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I should have slapped the daylights out of her!!

Justsmile320's picture

Well, for a second there I thought things were getting better around here. I have made a lot of progress with the stepdaughter who is now 13. Mostly just with things like picking up after herself, shutting her bedroom light off B4 she falls asleep, keeping her shoes off the furniture, little things like that. After the way she treated me a while back I almost hate this kid. Like, I am realizing she is not the person I thought she was and it scares the shit outta me that she is only 13 and is that fake.

Three weeks ago I opened her bedroom door and she (who was supposed to be cleaning her room) was sitting on her bed using Snapchat on a cell phone that she took out of my nightstand. When I opened the door she shot up and slid the phone under her blanket. I told her to hand it over several times and she wouldn't do it. When I tried to reach for it she put her whole body over it and wouldn't budge. I gave her several more opportunities to give it up and cop up to her shit and she just ignored me and shut down still holding the phone under herself. I tried to lift her up a little and reach under her to grab it then when I almost had it she shoved it down her shirt. I am not fishing around in there for it lol. So I lost my temper, yelled at her "fine when ur dad gets home we will deal with this and u r in deep shit" and I slammed the door. As I walked away I did call her a lying, thieving little snake because I was so frustrated and couldn't believe that I just caught her red handed and she still was lying through her teeth.

A little bit of history on how we ended up in this situation:

A while back she got cought stealing a phone from her after school teacher so this is where the whole lying and thieving part comes in. B4 that her own phone was taken away because she was caught telling lies to her friends on Snapchat about all kinds of crazy shit and even started a rumor about herself that she is pregnant. She swears up and down that someone had her password logged on and sent it to all her friends but after everything we have been through with her I'm pretty sure she did that all on her own. Which is why we took away her phone and internet privileges.

Anyway, shortly after I stormed away she came out saying "it was my tablet u saw I was trying to see if I could get it to work again" that of course was a lie so it just pissed me off even more and I told her she was full of shit and I know it was a phone that she was hiding from me. Then she tried to switch it up on me saying that I told everyone she is suicidal and cutting herself (which I kind of did do only cause I found a letter she wrote to her friend that had a bunch of lies in it and she wrote that she had been cutting herself and having suicidal thoughts and I got concerned and brought it to her father's attention and a few close friends and family members but her dad was right there with me telling them so that's not all on me) she said the only reason she thinks about killing herself is cause of me and I'm the liar and this and that she even got in my face slapping her hands together like she wants to fight. Shit was getting way too heated so I bailed to the neighbors until her dad got home (about a half hour). Even then she still didn't cop up to her shit and tried to make me look like I was crazy and making it all up to her dad. That Saturday I went to a engagement party for some friends and he took her to go grocery shopping with him. I get home and they are chilling eating popcorn, doughnuts, ice creams, like nothing even happened and all is just peachy. Once again that just pissed me off all over again. This time I was pissed off at him too for allowing her to treat me like that and then spoil her with sweets and junk food like she's a perfect little angel. That was the last straw for me so I just went to my room and went to bed to try and clear my head. Sunday morning I woke them both up and told them I needed to talk to both of them. I told them if she don't stop lying and start owning up to her bullshit and if he don't start holding her responsibile I will sell my horses and pack up my baby and my dog and I will leave. I do not have to put up with this shit and I will not live like this with her making all these terrible choices and not being held accountable for them. How will she ever learn how wrong these things are if she is always rewarded for that kind of behavior instead of disciplined? Her dad yelled at her told her to hand over the phone she still lied and lied and lied. This time she said it was her mp3 player she had. I knew she was full of shit and was never gonna admit it so I gave in and told her "I'm going to try to believe you but if u are lying I will find out." I hugged her told her I loved her and that this lying has to stop and we can get past this. Well, when she went back to school that Monday I searched her room there was no phone and I knew she had to have it in her back pack. I told her dad I wanted him to search her back pack as soon as she got home and sure as shit the phone was in there. He finally stepped up, chewed her a new one and sent her to her room. It literally took me 4 damn days to prove that I'm not the crazy liar and this child truly has a problem. 

Since then she has been grounded to her room unless she is cleaning, reading, or doing yard work. It's been over 2 weeks since she pulled this shit and she still hasn't admitted that those were the wrong choices or even apologized.

Also since this all happened I decided I do not want to be alone with her until she changes her ways and takes responsibility for her actions. I will not be responsible for a child that obviously doesn't respect me and is not going to listen to me. So until I feel like she has learned a lesson and will never pull some shit like that on me again she has to wake up when her father heads to work and spend everyday all day at her grandma's until he picks her up on his way home. Gonna be a great summer for her lol.

I just don't know what to do with this kid anymore. I can't trust her at all. I've tried everything I can to try to point her in the right path and teach her the difference between right and wrong. I've taken her horseback riding, out for girls days, down to sac to visit my family, I got her a puppy, gave her her first cell phone, I've done everything to build a relationship with her and this is what I get in return. Like I'm at a loss, only thing I can think of now is to get her into some serious counseling or send her little ass to church, I just don't know.

Maybe I should just move out cause if this shit doesn't change I know it will only get worse and that's not healthy for any of us. One thing I know for sure is my baby will not grow up to be like her. Sure she'll probably lie and make bad choices too but she will know that if she fucks up we are going to deal with it right then and there she will have to talk it out and acting like nothing happened will never be an option. It may be too late for my step daughter but my baby is going to know better right out the gate. I'm going to teach her responsibility, respect, honesty, and kindness. Everything her sister just can't seem to comprehend.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Why are you the one parenting her? It doesn't work for Dad's Girlfriend to come in and try to be a third parent to a teenager.  He needs to be home when she's there, or she can go to her mother's home.

You've come into her life and tried to tell her to do things that her father doesn't make her do and which probably feel nitpicky to her (sorry, who cares if she turns off her light before she falls asleep?). This isn't going to work.

Justsmile320's picture

I care if she turns her light out lol.  If she had it her way every light in the house would be on 24/7. She's plenty old enough she does not need to sleep with a light on. It's just her being lazy. I'm trying to teach her when she leaves a room or is going to bed she should turn out the lights. If she turned it on she should turn it off when she's done. I know it's a bit silly sounding but say she gets up in the night to grab a glass of water and goes back to bed...she turns every light on making her way to the kitchen and just leaves them on the rest of the night instead of shutting them off on her way back to the room. Idk maybe that shouldn't bug me so much but it does.

Her mother is a piece of shit who is not in her life because 1 when she was just a one year old a bf of her mother's threw her and sent her to ICU. That's when her father got full and complete custody. And 2 about 4 or 5 years ago her father let the bitch back in her life and she ended up holding her hostage with a knife to her throat until police arrived and took her down with non lethals. Luckily that psycho bitch is not in her life and I don't have to deal with her. I'm seriously considering getting a gun just in case she ever tries to show up here she's that bad.

EvilStepMom1977's picture

I have had to beg my step repeatedly to turn off his fucking light at night.  He says he just "forgets".  I pay the damn utilities.  I woke up at 4:00 with indigestion and it was on.

Seriously why is this that hard question mark I get madder and madder each time.  He's 12.

Winterglow's picture

Why should you be the one to leave? Tell your SO that she can no longer come to your house and if he wants to see her he has to make other arrangements.

Justsmile320's picture

Well I done fucked up and moved in with them after them both begging me to. It's been 2 years now of me living here.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Next time she takes something of yours and pulls this?

Quietly leave the room, grab a trash bag, and just dump all her crap in willy-nilly. If something breaks, so be it. When she hands over what she stole, say thanks and keep bagging stuff. She'll protest and you respond with "actions have consequences outside just the action itself". Then make het earn everything back on tiny piece at a time. Give her 6 months to earn it all back, and anything she doesn't earn back gets thrown out. That's a very tangible consequence to stealing behavior.

Granted, you don't have to be the one to do this. You can make this suggestion to your DH.

Justsmile320's picture

I did that when she got busted stealing from her after school teacher. She didn't give 2 shits. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then throw it all away. Plain clothes, mattress on the floor, one single lamp. Show her what prison will be like if she continues. If she wants something, she can earn the cash to go buy it herself, like a commissary.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

notasm3's picture

Next times she steals something from you call the cops while she still has it in her hand (or under her body). Why coddle an asshole thief?

Ispofacto's picture

This.  You never should have touched her on that bed.  She stole something and the police should have gotten it back from her and had a conversation about her illegal behavior.  And if she ever gets in your face and threatens you, again, call the police.

The time for talking this out with her is over.

 

Justsmile320's picture

Right it should have never gotten that out of hand. I should have called the police. It would have scared the shit out of her lol and she may have learned her lesson right then and there.

fakemommy's picture

13 is a hard age, and that challenging whether she has to listen to you is exactly 13.

I don't understand why it took 2 days. The cellphone wasn't in your nightstand, and it didn't grow legs and walk away. In parenting, you don't need the body to prove it happened. Also, someone couldn't call it to find it? I would have cleaned out her room the minute she hid it under the pillow. I would have told my DH the first day that he needs to handle it and not make it a her against you thing. You guys are supposed to be a team, he shouldn't doubt you. Cancel the cellphone and get rid of it. She's too immature to handle having one.

Justsmile320's picture

Yeah I can't wrap my head around that one either. If the tables were turned and it was my teen that treated him like that while I was at work all hell would have broken loose and that shit would have been handled ASAP. He's a great dad when it comes to providing for her and stuff but when it comes to holding her accountable for her actions it's like he doesn't know how to handle it and a generally doesn't even seem to want to. The phone had already been cancelled it was actually hers that I took away from her because she is too immature to have it. Him not handling it right away really pissed me off and I was seriously ready to pack up and leave over it but at the same time I was also determined to make him catch her with it and finally he did. Before we finally got the phone from her, she swore up and down she had nothing to do with the missing phone and he even said to her "there are only 3 ppl and a baby in this house it had to have been u" we could not get her to admit it. Even he didn't believe her and he didn't even whip her little ass and force her to hand it over. We even gave her chance after chance to give it up and told her we will still be upset with her but if she just hands it over now she won't be in as much trouble. Still she chose not to and ultimately got busted. She will likely be grounded all summer cause I am not letting up and will not let him until I am convinced that she is remorseful and realizes how wrong she was and actually apologies. 

Siemprematahari's picture

SD is so defiant and lies at the drop of a dime because her father doesn't address her. It seems like you do all the parenting here. When this 1st happened your H should have went straight to her room, talked to her,  take the cell phone and punish her. Instead 4 days went by because you had to prove she was lying?? His parenting is real sh!tty and you trying to enforce rules goes nowhere when your H doesn't seem to want to put forth the effort.

 

Justsmile320's picture

Absolutely right it's like I have to teach them both. I have to teach him how to actually parent her and teach her that she does have to abide by the rules. He did talk to her that night but he also couldn't get the phone out of her. He definitely could have persisted until he got it and should not have given up until he did but as soon as she turns on the water works he can't handle it and gives up. In my personal opinion....No! Fuck that if she wanted to cry and play the victim I would have given her a real reason to cry had the tables been turned and that was my kid pulling that shit on him.

Harry's picture

He putting his DD before you. He believes his DD over you.  He has no respect for you,   That major !!! She only 13. That  at least five more years.

Have to make sure you are never alone with SD. Your DH has to make arrangements for SD when he not home.  She needs professional help. Like MD after there name.  You have to make your DH he must respect you.  If you leave then what is he going to with DD. 

 

Justsmile320's picture

He straight up told me he doesn't believe her he believes me but at the same time he didn't do much about it and that's what really counts. She really does need some help. There is some twisted shit in that girls head. 

If I were to leave, things would go back to her never even being questioned about her wrong doings and she would run his life like she is trying to do to the both of us now. She might get away with it from him but not me. I will not let a 13 year old snobby, entitled, little shit determine how I live my life. 

beebeel's picture

I could have written this almost word for word four years ago when my SD was 13. We had the same shit, right down to the "suicidal" notes, social media inapporopriateness, and refusal to fork over cell phones smuggled into the home.

It was about five seconds after the police came to our door because of a confiscated cell phone that I washed my hands of that feral chick. I disengaged from anything to do with her and haven't looked back since. It helped that she started refusing to come here at 14. If you're lucky, that's the next step for this one.

Justsmile320's picture

Glad that someone else has been through the same shit lol. I'm sorry ur situation ended the way it did, that is very sad. He has full custody and she lives here 24/7. There is no option of living with her mother due to the fact that she's a psychopath who threatened her own daughters life and there is now a restraining order in place because of it. The only way I see my situation ending is I either give up and get my own place where I don't have to deal with her or him and her both make some serious changes. I try to disengage but I just can't if I'm still living here and seeing her do these things and no one doing anything about it.

Aniki's picture

"...on a cell phone that she took out of my nightstand..."

Lock up the phone so she can't get to it by snooping in your room and stealing things that don't belong to her. Take the door off of her room. 

Our cell phone plan allows us to Suspend a phone and make it unusable until it is reactivated. If phones will be left in accessible areas of your home, check into this option.

beebeel's picture

The problem is that phones don't have to be activated to connect to Wi-Fi and that's all you need to access social media. It sounds like it was an old phone of the OP's. I have like three of those in a drawer in my bedroom. If my SD was still coming here, I'd probably have to put them in the safe.

mollygreen22's picture

ughhhhh,  my heart goes to you this is tough one.  I remember when i was 13 i was terrible and put my mom though hell!   I cant imagine if i had a step mom in the picture.  In a 13 year old head you are the enemy but hold all the cards.  My advise keep your things to where she cant steal from you orr better yet let her. the only way for her dad to see that she has a problem is for him to see that she has a problem,  however she turns out is how she turns out no dust on your back raise your child to the best of your ability and you DH will eventually be like oh yea its my daughter that is a snake.  Being the nit picker you will loose every time and become exausted tryin to prove your self everyytime  My SS is only 10 and the same thing i hate the way he is and everytime i tried to change it i felt like the nit picker so i completely backed down.  His dad is now realizing oh shit my son has a problem,  When he dosent ask me for advise and i give my opnion he gets a litte frustrated,  but when he does ask me which is 9 times out of 10 he actually does it.  Im trying to pick and choose my battles because this ride is exausting ! 

Justsmile320's picture

It really is exausting. This was quite an eye opener for him and clearly he and I need to get on the same page before her and I can mend this. We've got a long way to go and even though I am so ready to throw in the towel, I just can't give up yet. I love him and her and really want us to be a family and make this work but I can't be the only one trying.

Cover1W's picture

I know how hard it is to ignore the lights, the mess, the attidue, but you HAVE to. I did this really successfully and it was the ONLY way DH finally actually understood how entitled his older daughter was.  And once he got it, and started laying down rules and expectations, she left for BMs where she had none.  And still has none as far as he can tell.

Just do it for a week, ignore her. Ignore the mess and attitude. Walk away. Work late, whatever. I go to bed a little early sometimes and just go read to get away from YSD at this point.  Did the same with OSD. DH can deal with it.

Lock up your valuable items. Get a little locking chest, you can get them fairly cheaply. 

libala924's picture

you need to pick your battles. My SS was the same way. The house was always on egg shells. Fights every day.........lies on lies on lies......... until...................... I acted my age and got smarter than him. Instead of taking the phone way and then getting pissed when he took it. I put a block on it. So even if he took it, it was locked no use to him. Killed the data to the phone (almost all providers have this ability to turn it on and off whenever you want). I never hide the phone he could always find it, it was right there and could never get into it. Don’t yell about the lies, I always said I know the truth and if you want how I feel to change then you need to change and prove to me I can trust you. They are not dumb but they are young and even though we as adults don’t understand this obsession with their phones this is how they are growing up even if we don’t like it. 

Justsmile320's picture

Thank you guys, this input really helps me. I will take this all into consideration and hopefully we as a family can all work it out.

EvilStepMom1977's picture

All I can say is I would have gotten a boot up the ass if I had pulled this as a kid.

My dad would have kicked me until next Monday and even my mom who is much more of a pushover would have come down on me like a ton of bricks.

What the hell is wrong with these daddies who don't want their kids to be upset during their parent time?