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Just an update

I love dogs's picture

Not sure if anyone cares but I needed a little vent. I have been in Utah for one month now and DH for 2 weeks. My job is so much better than my last and DH starts a sales job on Monday. My mom stresses me out a little bit but she loves the baby and is so helpful. 

I barely hear about SD or BM and it's heaven! DH thinks he's going to get her up here for a few weeks before school but I highly doubt it. Even said it would "make his summer". I was nosey last night and read some of his texts to BM and she is already pulling the "I'm scared for SD to fly alone".... Even though SD will he 13 in a month.

But I will say nothing and let DH deal with the hole he's allowed himself to fall into. The best part? DH signed some notarized agreement drawn up by BM to give her 100% legal (what she's always wanted) for no child support and visitation during breaks. I hope DH already sees that this is only in BM's favor like it always is and I can have my family in peace. I'm just confused because BM has always acted like she is the sole parent anyway but at least DH will be off the hook for CS *if* it goes through. I read that a court order will always trump a notarized document.

Also, baby cakes is the best, most beautiful baby ever and already has her 2 bottom teeth! She is absolutely perfect.

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

If BM is on any form of assistance, like SNAP, no CS won't go through. The state isn't going to allow a parent to not pay CS if they are having to provide support to BM. That will be especially true if DH's new job pays above minimum wage and if he isn't relying on assitance as well.

I shouldn't say I'm shocked, but I'm saddened that your DH would give up financial support to his daughter in addition to visitation. I feel bad for SD that her dad has written off his responsibility to her in favor of her sister.

I understand that you're relieved, but this should not be something to celebrate.

Disneyfan's picture

How can a "man" making the CHOICE not to help support his child be the best part of all of this???

Those poor girls got a dud for a dad. 

 

 

tog redux's picture

BM will just file for full support and then she will have both 100% custody and CS.  Well played, BM. 

ndc's picture

If BM can support SD without help from biodad, she may very well be happy just to have him mostly out of the picture. A friend of mine made that deal, and she will not file for CS because she wants to make sure biodad stays gone.  She thinks her kid is better off with no dad (but a couple positive male role models) than having a bad dad who isn't all that interested in her drift in and out of her life at his whim.

STaround's picture

If the guy has already moved out of state, he is going to have to pay CS and lose legal custody.  She does not have to give up CS.

hereiam's picture

I take it that your friend is not married to bio-dad, so her not filing for CS is very different than OP's scenario. If bio-dad in your friend's case doesn't want to be involved and doesn't file for paternity and visition, she can get away with not involving the state and not filing for CS.

In OP's case, the state is already involved and her husband currently pays child support. They are not just going to let him off the hook. BM may agree to lower CS, and the court may go for that, but I doubt they are going to let her waive it, entirely.

ITB2012's picture

I told my son as soon as he was old enough to notice girls and make me a grandma that if he got a girl pregnant, I don't care if they are married or not but that I would make it my life's mission to make sure he supported his child for life whether it was as an active parent and/or financially. He'd be getting a job and possibly not make it into/through college in the typical timeline.

Perhaps your DH will put the CS into a college fund or some sort of trust for later?

still learning's picture

Notorized means nothing in the courts since a judge did not sign off on it.  All it means is that a notary witnessesed them both agreeing to this non-binding decision.  The girl is only 13, in many states CS goes through college. I guarantee that your DH is not off the hook, and he shouldn't be because he brought a child into this world and should support her.  

MollyBrown's picture

I predict posts about a SD who is resentful in a year or so....    He is truly a waste of a father. 

Harry's picture

This is not going to worked.  First time something happens where BM can not paid her bills. They will come after SO for all back CS.  Thaling away his drivers license, tack refunds ect. Until he is payed up.   Not bright 

advice.only2's picture

To be honest, getting something notarized CAN help in court. When meth mouth claimed DH shorted her on CS, he told the courts they had a verbal agreement, which they did. The judge told him if they would have written something up and both signed it, notarized it, and submitted it to the courts, it would have held up and she would not be able to get back CS.

advice.only2's picture

I never said she won't get CS, I was just stating the you can present a notarized document signed by both parties and present it to the court system and it can hold up in court.

tog redux's picture

BM agreed with her attorney, signed off by the judge,  to never seek an increase in child support, and that fell over like a house of cards. Of course she got more money.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'll agree it can help, but I doubt it will for zero CS when BM has had a history of not beinf able to fully support herself and SD being on Medicaid.

When my parents got divorced, my mom and dad decided, with their attorneys, for my dad to pay less CS so that he could maintain a home for us. My mom made enough that she didn't need to bleed him dry, and my dad was generally pretty good about paying for things on top of CS.

Both of my parents made middle class incomes from steady, benefitted jobs, and both owned homes (or were in the process of buying), a car, and had decent credit. My parents weren't agreeing on no CS, just $300ish instead of $1200. My mom didn't NEED it to pay bills. Yet, the judge STILL balked at it and only agreed to it after meeting with my mom, reviewing her finances, and talking to both attorneys. Even then, the judge adjusted it by $50 or something stupid because he thought it was just too low.

So yeah. I have a really, really hard time believing with a notarized piece of paper from a BM who works part-time as a waitress with 2 other kids all on Medicaid that a judge would order no CS.

advice.only2's picture

I agree and understand I was just saying it can hold up in court, not that she won't get CS or shouldn't get CS.

Husband's wife's picture

it doesn’t mean the man from this topic would abandon the second child too.

I had seen many situations in my life where farthers would be inexistence to their first kids and excellent with the new ones. It is sad for the first kids yes, but it doesn’t mean other kids would suffer too.

My own father had a boy from previous relationship, he took care about this kid and everything. Parents were forcing me to interact with the boy, to certain level.

But now my farther calls me almost every day and this boy is blocked from my farther’s phone and life. We are all grown up so it is not the same but my farther does not feel anything for his first son, does not see him anymore and does not talk to him.

While for me he is always present.

My parents are happily married since 37 years and it is not ready to change.

My farther recongize he slept with the wrong woman, he paid for his mistake until the boy was 18 and did not have any interaction afterwards.  At the same time he was always an excellent farther to me. 

I would say wait and see, it is not granted that this husband would do the same to the new child. 

tog redux's picture

Read the OP's blogs if they are still up.  Up until this minute, her DH claimed to love this child and want to take her with him to the new state.

Now he's given up 100% custody and won't be supporting her. He's not a prize.

Husband's wife's picture

people change and we never know.

She also wrote about how the SD used to behave, maybe this farther got fed up by this bs and that’s it. Or something else, we don’t know. 

tog redux's picture

Really? It's OK to give up on a kid that doesn't behave and move away and stop supporting them?  I'm sure glad my parents never did that with any of us.

 

Livingoutloud's picture

The kid didn’t even misbehave. Taking in consideration crappy parenting SD turned out ok. Just a regular teen 

lieutenant_dad's picture

So parents are free to bring kids into this world, and if the MINOR doesn't act appropriately (i.e. not violent, just an a-hole like most kids can be), it's okay to abdicate responsibility for them? Because you want something different?

Sweet Lord, no wonder we have so many messed up adults who perpetuate and exacerbate this cycle of crazy and poor parenting.

tog redux's picture

Seriously. "I'm tired of this kid, I'm moving to Utah. You take her, and no, I won't help out one bit. But that doesn't make a bad person, really!"

lieutenant_dad's picture

OP's DH drove drunk with OP and SD in the car while OP was pregnant at the time. Nearly slammed them into a guardrail, if I remember correctly.

He doesn't have a great track record for keeping his SD, or his pregnant wife, safe and cared for.

Also, you think your father is great because he chose YOU. I have watched my mom abandon my sister and brother when she was "done" being a parent, and the hurt that causes ripples outward. It hurt my relationship with my sister - full sister - because felt cheated out of something I got, which was my full childhood with my mother. It has hurt my relationship with my father because he feels like he owes my siblings while I don't "need" him because I'm my mom's "golden child". And it hurts me because I feel immense guilt for not hating my mother for her behavior when I should be really, really angry. I'm constantly conflicted on how to feel.

That pain and confusion doesn't go away even when you work through it. It messes with you for a long time, if not forever.

Husband's wife's picture

you see how different people are. I do not feel any guilt and/or hate or anything except being grateful to my farther. His first boy was raised by a stupid BM that would not let my farther parent him. He was raised entitled, lazy and stupid. My mom is a total opposite of this lady, I was raised to work hard, help my parents and fight for my education and career. Well no surprise the first kid is a total looser who kept asking money from me, his so to say younger “sister”. I was resentful for my parents to force me into half sibling relationship, other than that I had an excellent childhood and am very grateful to my parents for everything they had done.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Right, because they chose YOU. Your BBro was poisoned by a vengeful woman and had a lackluster father who didn't vet the woman he impregnated before doing so. Your father helped unleash another leech on society because an orgasm mattered more than a condom or abstinence. Your father helped perpetuate the cycle of lazy losers. All because you turned out well doesn't mean he didn't contribute to the problem of mentally unhealthy adults who weren't properly parented.

ETA: And all because it worked well for you and might work well for OP doesn't mean it should be praised, agreed with, or condoned. Parenting is too big of a responsibility to do it haphazardly. There should be ZERO understanding given in a situation where a man, after 13 years of barely trying, decides it's easier to raise a new kid with a new woman and leave the first one to fend for herself. Yes, there comes a point where it isn't healthy for anyone to keep fighting, but that doesn't absolve the initial mistake of breeding poorly.

Husband's wife's picture

I am going to call my father and blame him for his orgasm Smile

are you serious ? Non of us is perfect, parents, children, wives and husbands. This is life 

Now I am not saying my farther was a good father to this first boy. What I am saying he was a good farther to me. And this is to illustrate that it does not mean that a parent that was not perfect for the first child will repeat the same pattern for subsequent ones. 

Disneyfan's picture

What your father did is nothing to be proud of or brag about.  I would be embarrassed and disgusted to know that I had a parent that could toss a child aside like day old trash.

Husband's wife's picture

Repetition 

Livingoutloud's picture

Many women have very low standards and very low expectations when it comes to men. Pretty much if he wears pants, he is to be glorified and put on a pedestal. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Listen we don’t choose our parents and I understand that you  love your father despite him being less than an honorable human being. It’s perfectly understandable. But there is no need to glorify such unacceptable behavior on his part.  

Willow2010's picture

The best part? DH signed some notarized agreement drawn up by BM to give her 100% legal (what she's always wanted) for no child support 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That is just disgusting. 

Your DH is such a loser.  But you know this.  And you know the responses you were going to get with this blog.  

notasm3's picture

I am NOT approving of men or women who abandon children.   But as I am older than dirt I have a slightly different historical perspective. 

I am glad to see so many men embrace paternity. In my youth - 50+ years ago ,  a half a century ago -  in the days before DNA testing - it was nothing for a man who had slept with a woman he impregnated that he did not want to marry to get his buddies to claim they had also slept with her. Making paternity impossible to determine.  Net result - no CS and no tie to the child.  The bio father happily walked away without a second look.  

Fatherhood in particular was often downplayed.  If a child was not born into what was once a loving marriage the father was often portrayed as just a  peripheral person who didn’t matter. 

There are all too often remnants of these attitudes that still exist.   We all too often hear here about BMs (now SMs) who have children with a bio father who is not involved at all.   

I do not have children so I know I do not truly comprehend the bio link - but I have to admit that I can see how someone can choose to delete a POS from one’s life no matter the DNA link. 

Cooooookies's picture

You are celebrating a father abandoning his child?!!  Best hope he won't do it to your precious baby cakes. 

None of you should be allowed to breed.

Disgusting.

momjeans's picture

The only positive outcome with this move is that I love dog’s DH will no longer be able to abdicate his parenting duties off on her, like he has from the get-go.

momjeans's picture

It’s all quite bizarre, though, how BM didn’t want much to do with her own daughter, always and forever pawning her off on  dad, and even more so I love dogs, to just do this - and I love dog’s DH go for it.