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No children and considering a man with children?

Missingme's picture

You're thinking of marrying or living with a man who already has children-you don't have any.  Don't be stupid.  It will not work (for all the various and sordid reasons you're reading about in this site), that is unless the man has little children whose mother has died and maternal and paternal grandparents and aunts and uncles aren't in the picture, much.  Most are in the picture and have developed protective roles as a result of the kiss's mother dying.  Also keep in mind that even if relatives aren't in the picture, that dad has been filling both the role of dad and mom and will probably be hesitant to give up the reigns.  You think you can handle this, but you will regret to decision to let yourself follow your heart.  Remember that your heart is not your brain.  Save yourself both mental and physical agony and find the strength to break it off now.  You probably won't, though, because you probably wouldn't be on this site if you weren't already in deep and already in some agony.  But in the slim chance you just wandered onto the site and aren't already caught up with a man with children...take heed, lest you fall!

tog redux's picture

That's not true across the board. DH and I have been together almost 10 years, and are very happy.  I have no kids. The difference is that he parented his child, he put our relationship first, he wasn't a guilty father who overindulged his kid, and he set limits on BM.

I actually think it's harder to be with a man who has kids when you DO have your own kids. Then there is the blending of the family and the difference in parenting styles to contend with. 

If you find a man with kids, just be sure he can parent those kids ALONE, and doesn't want or need your help. And be sure he's an actual father to them, which includes discipline and limit-setting. 

ESMOD's picture

I agree... 16 years here... no kids from me.  I also understand that NOT having kids of my own likely helped reduce points of conflict. 

Rags's picture

25 years and counting, no BK's for me, and we raised SS-27 together to successful and viable self supporting independent adulthood.

Both partners making each other and the marriage their sole top priority is key to success.  Being equity life partners and equity parents to any children in the home/marriage is also a critical success factor. Regardless of kid biology.

Making a life with a prior relationship breeder can work. If .... that breeder clearly understands that their marriage is the priority and if the non breeding partner recognizes that their SKids are a part of the family that must be considered until the Skids launch.  Considered, but not prioritized, catered to, or allowed to run amok in the blended family.

SecondNoMore's picture

I'm bio-free, dated a guy with a kid once and would never do it again. I'm not laid back enough, I expect to be put first and I want a fun dating experience before I'll even consider a serious long-term commitment. Terrible match for a guy with a kid.

I do personally know someone who absolutely loves her step-daughter and her life with her DH. But she met him when she was very young (early 20s) and her SD was very young. She is super laid-back to the point where she is letting her hair go fully grey in her 30s and she patiently waited 15 years for her DH to actually marry her. She was always ok with the child coming first. Never, ever in a million years.... 

SecondNoMore's picture

And let me tell you, it's not a few strays. It's the whole front of her head!

Aniki's picture

Is this supposed to be sarcasm?? I have no bios and DH and I are going on 10 years.

ndc's picture

My marriage hasn't stood the test of time like some others, but I've been with DH for over 3 years and so far, so good.  He brought kids to the relationship; I did not.  Life would probably be easier without DH's baggage, but to date we have a good life together without most of the big problems I read about here.  I don't think there's anything special about me or DH that helps us avoid some of those problems, but I do think the fact that neither BM nor the kids suffer from personality disorder or mental illness really helps.  Some other helpful things:  BM has no desire whatsoever to be with DH, and vice versa; no child support goes either way; each of DH and BM thinks the other is a good parent and is willing to cooperate.  Every relationship has some issues, and a few of ours do concern skids and BM, but nothing has been insurmountable.  So I don't think OP's advice applies universally.

Harry's picture

And  ever relationship is different.  Some people enjoy being SP and are not on this board.  Other feel disrespected and are on this board.  

Breanna123's picture

and then I realized it was him all along. He is the one not setting boundaries, not putting our relationship first and expecting me to parent his children more than I want to. The behavior of the children are a result of his actions and inactions. 

The kids are actually pretty cool. 

But anyways, I do not believe dating someone with kids is smart unless you are good with doormat status or unless you have a partner that is crystal clear about making the marriage the priority and letting the family revolve around that.