You are here

Resentment is really getting stronger

justmakingthebest's picture

I swear the longer SS is here the more resentment both DH and I feel. 

We went Kayaking yesterday- it was gorgeous! The marina we launch from is in a historic area and there is this awesome brewery that overlooks the water and always has the best food trucks. So after 3 hours on the water, hot and sweaty Dh and I were both wanting a nice cold beer and food. Of course, we couldn't. DH starts getting cranky and talking about how we can come back in 2 weeks and do this again and actually have fun and grab a beer because SS won't be here to ruin it for us -- IN FRONT OF SS!

We were also discussing trips we want to take (If big Navy will ever let us again) over the next year with SS. Skiing at Christmas, Spring Cruise, Lake or Beach rental in summer. I told DH that I was fine with the Ski trip and taking SS but I don't want to go on a cruise or get a beach/lake house with not being able to have a drink. DH completely agreed. 

IF SS is going to act like this and not set the record straight when we go back to court and admit that he never cared if we had a beer or whatever that it was BM behind it, we just aren't going to take him with us. We are not alcoholics but who spends a week at the beach without a cocktail? Or goes on a cruise and doesn't partake? I mean in both of those instances you are on vacation and not driving, you get to kick back and relax. 

I am so glad that it only took a couple of hours on the water kayaking for DH to feel like I do! I think he always did before, but he wanted to be willing to deal with it for his relationship with SS. I am just glad that I don't have to be the bad guy. 

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

that SS got completely shit faced.  How dare BM try to project her and SS's alcoholism onto you guys!

In other news.. Kayaking.  Chef is totally wanting to start kayaking.  I just bought a beginner's kayak and we have a small lake with an extensive shallow part to go back and forth on.  Any tips?

justmakingthebest's picture

I love it! Any chance we have to be on the water I am on it. I think one of the best things about kayaking is that there isn't a whole lot to it. You find your groove and just roll with it. You can stop, enjoy the scenery, get beautiful pictures (I got some gorgeous Egrets yesterday).  Even SS20, who hates anything outdoors will go with us. He is funny and has a hell of a time paddling, he rocks that bad boy like he is going to tip with every paddle but even he loves it. 

 

Cover1W's picture

I was wondering when that would come up for you!

YSD, earlier in this past school year, in the fall, started questions about why we had a beer, or wine, or coffee or tea. Basically any adult beverage. DH was having none of it. He explained that it's #1 our choice as adults to have any legal beveridge in our home. Second we like it and keep it moderate. We get to choose not her. I reiterated this when once she asked me. We are not drinking only plain water like her.

She's also told DH to stop listening to the news while he's cleaning up the kitchen or cooking dinner because it was annoying - THAT didn't go well for her. Same thing for music with finner, we'll listen to jazz or something usually. I niw make sure that music IS playing.

 

 

justmakingthebest's picture

BELIEVE me, if it wasn't in our CO there is NO way  we would tolerate being dictated to by a teenager. 

tog redux's picture

Yep, the resentment comes from having a BM bot in your home, allowing BM to control you guys even when she's not there. It's not about being alcoholics, it's about BM taking away your fun via SS, just for sport.

I feel nothing but resentment for my SS anymore. He and BM are a package deal, and until he can think for himself, I have no interest in having him in my life.

Did DH ever ask SS why he keeps lying in court? Or just no energy for it? Maybe next summer's visit should only be 2 weeks.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

SS is the king of shrugging and looking away. 

I would get more involved and demand an actual answer but I am afraid that if I do I will cross a line so I just threw my hands up, said whatever and walked out of the room when DH asked him. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, my SS always just said he didn't know.

Maybe it's time to stop forcing more than a couple week-long visits a year.

justmakingthebest's picture

It might come to that. It is only 3 more years and only 2 more summer visits though. 6 weeks a year in total is just so little time, I wouldn't want to take that away from DH unless he brought it up...

tog redux's picture

Yeah, it would have to be his idea. But honestly, 16 is kind of old for a kid to come visit for a month, especially if he doesn't want to.  Not to sound like BM, but usually by then they have jobs, friends, girlfriends - and a week-long visit makes more sense.

ESMOD's picture

Absolutely!

I mean the kid is 15 not 5.  They made this limitation because he felt "uncomfortable"??? Unless there was a pattern/history of "over drinking".. of drama erupting when you two were drinking.. or a history of driving after drinking.. I don't think that the restriction is reasonable and I would have a hard time agreeing to go along with such horse hockey.

I know this guy feels he has to walk on eggshells with his son.. but I don't think I would have too much of a problem having a little man to man sit down about the issues at hand.. like lying in court.. like getting blasted after making a stink about alcohol.. about refusing phone calls and contact.  The boy thinks he is a man.. he can darn well explain himself.

 

 

 

justmakingthebest's picture

You are very right. Maybe I should suggest to DH that he sit down and read some of the things SS wrote to him. Tell him that it is time to discuss his behavior and words since he is "a grown ass man" and all. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Stuff like this is so annoying. BM is trying to exert control from afar. If it's not in your court order then you don't have to follow it. Who cares if the kid reports back. Those breweries usually have people with kids!

justmakingthebest's picture

Unfortunately it is in our CO.

SS told the GAL that when he was out here last time (he was 12/13) that we went bar hopping and had him DRIVING us around. I don't think anyone believed the story because he couldn't give a date, or name or any details but the GAL said that DH and I are not to consume any alcohol around SS because he is very sensitive to it. -- The judge ordered everything that the GAL said. 

ETA- That was a lie that BM made up. We don't even go to "Bars" and we would NEVER have a child drive us. We don't even drink excessively. If we do something like brewery hop, we uber and don't take kids! 

beebeel's picture

I'm trying to understand why you give a rip about a court order that has been repeatedly violated by the ex. Unless the judge wants his glaring double standards bared for all to see in writing, it would be highly unlikely your dh would ever see a contempt charge. Also, I would be so done with court at this point. Let the kid eff off to BM's. It's not like he has a true/healthy relationship with his dad anyhow... The only hope for that is if SS moves out of his mother'sand starts to have individual thoughts.

justmakingthebest's picture

We have to stay above reproach for this last contempt hearing.. suposedly at the end of summer but still not date- Grrr....

It is 100% worth not drinking if BM does go to jail for 30 days! And there is a lot of money on the line. 4 more contempt charges 6 weeks after her last guilty contempt. I mean, come on, she made it too easy and the judge was not happy with her. 

So we follow the rules and let her go down. For now at least,

beebeel's picture

I can completely understand wanting bm to do some time for her crimes....but I fear that would only make a martyr of her. I don't see a "win" for you guys concerning SS either way. Sad

fakemommy's picture

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the first time you guys have really expressed your feelings toward SS, like telling him how frustrated you are? I wonder how that will effect the situation once he goes back to BM's. I'm not hopeful, but I still wonder if he'll act differently knowing his actions are actually going to have consequences and do effect you guys.

justmakingthebest's picture

You are very right and I am curious about that too. 

In the past we have kept our frustrations in and not expressed anything towards him. We had to go 2 years with no visits, so March this year was the first time. We did talk a little then but this visit has been much more real. The only thing in March that made an impact is that we have cameras because he lied on the stand and I will not allow him to continue his lies- we have everything from his visits backed up on the cloud so if he wants to make and accusation, he better have a date and time or we will watch the entire visit in the court room! 

I think he understands that we are over the BS. What that will mean for the future- who knows? 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Just drink the beer.

Seriously. BM probably already has papers drawn up about how SS was allowed to drink and smoke pot the entire time he was with you. The first thing she'll do when he gets home is have him drug tested. She knows he'll pop on it, probably because she's his dealer when he's home.

You know the truth. DH isn't going to get any more time. BM isn't going to go to jail. SS is never going to live with you. So drink the damn beer.

And TELL SS why you drank the beer. That you know it was lies that he told, and you're over it. You won't let lies keep impacting you time and again. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Ladies- I just love you! 

This may become the case after this summer.

I personally have my Yeti cups for my "Diet Ginger Ale" that may or may not be 1/2 Whiskey (that is hidden in a suitcase in the top of my closet) nightly LOL- not loud and proud but not playing by the rules. What Ss doesn't know won't hurt his fee-fees. 

ESMOD's picture

I would be awfully tempted to do this.  I think that hoping the courts will do what you want.. is probably very unlikely.  They will be very, very reluctant to remove SS.. jail his mother or make any other changes or award your husband any money.

Time and time again you think you have a good case.. but his EX just has too strong of a hold and upper hand.  

By the way.. I don't see how the CO can dictate what OP does personally.. her DH yes.. but if she has a beer.. so what.. she is not a party to the CO..right?  Now her DH may be obligated to shield his poor wittle from the evil woman drinking.. but I would be having more than just a beer. haha

Ispofacto's picture

"Now her DH may be obligated to shield his poor wittle from the evil woman drinking"

Then DH can't go anywhere with SS.  "Alcoholics" are everywhere.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

You would think that I would not be a part of their CO but I am named in several places specifically. It is crazy. I swear that if anything I do gets brought up in court I want our lawyer to demand that I have equal custody of SS with DH and BM. If they are going to name me as a responsible party and restrict me than he can be my legal kid too.