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PAS?

Jcksjj's picture

So SD left her email up when she left. Which we weren't even aware she had. But she was emailing BM the whole time she was here. Mostly complaining about the food and saying she hardly ate anything. And BM is clearly playing into her complaints, especially the ones about how boring it is here.

Eta: DH said the food she was complaining about she told him she loved last time she had it. Hmm. 

Also, SD emailed her a bunch this morning saying how worried she was that she was late to pick her up. So her attempt to look like moty failed miserably.

So is this PAS? Sure it looks like it to me.

 

Comments

Stepdrama2020's picture

I am willing to bet your  SD left her email open on purpose. "See mommy agrees that it is awful here"  SD is  playing the victim and mommy to the rescue. Mommy has SD exactly whrere she wants, and in return SD is letting you know how awful you are to her. You really are cruel for not feeding her  Wink Shame shame! LOL

Poor little Cinderella

 

Jcksjj's picture

Maybe. I know for sure BM was assuming we would see it and trying to put on an act of how caring and concerned she is when she is here. 

1dad4kids's picture

I'm not sure the email itself is alienation. But there's definitely some going on. 

Don't acknowledge that you know about the email. 

Jcksjj's picture

No, I wasn't planning on acknowledging it. We're acknowledging to them basically nothing and giving away none of our thoughts or feelings.

Then I come complain on here instead lol

tog redux's picture

Ugh, SS used to do that all the time. Yes, it's PAS. BM giving her sympathy and attention for BS complaints about your home. 

Jcksjj's picture

The idea that we're supposed to cater to her all the time is insane. And on top of that, what she decides she likes or is happy with changes every time she's here. So I guess we're all supposed to just sit down and have a meeting when she gets here so she can give us a schedule that pleases her and a meal plan.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It sounds like your DH did the right thing. Catering to them and giving them attention for creating drama makes them into insufferable miserable people to be around! 

halo1998's picture

yes its part of the alienation.  Oh honey..I'm sorrry you Dad won't give you food you like.  I know its so hard being there when they won't take you to do x,yz.  I know it sucks for you to go to your Dad's when they don't do annyttthing with you.

BTDT got the T-shirt.  At one point GWR complained to Beaver that we didn't feed him all week....mmhmm...ok. 

Cover1W's picture

Yes, you are correct. My OSD did the same then she was gone once DH started acting like a parent. BM blamed DH for everything. It was/is nuts. I'm sure our home is bashed at BMs, but we do not do the same here, and I think that keeps YSD here for the time being. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Don't mention the email. I would jot down her address and password if you can though. Just for future reference. 

Yes, it's definitely PAS. Feeding into the BS kids have to say and giving them attention/sympathy for bad mouthing the other parent. If BM was TRULY concerned about her child eating, she would contact your DH directly. Instead she is PASing and fueling the complaints. 

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah thats one of the first things I said too when she said SD can only be here 2 days a month. She said nothing to us and then all of a sudden it was DH needs to go to therapy. With no discussion, just based on one thing SD said.

strugglingSM's picture

Oh yes, one of my SSs does that, but via text. Two of my favorites:

SS: I hit (brother) in the face, so dad yelled at me and now I'm hiding in the closet.

BM: What?! That's ridiculous! Who are you afraid of, your dad or strugglingSM?!

Second favorite

SS: Dad just made me breakfast, but I'm still hungry. He doesn't have any food and I don't want to say anything about it because I'm afraid he'll get mad. 

BM: I'm so sorry. I'll have lots of yummy food for you when you get home.

Those are both word for word, except for changed names and typo removal. 

I do think it's PAS. It's also childish on BM's part. An adult response would be, "you know your dad will give you whatever you need, so talk to him about it." Or "you always have fun with your dad, so you will be fine." That said, I think "proving" PAS is a futile undertaking. Any parent who will alienate can also convincingly lie that they were only trying to "protect the children". They have also probably convinced themselves that, that's what they are doing. It stinks and despite the fact that it happens more than you might think, society typically buys HCBM's claims that a) mother know best and b) everything mother does, she does for the children.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Definitely BM playing for favorite parent. But you also have to ask yourself what's wrong with these kids that they will alienate their own parent. 

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with this. It's hard for me to not see SS's role in this now that he's a teen. I know that BM has normalized this behavior for SS, but also know that he knows he's creating drama and he knows he's doing it at his father's expense. I just avoid him for the most part. I'm cordial, but that's it.

Jcksjj's picture

I agree also. It's been apparent to me for awhile now that SD doesn't really connect to people, she sees them as what they can do for her. 

There's definitely a personality thing involved and I dont think its always just gullibility. In my SDs case its definitely shared traits (with BM) of narcissism and selfishness 

Maxwell09's picture

Yes. Anytime one parent is playing the "you vs them" game with the skid it's alienation. One of the easier ways to figure it out is if the responses are geared towards "fear" over small incidences instead of that of a normal, healthy parent would encourage communication to solve. Like instead of saying "don't worry I'll bring you something or eat when I pick you up..." That keyword "worry" makes the kid think they have something to worry about it. A healthy coparent would have suggested a way to solve it between child and that parent "...maybe you should let your dad/sparent know so y'all can work out some alternatives to dinners if you don't like what they're having"

 

I would say not to necessarily mention the email because you could use it later for something more worthwile, but maybe dad can take SKid grocery shopping and ask her for ideas so that way if she still complains about the food y'all can then confront her with both the messages and call her out for playing her mom.