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(Poll) Are you in or out?

Jon-Boy's picture

Are you 100% commitied to your maraige, for bettter or for worse.
(Including the step children.)

Or did you marry your spouse "only".
Those are not my kids, not my problem.


stepoff's picture

Good poll JonBoy!

Is there an option C - both A and B?

I'm committed to my marriage. We can work through anything that comes our way, big or small. I feel a marriage is forever and should not be entered into lightly.

I also married my spouse only. The skids are now adults, so when they do have a problem, DH will help them work it out, but that's about as far as it goes.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Option A.... we decided up front we were both either all in or all out. It's so so hard but we hang in there the best we can!

Good poll!

belleboudeuse's picture

Option A. I'm committed to my marriage. WITH the caveat that my husband understands that as a married couple, WE are the primary decision makers of our household, and that we decide things together, as a couple.

They are his children, and I do not need to be involved with decisions about their lives that do not affect me in any way. However, With decisions that do affect me, I expect that we will make them as a couple.

So, that's the other side of your question (and perhaps an even more crucial one for the success of your marriage): Is your SPOUSE 100% committed to your marriage, for better or worse, or is your spouse 'married' to your children?

I would argue that WE cannot be 100% married to our spouses unless they are to us.


"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

Colorado Girl's picture

Option A ~ all the way. Smile

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Angel's picture

I am committed with the options that the Bible gives. The Bible gives an out--------we don't have to put up with everything. That is why I didn't marry a man with very young children (oh, you should have seen the one I let go because he had young kids!!!! mama mia)
His children are behaving themselves and I don't have too many problems anymore. He is 7 months shy of having 0 child support! They actually love their dad and like and respect me.

I know myself. I know I couldn't have handled young children. I used to teach first grade (25 years ago) and I almost killed myself on a fresh crisp Monday morning.

Oh, if he gives one cent of mine to anyone without my permission he is also toast. That is my only non-Bible inspired exception.

the2ndmother's picture

Option A for me. I love my husband and SS with everything I've got. But then again I have been helping with my SS since he was 7 months old, so maybe that helps.

Amazed's picture

Tough one...I'm 100% committed to my husband and my marriage. Am I committed to his child? Not so much...that's what her mommy is for. i'd NEVER in a million years push her from Dh's life though.

So I'd like option C if you can make one: Those who will not leave their marriage,will do their best to see it successful and will do what they can to make their stepchildren feel welcome and happy but not at the cost of their own personal happiness or their marital stability.

~Why run away? I know who I know who I am. Just let me be~

LindaL's picture

Option B, for sure...
I love my husband very deeply and commited to my marriage, but since I was told by him that I had no right to try to put limits to the skids and the exact same words "they are not your kids, they are MY problem not your"...sooo I guess, I'll say Option B.

Stick's picture

Option A... Without a doubt. Jon-Boy - can I add to this poll?

Option A Ladies - Was this determined by a "discussion" or laying out of the rules... or did it come about organically, as a series of mishaps, accidents, arguments and let's work this out talks over the course of your relationship?


Option B Ladies - Is your husband on the same page as you on this? And did it come about by discussion? Or organically?

Thanks Jon-Boy! Great blog!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Rags's picture


Ours came about as a type of mutant hybrid of your Organic/Discussion options. It was, is and will remain a combination. We discuss and things evolve organically.

Fortunately for my Son (SS) his Mom and I have never been on the same page at the same time as far as ending his life for his CranioRectitis problem. When she was ready to kill him I have been the calming influence. When I was ready to kill him she has been the calming influence ........ LUCKY FOR HIM! Wink

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

belleboudeuse's picture

Option A: This came about as, through the first months of our becoming a serious relationship, I realized that BM expected to be THE wife, with permanent authority over DH, and me an add-on. And DH -- well, it didn't really occur to him that I was being treated as though I should just settle for the crumbs. Don't get me wrong, he has always been a GREAT partner, but where BM was concerned, if she called, he immediately went into "BM husband mode."

After about 3 months, I had taken the lay of the land, and realized that I wasn't the sort of woman who could put up with being treated as less important or having less of a place in my man's life than his first spouse had expected/demanded to have. So I explained that. And, since he thinks I'm a queen, he understood. Luckily for me, when I laid it out for him, and he realized that he was treating ME (the queen) less well than he had treated BM (the horrid cow of an ex-wife), he completely understood. And, I have never had to put up with being put in second place again. Yay, DH! Smile


"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

glynne's picture

Bella has it right.

Our partners must recognize and respect the marriage. The marriage must come first and not allow the children to rule the family.


the2ndmother's picture

Option A for be is because we laid out the ground rules in the beginning. I started dating my husband when my SS was 7 months old, so the ground work had to start there. and now my SS is turning 3 on the 17th and he loves all of us and gets the same love back. We are starting to run into some problems with the bm now, cause we got married 4 months ago right after the marriage she started to not want me to have anything to do with ss, but before it was ok. But my feelings are still the same in for the long haul and I love him to death

Shaman29's picture

At first it was Option A for me......then over the course of two years of living with step-demon I realized.....


I will never, never, ever, ever allow step-demon to try and rule my house or marriage. She did it for nearly two years. DH can have her......I want nothing to do with her.

Not my kid...not my responsibility....not my problem.

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

Rags's picture

I will go with A+. When I asked her to marry me I committed not only to be my Wife's husband but to be my Skid's Dad. He did not choose me, his Mom and I chose each other and as her husband I chose him more than 15yrs ago.

Though he is a very intelligent, well behaved young man who I am in many ways very proud of, he still drives me nuts with his insistence on going through his life with his head firmly rooted up his ass.

But, he is 6mos from HS graduation, 267 days from turning 18, 267 days from ageing out from under the visitation element of his Custody/Visitation/Support Judgment (no more Mom and I paying half of his visitation travel expenses to the Toxic Sperm Clan) and if he does not figure out in a hurry that he has to do more than scrape by to be truly successful in school and life he will have a huge surprise at HS graduation.

Instead of a car, a cushy summer and the Mom and Dad full ride college plan he will get a card with a one way bus ticket to the Marine Corps Recruiting office.

He has been told, and told and told. He has not listened, has not learned to pull his head out of his ass, so now he is going to have to feel the true and "adult" consequences of his actions. He will have a choice of moving out on his own and doing manual labor or some other less than interesting job or he can go learn how to be a Man and earn his living dodging bullets and IEDs in the desert for a few years.

I am and always will be my Wife's soul mate (and she mine) and I will always be my SS's Dad. But I am just about done being his meal ticket, bank and baby sitter.

But ..... I am in alllll the way. In for a penny in for a pound I guess.

I am extremely confident that some day I will stand next to my Son (SS) and be completely proud of him. He has to figure it all out some day.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

vgill's picture

I am committed to my husband and our Marriage ( we both had shitty relationships before) and we really appriciate each other!! As for our children, He has been so open and loving to my children, however they were very young when we started seeing each other, like 1, 3,&5. now his children were older 8&10. He has been the best father my children could ask for and I have done my best for his children, however most of the time they treat me like dog shit!~ So If it is him or his kids it is definatley him and maybe the kids can go live with their problem causing Mother and perhaps she can deal with the mess she has created by teaching them to behave like they do!

vgill's picture

I am a BM and a step mom and yes I am crazy, you have to be to do this job!! I used to think that being a Mom was the hardest job in the world, but being a step Mom to 2 hateful, ungratefull, selfish and disrespectful boys is the hardest job, but I do my best to try and reasure them I am not going anywhere and that I love them, but not the way they behave!

ChaiLatte's picture


"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

StepMadre's picture

Great poll! Thanks. Smile

I'm going with Option A, but that doesn't mean that I am a human doormat and that I signed over my independence, dignity and feistiness when I signed the marriage papers. When my husband married me, he got the whole shebang, including my nutty, noisy and sometimes overwhelming family and I got him and his kids. My family is very important to me, just as his kids are to him, but they don't follow us everywhere and sleep in our bedroom and the same goes for the skiddoes. Insta-bonding doesn't happen naturally with any kind of blended family and that includes all the in-laws on both sides as well as the kids.

I don't see how I could possibly be fully invested in my marriage and check out when it comes to the skids. I love my husband as a man, a friend, AND a father. It's a huge part of who he is and I can't ignore it. I have these two little people that are emotionally attached to me and who live in my house and I can't detach from that (and am not sure I would want to if I could). In a perfect world he never would have slept with that skanky ho (that actually makes her sound a lot more interesting than she is) and I wouldn't have the challenges with the skids that I do. He made mistake #1 and mistake #2 and he has to live with that for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, I have to live with them too, but that's only because I fell in love and chose to marry my love rather than have an easy, skid-free, but loveless life.

The only way Option A is possible for me though is that my hubby supports me when it comes to skid things. Amazingly, he understands my complex feelings about them and doesn't (anymore) have unrealistic and farfetched expectations about my relationship with them. We see eye to eye on discipline and house rules and he always fully backs me up and supports me when it comes to discipline. He has extremely high expectations for how the skids treat me and wouldn't put up with them disrespecting me. At the same time, he is completely comfortable with me being an equal disciplinarian and doesn't side against me, go too easy or too harshly on the skids. Other than that they call me by my name, you really can't tell that I'm not their bio-mom in the way they relate to me and how my husband expects me to treat them. I am actually more affectionate than their mother, but I am also a way stricter disciplinarian and they respect me, whereas they do not respect their bio-mom. I have my struggles, obviously, or I wouldn't be on this site, but if my home life with the skids and my husband were any different or if he or the kids disrespected me or treated me like a babysitter I wouldn't be able to tolerate it and I would go for Option B. I am only able to fully commit to my husband and the skids because of the dynamic we have created and because my husband sets the tone for the little guys to respect and obey me. My hubby is extremely affectionate with me in front of the skids and they also see that he views me as an equal partner and that creates the environment where I am able to commit to them 100% without sacrificing who I am or degrading myself in any way.

I can completely understand why people go with Option B because every family is completely different and if my situation were different, I would have to go with Option B rather than A. I am also a naturally bossy person and am too much of a control freak to detach to the point where I could allow kids in my life that I had little or no interaction/bonding with. I like to be where the action is and since my husband is absorbed with his kids over half the time, if I don't get in there and participate emotionally, I would be left out in the corner teaching my cats how to speak english. Biggrin

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

herewegoagain's picture

I started with option A ten years ago...4 years ago I changed to option B...and that's where I'm staying.

BMJen's picture

A for me and A for DH.

No matter what happens I will be his wife until we both die. He's the love of my life, and I love everything about him. If that means I have to go full force into his childrens life I'm down with that. That just means I've added to my family, now I have two daughters that I didn't have to go through the pain of childbirth to have! Yay me!

Nothing will ever come between us. No hurdle is to big for us. No matter what it is, it will always be us.

imagr8tma's picture

Option A. BM attempted to put herself in the middle with being hateful, vindictive and controlling.... BUT she got kicked out of our marriage.

We both love and take care of each other and our kids. BM does not contribute to our marriage or house and there fore has absolutely no say so here in our home - just as we have no say so in hers.

We decided she is not to know of what we do or decide to do in our home... unless it changes what money she receives. AND since child support remains the same - she does not need to know what we do, decide or decide not to do. We don't ask her about her finances or personal life and expect the same respect.

Our kids are great and We concentrate on them and us.. . . . Period.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

melis070179's picture

Is it possible to switch from one option to the other? repeatedly? Wink

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

KittyKat's picture

I originally thought Option A would be the only option in that his 3 daughters were ADULTS and, hopefully, looking forward to their OWN LIVES as I did (and most young women) when they are in their 20s.

WRONG!! I had no problems with BM in that she has been happily married to someone else for over a decade; however, the adult Ds had been "daddy's" best friend and psuedo-spouse until I came along. Ergo, I was number 4 in line.

I have slowly worked myself into #1 (where I frigging belong!!), but it hasn't been without a lot of strife along the way.

My suggestion: Before you say "I do", make sure YOU KNOW that your spouse is in the MARRIAGE for THE MARRIAGE, not to make you a co-partner in the relationship with is adult kids.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

stepmom31's picture

Option A - for the worse and then for the better!
I read that it takes years for stepfamilies to finally reach some point of peaceful existence. I have to stick around to reap the rewards of the step-dust finally settling down, right?

Plus, DH is simply perfect for me, I have never ever felt this way about someone before. I won't give my gem up just because the kids can sometimes be a pain and the BM is a pain-in-the-@ss.