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Should skids visit in another state when BP is working 50 hours a week?

I love dogs's picture

DH wants SD to come up for fall break the first week of October but hasn't said anything about taking time off. I'm the one who is at home most and I'm not using PTO when she's here. So if my calculations are correct, she'll basically sit in the basement most of the week.

Comments

twoviewpoints's picture

Yes.

You've said before sd gets along with your mother (are you still living with your Mom?). SD can bond a bit with her baby sister. And besides, doing nothing all day is pretty much what SD did when she came before the move. What's the difference now?

You are free to go about your normal daily routine and work. 

Disneyfan's picture

So predictable that I think these posts are posted just to get a reaction.

If they aren't shit stirring posts, I feel sorry fir the OP's kid when she has to walk in SD's shoes.  I believe in karma.  Often times karma will skip us and hit our children.

tog redux's picture

I've thought for a long time that none of this is real. No one could enjoy all the crap she gets for her posts, unless that was their goal in the first place.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

In your case; yes, the child should visit. Her Dad has moved away from her and if she can only see him in the evenings for a week, that is better than not seeing him at all.

diamonds-and-lace's picture

Because none of this is SD's fault. All of this is entirely your fault and her father's fault. Stop making it harder than it already is for this kid to have any semblance of a relationship with her dad.

Or you know what? Tell him no. You don't want her there anyway. Perhaps him not driving around drunk with her in the car is more beneficial for her health and development. We know what kind of decisions you make for yourself and your own child.

Harry's picture

Then he has to make care arrangements for SD,  That’s NOT you or your mother.  That’s some one else or some place else.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

And where do you send a teenager, whose worst quality is being lazy? Can't send them to daycare, and he moved super far away from anyone he could have found help with. Plus, my guess is OP wouldn't be happy if he spent all his PTO so he could stay home with SD because that would leave him, likely, with no PTO for her and the baby. DH could visit SD in her home state, but OP wouldn't be happy with having to spend the money and take care of her baby by herself for that long.

Not all SKs are awful and need round-the-clock supervision. You can disengage while the kid is in your home. What you should NEVER do is put your SO in an unwinnable situation that ALSO alienates them from their kid.

Letti.R's picture

What do parents who have their kids full time and work long hours do?
Do they get to ignore their kids or send them away?

Yes, she gets to visit and your H should make child care arrangements. 
It is not necessary for you to be involved, but your H is making a terrible mistake if he prioritises work over a temporary visit of his kid whom he hardly sees.
Unfortunately, it smacks of "I don't care about you" and "can do without you" - and the kind of person who does this to their own child should answer WHAT/WHO you are married to.
 

justmakingthebest's picture

I personally think it's important for kids to see parents working hard. Spending evenings with her dad is still valuable bonding time. She is a teenager, not 3. She can stay home while he is at work and just leave it at that. Coming from a home where we have to fight tooth and nail for anytime with SS14, I could never imagine doing anything but supporting an out of state visitation.

Livingoutloud's picture

Dad wasn’t spending any quality time with her when he lived in the same town. So what difference does it make if she visits him in a different town and he just the same? In fact maybe seeing dad going to work is healthier for her  than seeing him intoxicated in all hours of the day (provided that this new job requires him to be sober ). 

Harry's picture

let SD come but just don’t care. It’s up to DH to care for her.  Not your problem.

saying that, you know your DH is going to get SD for the week no matter what you say.  She is his mini wife and he miss her.  So disengage from all of it.  Just tell yourself It’s only a week.  How much nicer it is not seeing her every week.  It’s two and half months away.  Thing can come up.  Maybe she will get a BF and want to be with him not with you.  School project 

Livingoutloud's picture

I don’t remember her ever being a mini wife. He could miss his kid regardless, even the most useless parents miss their kids, it’s only normal 

tog redux's picture

She always seemed like a decent kid to me. Maybe her mother is more sane than we've been led to believe.

Disneyfan's picture

The child, the mom and the grandmother are normal, sane folks.  The mother was "meddlesome" because the father has a history of doing dumb stuff in regards to parenting.  

 

I think the OP read all of the legitimate horror stories posted here about awful BMs and SDs and for some crazy reason wanted to be in THE CLUB.  She took normal stuff(a mother being concerned about her child's wellbeing) and twisted/ exaggerated them into much bigger issue. ( Mom trying to control what dad does in his home during visitation)

 

Livingoutloud's picture

She said mom also did drugs or pot when she was with DH but since cleaned up her act. Good for her 

I love dogs's picture

I have NEVER said BM cleaned up her act. I actually said she and her boyfriend both sell pot.

Disneyfan's picture

Mom and her boyfriend sold weed and your husband was one of their customers.  

You are  worst than all 3 of them because you knew that there were children in the home and did absolutely nothing to protect them.  

You keep trying to throw shade at BM and the choices she has made in life, but your posts indicate that you are no better than she is.  

The main difference between the two of you is your education and career. 

Both of you had a child with a useless father.  Only difference is that you married him.

Both of you have committed welfare fraud in order to provide for the child that man created but wasn't able to adequately support.

 

Disneyfan's picture

Nothing the OP has ever posted indicated that SD is a mini wife.  If she were, dad would have gone out of his way to ensure that she was well taken care of and never in danger.

If SD were a mini wife, dad would not have jumped at the opportunity to no longer help support her.

Everything that the OP has posted over the years, under each user name, indicates that this guy is a clueless father that doesn't think twice about putting his children or wife in danger.

Felicity0224's picture

Ummm, yes. I actually think having kids in the home while everyone goes about their “normal” lives is more valuable than making every visit a vacation. 

ndc's picture

Yes, they should. It's important for her to see her dad, and there aren't a ton of opportunities for OOS visitation for kids in school. People work. 50 hours a week isn't unusual. Your DH should plan on spending most of his non-working hours sober and giving his daughter quality time. It'd be nice if he could take a day off or work a couple short days while she's there, but being new to his job that might not be realistic. She's old enough that she doesn't require babysitting, right? So let her come and spend time with dad. If it turns out he doesn't make time to spend with her, the answer might be different next time, but you all should try to make this visit work.

fourbrats's picture

ago that this was the plan all along. You are going to her state for a party and picking her up so she only has the fly once by herself. So why are you complaining now? 

And I agree that it is beneficial for kids to see the adults working and what "normal" life is, especially if your husband expects to have her for summers. that is how it will go. Find some things for her to explore during that time or things she can do with your husband after he gets off work. She could get to know kids in the neighborhood and do things within walking or bus riding distance of your new home. 

Winterglow's picture

'she'll basically sit in the basement most of the week'

And ...? She isn't your responsibility so what's your point?