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F@*&- I am going to blog hog the heck out of you all today!

justmakingthebest's picture

** UPDATED POSTED IN COMMENTS**

DD just called me and asked what happened to their bathroom wall.

Me: What do you mean?

DD: There is a whole in it.

Me (at work): Take a picture please

It is a fist! You can see the finger indentions. 

I called BS and woke him up-

Me: Did you by chance slip coming out of the shower or an accident happen and you made a hole in the bathroom wall?

BS: No, what are you talking about. - He goes into the bathroom "WTF! No mom, I swear, I didn't see this when I went to bed last night"

I called SS21- Same Questions

SS21- No, I didn't even use the upstairs bathroom yesterday.

 

So that only leaves SS16 now punching holes in our walls. Lord help me, if DH doesn't have him patching that hole when I get home from work today, I might be the one punching SS in the freaking face! 

We still have 10 days before we send him back. 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

I am going to tell DH that I think he needs to leave or DH needs to take emergency leave. 

I can't do this. I can't. It is too much. I would never put all of this on him. I have hit my max.

Gimlet's picture

You can only take so much and it's not fair to you to place all of this on you. 

I know he only has so much leave, but I think part of his decision to keep hold of the rope with SS means that he is going to have to use that leave to handle him when he visits.   It sucks that it penalizes the rest of your family as far as his time off, but I don't see any other way around it.

The_Upgrade's picture

Someone will have bruised, bleeding knuckles. You don't just leave holes in walls with your fists and come off unscathed. If we're really lucky, let's hope he broke his stupid hand...

CLove's picture

Just a total loss there. 

Survivingstephell's picture

He's looking to get kicked out. He's looking to prove BM's lies about your house. I agree DH needs to handle this.  Maybe a road trip back to BM , just the two of them.  

justmakingthebest's picture

I LIKE THAT IDEA!

A pissed off DH and SS trapped in a car for 21 hours straight! 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Make sure that it actually was SS16. SS21 has been a pill, and your kids may know you're in a mood and likely to blame SS16. It likely was SS16, but don't blame him for it unless you know for sure. If all 4 of them deny it, then all 4 can repair the wall. Let them sort it out amongst themselves.

ETA: Your DH needs to take emergency leave. Both his kids have been PITA, and he needs to handle. That's his consequence for having kids with crap mothers.

SteppedOut's picture

Nope. I do not agree with this AT ALL. OP's kids should in no way suffer from this shithead's visit (more then they already have). 

BOTH OP's husband's kids have been asses. Her's have not. This was not an "accident" they are blaming on domone else. This was an intentional act. 

At this point it is time for emergency leave. 

justmakingthebest's picture

SS21 is a PITA but he sounded genuinely confused. SS21 has also been living with me for 3.5 years and has never had an anger outburst that caused any damage to anything. He might yell or stomp his foot but nothing like this. 

I am not going to punish my kids for SS16 when he has already done all the other crap this visit. My kids and I are going away this weekend to the Eastern Shore. DH will have to figure out what he wants to do with his kids. Not my problem. 

ndc's picture

Plus isn't SS21 being on his best behavior at the moment so you feed him?

SS16 sounds like a jerk. Could he be trying to get SS21 in trouble, knowing that he's already treading on thin ice? Or do you think he's punishing you and DH for imposing rules and consequences?  In any event I would do NOTHING to facilitate any future visitation by SS16. No looking up flights, no being available if DH has to work, nothing.

ndc's picture

Oh no. Nothing pissed me off more as a kid than "communal" punishments when the parents couldn't figure out who to punish. It's not fair, and I would think it would be especially detrimental in a step situation.

FinallySkidFree's picture

Sounds like SS16 is mad about being cut off from all communication - the Kindle did him in. If he is allowed to play video games, you should really password protect the Wifi - as video games have chatting capabilities as well.

 

Stepping Along's picture

Came here to say the same thing.

I think he went in to the bathroom to get the kindle he had hidden, saw that it wasn't there and lost it!!

JMTB, you are a better person then me. My stepson smashed up his room including shutters in my house. I had to take my car keys and leave for a while, I was ready to lose it!! 

AgedOut's picture

"My kids have been at their dads until yesterday and DD13 just came downstairs asking why my kindle was under their sink. Yep. SS swiped it. So now the question is, what was he doing and who was he talking to on it? "

 

 

there's the answer. he found out you found it and in anger punched the wall.

Monkeysee's picture

Honestly, I get that your DH doesn't get to see his son often, but this is well past the point where I'd have told him he needs to be home with his kid or his kid is going home. This isn't fair on anyone else in the household. Your DH needs to step up here, he's placing a heck of a lot of his responsibilities on your shoulders. Either the kid goes home or DH takes emergency leave, anything less is honestly nothing short of selfish. 

Mominit's picture

I'm also hoping for an update on how it all shook out.  Hopefully the culpruit has a messed up hand which makes it impossible to deny!

justmakingthebest's picture

I haven't been able to really update until now.

When I got home, I asked DH if he had see the upstairs bathroom hole. He was like "WTF are you talking about??", I said that I believe someone punch a hole in the wall. He went up and looked and said, yep and $100 says it is Ss16. I agreed. He was pissed. Like PISSED. But....

THEN HE WENT DOWN STAIRS- SS WAS STILL ASLEEP AT  4PM IN THE ROOM NEXT TO THE BATHROOM! He did nothing just went downstairs.

I went back up to change clothes, saw SS in the hall and said "What's up Anger Management?"

SS:  what are you talking about?

me: You know, anger management, as in you need some, since you have taken to punching holes in my walls.

Him: Blank stare

______________

DH didn't say a word about it the rest of the night.

I didn't ask to see SS's hand. Neither did DH.

I didn't bring it up again until this morning in a text to him that he would get on his way home. 

I will be in morning meetings so I can't chat today while you drive home. I really have to get this out there to you because I am festering and having a lot of resentment, not just towards SS but now towards you. 

I know you don't want to spend the month you have with SS punishing him, but we have 3 other teenagers in our home and all they see is SS gets black out drunk, picked up by cops, steals my things, punches a hole in the wall with minimal or no consequences. We are out numbered and we can't live with them not respecting rules and laws for that matter. 

I will leave this up to you, but at a minimum he needs to pay for and repair our wall. I love you and will see you this afternoon.

I don't know what to do. I plan on telling DH tonight that I will never prevent him from or ask him not to see his son, but I will not have his visits scheduled when my kids are home and if possible I will be leaving the house as well. 

In the shower this morning (where I do my best thinking) I decided I might go see my MIL when SS comes to visit for New Years. I wouldn't want DH to think that I am out doing something that would risk our marriage, so MIL would be safe and I adore her and my SIL's. It would be a win-win in my book. 

SteppedOut's picture

1. Eff your husband for doing nothing and forcing you to bring it up AGAIN. 

2. You shouldn't have to do something with your freakin MIL on NYE to ensure your H thinks your are "being good". WTF seriously. Girl, lets go to VEGAS on NYE and EFFFFF him if he thinks something off color, given ALLLLLL you do to support him AND his difficult (at best) kids. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I really don't know what else to do.

Maybe he sees his kid as a lost cause and he won't want him back. I really don't know.

As for the trip, I posted below, but it comes down to me being cheated on (not DH) and I won't go somewhere or do something myself that I wouldn't be comfortable with DH doing. I am very insecure so this is a balance to me to physically showing I am not participating in their relationship, and leaving- BUT I am coming back. He and I are good. I just have to step away for this. (Plus I can take my dog!)

Gimlet's picture

JMTB, I know we are different in some ways in our worldviews and I respect and appreciate your dedication to your marriage, but I have to say I think it's time for a Come to Jesus with your husband.

He is not doing his duty to you, period. He is not upholding his duties to the rest of the household, period.

He does not get to decide to continue to pursue his son, while pawning off all the hard stuff on you.  You should not be the person confronting SS, or dealing with police, or communicating with his mother.

If the point of these visits is to try to build a relationship with SS16, then he needs to be there to build one.  He needs to provide the type of guidance a FATHER would, because he is his father - not his friend.  

And personally, I don't think you should have to spend New Year's with your MIL, unless you want to, to show your DH that you are being loyal and trustworthy, because you do that every mothertrucking day. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree he is not doing his duty and I don't know what else to do other than stop- stop helping, stop doing, just stopping.

As for MIL- I love my MIL and that would be a fun trip for me, but it is probably more my issue than DH's. I have been cheated on and it hurts so much. I would not be comfortable with DH taking some guys trip due to my baggage, no matter the reason- so I wouldn't do something to him that I wouldn't want him to do to me- if that makes sense? 

SteppedOut's picture

You DESERVE to spend free/fun time hpw you really want to - obviously within marital bounds. You really shouldn't have to "prove" anything - good lord you do that so much already. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Maybe I am wording it wrong, it isn't about proving anything- It is more, if roles were reversed this wouldn't have me worry about our marriage.

That isn't what the point of me leaving would be- it would be for my mental health. Not some kind of threat or ultimatum. 

Gimlet's picture

It makes sense.  How you choose to engage your own baggage in the context of your marriage is your business and what works for you.  I do hope that you realize that you are a good person, though, and have nothing to prove to anyone.  I hope your DH is able to help you feel more secure as well.  ((hugs)) to you.

He seems to be otherwise supportive and a good spouse from what I've read.  My own DH struggles with his boundaries with OSS, although the situation is not as intense as this, so I know this can be a real sore spot but the fact remains that he has to step up and deal with this instead of hiding behaind you.

I think stopping is a good start until you can really talk this out with your DH.  This has to be incredibly frustrating.

SteppedOut's picture

YES! 

Freaking MIL on NYE. Like she hasn't had enough of dealing with his family...she has to do it on her "off time" when she is trying to "get away" too? 

UGH. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Your point about having 3 other teens is spot on.  If you don't nip this in the bud you will have a rebellion and they out number you.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Seriously?! All hands in that house need to be checked!

ETA what's up with these biodads who want to have the kids in their home but not actually deal with them?!

advice.only2's picture

Would a family meeting work? It would allow you and DH to address all the people in the house and ask about the moved Kindle as well as the hole in the bathroom wall.

Survivingstephell's picture

I think your baggage is getting in the way of rational thinking.  You have kids in the house watching you both.  How you both parent right now is not very effective.  You can still be a team but things need to be clear in all their heads about the rules and consequences.  

I also thought this was a last effort visit and if he was a shithead, that would be it. Done. No more visits until he aged out of CO.  Why talk about more visits?   It's time for disengagement and yeah it will suck for your DH but THIS HIS baggage to manage.  If his father refuses to take time off and deal with it then put him back on the plane to BM.  
 

You have a hot mess on your hands and BTDT.  Look out for yourself and the other kids.  Take charge and demand relief from all this damn drama.    You are so deep in it, you are addicted to the stress chemicals in your system.  You need relief now, not when SS goes back.  

thinkthrice's picture

SS16 needs to go back home now if your H is unwilling to parent him. 

Going forward,  H can visit him in the BM's hometown.  Next visit schedule will be your H flying to Kansas.... either a two-way trip or a one way trip if he does not see reason.