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BM sent diapers and wipes for the baby

I love dogs's picture

This was weekend before last when DH dropped SD off but why? It was 2 of the small packs of diapers (maybe 24 in each?) and 2 single wipe packages from Target. She also told DH that she and her mom, GBM who said my newborn looks 'Asian' (as most newborns do with their swollen eyes), want to meet the baby- again, WHY do they think this is their right? I told DH I don't want BM dropping SD off or picking her up and thinking she can come in and meet the baby. Just no! Also, for DH's birthday, GBM bought him a sweater as usual and a sock/ headband set for the baby. I left it all up to DH to thank them because I don't need anything from BM or her mother.

Comments

somethingwicked's picture

How speshule!

Use them and send them back with a big thank you note so she can appreciate how well her gift was appreciated.

 

I love dogs's picture

I thought about it but I'm just done interacting with either of them but I'm sure she felt that her good deed was done and I don't want to give her the glory. She isn't my ex.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Send the crap back.

Ban BM and GBM from your life and home. Not your ex, not your exmil. NM and GBM aren’t allowed within 100 ft of your child. Period.

Lay down the boundaries with DH ASAP!

Biohag and Grandhag aren’t ever allowed NEAR my kids! Not even my dog. Period. End of it.

I love dogs's picture

I agree and I emphasize to DH everytime SD comes over (when he tells me) that she is NOT to be dropped off because I will NOT be nice if BM shows up on my doorstep expecting to meet our child. The only reason the gifts were accepted was because DH brought them home and told me who they were from after the fact.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

then you have a husband problem. He should have said NO THANKS to them! The pit of vipers making snide remarks about HIS INFANT. 

susanm's picture

How does your DH feel about introducing the baby to BM?  I get that you are feeling very protective right now.  That is natural.  But I suggest that you not make it a huge bone of contention that gets everyone's blood up.  At some point she will see and speak to your child.  It is going to happen.  Not tomorrow but eventually.  

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I was going to say, take the damn diapers and let her see the baby at some point.  She doesn't have to come in your house.

What are you going to do, cover the kid and run every time BM comes near you at an SD event?  SD was a turd to tell you that they thought she looked Asian, but so what. I could see saying that about my best friend's baby, it's not an insult.  Someone should have asked SD if she was trying to stir the pot when she said that, but it's done now

Between this and the damn Valentine's Day cupcakes that no skid is ever supposed to look at because SM made them for her "lover", I'm starting to believe the evil SM stereotype.

 

I love dogs's picture

I don't plan on speaking to BM so there is no reason for her to meet our child. DH does not think it's necessary, either.

Lndsy747's picture

You don't plan on speaking to her ever? I mean don't get me wrong that sounds amazing but a little unrealistic. At some point during pick up, drop off, a skid activity or even graduation she's going to see the kid. I definitely wouldn't be trying to do a play date or get together but it sounds like you're trying to keep her hidden.

I would be the bigger person and say thank you use the diapers and not make a big deal out of it.

Disneyfan's picture

Your expectations are unrealistic.

Your child will attend SD's events. (Sports, parties, graduations, wedding, events for her nieces and nephews....)BM will be at those events.  The teo of them will see, speak and interact with each other.

Jcksjj's picture

Why would they necessarily interact with each other? My DH has a half sister who is 10 years older than him and hes never spoken to her dad once in his life. And her dad had primary custody. He said the only time he even remembers seeing him is at his sisters wedding. At a big event like that or sporting events it doesnt even seem realistic that the little kid would go up to a stranger and just start talking to them. No one ever told him he cant be around him or talk to him or whatever, there just was no reason for it to ever end up happening.

tog redux's picture

I don't see why SD wouldn't want her mother to meet her half-sister. Seems a little unfair to not allow that, just to be spiteful.

But it seems that's what going to happen.

Jcksjj's picture

I dont see why she would honestly. My DH didnt care, my SD doesnt care, my friends growing up with half siblings didnt care either. Putting myself in that place I dont think I would either. If either of my parents had went on to have more kids after divorcing I really dont think it would have even crossed my mind to consider that they should meet my parent that they had no relation to. I mean if it ends up happening that they do meet obviously everyone should act like adults, but I dont see why it would ever be planned. BM isn't a relative to the baby and parents wishes trump siblings' anyway.

tog redux's picture

I don't think it needs to be planned either. But IMO, it shouldn't be actively avoided, with the OP now saying BM will NEVER meet her child because she MIGHT have made a comment that the child looked Asian (which is apparently a huge insult to OP, which is a subject for another thread about racism).

I picture OP running off with her baby's head covered so BM can't see her, which seems petty.

Listen, I hate BM in our situation - but I do prefer to act like a grown-up when possible.

Ispofacto's picture

When GD was born, BM called GBM to tell her that I had a black GD, in a derisive tone.  She had to get that information from SD, so I guess it was the only information worth mentioning.  SD had to give BM something to rag about.

Our BM is a slavering ghoul, and I never wanted her to set eyes on my GD.  She's like Twit, only worse, she's actually is responsible for at least two deaths.  BM has seen GD a couple times at events, and it makes me sick.  If I could have covered her head and ran away, I would have.  Maturity has nothing to do with it.  Having BM around any of my kids makes me feel stabby, and my kids are all grown.

Imagine being in the same room as Gacy.

 

Goodluck's picture

Personally, I would NOT make specific plans for her to visit in your home. Sooner or later she may see the baby. Maybe as you drive OFF and she runs down the sidewalk?

I would however send a Thank You note.

My dh never ever wanted BM to be near our babies we made.

 

SteppedOut's picture

I just don't understand why bm and gbm are so freaking in to wanting to meet your baby?

Maybe because they don't want dh to " have something exclusive" with sd? If they meet baby then they are "in on it too"?

So odd.

I love dogs's picture

Exactly. Plus GBM is just a Nosey Nelly and still calls DH "her son". I get that she likes him better than her own daughter but she isn't my kid's grandma.

Disneyfan's picture

The grandmother actually sounds like a sweet, kind woman.  I have posted becore that she gives you cards/gifts for Mother's Day and/or your birthday.

 

I love dogs's picture

She means well but has always overstepped boundaries. When I first met her, she told me that she and her husband loaned DH $15K for his business. The truth was they loaned BM the money and DH never touched it. Also, the ' Asian' comment was just over the top for me and completely unnecessary.

thinkthrice's picture

put on a love bombing act so that she could get FREE contractor services for her entire cheapwad, rolling in the dough, white trash nation clan and the church she attends...that apparently doesn't mind having as its member an old, unrepentant whore.  Oh and when Chef was repairing computers, she received free computer services for the above mentioned hordes.

After the breakup,  when Chef was under the false impression that Battleaxe and the Gir clan "kept all their exes," she still tried to weasle free repairs, etc out of Chef.  

When that didn't happen,  it was ON!  She literally stopped Chef's older brother in a store and started trashing Chef in public.  She blocked me (and a bunch of other patrons) at a grocery store entrance dressed entirely in black, her 300lb 6' frame giving me a hate stare for so long the other partrons wondered what was going on. 

thinkthrice's picture

birthed out the biological extrusion, known as the "miracle baby" and "princess" to Battleaxe.   Aka the Girhippo.

Crazy inherited.

Jcksjj's picture

Mom instincts when you have a baby are really strong and arent always logical. Its something people dont really get or understand until they experience it themselves. I have a very strong get the *#$@ away from my baby reaction with some people as well. My experience has been that it fades slowly as the kid gets older, but the crazy hormones and changes in your brain that go along with giving birth and caring for a newborn can be pretty intense. I still feel protective of my older son of course, but it's way different than it is with a baby. 

Also we had BM give us a Christmas gift out of nowhere for the baby. Her and DH practice parallel parenting so our households are pretty separate and when I've run into with the baby she stares at the ground to avoid even looking at him so we were both wondering what the motive was. Turns out it had something to do with her fiance's ex that he has a kid with and her being competitive or angry or something stupid involving her and the amount that the fiance's ex is involved in their life. Neither DH or I really want her involved with our other kids so we just said nothing to her about it.

MurphysLaw's picture

I don’t even have kids and I think this is just the craziest sh!t I’ve ever heard!

The Xwife & Xmotherinlaw want to see the Xhusbands new born baby? WHY???

So they can make snide comments?

the baby looks Asian 

OH She looks JUST LIKE HER MOM NOT A BIT LIKE HER “DAD”…Remember when SD was born it looked like Daddee spit her out, looked exactly like her Father blah blah blah

keep these b!tches away from your family!

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah it's really, really weird. BM and GBM here are similar - narcissists that just need to be involved and seen to feel like they matter. I have sympathy for the OP. People are intrusive enough when you become a parent without having to deal with a crazy ex and their family.

Frustrated future SM's picture

My boyfriend's BM did the same thing, only she gave me some things she had saved from when her kids were babies. She gave me books, bows, a blanket, a boppy, and her parents gifted me a couple onesies and a little singing giraffe bear. It was very thoughtful and nice of them and I just sent over a thank you card. I don't want or expect to become friends with BM (BF would NEVER allow that even if I did want it lol) but I definitely want to keep things amicable because there will be times in the future when we'll have to interact and I'd rather things not be awkward and tense. We've chatted briefly on Facebook in the past too and she gave me her number so if I ever needed to contact her about her kids or something I can do that (I can't see myself ever needing to reach out to her but you never know). She's seen my baby a couple of times too and I do get a little protective but I know I need to get used to her presence because she will be around my child at times, but her daughter loves her baby sister so she'd be smart to not do anything to try to ruin their bond.

I think you're right in not allowing BM to just drop in and see the baby whenever she feels like it, but people just love babies. Like I seriously never realized how obsessed people can be about babies until I had one (I never used to obsess over other people's babies), so they just want to see an adorable little baby. I'd definitely try to be amicable though because I'm assuming she will be around your child on occasion.

sunshinex's picture

Is there any reason you're so set on avoiding an amicable relationship? I'm sorry, I don't fully follow your story, but this sounds nice. BM and her mom also gave us a gift when our son was born. BM's mom especially shows interest - she's gotten him an aquarium for his crib, a couple outfits, and a book. Every holiday, she gets him something. It freaks me out that she signs it "from grandma" but whatever, it's a sweet effort. 

They've both met my son who is now 15 months. BM doesn't show much interest but BM's mom has been holding him every time she sees him since he was newborn. She picks him up and snuggles him and it's kind of sweet. 

strugglingSM's picture

I could totally see BM doing that if DH and I had a baby to try to show what a nice person she was. However, she is an absolute beast. She is high conflict and a GUBM, so I'd be having none of it and I wouldn't trust her around my child. 

She once sent me a bracelet that she and SS made. SS brought it and told me he made it himself. I said, "oh, how nice! Thank you very much! Red is my favorite color." I then put it on and wore it the entire visitation weekend. It was not a great bracelet, but I figured I'd show SS that I liked the bracelet he said he made for me. After the visitation weekend, BM sent DH a text message about how she thought it was rude that I didn't thank her for the bracelet. This is the same BM who accused me (via email in front of DH's entire family) of trying to take SSs away from her and / or move next to her so DH could stop paying child support. I'm not interested in playing her stupid little games, so I've cut her off. 

If DH and I did have a child and she tried to nose around, I would shut that down. She once cried "I don't even want you coming to my house!" when DH wanted to pick the kids up because he wanted to go to the science fair with them. DH has never even tried to go into her home once. He just sits outside in the car and waits for the kids to come out, so it's not as if she could justify feeling as if he was going to confront her. He didn't even try to go into their house to get his things after she kicked him out and told him she'd call the police if he tried to come in the house (his name was still on the lease, so she would have had no case, but I guess he was so conflict avoidant that he never tried, not even to get his things). So, if she ever tried to darken my doorstep, I would give her a what for. 

I love dogs's picture

Thank you. I don't want her olive branch or whatever the gesture was and I'm not interested in rekindling our "friendship" for the umpteenth time. After almost a decade, I'm not buying that she's just being nice. People like her only do things like this for self gain.

Jcksjj's picture

 Being "nice" can be a great manipulation tactic. And the answers on here show exactly why...alot of people assume that if someone does something nice they always have a good intention behind it. Gift giving is such a common manipulation tactic that it specifically states on domestic violence protection orders in my state that you arent allowed to send or give gifts. You know better than anyone on here that has never met BM if she is being genuine or not. If she historically has been only out for herself it probably hasn't changed.

thinkthrice's picture

With these HCGUBMs, the parental rotten apple doesn't fall far from the insect infested tree.   They always need a payload... whether that be to spy on SM, trash SM's children,  or get in their digs some way, some how.

fourbrats's picture

ex husband and a HC SM in our family I have to disagree. Their parents are awesome. SM's mom may have raised a loon but she is a lovely and accepting woman. My ex in-laws are spectacular. I couldn't ask for better grandparents for my kids and even for my kids with DH. My ex step MIL spent a couple of years teaching my middle DD to bake before she passed away. My ex FIL includes my kids in everything he does with his actual grandchildren and my ex MIL calls me up and asks if she can take my youngest grage saling with her. 

I actually perfer them to my current in-laws at times lol. 

thinkthrice's picture

just plain lucky.  Most of the HCGUBM's BM are exactly like their spawn.  And have heard about not a few crazy MILs (usually the bioDAD's mom)  

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

First if all, ILD, I can’t remember if I’ve congratulated you, yet. Mazel tov! I am overjoyed that you and new baby are healthy and home. 

Secondly, since you are inviting any unrelated jerk to come breathe on your little bundle of joy, I will happily send you some 7-11 sized packs of diapers in exchange for an appointment slot. When can I come by? 

Just kidding, your DH and BM are absolutely stupid for thinking something like that is acceptable in any universe.

fourbrats's picture

my sister's mother but it did happen. At my niece's graduation (my sister has kids who are slightly younger than I am and the same age as our brothers). And then again at other graduations, weddings, etc and my son actually spent time with her when my sister babysat for me. And my dad hated this woman. He never let that influence any relationship he had with my sister or that she had with us though. You don't have to set up a meeting but being obviously confrontational about it is also not helping matters. 

I understand you are upset about the CPS thing but you also refuse to have your husband own up to his part of that. The therapist was legally obligated to report the incident and your husband was drinking and did behave horribly. Not abusively, buy in a scary drunken manner. Your need to blame the therapist and the mom for what your husband did is too much. Have a talk with him and tell him to quit drinking. 

Chances are BM will meet your child at some point. A school event where SD drags her mom over to see her baby sister who she is proud to have. Or if your DD is the flower girl at SD's wedding. Somewhere, sometime. 

As far as the Asian comment, let it go. For 23 years we have joked that my son was Asian at birth. I am a tall blond and my ex husband is Cuban. Our son now looks like me with dark hair but at birth he looked Asian. It's not meant as a dig and the grandma sounds like a sweet woman who adores your husband. 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

DD7 also looked a bit Asian when she was born. She had thick black hair and DH’s cat eyes. I joked about it because she’s mine, I made that. However, I would have been offended to the core if anyone made comments that were less than the highest compliment to my tiny, perfect girl.

 

BM ended up meeting the baby at SD’s bday party (BM very kindly invited BS to play laser tag). I allowed some limited cooing but didn’t allow BM to touch or watch the baby to give me a break. For SD’s sake, DD is allowed to hang out near BM but chit chat between the two is kept to a minimum by myself and DH. Honestly, if BM had worked harder at the marriage, DD could have been hers. Since I’m doing the work, staying faithful to our vows, putting up with his dang dogs that she wouldn’t let him have..well, then the privilege of interaction with the kid is all mine, too.

I love dogs's picture

Yes! Anything less than a real compliment, especially her comment, is an insult to me. Call me hormonal, whatever, I'm offended. Also, yes! She chose to cheat on DH when they had a great life together. My hard work isn't hers to enjoy.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

you aren’t obligated to share your happy life with BM or GBM. It’s one thing to include SD cause she’s the sister. Sisters are supposed to be special. 

Youre not wrong and how you are feeling is perfectly ok. You’re doing a great job right now.

Disneyfan's picture

You really need to stop.  

You have posted a TON of stuff about your husband.  None of it screams GREAT LIFE for ANY woman involved with him.  

Chances are, BM experienced the exact things with him that you have posted about.  

It is impossible to have a great life when you are living with a substance abuser.

People on the outside looking at your marriage may think that it is great.  People who read what you have posted on the internet know that it isn't.

 

 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

we have a core pack of 2 huge shepherds and that number can go as high as 4 temporarily if we end up with rescues that need a home. Always giant, 100 pound dogs. Slobbery and dusty and absolutely longing to be as close to us as possible. I wash my sheets several times a week because they love to lay on the bed with us and I vacuum daily because they are German shedders. They are a huge PITA to clean up after but such good dogs. 

SteppedOut's picture

I feel you. I have a 90lb female GSD. She is the most "alpha" female ever. 

No dog in my bed though. However, she sleeps outside my door. And I swear to all that is holy she rams her snout in the door crack before snoring, so it pretty much echoes in my bedroom.

2 and up to 4? Yeah, you deserve A LOT for that. 

Merrywey's picture

damn diapers & wipes.  

Puppiesandkitties's picture

It’s just diapers and wipes. Use them, because at some point you will need them, and don’t think about where they came from. 

elkclan's picture

I know this is hard. BM sent my BS a gift for Xmas. Maybe it was a nice gesture. It was a rubber band gun that her boys both had, too. She knows I don't like toy guns. Even if it WASN'T a nice gesture it was at least a funny gesture - because I sent a crap-ton of nerf guns up to her house and a kazoo. 

Your life will be so much easier if you assume the best and prepare for the worst. 

Right now you have the perfect excuse to keep BM away - you're tired, etc etc. BM has seen and speaks to my son - it happens on drop-offs and events etc.  I mean BM would be the last person I'd want to see right now and you have no reason to invite her into your presence and she has no reason to expect that you would. But I can see why she'd want to see the baby. It's her daughter's sister. At some point, she will probably see the baby while she is still a baby and it won't be a big deal but it sure doesn't need to be this week. 

 

 

beebeel's picture

If a SM was being a pushy weirdo about meeting BM's new baby, people would be picking out her straight jacket. 

Petronella's picture

Yet another double standard. BM is considered to have a right to info about SM and SM’s family; SM has no such right. 

Lndsy747's picture

I think it's all about controlling the controllables really not a double standard. If this SM wanted to see BM's baby and felt slighted I would say to back off and give them time. I would say the same to OP's  BM if she was the one posting but she's not. I think it's rude to be pushy about some a new baby unless your directly related but that's hard to control. Most people here aren't saying setup a play date they're saying don't stress about something that you can't fully control and don't be consumed with trying to hide the baby from BM.

notasm3's picture

SD passively aggressively implied that the OP had a child with a man (not her husband) of another race by saying the baby looked Asian. In other words she said her SM was a cheating whore.   Who wouldn’t find that offensive?

Can’t believe some people think it’s racist to be offended to be accused of having a child with a man not her husband?   That logic is insane. 

I love dogs's picture

Oh my, I didn't even think of that! Funny enough, SD said that "they" said BM's son looked like the boyfriend's dad who is white and the boyfriend is half Thai. I thought it was hilarious because the guy BM cheated on DH with was twice her age so it wouldn't be unlikely that BM would cheat with an older guy.

Regardless, as someone posted above, anything besides an obvious compliment about the perfection of my baby will be taken as an insult. Take SD for example: this past weekend when my mom was here, SD asked why the baby was so small. First of all, she's 9lbs and not as small as most newborns. Then SD said I "should've been smaller" as in my bump, basically calling me a fat ass. I'm just done with them all.