Personal Responsibility
I really don't post much about SSstb19. He lives with us full time. DH has had custody since he was under 1 yr old. BM isn't involved at all (currently in jail and went on to have 7 other kids, custody of none). We believe that BM's teenage partying (17 when she had him) along with her own mental issues, is the cause of SS's psychiatric issues. Autism (mid rang functioning), ADHD, Major Anxiety Disorder are the big ones.
We were super proud of him when he got his job at IHOP. He went to soooooo many interviews and was rejected everywhere. He was working with a state agency but they were out of funding to place him until a few months ago (he is getting training from them now) so he had to do it on his own. I finally called an IHOP that is close by, knowing that he couldn't take another rejection and filled the GM in on him. She basically agreed to hire him on the phone with me. He went into the interview and when he walked out he burst into tears, he was so happy! 2 days a week he is a dishwasher. He is so proud of his job. He has been there for 8 months now.
My issue is that he often doesn't wake up for the job. He won't set an alarm even when DH and I remind him. He will sleep through the alarms when they do go off, etc. DH and I are both big on personal responsibility. My kids have had to be responsible for waking up and showering and getting ready for school since they were 8. SS is age adjusted to 12. I feel like we are doing him a disservice by pounding on his door telling him he has 15 mins to get to work,move it, rushing around and getting him there on time.
I don't want him to lose this job. He needs this job, not for money, but for purpose in life. However, he needs to FEEL the effects of his mistakes. If it didn't happen so often I would let it go. I am just getting very frustrated! DH will fuss, yell, try and talk sense in him, but it just isn't clicking.
Any ideas for creative punishments? Tricks that work?
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Honestly? In my work as a
Honestly? In my work as a therapist, I advise parents to let him oversleep and lose his job, and then perhaps he will make better choices in the future.
Does your area have job coaching and the like for people with developmental disabilities? That might take the pressure off you guys to do that for him.
He does and he goes but he is
He does and he goes but he is definitely the kind of person where if it it's not important to him in the moment, he won't do it.
He has 2 alarms, one kept under his bed so he has to climb under to get it out, but he will sleep through them. It is so loud we don't know how it is possible other than the fact that he will simply refuse to get up and deal with it. My bios get PISSED because when he refuses to wake up for that one, it wakes up the rest of the house. He will sometimes just turn it off and go back to bed.
It is hard for me to find the balance with him of letting him attempt to adult vs. treat him like a child.
Kids' brains are not fully developed at 19
And you indicate that your SS is more like a 12 YO. I would suggest getting at least two alarms, and the second one be very loud and be placed NOT near the bed, so he has to get out of bed to turn it off. Dad needs to set limits, same as he would do with 12YO. No TV, etc at night until he sets alarm, brushes teeth, etc.
Also, dad should limit gaming and screen time, and encourage good sleep habits. Have him put out his lcothes the night before, and maybe showering at night.
We actually have done all of
We actually have done all of those things. Especially with hygiene because he really struggles with that.
I do think limits for phone and video games is what our next move will have to be.
I also have an adult child on
I also have an adult child on the spectrum at home.
We face similar issues with not waking up, a need for greater sleep and screen time needing to be limited.
We have multiple alarms for him, one that requires a puzzle/math problem to be solved before it will turn off so he has to wake up. For a while bc his job was important to him, he asked us to help wake him and even put a glass of water next to his bed that he would splash on his head if he was dragging.
The best solution has so far been found in allowing him to get in trouble at work and feel the pain of maybe losing his job. At the same time, for my son, it's the one consistently good thing in his life and it won't be easy for him to find another job. The state disability agency helped him get this job He works full time in a call center (and is older than your SS). So I don't want him to lose the job because he won't interview well enough to get another one like it.
While letting him lose the job makes sense on so many levels its also complicated bc of the interview issues. In some ways it is my job to push him to be independent and in other ways it is my job to look out for his best interest. His maturity is about 16-17, but at times its more like 12.
I am going to look for that
I am going to look for that alarm! Very cool idea!
They also make helicopter
They also make helicopter alarms that launch and fly around the room making noise, so he has to get out of bed to get it and put it back in the base to shut it up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61BKyw_8u6k
We've also moved the alarm to
We've also moved the alarm to different parts of the room so that he has to get out of bed and find it. It helps him.
There's an app alarm that has math/puzzle password and I think there are some of them that are desktop alarms that require such an activity.
Given SS situation, I would
Given SS situation, I would treat it as you would school. You wouldn't let him miss school by oversleeping. Personally I use you lose 30 minutes of bed time for 30 days. If it happens again in that 30 days, 1 hour of bed time. Sending a 17 year old to bed at 8 pm may seem rediculous but it worked.
I would continue to wake him
I would continue to wake him up and make sure he gets to work, but inpose consequences in other areas. Losing screens, earlier bedtime, more chores. I would NOT go with the natural consequence of letting him be late to work and losing the job, because in his situation, there might not be another job to replace it, and the job is important.
I’d absolutely wake him up
I’d absolutely wake him up and make sure he goes to work.
Thanks everyone! I am going
Thanks everyone! I am going to talk to DH when he wakes up (had had an over night watch shift last night) about different consequences. We have threatened taking TV and video games from him before and I think it's time to do it.
I am in agreement that getting fired isn't the right natural consequence for SS. Under normal circumstances it totally would be, but given his disabilities I think that would be the worst thing we can do. While it does seem silly to ground someone who will be 19 in 6 days, it is really all we can do that will make an impact on him. It would be the same thing that I would do for BS13 if he missed the bus, right? Keep SS's job in my mind the same way I keep school in my mind for my bios.
My son is middle/late 20's
My son is middle/late 20's and we had to restrict his phone use recently. It isn't chronological age, it's functional age.
It’s so hard for him to get a job
I would not let him lose it, It’s good he out of the house working. Have to keep it that way. You have to punish him for not getting up. Take away phone internet after what ever a good bed time is for him. He loses 30 mimites for every time he’s not up in time. Gets time back if he gets up for a week. Type of punishment
I'm A History Buff
and when I think of the 1500s and how 15, 16, 17 and 18 yr olds were thought of as adults...particularly Lady Jane Grey and her 18 yr old husband, it makes me think society had digressed when we believe all young adults are still children and we make endless excuses for them, prolonging childhood for as long as possible as well as not letting them suffer the natural consequences of their actions.
What if these "children" were suddenly orphaned? I'm sure this is unpopular thinking in this day and age of helicoptering, which, I believe history will prove to be a detrimental fad.
An adult child with
An adult child with disabilities is entirely different than a coddled failure to launch adult child. And yes, if my child were orphaned he would still need extra guidance at this point.
I have a neurotypical child as well as a neurotypical SS and a nephew I raised as well. Neurotypical 17-19 year Olds are head and shoulders above where my atypical son is, socially and with many basic life skills. As a young child he was considered moderately to severely autistic, nonverbal and he's had extensive supports to improve. We've worked hard to get *here*. I am no helicopter parent. By pushing him beyond what a lot of people thought he was capable of, he has gotten here.
Under normal circumstances
Under normal circumstances and what we hold the other 3 children to, I would agree but this is entirely different. SSstb19 will likely never live on his own. If he were to be orphaned and another family member didn't take him in, he would live in a group home. We currently have plans in place if something were to happen to both DH and I, and as my in-laws grow older and as our children grow up those plans will change. We don't know where SS will wind up, and if we can get him to a place of some autonomy one day or not. However, that is our goal and we are working with therapist, social workers, job counselors, and anyone else that will help.
I agree that as a society we have regressed. Even in the last 20 years we have an entire generation of coddled brats who fail to launch. Hell, at 19I was married, I owned my own home and worked 2 jobs while going to college with no assistance from my parents. Kids today don't work like that. My kids will hopefully do better than most but things just aren't the same as they were then.
When I was 19, I slept
When I was 19, I slept through my alarm regularly. I also slept through fire alarms, police and ambulance alarms and crazy screaming fights. The only thing that would wake me up was being physically shaken, or someone jumping on my bed. Sometimes, my Moms voice yelling at me worked but usually she'd have to shake me awake.
I didn't do drugs, I drank occasionally but then I'd usually wake up really early because I was so thirsty and dehydrated.
The one thing that worked for me was getting a solid 8 - 9 hours of sleep. I had to be in bed asleep by 10 pm if I had to be up by 7am.
I eventually grew out of it and a regular alarm clock worked but it wasn't untill after I'd had my first child.