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Big steps on DH letting go!

justmakingthebest's picture

DH had to make a decision on holiday leave- He decided not to take it. He will just work over the Christmas/New Years time, he is going to take Thanksgiving instead. 

He is going to apply to go to Iceland (OMG!!!) but if they won't let him leave the country because of COVID we are going to take a trip to Gatlinburg, TN- which I LOVE in the fall! Either way, I am a happy lady!!

SS won't respond to DH, so we are just taking that as a no and letting go. This is HUGE for both of us, even though it doesn't seem like a big deal. It still feels a little like turning you back on your kid, but he will be 17- so how much longer can we call him a kid? We have to let it go. 

DH said that this will also be the catalyst for whether or not we pay anything for his college. I am really proud of DH on this. 

We know he won't willingly show, so this will break DH's heart, but it has to be done. 


tog redux's picture

Wait, so, not tickets for Christmas unless SS responds to DH? That's great! Did he tell SS that was the plan?

What if he does come, will you be stuck dealing with him again?

justmakingthebest's picture

No tickets and no leave. Tickets are around $600 right now and DH is capping our price at that. He said he isn't going to pay $800-900 because something got decided at the last minute. I am so proud of him!

DH and I talked about if he comes out. I said to make sure SS is aware that there are consequences to him refusing to respond and that you won't be around and that JMTB isn't going to be dealing with him. If he is there when my kids are home, fine, it isn't a big deal but if he comes out after Christmas (which is what the co says for this year) I have plans and work. Sorry, not sorry!

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Its hard to let go but when SS is 17 you can't force him to come for a visit.  Plus considering how much trouble he got into last time he won't want to visit. (I was a PITA at his age so can get into his head space)

On the college costs, I'm on the fence.  If he's a good student, could you be keeping a door open to a relationship by contributing something?

justmakingthebest's picture

The way DH and I both see it, relationships are reciprocal. DH has been paying out his ass for this kid with SS shitting all over him for years. 

If SS can't respond to a simple text every once in a while, why should DH pay for college? He wants to be a "man", he is going to learn that a man doesn't hide behind his HCBM. 

The_Upgrade's picture

From experience I’ve learnt that if you give these skids (and the crazy bio parent behind them) an inch, they’ll take a mile. The bit where they make you doubt yourself is where they compare you against “normal” families. But it’s hypocritical and one sided. In “normal” families parents usually help out with tuition, cars, deposits to purchase their first home, etc. But most of the kids that have that sort of help would drop everything in an instant if their parent needed help. The adult skids that would rather leave their parent to rot shouldn’t reap the same benefits as the kids that actually contribute to the family. 

justmakingthebest's picture

EXACTLY! We will help my kids and SS21 with anything, but they are participants in our family. They don't ignore us, they help when they can, they are active in our lives.

SSstb17 just takes and ignores, That isn't life kid, better learn the lesson now! 

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, so much emotional and financial currency down the drain for this kid who seems hell bent on being a turd whether he is with you or with his mom.  No contact?  won't answer? Nope.. just will forego that visitaion since you couldn't be bothered to answer my messages.

tog redux's picture

Agreed. He's almost 17, he can make his own choice. Then it's no longer a battle between BM and DH. As always in these situations, the kid has been ruined for having a decent relationship with his father and his family. Only him maturing will decide whether they can have a good relationship in the future. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Awesome!!! I know it's not an easy decision for you DH to make.

For a time, BioHo successfully PAS'd the SDs against DH. DH did not chase after them. Instead, he focused on his time with the SSs and being a good dad and just kept on being DH. The beginning of the end of PAS was the day SDthen17 dropped off the SSs and came in the house to beeyotch at DH about some lie BioHo had told her. SSthen14 jumped up and said, "THAT'S A LIE! Dad has NEVER said a bad thing about mom. NEVER! He doesn't even talk about her." SSthen11 chimed in with, "Nope. Not ever." SD stared at the SSs for a moment, said, "Never?" "NEVER" (from both). SD apparently took that back to SDthen20 and it wasn't long after that both SDs were talking to DH again. 

I hope this is the case with your SS. *give_rose*

justmakingthebest's picture

I hope so too, but I doubt it. 

I think he will come around when he knocks up some dumb small town skank and she acts just like BM does. When he has to fight to be a father, it will all make sense to him. I don't think it will happen before then though.

skell76's picture

you and your DH are a good team and you're there to support him. I'm sorry he has to go through that, so awful.  And if roles were reversed you can bet your arse that BM would lose her mind if kid didn't respond.  

Regardless, good for him for taking some of his life back mentally and financially.  College is a not a right and there is no requirement he must pay for it.  So good for him! 

Fingers crossed for Iceland. My now husband and I booked a trip to Iceland just two months after dating. It was amazing - PM if you want any ideas! 

justmakingthebest's picture

I checked flights again yesterday and as of now they are still under $300 round trip! I am REALLY hoping we can go!

Winterglow's picture

I am actually very much looking forward to hearing about bm's reaction to this Smile She is going to go effin' nuclear when she realizes she can no longer stick it to your DH. I want ALL the details when it happens!

justmakingthebest's picture

I really think she will just be happy as a clam- going around telling everyone what a deadbeat he is and "see, I told you he never loved you and it was all about his "new family' to SS. 

I just don't even care anymore. 

halo1998's picture

and at 17 SS is old enough to understand how relationships work.  Sadly, their HCBM ruin them from having normal relationships. 

I would expect your DH to have guilt and waiver from time to DH still does about GWR.  (Although the concert gate message to me has hardened DH's heart against GWR).  

Gimlet's picture

I am rooting for Iceland!!

If you end up going to the Smokies, let me know if you want any hiking ideas.  DH and I like hiking there, we stay outside of Gatlinburg since I don't care much for crowds but we've done a lot of exploring the trails.

SeeYouNever's picture

I'm so glad to hear you're going on your vacation instead of your husband holding out futile hope and wasting money on SSs tickets. In the past he would have probably moped around instead of enjoying himself without SS but if he's willing to go on a trip with you that means he's pretty well accepted the reality. Good for you!

ndc's picture

I am SO glad to hear this.  I hope your DH sticks to his guns.  Has he given SS a date to respond after which he's not getting tickets?

There is no way I would spend a nickel toward this kid's college.  He doesn't deserve it after what he's put his father through.  Let his precious mommy take care of it - I'm sure she'll be falling all over herself to help,  lol. She'll probably be charging SS for room and board once the CS stops.

justmakingthebest's picture

No date, we will just base it on ticket prices if he ever does respond. We might tell him that since he took too long to respond that we can only buy one way and BM has to buy the other- considering she was supposed to be paying 1/2 all this time, it isn't too much to ask. 


DPW's picture

I'm glad you both decided it was time to let go. And I hope that you get your trip to Iceland - you both deserve it.