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Colors of the rainbow update

CLove's picture

Small update.

Wednesday is the beginning of visitation with Backstabber/Munchkin Sd14, who turns 15 this weekend.

As I was anxious, it went well considering. She was in her room talking to Kansas City when I got home after almost 2 hours of commute time. Husband was tired and didnt feel like cooking, so after a brief decompression rest, I tried my hand at fish fry, typically his specialty. Before heading into the kitchen (because I did want to learn his secrets) I looked at him as he mentioned how tired he was and how he didnt feel like cooking, narrowed my eyes and told him "now if you were smart about things, you might want to think about teaching your soon to be 15 year old daughter how to cook and prepare food for you, in the event you dont feel like cooking" ie dont count on me...

Because with the eldest, Feral Forger SD 22, well all she ever did was help prepare ONE meal (because I told her she was going to) and start rice in the rice cooker a few times. I think she made coffee twice.

He called B/S in and she skipped around, and battered up some fish, and skipped around chatting, because no matter what she is and always will be a talker. 

update #1. FF got a JOB. As a hostess at a local ihop. She hasnt started yet, and her colored hair will need to be brown when she does indeed start, if in fact she did get the job. She colors her hair until it breaks off. Normally a dark brown she prefers hot pink, purple or blue. Well good for her, a step (one can hope) in the right direction. Of course B/M mentions that the "snapped thumb" is being used as an excuse why just a hostess and not a waittress, in a way to demean FF, to which I respond "uhhhhh huhhhhh" (I dont care)

update #2. Toxic Troll is signing B/M up for summer art class. Okay. I did indeed keep my trap shut. Nailed shut. Which was hard  - my head wanted to spin around and my voice got deeper. I had to choke down the green bile from my innermost depths of anger and hurt. So, ok, you have an "F" currently in Art. Does this mean that Toxic Troll Bm actually knows about the "F" (I dont care!) and doesnt think to mention this to Husband (I dont care)? Or does this mean that B/M is telling her she wants a class to cover that fact? (I dont care). Or did B/M mention the Painting Workshop I treated B/S to for a "job well done on schoolwork" treat, and thought 'well I can do better/this is MY child I need to control what she does during summer off time? (I dont care) B/M had mentioned that her mother "didnt want her just sitting around with nothing to do"...(I SINCERELY AM TRYING NOT TO CARE) "uhhhh huuuuhhh, thats nice!"

update #3. Got myself booked for a local kayak tour Saturday to learn the ropes and be more independent. My friend wanted to go too, but its now sold out. Its a good morning time, because after about 12 noon the wind kicks up. Its in the bay, so I am a little nervouse but this tour is beginning beginner. Good for families with kids. I have not mentioned this to B/M. Husband will be fishing so - let them go over there and BOND. Now - I have kayaked previously in Lake Superior on a 10-day trip going island to Island in the Apostle Island chain. But there be sharks in them thar waters and whales...and its COLD. B/M is not invited to this, even though she had stated previously she "might be interested". Maybe Toxic Troll will take her (LOL.)

Update #4. Husband is planning the birthday for L'il Backstabber. Shes easy, and he will take her to a friends bday party because thats how he rolls. No need to arrange for food or entertainment. Win! He mentioned that he wanted me there, as a "family". This will be on Sunday the 30th so now I cannot plan much for then. Nothing adventurous, assuming that I survive Saturday.

Nothing much else...Husband did not mention Parent Portal at all. I jabbed him about what a great paperweight his new laptop will be...


Mamabearof3's picture

Enjoy your kayaking trip! Self care is so important. Especially when you're always surrounded by other peoples drama. 

CLove's picture

Its like telling me to not breathe, but there you have it. Cannot care more than the bio parents.

Its just so weird. I guess B/M figures we are stupid and dont know that she is failing ART. When Husband saw that because I set him up with parent portal his eyes bugged out (But I dont care!)

WarMachine13's picture

Gosh clove I think your muscles might be aching too much to go anywhere Sunday.......

CLove's picture

Yeah, I was planning a nice hike or something. Work the legs. But I like leisurely ones, and dont want to worry about coming back at a certain time...

Yeah. I might have debilitating arm cramps or PTSD from friendly sea lions.


CLove's picture

Feeling stirrings of bada$$ery here and there.

notarelative's picture

 Toxic Troll is signing B/S up for summer art class

Failing school year art class? Signed up for summer art class? Coincidence? Or is this some type of class through the school department so she can get credit for the school year class? I don't know much about TT, but her finding a class and paying for it, does not seem to be her MO. Schools here would not normally offer summer art classes, but this year, due to Covid money, they are.

As to Sunday

. Shes easy, and he will take her to a friends bday party because thats how he rolls. No need to arrange for food or entertainment. Win! He mentioned that he wanted me there, as a "family". 

This is a friend's birthday party. (His friend? Her friend?) Either way, he's planning to crash the friend's party. Is he bringing icing to add her name to the cake? Either way I'd avoid this like the plague. I won't go somewhere where I know I will be embarrassed by my husband's behavior and that is exactly what I would tell him.

CLove's picture

The art class for Backstabber/Munchkin - Im thinking that Ill bring it up with Husband around, like "so is this like the one I took us to, where you get to experiment in person with different media?" Otherwise (I dont care) B/M can tell us when it happens (or doesnt). TT likes to make promises that go unfulfilled because talking is as good as doing. Its the THOUGHT not the action that counts.

The party is for Husbands friends son that he is also friends with. An adult. There is also a high school graduation party the same day. Might have to hit them both!!!

I can bring an extra cake, I joked to B/M about it and she came back with "no i dont want to do that". AHHH WEEEELLLL OK. No more jokes.

notarelative's picture

Friend's child is is an adult, but whether the birthday honoree is an adult or child, it is rude to show up with a cake to piggyback your celebration off of the honoree's. If DH showed up with a cake for his child at my house, that would be the last time he was invited to a celebration party at my house.  I would avoid this party. I would be embarrassed by DH trying to hijack the party.

notarelative's picture

Sorry for the confusion. You were joking and it appears B/M knows better than to expect this. But, I can't help but wondering if your DH heard you say this and would think it's a good idea. 

CLove's picture

Ok, so taking a step back - Husband is planning on showing up with myself and kiddo to a friends birthday party. And that will be the extent of things.

Gimlet's picture

Aww girl, you're having a rough time so I will save my comment about this.  Sorry you're feeling raw.

Keep disengaging and focusing on yourself.  I really like the Master's degree idea too.

CLove's picture

yeah. This was supposed to be humorous. 

I guess I am triggered. Didnt think that way about it. The whole visitation thing with Backstabber. 

Yes! Im thinking thats the way to go. I am going to hound some counselors soon about it but first must get my pre-recs waived.

Tried out's picture

It's like you're dating your brother's best friend and he breaks up with you and starts dating your sister so he's not only at your house all the time to see your brother but he's making out with your sister on her bed and you share a room with her.

How do you stand it? I don't mean why do you put up with it but really, truly how do you bear it?

Cover1W's picture

I'm thinking that Ill bring it up with Husband around, like "so is this like the one I took us to, where you get to experiment in person with different media?"

No, don't! This is the beginning of engaging about the art class and grades. You didn't arrange it, approve it, pay for it or have any input into it at all. So ignore it. Seriously. Let it go.

CLove's picture

I have to repeat the mantra, and re-read all the comments. Somehow plaster them in my brain.

Cover1W's picture

It gets easier.  I still comment in my own head - and then think through the scenario of what would happen if I stepped in and engaged?  Usually it's nothing good so I just keep quiet. If I have no authority I have no responsibility.

tog redux's picture

Hopefully you can get to a place where you REALLY don't care.  Or only care a teeny tiny bit.  Have fun with the kayaking!

CLove's picture

Not caring is like cutting off a limb (phantom limb?) but heres to trying. I am progressing, but its not as noticable right now.

Its easier when Kiddo isnt around, thats for sure.

But with Kansas City taking all her time and attention, its not that hard, when shes with us.

I did mention that I was taking a summer online class. She did reply with "oh, now you can see why it was hard for me".

Yes, I will see how hard it is to do assignments and turn them in. Yes. I will see.

notarelative's picture

It will be hard as it's your first class and you will have to get your studying groove back. It will be hard as you work full time. But, you will do your assignments and turn them in on time. You will not be spending hour texting friends when there is an assignment due. 

tog redux's picture

Well, "Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it" helps when you feel yourself getting back involved. 

simifan's picture

It is so hard to let go because you are a good person with a big heart who wants the best for BS/M. It will get easier with time. 

CLove's picture

7 years. Of helping, of taking care of her, of buying, of long chats. Of being the one she can count on. Pickups/drop offs. Husband was joking about me doing pickup on my way home like I used to.

That was a trigger. Told him "not MY job anymore. I got fired from that job. Fired with no severance and a kick in the face..." chuckle.

hereiam's picture

I had to choke down the green bile from my innermost depths of anger and hurt.

Use those feelings of anger and hurt to remind yourself why you need to stay disengaged. I'm not talking about holding a grudge but you must remember where caring too much got you and where it will get you in the future if you don't disengage. You've seen how easy it is for everybody to turn on you.

Be diligent about not putting yourself in that position, again.

I no longer have any ill feelings, whether it be anger or hurt, regarding my SD and have not for years. When she had her little fit (when she was 15, she's now almost 30) and I realized how she really felt about me, I stopped reaching out, stopped doing things for her benefit, stopped being emotionally invested in her. She has a mother (co-dependents) so what does she need me for? To blame for everything? No, thanks.

I don't get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach when she calls, it doesn't bother me when DH talks about her (we actually discuss her often), I don't let her or her life affect me. I don't want anything bad to happen to her but it's her life and her bad choices are really not my problem. I don't spend any time worrying about her. Don't get me wrong, when her (now) husband was mistreating her, it made me mad and I felt bad for her, but I didn't lose sleep over it.

It will get easier as time goes by IF you don't let yourself get dragged in, again. It's time to become a little selfish, Clove, and focus on you.

CLove's picture

wow. Yes, I will get to that point eventually, its the growing pains Im going through today.

Thank heavens for Steptalk!!!!!

hereiam's picture

It doesn't happen overnight. Just stay focused.

There have been times over the years when I've still tried to help, like giving her a list of agencies that could help her after her divorce, but I still stayed detached. She didn't use my resources and although I thought she was stupid not to, I blew it off. DH said she wanted me to actually do the work for her and I was not willing to do that, so... whatever, her choice.

You will get it.

tog redux's picture

Yes, I agree, it takes a while. Nowadays all I feel is sadness for DH that his son is such a disappointment to him.  I'm pleasant and polite to SS - and I might even help him if he asked.  But I have zero investment in him doing things the way I think he should do them.

halo1998's picture

either way how GWR or SD turn out as long as they are not going to return to my circus tent as adults  Not my circus not my monkeys.  I invest my time in my kids...who appreciate and want the investment.  But its hard..none of us go into this thinking...not my kid not my problem.  Most of us just want the best for everyone...skids included.  You will have times where you are disengaged and ok with it and then there will be times when you don't.  Its like a death take it slow and give yourself some grace.

Now a days I feel sad like tog that DH will never know what his could have been and what they could have accomplished had they not been saddled with Beaver.  My DH does take pride in the fact he helped raise my two kids and he can help them accomplish their dreams.