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SS23 is never moving out

justmakingthebest's picture

It's like 1 step forward 10 steps back. 

He learned how to cook pork chops. Great! Now he can cook 2 things! 

Then I sent him to get his oil changed and he calls to tell me he spent $190! He said yes to everything the offered. EVERYTHING. AND he was PROUD of himself. SMDH. 

He has no clue about the world. He is so gullible. He makes so many stupid mistakes and I know they aren't his fault. He is still mentally a 15 yr old. I have to remember that. 

Yes, he completed welding training. 3 years for an 18 month program. Yes he got a job at the shipyard- but it's through a government program for people with disabilities. He has been there for 5 months now and is still in intro training because he isn't getting through the welding classes there. He really can't be fired, they will just keep moving him around departments until he winds up a janitor or something because he is pretty protected in this program. But he is just not going to make it in the real world. 

His attitude with me is so bad that I just want to scream. He is struggling with "being an adult" but still living with mom and dad and having rules and expectations. It just sucks. There is no other way to describe it. DH was home for about 18 hrs yesterday. He did his best to try and explain the steps SS has to do again and backed me up. SS got shitty and told DH he was just going to move out. 

DH had to bark at him and remind him that he doesn't have anything. How is he going to cook? What is he going to eat on? What is he going to sit on? What will he watch? Where will he sleep? Has he gotten a new cell phone plan? His car titled in his name? His own auto insurance? How about a meal plan for the week? Grocery budget? 

All the things most people, go well, duh- I need to get those things handled and know what to do. Not my SS. He thinks he can just go "sign up" for an apartment and that's it! He didn't know he would have to pay an electric bill. He didn't think about internet. Like nothing. Just sign up for an apartment and Boom! 

He didn't even know it was an application and he had to get approved. My brain just hurts having to function for him and trying to teach him. He just doesn't pick up what we are saying and when I have to hold his hand to do something all I can think is- what's going to happen when I'm not here. He CAN'T do this stuff.  He is never going to move out. 

I knew that when DH and I got married but he really has come so far. I thought for a minute there was hope. But there's not. There just isn't. 


ESMOD's picture

It sounds frustrating for sure.. and it sucks that you are the one on the front line of dealing with it.

Are there any programs for people like him to transition to independence?  I mean.. he has issues.. and is not worldly at all.. but you don't know what you don't know. and maybe he needs to have someone riding shotgun when he tries out his wings.. and help explain the processes to him.. like the oil change.. if he had someone more savvy with him to guide him through the process.. and getting set up in an apt.. sure.. he won't be able to set it all up on his own.. but he might be able to maintain it with some outside support.

Or.. look into group home situations for him?

justmakingthebest's picture

The wait list for everything I have found is YEARS if it is decent. I did just email his DARS counselor to see if she had any ideas or contacts. Maybe we can get the life coach back in too. She was helpful for a little while and maybe he will take it more seriously since he knows that he needs to move out. 

ESMOD's picture

At minimum.. I would make sure he gets on every list you can get him on...

You may need to always supervise his finances.. and provide him with only a small amount of money for spending.. even micro manage his grocery shopping etc.. but having him outside your home.. even if his dad has to financially help that happen?  perhaps he will eventually be more self sufficient.

simifan's picture

Does SS have a case manager or supports coordinator? Ask around & find out what agency's people are happy with and have overall good reputations. Call the agency's yourselves, get to know residential admin & let them know your interested in any vacancy's they might have in their residential program. Remember, most agencies only have vacancies due to death or illness where someone must go to a nursing home. As soon as the person is gone, they agency isn't paid so vacancies get filled quickly, You want to be one their radar. If you are identified as a candidate for move in, it is easier to get funding; otherwise, the only ones funded are dire emergencies. 

Each state is a little different, but its similar in every state. If you have any other questions, PM me.   

Rags's picture

That gets him out of your house, gives him some autonamy and adult self care responsibility.

Make sure he finances it, he makes the payments, he pays his own utilities, and he pays for the maintenance on the pod and pays for weekly cleaning service. 


Rags's picture

When I owned restaurants, I employed several special needs people from a group home.  They did well at being diswashers, bussing tables, cleaning, stocking dishes, etc....

They could not function with life admiistration, cleaning themselves, getting  to work on time, etc.. That is what the home administrators/care providers did for them.  The structure was provided for them.

Not the same thing, but as far as his finances, there are advisors that can do those things for him.  We have my MIL setup with one.  All of her pay goes to her investment accounts, the advisor pays her bills for her and provides her with a discretionary spending allowance.  This makes sure her mortgage is paid, utilities are paid, she has food, etc..... 

I am sure there is guilt beyond belief at the thought os outsourcing his daily oversight to professionals. However, IMHO it is likely what is best for him, and for you and DH.

He gets some autonomy, you and his dad are not the ones to ride him on the basics, repeatedly, and he can have a job, friends, and his own place (a room or small apartment at the group home).




CastleJJ's picture

There are a lot of government programs for those with intellectual disabilities, especially if he has Medicaid. SS23 could move into either a young adult group home or a transitional independence housing center for young adults - they get their own apartment or have like 1 roommate, but it's in a small complex with others in the program. They have oversight and resources on-site so it's like adulthood with training wheels. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. My brother is on the autism spectrum and I know how hard my parents had to work to get him to launch. My brother is high functioning and he lives on his own, has a job, and is married, but there is still so much he doesn't understand about finances and life and when he fails, which is often, my parents have no choice but to be his backup.