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Parenting Teens

justmakingthebest's picture

For those that are bio parents too:

Does your husband/wife ever say something like: "I wouldn't have been that nice" or "You are setting a dangerous precedence"

For example, 2x last night he really pissed me off  (maybe I am PMSing with my non-uterus self)

Me: BS16, please take the dogs outside.

5 Mins later

Me: BS, dogs can't wait. Now please.

DH: I wouldn't have been that nice

Me: ok



BS taking DD to a school soccar game and then knowing he is picking her up for me later and ran to the store for me earlier

Me: Grab my card out of my wallet and put gas in your car

DH: Doesn't he have a job?

Me: Yes, but he is running errands for me and making my life easier, so he can get 1/2 tank of gas on me.

DH: You shouldn't do that, it's a dangersous precedent.

I just rolled my eyes but all I could think was- Look buddy, My kids are good. They are kind and thoughtful and helping me out. MAYBE my way of parenting is ok. They aren't in trouble and they haven't rejected us from their lives like your kid did. I'm not asking anything from you and I demand that they treat you with respect, they are honor roll kids- what more do you want from them? 

SS22 lived with MIL while he was in HS. SS17 is basically out of our lives. MAYBE I am doing ok as a mom! 

Sorry... Not trying to be a GUBM or anything but I think that my kids are pretty decent. 



stepmomnorth's picture

Your line of thinking sounds like things that I would say as a parent. I do feel like his comments were unwarranted, that you had it figured out. Your kids sound pretty well mannered so it's just normal day to day stuff and the comments are annoying. 

Having said all of that you're actually shining a spotlight on some negative actions I've probably had in the past when I've said some of these things to my partner, like I would have made my kid clean that up after, etc. 

halo1998's picture

after the second comment..i would have responded..

"Yea and we see what your brand of precedence has led YOUR kids,"  "You parent YOUR kids your way..and I will parent mine MY way."

For the record...

I would have told mine the same thing..NOW Please and if they kids were doing things for me...I always put gas in their cars for them.  I figure they were doing me a favor and I would have used gas no matter if it was my car or theirs.

sheesh...your DH is projecting his and his kids inadequacies onto you and yours.  He can stuff it

ESMOD's picture

I think it's not a great thing for him to voice his opinion on your parenting in front of your kids.. so if he is doing that.. he needs to cut it out.  If he has a particular issue he feels needs to be adressed?  then he can approach you in private.

BUT.. I actually think when you had to remind the kid the 2nd time about the dog walking... instead of "please".. I would have said.. "NOW!".. you were being  tiny bit nicer than I might have been.. but again.. no one likes to have people give a running commentary on the way they do things.. whether it be their job.. parenting.. playing tennis..etc..

The last item.  That's something I would set him straight on RIGHT now.  And I think it is worth revisiting in a calm discussion with him (and no bringing up his kid.. lol).

Hey.. I want to talk to you again about me giving my son money for gas.  Having him be able to drive his sister around and do errands for me is a great helpt to me.  I appreciate that he is willing to take his own personal time to do things that are otherwise MY responsibility.  When I let him get a half a tank of gas on my card.. that's only a small repayment for the time he is putting in to do those errands for me.  Would you prefer I pay him a monetary fee every time instead vs paying him in gas for his car?   I understand he does make his own money.. but I don't think he needs to be spending his money and his time on my obligations without some sort of compensation.  I think he understands the difference between getting this gas money for helping me vs just a handout for doing nothing.


Stepdrama2020's picture

But I dang get this.

DH knows his kids are shitty, and is embarrassed. He may not admit it, but I bet the pig pen he is. It makes him feel a little better if he finds fault in your helpful decent kids. You are raising them well.

Just ignore jealous DH, keep being the awesome bio mom that you are.

Thank you from the rest of the world your kids arent entitled brats. If you set the bar high your kids will soar. Set them low then you get shitty skids.


lieutenant_dad's picture

My guess is that his guilt is shining through here. He can't tell his own son what to do, so he's projecting what he *thinks* he would do and how it makes him feel on to you.

Tell him to knock it off unless he's going to get up and do these things for you. 

Ispofacto's picture

Modelling dignity and respect is never a mistake.  In fact, it increases your influence.

My mother never said please or thank you to us, or treated us with dignity and respect, because we weren't people.  Two out of the four of us didn't want her ashes after she died.

Satan is mean bossy and rude and Killjoy is exactly like her.  She is baffled when her behavior offends people, she thinks it's normal.


advice.only2's picture

I think you were fine, I'm sure DH has a lot of insecurity when it comes to parenting given everything that has happened with his own son.  I am always polite when I ask my kids to do a chore or task...I mean how would we feel if at work all anybody ever did was bark at us "do this, do that!" and never asked nicely?

As for helping with gas?  Again nothing wrong with I have told my son if you fly I'll buy.  Its little gives and takes that help them grow up to be kind considerate caring people as well.  It also models for them how to be a good parent to their future children.

EveryoneLies's picture

I think you are doing great as a mom. Gotta say I'm probably usually the one guilty to give those comments. Although lately I've (finally) learned to not saying it out loud. Our situation is not the same as yours though, of course. Parenting teens are hard...I'm not there yet, but I really don't look forward to XD

You are doing more than great, your DH really can't (and shouldn't) ask for more. 

ndc's picture

This is the man who expects you to do some heavy lifting with his adult autistic son and likely expects you to completely parent that son if he is deployed.  If he's allowing (expecting!) that, he should be comfortable enough with your parenting that he doesn't need to comment on it.  I could let an occasional comment pass, but if it happens more than very occasionally, I would feel the need to set him straight. 

thinkthrice's picture

Ye olde biodad's kids are POS so deflect and micro parent SM's bios.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

agree with others on saying I wouldn't of been so nice to DS the second time asking him to do something. He is old enough to drive, he should be old enough to only have to hear instructions once before following through. Doesn't at all mean he is a bad kid or that you shouldn't be giving you gas money when he is running errands for you (super nice and helpful!), but it would of been more of a demand on the second time with no please or any niceties attached to it. 

At the end of the day I don't believe it is appropriate to discuss parenting whether agreeing or disagreeing etc. on a parenting discussion in front of any of the children, it is an easy way to pit parents against each other, bio or step. Your DH can have an opinion, but he can also frame it in a different light instead of the way he did and again not in front of any of the children. You take on a lot and will be taking on more if he is deployed for 2-3 years on the other side of the world.

Personally, I think it has a lot to do with his irritation of not being able to parent his soon whatsoever and a lot of frustration with the SS situation, not your parenting. SS seems to do whatever he wants with BM and he carries over that attitude when he visits your household, but SS doesn't respect him as a parent clearly so he would like to be able to be more strict with SS and have him ACTUALLY listen to him and follow what he says, but since that doesn't at all happen, he is projecting his desires and frustrations on your children and parenting. Could also even have to do with the possibility he won't be there to help you if he deploys for such a length of time he thinks he is helping now when he won't be able to later? Again at the end of the day, none of it is your problem, but a problem inside DH that he needs to address and deal with. He isn't a bad guy, just misdirecting his frustrations.

The_Upgrade's picture

I get why you're pissed off. Those examples would make any recipient react badly. If DH had the most well mannered kids in down it'd come off as condescending, like he did a better job than you. If DH's kids ended up as shitbags, it's doubly offensive because considering his kids it's not like he knows what he's talking about and your kids are better behaved because of the way you parent so don't criticise.