppedOut's picture

I became pregnant with my son after dating my exSO for 8months. It was a HUGE surprise as my tubes were tied. Long story short, we tried to live together. I had limited "real life" experience with his son; however, knew there were some issues due to lack of parenting, excessive spoiling and the dreaded "not my child, my child is perfect" syndrome. There my be so psychological issues with the child as well.

His son became a MONSTER with jealousy and there were hygiene issues (you know like insisting the use of toilet paper...), poor school performance, lies, stealing, not picking up after ones self doesnt even TOUCH the issues there...

My exSO's son's behavior got so bad I packed me and my little one up and moved back to my house while my SO was at work. It definitely got worse after i had my son. The jealousy was so extreme. 

After I left of course there were promises that it would all change and it would be all better if I just came back. After trying for so long I knew things wouldn't change..or may briefly change, after major struggle only to return to "normal". I also knew I would always have to remain on high alert... broken glass was found in my baby's play areas multiple times with no known cause.

Normal was dangerous for my baby. There was no way I was bringing my son back into that toxic dangerous situation.

It took me some time to "get back on my feet" financially. My exSO was mad we left and would not return because "I hated his son" so did not help at all until child support order was put in place.. that's a whole other nightmare. 

Don't ignore those feelings. They are there for a reason. 

Please take care of yourself, your finances in the event you have to leave, and your baby once he or she is born.

 

Justsmile320's picture

God I hope it doesn't come to that. I really want us to work and become a functional family. I'm a little worried about her getting jealous of this new baby, it is a girl and she's always been daddy's only little girl.  Babies take up a lot of your attention and time, so I do see her acting out a bit when the baby comes. That's mostly why I'm trying to get a handle on her now while I have time to get some structure and routine in place before the baby arrives. I just need him to stand by me and get some rules in place and actually enforce them and the ones she already has.

Saint_Gus's picture

Regardless of whether or not you've raised kids before, you have every right to set standards and conditions in your own home. The 12 yo sounds like a normal kid. Consistent (and calm) repitition of what's expected will eventually work most of the time. It won't ever be 100% compliance (kids are kids) but it should be 100% reinforcement from you. A LOT, I mean A TON, easier if DH is on board to help, but don't feel like you need his backup to tell her to pickup after herself. Its what separates us from animals. Lol I don't know if you've ever watched that 70's show, but the dad used to always say "if it weren't for rules, we'd all being monkeys living in trees flinging crap at each other" (don't know why that popped into my head but it used to crack me up)

Justsmile320's picture

By back up, I mean on the facing the consequences end of it. For instance, she constantly says she has no homework but yet her progress report is very poor compared to her 4.0 GPA at the beginning of the year. So I suggested we leave her home with her grandparents this weekend while we go to an overnight event that I attend every year. He shot that down real quick and didn't give her any kind of consequences for her poor grades. I believe being able to get out and do fun things often is a privilege and reward for children. If we start making her miss out on some fun things here and there when she doesn't do what's expected of her she might just get the point. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Before you moved in with them, her dad provably did and still does experience her as a pretty good kid.  He is probably not unhappy with the parenting job that he has done to date.  He may not feel that rthe arrangement that they had in place  requires modification of mending.  Keep in mind you are asking him to fix something that to him is not broken.

 

When you have your baby, you will find that it will become very important to you to rear your child as YOU see fit and seem appropriate.   Your partner deserves that same right with his daughter.  Together,, you will make child rearing  decisions about your our child.

If  there are things that you do not wish to do for or with the daughter i.e.,cooking, cleaning, transport, etc assign those responsibilities to the dad. It does not sound as though the daughter is rude or  uncivil; so that is not a problem.

I think it is rude to move in with someone and immediately become unhappy with things in the household that were working to thier satisfaction particularly if these issues are issues in which you do not have to become involved.

Child rearing ,as you are about to discover  can be  a complex process. It is important that parents develop confidence in thier process and practices - and this may vary from child to child.  You found your SO with a bright, academically excelling, and seemingly polite child and now you wish to tell him that he  has poor parenting skills?

 Your input in this particular area may not be as well received as you might hope. It might be easier to decide what you are going to step back from rather than offering advice on a relationship that seems to have worked successfully for 

Maybe the 3 of you can focus  as a unit in planning for the new addition to the family. Let the dad manage any issues with the daughter and you relax and enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy. 

ESMOD's picture

Has anyone contacted her teacher to see why her grade went down? I'm not trying lo lay blame but we did find one if my ysds teachers lost her assignments and she got zeros....sd swore they were turned in and teacher did find them after looking. So it may be homework or it may be another reason. 

Now we never punished for bad grades but did reward good ones. If they struggled in schoolwork we sat with them to go over lessons.

Now if you will spend time with her over the summer it's a good time to reinforce expectations. Don't expect perfection and do expect lapses..dont set the bar so high she can't achieve. Punishment for forgetting isn't needed but consequences for lying are reasonable...we did time out from family and entertainment for a few hours.  Try to reinforce like..come on you need to pick up your stuff in the living room you are old enough to do it yourself

Justsmile320's picture

I think she's just getting older and isn't as focused on her school work as she used to be. She would rather play on the internet, watch TV, or hang out with friends rather than doing her school/homework. I get it, when I was her age I did the same thing. I had a horse so when I got home from school and was asked if I had homework I said no and took off to go ride my horse instead. 

Old sm's picture

I have been in your shoes; DH used to say that I didn't know how to parent his daughter bc, at that time, I didn't have any children of my own.  He kept saying that SD's problems were bc of me bc I wasn't a biological parent and I didn't know what I was doing.  Well, he was the biological parent and his daughter still lied, snuck out of the house, got knocked up, wrecked the car so apparently being the biological parent had absolutely no bearing on the fact SD was still screwed up.

In the end, I disengaged from trying to help with his child bc I was just getting kicked in the the teeth and I concentrated on making sure my biological children were raised correctly. Dh couldn't pull that same "bio parent" crap with me bc I was their mother and I raised them the way I was trying to help SD.

Guess what?  Both my kids were honor grads, colleges clamoring for them and making successes of their lives and relationships.  SD has been " going to college " for 10 years and still can't get a degree.  And the difference is, of course, DH "raised" SD and I raised our kids. Who turned out better?

 

I love dogs's picture

But did he help raise your kids or he was too far up SD's ass to take responsibility??

hereiam's picture

One does not have to have kids to know that lying, being bossy, being disrespectful, and not picking up after oneself, are not good traits.

I have no kids, but that did not mean I had to let my SD act however she wanted in my own home.

However, my DH did not let his daughter just do whatever she wanted. On some things, he was not as strict as I was (like no food in living room) but he still backed me up. He made her clean up after herself and keep her room clean. And when he let her eat a sucker in the living room when I was not home, it back fired because there were sucker shards in my carpet and they were busted! He realized why I did not want her eating in the living room and it wasn't just to be mean.

My SD is 26, now, and a complete slob, but at least DH and I can say that we tried to guide her in the right direction.

Curious Georgetta's picture

You into the home to help build his daughter's character, he might be perfectly satisfied with the job that he is currently doing in that regard.

Perhaps,the time to point out all of the issues that you had with his housekeeping and the changes that you expected to make, would have been prior to your moving into their space.

A more acceptable solution might be to clean as you seem appropriate and maybe ask if he would be willing to have a cleaning service come in once a month and do a deep clean.

I would imagine that neither he nor the daughter will be particularly responsive to the idea that you are coming to make them better or fix them.

Any time that I moved in with roommates, we would meet as a group and decide collectively what we could do to make the situation run smoothly.

Never once did it work out well when a new person moved in and attempted  to tell the group what needed changing. Collective input and group by in always worked better