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MIL Vent - long - sorry!

Step-Volgirl's picture

My mom is very involved with both kids. We'll go out to dinner a few times a month or she'll come over to visit. She attends 90% of SD sporting games and school programs. With our permission, she enrolled SD in an extra-curricular class and took her to each class in order to bond with SD. My grandparents were the same with me.

MIL has declined to attend any of SD's (or DS's) events. The few times she agreed to go to a party with SD, she gets "sick" right before. In the 3 years, DH and I have been together, MIL has come over for dinner once, for Christmas Eve (she tried to bail, but BIL insisted), to my old place for dinner once. She attended 2 of my wedding showers, the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. So a total of 7 outings. DH feels obligated to have SD see MIL every weekend (EOW if I'm lucky). Obviously, this means we have to go there. I resent this!! MIL focuses on the kids - and that's fine, but DH wants me to go to keep him company. This behavior hurst DH, but he feels that he has no choice. Lately, I've been dodging the heck out of going!

hismineandours's picture

so your dh insists on taking kids over there every weekend? What for? Do the kids enjoy the time with their grandma? Is she limited in mobility or something that she cant ever come to you guys or attend events?

I dont know my mil and fil were somewhat like this. They have never had any real interest in any of our children. They dont even speak to or acknowledge them now, but that's a different story. For years they'd see the kids a couple times a year-when we hosted them for xmas and then maybe a time or two if they ran by our house to borrow something from dh or perhaps ran into them in public. They were nice enough to the kids in person, but totally had no interest in them for the most part. We used to invite them for dinner,etc-but they never wanted to come over-felt that we should drive to them-at one point dh and I had 3 kids all age 3 and under in car seats, diapers, formula-so you can imagine it was quite an undertaking just to do a brief visit-but we did do some.

My kids are all older now and know what's what. They know these people have no interest in them. Dh came to realize that he was not going to actually facilitate a closer relationship with his efforts, because his parents werent interested. As my kids got older they started refusing to go over there.

Cocoa's picture

i'd find something else to do and let him take them. be honest with your dh. tell him that although he feels he has to take his kids over there to facilitate a relationship, you do not. he won't like it, but he will get over it. when the kids get old enough, they'll want to quit going themselves anyway.

Step-Volgirl's picture

hismineandours -
MIL used to babysit SD on Saturdays when DH worked 16 hours (and BM was too "stressed" to keep SD at home with her), so MIL and SD do have a close bond. Howver, I've noticed lately, the 1st question SD asks MIL is a variation of "What did you get me?". If I'm there, I have to prompt SD, "SD, What you mean to say, is "Hi, MIL! How are you? I missed you this week!""

MIL has some health issues, but not enough to stop her from taking shopping trips and vacations. I really think she just prefers having everyone come to her so she can hold court.

Cocoa -
I'm trying to get DH in the habbit of taking the kids (or just going by himeself) when he (or they) want to visit, but it does hurt his feelings...and I really don't like doing that!

christinen's picture

I don't see why you have to go over there every single time your DH goes. It's his mother. Does he go with you every single time you go to your mother's house? If he wants to go over every weekend, he can go alone (you can go sometimes, but I see no need whatsoever for you to be there every weekend).

Some people are just lazy and want everyone to come to them. I am not sure what my own mother's issue is, but DH and I have lived together for over 2 years and she has been to our house only a handful of times (we have no kids together, just SD), and most of those times she was dropping her dog off so we could take care of him while she goes away.

I don't know why she never comes over. I never really asked. But she expects me to go to her house every Sunday. I do go most Sundays but I never expect DH to go with me.