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Upcoming holidays

Journey0601's picture

I haven’t posted in a bit as we haven’t spent a lot of time with SD, it’s back to every other weekend and every other Monday.  I have emotionally disengaged for the most part, meaning I still do things for SD, but I don’t respond or try not to get hurt when she says or does something hurtful to me. She has Also been more helpful when she is here, which is nice so I don’t feel like the chef and the maid.  However, with the holidays coming and school break she will be here more. My brother is getting married NYE and I am already anticipating the feelings of feeling like a 3rd wheel when we have her, especially around my family events.  They typically cling to each other then and I am ignored as there is not a good relationship between my family and DH. My DH has refused to attend any of my family events since Easter, but has said he will come to Christmas and the wedding events.... we got the SD holiday schedule from BM (I have been asking him for it for weeks) one of the pickup drop off times is right in the middle of the wedding rehearsal dinner, at my brother’s out of town wedding. I simply suggested to DH that he either request to pick her up earlier that day (more time with her) or he pick her up the next morning  if BM won’t accommodate... of course he becomes extremely defensive that he won’t “miss anymore time with his daughter, especially around the holidays, even if it means he misses the rehearsal dinner”. So he would literally leave me with the two little one’s (who are in the wedding party) to attend the dinner and rehearsal by myself to pick her up in the evening.... I am fed up with him not even trying to accommodate something important to me.... he thinks I am asking him to “give up time” with his daughter....meanwhile my first suggestion was actually more time...if BM says no to that, and we can’t get her until the next morning (day of wedding) and it really is about time, why not then ask BM for an extra evening on the holidays to make up the time? And at least try to make his wife happy and be there at the rehearsal for the younger two? Because it Isn’t about time.... it’s because he hates my family...

this upcoming weekend is our weekend with SD and she wants to attend a friends party and because of an event I am attending, she will spend the night at her mom’s because DH won’t pick her up again with the 2 little kids and then we discussed picking her up the next morning....

well just 4 hours after the initial fight he tells me he would like to watch football with the guys on sunday....j snapped... So my brother’s rehearsal dinner is not important enough of an event to possibly give up an evening with your daughter? But giving up a full day with her to watch football is? I am so fed up with this shit.... I told him that if he doesn’t attend the rehearsal to not bother with the wedding and I will go alone with the 2 little kids and him and his Daughter can be together and if he doesn’t come to the wedding? I am content just divorcing.... and we rescheduled marriage counselling for next week because he has a nasty cold...

Comments

STaround's picture

Holidays can be dificult for blended families.  Your brother has every right to have his wedding on NYE, but this is putting more pressure on your DH if he does not get along with your family.  Why does he not get along with them?   Do they not accept his DD, while you expect him to be a subsitute father to your 5 YO. 

You complain about having to look after the two litlle ones, but the 5 YO is not his (and teases your SD by calling daddy, daddy, daddy to your DH).  Not his problem.  The advice to stepmoms here is you should not have to be a babysitter to dad's kids.  I think it goes both ways.  Get a family member to help with 5 YO at rehearsal dinner.  

As to him watching football, how much down time does this guy get.  Everyone should get some down time.   What was this event you were going to that he had to cover for?

Journey0601's picture

1.). My husband is very cold to my family and at the last event said he was leaving because my 5yo niece was being sassy.... my family think he is controlling and don’t like that we eloped, or that I financially support the household 

 

2.) My son calls DH daddy all the time, he has been raising him since he was 2yo... I am the breadwinner. And financially support 90% of  the home... watching my son occasionally is part of the deal, I watch his daughter all he time when he runs his “business” that makes less than $500/mth 

 

3.)! As for down time? In the past 6 weeks he has gone away for the weekend for football, went to baseball, went to the bar at least 3 times (just last Sunday). I am going to a dinner event at my friends house with my highschool GF’s.  I see them 3 times a year.  I do something without the kids besides work max 3-4 times/ year and one of those times 1 overnight... it’s usually like a brunch or something 

 

I want him with me to support me and the kids... I watch my kids, all 3 kids all the time! This is probably the only time the kids will be flower girl and ring bearer in a wedding....why wouldn’t he want to be there? It has nothing to do with him babysitting the kids...

 

we see his mom and family 2-3 out of 4 weekends a month.... like stay over night and all...I do everything he asks of me.... literally everything and I don’t think this was a big ask at all...

 

my son is not some little brat.... his treachers tell me is the most kind, compassionate little boy and that he is gifted smart... sure he can be bratty sometimes...but he is a good boy 

TwoOfUs's picture

Wow...except for the fact that I don’t have any kids of my own,this sounds so familiar I could have written it myself. Especially #1 and the part about DH being cold and distant toward my family but expecting me to go along with his family stuff and be accommodating, no questions asked. 

Like...for example...at the holidays he’d give my family a scant couple of hours and literally go stand by the door for the last hour like he was ready to go...until I gave up out of embarrassment and just left with him. Like your DH, he was also constantly looking for any excuse to duck out early. But we’d go to his parents house with his kids for 2-3 DAYS and I’d willingly and graciously participate in all their nonsense and be a good guest. And in his mind...that was fair. We’d “spent Christmas” with both families. 

Does your DH have an OCD personality? Are his parents super wealthy and help support him in his “business” when he’s playing around at it? 

If so...I’d say you’re married to my DH’s long-lost brother.

How long have you been married? My DH has gotten 1000X better...but he didn’t start changing until I started prioritizing time with my family and going to family events as long as I wanted with or without him. That got his attention.

Maxwell09's picture

Fu€k that guy. If it were my husband I would call him out for being lazy and making excuses. He needs to man up and play husband or stop being one all together. He’s using his daughter as an excuse and pushing the envelope to gaslighting you to feel guilty if you don’t let him or if you come up with reasonable solutions to scheduling problems. He’s playing games. Good for you for calling him out on the football crap. I would start practicing being a single mom to two since it seems like whether you’re single or married you’re carrying the load of your kids by yourself. Go to the wedding rehearsal/wedding with your kids and call a reliable relative that’ll be there to see if they can help you with the kids since you uninvited your husband. If no one in your family can help keep an eye on them then replace your DH with a friend to tag along instead (even better option than a family member who probably is also in the wedding party) so you’ll have two sets of hands on deck for what’s already a stressful night. You need to show your DH you are not afraid to do life without him if he chooses to be a non factor anyway. 

 

 

 

Journey0601's picture

I honestly feel like I am destined to be a single mom again.... he tells me that he will do anything to save this marriage, but his actions show otherwise. He is a text book narcissist... his ex wife has told me the same.  This morning he got upset with my son for talking loudly and then started imitating him... I asked him to not make fun of my son and under his breath he called me a “fukcing cunt” I asked him what he said and he denied it (gaslighting) I keep thinking he wans things to get better and then this shit keeps happening l... he puts on such a show... and ppl are manipulated by him... he now is trying to convince me that I am the narcissist... meanwhile his ex wife told me he is cruel, cold and that even a counsellor they saw suspected he was a narcissist...

i have been in lots of individual therapy and not once has anyone felt I have a personality disorder.

i just need the guts to leave for good 

twoviewpoints's picture

How much more motivation could you possibly need after the jerk making fun of your son and mutter such words about you?

You already pay 90% of the household expenses. How bad could the remaining 10% be? 

You're not doing your son (nor your younger child) any favors by staying with a guy who thinks this behavior is normal or that children should be constantly exposed to his crap behavior. 

Journey0601's picture

I guess I am just overwhelmed with what I need to do.... and he keeps saying he will do anything for us...I keep believing him...

my ex husband was the love of my life... I was with him for over 15 years... after being prescribed opiates for back pain he became a severe addict alcoholic... I stood by through multiple rehabs... I finally left 4 years ago.. he has only gotten worse...he barely sees our son and when he does it’s supervised... my current husband is usually pretty great to my son and is great with the baby... I have a hard time taking another father from my son... I was really hoping our new counsellor could help is... but things just may be too broken... no one who knows me would ever suspect o have self esteem issues, and I don’t really... I KNOW I will be fine without him and I know I am a great catch.... I guess I just feel like I will leave for good when there is no hope left... maybe 2019 will give me the strength 

Winterglow's picture

 I have a hard time taking another father from my son...

 

OK, look at it this way, do you really want your son to have this person as a role model? How much good do you think he's doing him? And how much harm? I'd say leaving him would be a win-win solution for you AND your son.

You deserve SO much better than this.

somethingwicked's picture

This man is no father to your son when he treats your child as described  UNLESS you want your child to learn the lessons of cruelty and self absorption from this man .

He insults and belttles you.Is this the man you hope your son to be?

Calling women fu¢king ¢unt? Really....

A narcissist ..here is the man  you say has been thusly described by therapist and his EX has warned you yet you stick to him, refuse to kick him to the curb for piss poor reasons. "Taking another father from my son.."

Really?

Gaslighting ,passive aggressive ,insulting ,abusive narcissistic verbal abuser who lives off his woman?

Is this the person  you believe is an acceptable  role model of a man  that you wish to imprint on your young son?

This guy is a  life force sucking ,shiftless user bum and if not for you would be living on the streets or a shelter  .

Dump him .Believe me ,like a cat this guy will  land on his feet and be in another woman's bed within a month's time. 

It's all about him ,what he can get and who he can use.

Put an end to this faux relationship and get yourself free.  If you cannot make the break for yourself then do it for your young son.Better he be without a father than be further exposed to this shitty and destructive  pretender of a human being.

 

SteppedOut's picture

Find your guts. It shouldn't take much. You are carrying 90% of the financial and sounds like  A LOT of the rest. Cutting his deadass loose will probably save you at least 10% in costs. And probably less housework  

One thing to consider... you carry 90% of financial. How long have you been married? Could he (and would he) get awarded alimony?

One thing for certain... find someone else to assist you at the wedding. Even if he does come, it doesnt sound like he will be much help.

IMHO 

Curious Georgetta's picture

are you trying to save? It certainly is not your husband's caring attitude and support.  What does this guy bring to the table that you wish to keep?

That being said,your brother will not probably care that your husband is not at the rehersal dinner . In fact , he will likely not be surprised.

You are financially supporting a man who is verbally abusive and seemingly indifferent to all of his children. Why do you want him by your side?

Your older child's father must have been a real loser in order for you to view this man as any kind of possible keeper.

Work on salvaging your self esteem rather than salvaging this marriage.

 

CLove's picture

is a very sick man.

Allow him the opportunity to move on with his scary little mini wife who likes to put her hand on his crotch.

Allow another chump to fall for his charm. That is how narcissists work. They charm you and then rage at you and then "poor pitiful me" for image management to the rest of the world. You have been told he is a narc, you KNOW he is a narc. If it quacks like a duck, its probably a duck, as the saying goes. Do you want that kind of life for your children? You have been emotionally abused, your little boy has been treated badly. This is your future.

There are so many red flags. I read through your previous blogs, and really think that its time to break free, while its easier. I dont know how things work in Canada, division of assets might be different, but I would get your ducks in a row for an exit strategy PRONTO. Its not the SD, not really, she is just feeding into it. She is probably really confused, but she has learned from him how to be and what is allowed. So much of your blogs are centered on her, and then you zing a comment out about him, and Im like going "whoa! What was THAT!" He calls you names, berates you, gas lights you to make you think you are crazy, uses your money, contributes nothing much except his DNA, and you keep holding onto him. It must be like embracing barbed wire. You must have bonded with him when he was on best behavior.

So, I am sad that you are going through this. Its really hard, and you have tried. Keep us posted!

somethingwicked's picture

Really, what exactly does he bring to the marriage/relationship  table that balances out the shit sandwich and the disrespect he feeds you?

Time to cut your losses, spend not a moment more of your life with this user/abuser /loser AND when he is out of your life please seek therapy to determine why or what it is about your lack of self love , esteem or respect to endure such emotional abuse from this person?  Insight will help you avoid this type of future partner.

Dump him asap and pref before the holidays.

Good luck.