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Here we go again with BM and my usual drama

iamlosingit's picture

DH was being SO supportive of my upcoming appointment today for an ultrasound (external this time) that he went out of his way to ask SIL and MIL watch SS for a few hours today so he could meet me at the clinic.  It was unexpected and not something I pushed or even hinted for him to do.  MIL has been a great voice of reason and called me on Friday to discuss said appointment and to ask if DH talked to me about going.  She said he is frustrated with the treatment I have been getting and wants to be supportive, adding that sometimes it helps to have another voice in there that might think of anything you might forget.

Needless to say.....this went out the window very fast courtesy of BM and DH emotions being amplified X100.

Since BM can't weaponize SS anymore....she is using him as a shield so to speak.  And still doing everything in her power to fight and disagree with DH about EVERYTHING and cost him as much money as possible.

DH went to drop off SS yesterday after the weekend visitation and BM greeted him with the words "SS needs to go to therapy and I am bringing him weather you like it or not and you can pay for it because this is all YOUR fault".

When DH said "you need to follow the court order and discuss these things with me, you aren't following the order."

Her response of course was to yell "yes I am! I am going to be doing what is best for MY son!"

DH "No you AREN'T, you don't discuss ANYTHING with me you just go off and do it! We need to talk about these things it's not all up to just YOU! The court order is 50/50 legal! You need to talk to me!"

followed by BM screaming at him "he is MY son yes I CAN you have no CHOICE!" and slamming the door.  I'm sure the neighbors are loving this. *sarcasm*

Now DH was a basket case last night because all of this happened at drop off meaning SS most likely heard all of it.  DH said he didn't start yelling until she did the "MY SON" thing again....which drives him nuts because she acts like she grew SS in a Petri dish all by herself and literally will not discuss ANYTHING with him she just "informs him" no matter what his response is and does it.

DH says if BM brings SS to a psychiatrist without his consent he is going to sue the practice for treating a child without consent of both parties.  Obviously like the doctor visits....we will not know when or where she will bring SS until we get the bill in the mail.

I'm not even sure DH went to work today....he was up all night wrecked with guilt over losing his cool with SS within hearing distance. He says he "has too much on his plate and can't do it all anymore".

 He has visitation again today like I stated before...I'm guessing he will forget all about my appointment and go pick up SS from school and not the bus stop....and I will be forgotten again....because he can't ignore his job, and he can't ignore SS, and he can't ignore his I come in last and am the only thing that can be "dropped" off his "overwhelming list" as a result.

Oh...and icing on the cake, got a phone call on Saturday that grandpa was rushed to the hospital for a "heart attack" (Thanksgiving replay anyone?) so I rushed over to the clinic again.  They aren't ruling out a heart attack but they said it has something to do with COPD...haven't had a chance to Google it yet.  He and grandma were in the car to go somewhere and all of a sudden he said "I can't do this anymore" and grabbed his arm and chest and fell over, stopped breathing, and started turning blue.  Ambulance was called and he was rushed in.  He was given a nebulizer and an inhaler in the ER, unsure if he was sent home or not but they were leaning towards sending him home.  Oh and grandma started in on me right away "Now that your brother is gone it's time for you to find somewhere for your mom to go".

Oh FML here we go again.  Time for ME to find??? Um NOPE. NO no no no.  PLEASE NOT AGAIN.

Do they not realize how long it took me to coordinate with my dad to find a place for him and my brother to live???

As a result of the "fabulous weekend"...I am now at a total loss as to what to ask the surgeon today.   DH and I were supposed to make a list after he got home from drop off....yea like that was going to happen. The pain (which was excruciating Mon-Thurs) has now gone down quite a bit....figures I have an appointment with a surgeon and my damn symptoms that I've had for MONTHS go quiet.  I am SO frustrated and debating skipping the appointment all together.  I feel really alone. 
"Do something about your mother" is playing in my head like a broken record and I can't focus on anything.

I envy the poeple with a "normal family"; mom's that take you out for coffee at random, a nice house in the neighborhood you want because you arent' held down by the damn visitation drive, a husband you adore who makes enough money so you can have a kid of your own and go on vacation once a year to somewhere warm, (heck screw the kid I'll take a puppy).....oh these daydreams are fabulous.  I don't even know how much this ultrasound is going to cost dammit.  If it reveals nothing I swear I really don't know what else to do.  There are no other steps.

I want a vacation.  My new mantra should be "when life throws something at so it hits someone else".



tog redux's picture

Ugh, sorry life is so hard right now. Sad

Your DH needs to learn not to react to BM, he's giving her just what she wants, an argument. (And by the way, a doctor can treat with only one party's permission if they have joint custody.  The court order affects BM and DH, not any providers that one of them takes him to see. What they can't do is refuse to give the other parent information.)


ITB2012's picture

Sometimes clinics have a nice layout of what happens, why you would need it, what to talk about, what you might not think about.

If you want, put one of us on the phone. We'll make them keep scanning until they find the answer!

And, I know how you feel about being last. I've been last with my DH, too, and watched him handle and help with everything else with zero ability to prioritize based on need.

lieutenant_dad's picture

If he dismisses you during this appointment, I really hope you ask yourself why you stay.

No, you may never have a normal family. That is outside your control.

But finding a spouse who puts you first? And will grow a family with you? And own a home with you? That does exist, just not where you currently are.

Either your DH is what you truly, deeply, desperately want and is willing to prove his worthiness, or you're wasting your life, time, and energy on a black hole relationship. Please don't do that.

Thumper's picture

Did dh show up for the ultra sound?

I would like to suggest for the sake of ss, that ss walks TO dh's car and FROM dh's car from now on. DH should stay in the car, windows UP and bm meets  and exchanges the child 1/2 way to dh's car. IN a very safe location of course.

Your DH should never ever get out of his car unless the child is in crisis.


iamlosingit's picture

SIL jumped to help and got SS from the bus stop so DH was able to go, however no ultrasound was performed.  She did a hands-on pelvic exam again and dismissed everything.  I agree with the exchange thing but drop off is right in front of BM house and there isn't always street parking.  I will mention it to him.  This might force BM to communicate via text only...however I believe she will just call repeatedly because she doesn't want DH to have any texts that can be used against her.

Monkeysee's picture

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, you've had nonstop drama from every direction for eons, I don't know how you manage it. I'd have lost the plot by now.

That said, I really don't see what you see in your H. You might not have control over your health or your family of origin, but you do have control over that aspect.  Goodluck has it right, SS should be walking himself to & from the car & your H stays put. Drama with BM is not a good enough excuse to treat his wife like she doesn't matter, especially when you're dealing with all the things you deal with on a daily basis. All he's got is a situation of his own creation & it's bowling him over so much he can't find the strength to support you in a major health struggle?  Unacceptable.

I hope you gain some peace in your life, I really do. You deserve it.