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Boundaries and privacy in your own home

jojo68's picture

Is it wrong to want privacy in my/our own bedroom when it comes personal things e.i., dressers, drawers, nightstand, stored things, ect.? Last night I came home from work to find my bedroom literally ransacked. Pretty much everything had been gone through even to stored items under the bed. I have lately hid my toiletries because SD17 steals my things and I don't have things I need to shower or get ready for work. I guess that is why she did try and find where the things were, I'm not sure. I guess I just don't get why my DH is ok with all this and never even stops to consider my feelings. I expect privacy in my bedroom. I would think that that is a pretty common standard. I'm not sure if she knows how much it upsets me and is doing it in hopes that I can't take it and I leave or she just does things because she is trying to establish dominance. Whatever the situation may be DH is on her side and no matter how much I love him, this might be a deal breaker.


Aniki's picture

Jojo, it sounds like it's time for a lock on your bedroom door. If not, then you should insist that you have a safe, LOCKED place for your things. Your DH may be okay with someone pawing through his things, but that is NOT normal behavior.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

This would be a deal breaker for me too. DH and I have a rule: no kids in the master bedroom unless we give permission. We consider that our personal domain. I make sure SD12 and my bios have all the things they need (shampoo, shower gel, etc.), and they know that they better not go in to our room.

It sounds to me like you have a DH problem. He needs to establish boundaries with his kid. If he refuses, then you have a choice to either stick around and deal with this or find your own space. If my DH allowed his kid to ransack our room and get into my personal things, I'd be gone.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I would march in to her room today and trash it so she can get a good taste of how violation feels. If your DH doesn't stand up for you why don't you stand up for yourself and tell them to both hit the road?!

My skids aren't allowed in our room period.

SatansStepMom's picture

Yep, I totally agree. When my step devil thought it was cool to go through my things I gave her a dose of her own medicine. Borrowed her favorite shirt with out asking, used her favorite make up, left a mess in her bathroom. Give her room a good "go through" and see how she likes it. LOL.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

No it is not. I live in a family room. I YEARN for privacy. So I understand COMPLETELY!

Get a lock on your door, you shouldn't have to deal with that crap. That's YOUR space, not theirs.

WalkOnBy's picture

You are absolutely entitled to your privacy in your own home. Get a padlock if you have to.

You could always hit up Lovers Lane and buy some racy toys and leave them on the bed Smile

I have NEVER allowed kids in my room. If your husband thinks it's okay for others to ransack your stuff, you may have some tough decisions ahead of you Sad

DaizyDuke's picture

What the heck did your DH say??? That is beyond ridiculous! If SD wants to borrow/use something of yours, she needs to ASK first. She is not ENTITLED to your things simply because you live in the same house.

I'd march my ass into her room and ransack it and take what I please. Then see what DH and SD have to say. If your DH is making you out to be the skid hater on this, I think I'd have to be done with him.

jojo68's picture

Thanks ladies...I refuse to live this way. I live there and contribute and my feelings should be considered. Just because she lives there she should not be allowed to do this.

DaizyDuke's picture

Ask your DH this... if your father was living with you guys, would your DH be OK with your father going into his room and ransacking his things and taking whatever he pleased? I bet the answer would be no. So why is ok for his daughter to do the same?

SatansStepMom's picture

Oh hell know. After I was done ransacking her things, I would ransack DH's and see if he thought it was cool. After all, if he thinks its okay for a CHILD to do that to his wife then it should totally be cool for you an Adult to do that to his stuff, Right?

Acratopotes's picture

Not going to help - to proof my point I ordered my son to go through SO's things and take some of his shirts, shave in our bathroom and not clean it..

SO did not say a thing, cause he knows me too well, if he dared say anything, he would ban his daughter from doing it lol

tankh21's picture

Oh hell no!!! I wouldn't stand for that crap at all. What is it with these men that would rather have their kids like them and do whatever they want then respect their own wife?

ESMOD's picture

No.. absolutely not wrong. Her father should make it clear that your bedroom and bathroom are OFF LIMITS to her pilfering. Now, if she needs a toiletry item... she can ASK her father (or you) and it can be procured (bought/loaned) if it is needed.

I can't believe he would not have a problem with her digging through your stuff.

Llilac1's picture

Yes a practically grown child ransacking my things and dh thinking it’s not a big deal would be a dealbreaker to me. Not cool. I’m sorry you have no privacy.

jojo68's picture

I guess what makes it hard is that I truly love DH and I don't want to leave him over something like this but I just can't feel this way any more. I am so angry all the time, it is wearing me down.

AshMar654's picture

I was not allowed to go in my Mom's purse or through her personal stuff ever. You should totally expect privacy in your own home. I would say something to her and tell your DH if he gets mad at you to stuff it.

Thumper's picture


GREAT question and YOU are not required to have an open door policy in your marital bedroom area PERIOD.

Gosh, my dh and I were talking about our own parents bedrooms AND our Grandparents bedrooms the other evening. Us kids NEVER stepped foot into our parents bedroom without permission. My own bio's are not allowed in ours either....they have to ask.

It would be interesting to ask your dh about his own parents position about this topic when he was little. MUCH can be learned about our spouses when we share common upbringings OR very different ones.

Teas83's picture

When we moved into our new house a few years ago, I made a strict rule that SD9 is not allowed in our bedroom. She used to freely walk into our bedroom in our previous home and I wasn't going to stand for anymore. She hasn't broken the rule.

I suggest that you put a lock on your door. It's not normal nor is it okay for a 17 year old to rifle through her step mother's belongings.

jct918's picture

Lock your bedroom. I can't believe your DH is not on your side on this - SD at 17 is an adult and should know better. This is definitely passive aggressive, disrespectful, controlling, etc. When my SO's daughter, 13 at the time, came downstairs wearing my pajamas (that she went in my drawers to get) I immediately said "there is NOTHING about this that is OK", (I had told her before she was not allowed in my room or bathroom) SO backed me up, and that was the beginning of the end to her being welcome in my home. They know exactly what they are doing!!! They want to see how far they can push the boundaries. I met her when she was 10, and SO and I still don't live together. I told him if he can't get her to respect me and my things, they had to stay at his house on the nights he had her. That was it.

DaizyDuke's picture

I just don't understand any of this. I can with 1000% honesty say, that if I was remarried and BS8 had a step dad, and step dad said, "Daizy, I'm just not comfortable with BS8 taking my things and using my things without asking" I would have ZERO problem telling BS8 to stop taking and using step dad things with out asking, and if he continued there would be consequences.

I just don't understand what goes through people's heads, that justifies this type of behavior??

Iamwoman's picture

This would definitely be a deal breaker for me. DH should protect your privacy and put the skid in her place.

princessmofo's picture

Get a lock for your bedroom door. Period. And I, personally, would have NO problems telling little Miss Sticky Fingers that my stuff is off limits. To hell with what your dh thinks about it. You are entitled to privacy in your own home. I could NOT live like this.

princessmofo's picture

True. I refuse to have my feelings marginalized or dismissed. But hey, I'm a b*tch like that. Wink

ndc's picture

You need a keyed lock on your bedroom door that SD does not have a key for. I would also tell DH that this invasion of your privacy is a HUGE deal to you, that SD has been told not to go through your things and that there needs to be a consequence for that deliberate defiance. If he is not willing to impose a consequence, I would not want to live in the house with her. And if it happened again, she woukd no longer be welcome.

Is this SD expected to launch at 18?

Just J's picture

Oh HELL no! This is not ok at all, and I can't believe your DH would allow it. What is with these guys who think their little princesses should be able to go through things that aren't theres? That doesn't fly in real life. Ask DH how it would go over if his little precious ransacked her boss's office. These guys with their heads in the clouds are just unbelievable.

When DH and I first moved in together, his daughter (7 at the time) went into our room after the cat, who had gone under our bed. And I told him straight up, your kids can go anywhere else in this place, but not my room, sorry. And he agreed. I deserve my own space, away from two kids that aren't mine. Even now, with two bios of my own, I do not allow them free reign of our room. My son will occasionally ask to watch tv in our room, and I'm fine with it, as long as he asks. And he would never, ever think to go through my or DH's things.

This is so ridiculous, and such a violation. You would never do that to her and I can't believe your DH thinks there's nothing wrong with this.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I am so angry for you!
Your SD is invading your privacy, disrespecting you and basically pissing on your territory. Worse still your husband doesnt control this feral pilfering child??

Dealbreaker? Definitely! You are being treated like trash. SD can live elsewhere. If this were my DH, so would he! (I dont see why I should lock up things in my own house either. Why live with this kind of people in the first place?)

KittyKatMomma's picture

Call the cops and explain you've been ransacked-have them take a report and if DH asks whats up-tell him you're pressing charges once they determine who the thief is.

Go toss her bedroom. And when she comes crying to Daddddeeeee-"Oh damn those trolls must be out and about because they got MY room too!"

Pop some popcorn first.

Growing up-we NEVER entered our parents bedroom nor touch their belongings. if we dared to take their shit-it was hands down on the table and a ruler came over the knuckles *yes mom and dad were raised catholic*

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Install a key lock doorknob, stat!

It’s easy to do. And don’t give your SO a key. Let him feel the consequences of his lazy parenting.

BTW, when DH and I bought this house, I noticed the door to the master suite had a locking doorknob, with the key in it. I commented on it (since I hadn’t seen that before) and the woman who owned the house rolled her eyes and said, “We have a teenaged daughter.”

Blue Moon's picture


And I agree to let your DH without the key. If he can't defend you and your stuff, let him wait for you to open the door for him.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Move SD's stuff into a storage shed in the backyard, redecorate her room to your taste, move your stuff into that room and lock the door.

Cover1W's picture

Locks are fantastic! All of the above!
If for some reason, you cannot install a locking doorknob (super easy) that your husband cannot have control of, then there's lots of locking boxes of different sizes and types out there. Even locking cabinets.

I had to install a luggage lock on my makeup box when we had a shared bath and DH couldn't manage to tell the SDs NO and my words did nothing. I also moved stuff to our bedroom (which older SD investigated ONCE and earned my cold as ice words which did work). We have a lock on our bedroom door but (so far) don't have to use it.

However, I did put locks on some laundry room cabinets b/c SDs couldn't keep out of my house repair tools and other items. Because DH couldn't tell them NO.

You can take control. Don't ask just do it.

pixielady's picture

Please get a lock for you door. OR get a nanny cam and show your DH next time she goes snooping through your things and ask him if that's acceptable.

Acratopotes's picture

Jojo - this is why I moved out and lived on my own.

These brats have no boundaries, they think they are the boss, I had years and years of fighting with SO about it, and he simply said, she's my daughter and she can be in my room. Locking it only caused fights. I simply moved out. I stopped contributing to anything in his house, he got upset, he got very lovey and made empty promises, I still refuse to move back, simply because I asked him....

What will happen uni holidays, are you going to ensure the bedroom door is locked and Aergia stays out of our bedroom, he said, she's my daughter if she wants to use the bathroom there's no problem with it... I simply looked at him.

This is a girl with her own bathroom en suite, why the hell would she want to use ours?

Ispofacto's picture

Nothing pisses me off more than this.

The privacy invasion and stealing, and then lying, was the final straw that caused me to completely disengage from Killjoy while she still lives in our house. Our relationship will never be the same again.

I tossed her whole room and took her door off its hinges. I put a keyed lock on my office door, and our bedroom has an unkeyed lock that will open for any pointy object. I'm seriously considering a keyed lock there as well, which would be inconvenient, so I might go for an electronic keypad.

DH thinks she is too afraid to do anything like that again after the drama from last time, but she's like a junkie, and I don't know if she can stop. DH told her if she does it again, she will not be welcome in our house anymore.

Most of the time our door is closed. She was told she is not allowed in our room anymore at all, but just the other day while I was sitting up in bed, she walked two feet inside our door and stood there, taking a slow look around. She's so fuck!ng creepy. She just doesn't *get* it.

I'm pretty sure she is a fledgling psychopath.