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The Christmas Drama Begins

justmakingthebest's picture

Well, kind of. I am actually pretty proud of DH and myself.

DH asked me to double check his text to BM (he always does), he did good. It was simple and to the point :

BM, our son mentioned that he would rather spend the first half of Chirstmas break with us this year so that he doesn't miss basketball practice. I am fine with either half of winter break, just let me know what you would prefer soon as we are starting to look at plane tickets. 

After I mumbled yeah, looks good. He said that he is going to follow up in a week and if she doesn't answer just send her the tickets we buy. - that got an "cool" from me. THEN he said he isn't going to waist his leave time on Christmas this year. He would rather us take a trip in the spring, just the 2 of us! The trip to Iceland that I have been obsessed about for like a year and a half! 

I was dumbfounded! I said that I really appriecate that and did remind him that over the holiday's he rarely works past noon on work days anyway, so it sounds like a plan. The teenagers rarely wake up before then anyway! 

We are both sure she won't respond, I am 99% sure he won't show either way. He will be 17 at that point. The judge won't enforce anything, I think we ALL know that. I just hope we can get a decently priced plane ticket so that our last "throw $ in the trash over SS" isn't too disgusting. 


tog redux's picture

Well, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think I'd go with letting SS and BM know you need to hear from SS by X date if he plans to come for Christmas, and if you don't hear, you won't be buying a plane ticket. 

justmakingthebest's picture

That really might be the best. I will suggest it to DH, try to talk to SS and see if he wants to come out. If not, we don't force it and save the $. Not only on tickets but presents because we don't buy for people that don't want to be in our lives. 

tog redux's picture

Yep. It's dropping the rope. Send it by text, email and certified mail so they can't claim they never got the message. 

hereiam's picture

Really, both you and your DH have to be sick of this crap by now.

No drama. If she doesn't answer his follow up, or he doesn't get confirmation from SS, no tickets. Why waste the money?

justmakingthebest's picture

If we were waiting on a confirmation from either of them, we would never get it. She doesn't even tell us when he is in the air! I have to call the airline! 

hereiam's picture

Then, don't buy the tickets.

Your DH has proven time and time again that he wants to spend time with his son. Time to stop playing their games.

halo1998's picture

No response is a response...  So if no response by x date...assume SS is not coming and do not buy a ticket.  At 17...honestly...not worth the fight anymore. 

Harry's picture

Why go through this.  SS most likely will not be coming.  Don't bother to get a ticket,   Esther they respond by a certain date or give up.  Send a follow up. " if we don't here from you by X date we assume you are not coming. And we will not be paying for a Airline Ticket"

tog redux's picture

Then I hope you aren't expected to do all the planning so he can keep up the battle with BM. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Nope. He hasn't asked me to do anything! He knows that this last visit was my breaking point. 

CastleJJ's picture

Honestly, this kid gave you so much grief during his last visit, why would you guys want him back? I wouldn't bother purchasing the plane ticket. Dont entertain BM or SS' game of cat and mouse anymore. DH should reach out to SS and say that "the CO outlines the following visitations from now until you turn 18 (and/or age out), please let me know if there is any that you would like to exercise so I can make the necessary travel arrangements." Since you know you will never hear from BM or SS, I would just lay out every visitation between now and when SS ages out and if you don't get a response, assume he isn't coming for any of them and move on. 

justmakingthebest's picture

He really does need to reach out to SS directly but the CO says that he isn't allowed to discuss travel with him. It would be nice if he could just hear "I don't want to come"- then we wouldn't bother. What sucks is that he did say he wanted to come back when he was here this summer so if we don't do something we are the a-holes. 

CastleJJ's picture

Travel and visitation are two separate pieces entirely. Your DH would be asking SS if he wants to visit at any point between now and when he ages out, which has nothing to do with travel arrangements. If SS says "Yes," then DH can contact BM to notify her of travel arrangements made. If SS says "No" or ignores DH, then DH can take that as a sign that SS is done. Consider it a legal grey area.

If I were you, I'd stop worrying about following the CO so strictly; clearly BM isn't and nobody seems to care. I also wouldn't worry so much about coming off as a**holes. You and DH have busted butt to fight for this kid and the thanks you get is continued abuse, playing the game of "will he or won't he," and being completely ignored until its convenient for SS. SS is a big boy - if he wants to see his Dad, he can reach out and say so. If he doesn't, then what a shame, SS isn't coming. Nobody will blame you both for saying "enough is enough" after all you have been through and if you're worried about SS' reaction, that kid is already PASed out so his opinion of you both is already unfavorable.

tog redux's picture

She doesn't follow the CO, there is no way he gets in trouble for asking his 17 yo if he wants to come for Christmas. 

Thumper's picture

Woo HOO a trip to Iceland may be in your future with DH. Good for you  :)

Before Covid, my niece and her dh went there for a few weeks. LOVED it.  They are childless so picking UP and going is a breeze for them. I honestly could not tell you where they went while they were there. Somehow, they managed to hop from 'friends of friends' to friends of friends. So, little out of pocket was spent. ---NOT my cup of tea but that is what THEY do. I will leave that, right there.

Reading about Christmas Drama is a huge trigger for me. It's awful and totally unnecessary. But every year it happens over and over.



justmakingthebest's picture

I can't just tell DH to give up if there is no response, but dang, it would be nice if I could! It doesn't really matter how I feel either, it's his kid and I am not going to do anything that can even be construed as preventing SS coming. Anytime SS could potentially come here will always be a trigger for me. I don't know if I will ever recover. I am just trying to disengage from it all as much as possible. 

I'm just going to focus on Iceland in the spring! 

ImFreeAtLast's picture

I feel terrible just reading the title. I used to love Christmas. StepHell makes me dread it. Hopefully AdultSkid just does a quick disgusting gift grab at the most since that's all he cares about. Fml

justmakingthebest's picture

We have started refusing to buy SS presents if he isn't part of our lives. We had almost 2 years where we didn't get him anything. We will go back to that again too. 

At least the other 3 kids want to be in our lives! They also do this nutty thing where they get us little presents and try and do nice things for us too! It is CRAZY! LOL

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Don't know what to say about SS but I doubt he'll want to come to visit given how much trouble he got into last time.  Save the money for Iceland.

justmakingthebest's picture

Yeah, I don't think he will show. Hopefully he at least SAYS that and we can say fine and move on. We aren't going to fight anything, a response would be awesome though... grrrrr!

thinkthrice's picture

for response deadline.  BM, we will need to hear from you by X.  If we do not, we will assume that SS is not coming.

Thanks in advance.