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DH's ExSS

justmakingthebest's picture

BM had 2 kids from 2 previous marriages before her and DH married. The daughter is just like mommy-dearest. The son, from what I heard, was a good kid. His dad had primary custody so DH only saw him on school breaks since they were out of state. exSS's dad and SM were helpful to DH and I in the peak of court battles, etc.

Well, out of the blue last night exSS22 messaged DH and asked if DH still thought of him as a son. DH replied with "Yes, but why?". He said it was because DH had been on his mind a lot lately and he missed him. 

Y'all. My heart. I just bawled. It kills me that the young man, who is an exSS and hasn't seen DH in 9 years reaches out more than DH's own kid. 

exSS will snapchat and send meme's and stuff to DH. Just a light and casual relationship. I always thought it was good that things never went bad between them. Especially since DH and BM divorced when he was a teenager, but wow. DH and I didn't  talk about it after, I was afraid that what we were both thinking was too painful to say. 

I wanted to message SS so bad and tell him that it was pathetic that his brother has a better relationship with DH than he does. Of course I didn't, but the desire to still say something is there. Why is this all so hard still? 

I have done good, you would be proud. I haven't spoken of Christmas plane tickets to DH and I know he hasn't bought them. I haven't reached out the the lawyer again- Still no word on CS being decided. I haven't brought anything up about any of it, but then this happens and I want to fix it. I want to fix and unfixable relationship between SS17 and DH. Why can't I fully check out?? 

Comments

Gimlet's picture

I would guess that it's hard to check out for a couple of reasons.

One, this affects you and your home.  If your DH pursues SS, at some point he may be back.  The whole CS issue is still open and hanging over your head.  You don't have any closure with all this and you don't know exactly when you will. 

Second, you love your DH and it has to be hard to see him trying like heck to be in his son's life and watch SS smugly dismiss him.  When his exSS pops up and is grateful for your husband's presence in his life, that really highlights the contrast, doesn't it?  I think it's normal to want to look at SS and ask "Why can't you see how hard your dad tries and how much other kids would be appreciate him??"  I know I feel that way about DH's kids, especially OSS. 

It's always hard to deal with ambiguity (or at least for some people, including me) and hard to see someone you love get treated poorly.

tog redux's picture

I couldn't fully check out until that last child support check was sent this past January and I knew we were done with BM for good.

I still get angry on some occasions, like when SS ignores DH on Father's Day. Otherwise, don't care.  DH doesn't even really care too much anymore, he's more or less accepted that his kid is a lost cause.

Harry's picture

SS wants rhe money to keep rolling in.  I would be highly suspicious that after nine years you getting that text.  SS wants something.  Money, car place to crash.  Money for wedding ???? 

justmakingthebest's picture

No, he has never asked DH for anything. I really don't think he wants anything. Just getting older and realizing how important DH was in his life.

He has done really well for himself. Graduated college, runs operations for his dad's company, owns his townhouse, has a beautiful GF. He is a good kid. Everything I would hope for with my own kids, honestly.