Wicked SD
Hi all. I’m new here. Kind of a long rant....
I thought maybe I was one of the only ones who felt hopeless when it came to adult step kids, but I see I’m not. I’ve tried telling DH for the 7 1/2 years we have been together that SD just doesn’t like me. Now mind you she is 27 now. I am not her mom. I don’t want to be her mom. I wanted to be her friend from day one. But she literally never gave me the chance. I invited her out to eat, to go do things, even had her flowers sent to work just because. But never once has she picked up the phone to say “hey do you want to go grab lunch” or “let’s go shopping”.
Well 3 years ago she gets engaged to a really nice guy. Harder worker and very respectful guy. I was so excited for them. I offered to both of them if the needed help to please let me know. I never got one call or text to help with anything. Just an invite as to when to show up for the bridal shower, rehearsal dinner and wedding.
I was hurt to say the least. I wanted to be included in her life so much because I never had a daughter to share this moment with. But oh well. The week of her bridal shower, my brother was killed in an auto accident. The last thing on my mind was a bridal shower. But my monster mother in law insisted I go and take her so. That was on a Saturday. Sunday was the funeral. Neither SS nor SD came to the funeral.
When she got married, at the last moment they remembered they had to squeeze me in the wedding procession. I told them I really wasn’t interested or in the mood. Son in law and his mom said please. I aid fine whatever. DH and everyone else was mentioned at rehearsal dinner. Again, son in law and his mom had to mention my name because I had been “accidentally” left out.
For the wedding I was in 2 photos out of the hundreds and hundreds they took. And to this day, we haven’t received a single one!!
I told DH the was SD was acting that since she has never included me in her life, that I’ll never get to be involved in her children’s life. Guess what? She got pregnant and we were told 6 hours before she blast the news on Facebook. She was already 4 months along. She ended up having the baby 6 weeks early. He was just little, but no problems. The whole time DH is excited about being Paw Paw and son in law’s parents along with SD mom and stepdad are over the moon with their grandparent nicknames. Guess who is the only one who doesn’t have a nickname? You got it, ME!!!! Yep, his Christmas gift, his Birthday gift we’re both signed from Paw Paw and Mrs. Susan
And what’s bad is I would so love to have a relationship with that child. But his mom won’t let me. I haven’t even seen him since last October. Not even for Christmas or his first Birthday, which was March 25.
And to top it all off, we had to go eat with DH kids today for Father’s Day. SS and son in law weren’t that bad. They made small talk. But SD just made it all about her and said how big her little boy is getting. Made me want to slap some sense & manners into her!!
i totally get the feeling of hopelessness
I can totally relate to the rejection from your SD. I feel the same way about mine who is an adult as well. It is truly heartbreaking to be constantly rejected and put down for no reason other than you're the stepmom. My SD informed me today that I am not her parent and that I never was and that I am nothing more than her "dad's wife". I have been in her life for 8 years now. This is the first time she's saying these things to me, so naturally I am very shocked and hurt. She has a lot of anger and resentment in her life that is being misplaced and I am the easy, most likely target. But it still hurts. I want nothing more than to have a good relationship with her, but I don't think that can happen as long as she is holding onto all this anger. I have apologized for things that I didn't even do because I know at the end of the day, her perception is her reality, but I just wonder how much longer do I put up with this? How much longer do I have to play the villain and get treated as such? It's so hard because it messes with my mind and there are times when I wonder if she is right about me. Maybe I am just a monster...But I know that's just not true. All I have ever tried to do is love her, but the truth is, I'm finding, that she never wanted me in her life. She never asked for a stepmom, and although her mom is the one who ruined things between she and her dad, that doesn't change the fact that I am an unwelcome visitor in her life and she is hellbent on making go away...And sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Leave it all behind. I'm exhausted and I feel I have nothing left to give...
Where's DH?
You wrote that you tried telling your DH that SD doesn't like you. What is his reaction to this? He should be asking why you were not in the photos and why you were excluded at the wedding. Also, why they were insensitive to you when your Brother died.
I've been just where you are now, put up with all sorts of rejection and nastiness. Tried to make SD like me. Big mistake. As years went by the hostility and rejection increased until SD had a blow up. It was painful at the time but it made me finally see I was only hurting myself by continuing to be a doormat. I've also allowed DH to get by with not supporting me as his wife which I should have put a stop to a long time ago. We are still working on it but if shirks away from it again he will leave. You should be cherished and supported by your DH. Your marriage should be his top priority.
Disengagement has many variations. For me, SD is banned from my home and DH can visit her elsewhere. I do not ask about her and if DH brings her up I change the subject. You might like to try an altered version on this, distancing yourself from involvement in her life. If she comes to your home DH an do all of the accommodating. If she asks for anything say, "Ask your Father." But whatever you do, let her go.
She sounds like a rancid-souled bitch.
Correct me if I’m wrong but is her biological link to your husband a limited pass to slight you, undermine your role in her life, and make you feel worth less? I think not. She’s probably doing you a favor by keeping her piss poor personality at a distance. It probably gets under her skin that her mother will never be with her father again. If she’s grown enough to lay on her back, conceive a child, and give birth then she’s grown enough to understand that most relationships are simply not a fit even if they do produce children.
My advice to you is to release yourself from her shitty skid experience, stop trying, and reclaim your time and effort. Stop being shortchanged emotionally and accept that your husband’s daughter is a bitch with a sewer for a soul. She’s septic. Who knows what kind of putrfective impact she would have on your life if she’s this nasty with bare minimum interaction. Surround yourself with people who love, cherish, value, and appreciate you and do not waste limited time alive on those who can’t meet that standard.
This is truth of what point stepparents get to
Most of us get involved wanting the best for our families and to have a harmonious home environment with the stepkids. But when they’ve been raised with a piss poor parent, or a narcissistic hcgubm who pas’d her kids out, is a poor example of parenting whilst daddy dearest worked his arse off as a sole income earner to provide for his family while bio mum was ho banging ex bf and married him at the local marriage celebrants office while kids were at school and waited for them to come back fron school and told them they had a new daddy, yup thats my hubbys exwife.
she is a master manipulator and these skids are so effed up, they’re brainwashed by her crap, they can’t even manage a relationship amongst themselves as full siblings, daddy and everyone is blamed for all their eff ups and piss poor behaviour except themselves taking ownership and i hate it when family and their dad says “they’ve been wronged” so they shouldn’t be held responsible, that pisses me off. So what you want to have a pity party for life why you are a failure to launch and be productive adults in society, sorry mate but thats not the way the world works.
my 3 skids don’t even have a relationship with their dad, late last yr i told hubby my kids with him are my #1 responsibility and i wanted to finish my university studies, i have no time for his arsehole stepkids and the excuses made for them, their bad behaviour and they’re just toxic including hubby for allowing this behaviour to continue.
hubby has changed alot but he continues to fall back into bad habits. Its 25 yrs of the bad behaviour he knows isn’t normal or acceptable
i got to a point that unless and until skids become positive individuals to be around, my kids can’t be in harms way. Exwife and family and co are batshit dangerous effed up to the max crazy... sd’s think she’s a friggin angel and she is a changed woman. Yeah how many times have we heard that bullshit here on steptalk only for it to be major bs??
my husband openly told his family our 2 kids and any subsequent kids i give birth to, will be going to school in my country as hubby noticed a major difference in their upbringing compared to his 3 major failures of life... hubby couldn’t even list 1 positive thing about any of the skids.
Eldest sd23 is a mini wife, ss21 emotionally abuses people and is a lazy piece of shit, cocky bastard despite knowing eff all, sd14 follows sd23 by default but i’ve always had this vibe she knows these siblings of hers are toxic especially sd23 but she doesn’t know how to express herself and is never allowed to be alone with us, sd23, bio mum and police stepdad made sure of that
its too much drama for me to handle or be in the firing line so i removed myself out of it and disengaged. Best thing ever...
whenever hubby excuses the skids behaviour, justifies it with the most bullshit excuses ever or has his selective amnesia, i am sarcastic to him and remind him of the facts and he shuts up quick
my sil’s all noticed skids piss poor behaviour and said its a shame it turned out that way. So whenever they see the difference in my kids, the difference why mine are polite, well mannered, friendly, empathetic and helpful is because i’ve raised them that way and accepted the same from hubby, nothing less... hubbys family know i raised my kids well.
at times my dad told me he feels the skids resent me because i am a better mum than theirs and they resent the fact i nurture my kids but i’m not the problem here. These skids need to take this up with their mum which they can’t. Its misplaced blame and guilt...
SCREW ALL OF THAT.
YOUR TIME ALIVE IS LIMITED AND PRECIOUS.
If they can’t figure out how to respect that fact, then I say THEY CAN KISS YOUR WHOLE ASS. ALL OF IT!!!
Carry on with your journey to bliss and peace and discard of ANYONE who persistently proves to be an obstacle. Their biological link does not equal immunity within your life. FUCK THEM. They can go running to their biomom if they feel some type of way about not being accepted after being an utter disappointing pain in the ass !
So... pick you own pet name
So... pick your own pet name and engage with the GSKid. Make it something special for the two of you and ... that will put SD's panties in a wad. If SD gets lippy about it.... inform her that you and you alone will choose what you are referred to as by GSkid and since SD mentioned it... she can now refer to you as Mrs LastName and Ma'am.
Make your focus the GSkid and doing what you have to do to rub the toxic SD's nose in her rancid shit. Do not let DH ever lose touch with the fact that he raised a putrid ill behaved rude POS and polluted the world with the product of his failed parenting. If insulting and hurting you is SD's focus, make yours delivering clarity to everyone she interfaces with that she is toxic including her own daughter and for sure her father and making it so she will not leaver her home because she knows that everyone knows what she really is.
And... have fun doing it.
Grrrrr!
I am sorry that your feelings
I am sorry that your feelings have been hurt through all of this. However, it's clear that you had specific preconcieved notions on how your relationship with this adult woman would go. It's likely that she doesn't "not like" you.. or at least didn't at the beginning, but she may well have been put off by what she may have seen as pushy attempts to be a part of her life.
You tried to win her over... as a friend.. you admit that in some ways she could "be the daughter you didn't have". Unfortunately, she neither needed nor wanted that relationship. She has a mother.. she has friends.. she didn't need dad's wife pushing in and trying to exert control.
I actually think it's a bit odd you thought she would let you in on her wedding planning? I absolutely think that is something she would do with mom.. sisters.. friends.. even bounce ideas off dad.. but probabaly not a stepmom who she didn't have a close relationship with.
I mean.. she DID include you on the invites. You were included.. even if to you it felt like a bit of an afterthought.
I think you may have pushed her a bit too much too fast at first.. and now she is maintaining boundaries that make her comfortable... and that should be ok. Your DH chose you as his wife.. his daughter isn't obligated to be your new BFF. Obviously, she could feel conflicted as to loyalty with her own mother if she were to have a bigger relationship with you.
My best advice is to step back and accept that your husband's adult child isn't up for a super close relationship with you. It's ok.. it doesn't mean you have to accept abuse.. but neither do you need to expect her to have a closer relationship than shewants.
Many moons ago when I was in
Many moons ago when I was in my 20’s, my SM snapped on me and I mean snapped because she had all these pent up feelings of feeling left out, complained that I never asked her for help, or out to lunch, etc. But honest to God the reason for this was I felt like she didn’t want to be bothered with me or helping me, I felt like it would burden her. I remembered asking her for help with things when I was a teenager and I felt like she held it over my head later. I never asked her to lunch because she never asked me, again, I assumed she didn’t want to be bothered with me.
I’d never eliminate her from big life events like my wedding, but I didn’t include her in on making decisions for my wedding venue or my dress etc because 1) didn’t want to bother her, and 2) hurt feelings...I didn’t include my mom either because then SM would get her feelings hurt, and if I included my SM in decision making but not my mom, then my mom would get hurt. I just did my own thing. It may not pertain to you and your SD, but maybe? Either way, communicate it. When my SM snapped on me, I had NO idea that she felt this way. And she had no idea that I felt like I’d be bothering her. Maybe say tovyiur SD, “ I can’t help but to feel like you don’t like me. Was there something specific that I did?” And see what happens.