Preg SD and the boy
Today was an eye opener. Decided that if DH wasn't going to take charge, I had to. Called a family meeting. Laid out my expectations. Asked SD-17 what she wanted and what she thought would happen with baby, etc.
The boy won't talk about the baby. But the disturbing part - is she says she is ok with that. More detail: she thinks she is in love and that one day he will wake up and realize he loves her too. Until then she is just waiting. She doesn't want to do anything to drive him further away. SD went on to say the boy will not tell his parents about the baby because they will throw him out. He is 19. No job and not going to college. Spends his day and nights partying. Now she tells us that he expects her to give him money. Not only her but his other girlfriends do too. Just recently SD gave him money to go on a trip with another girl. Guess what - the other girl now thinks she is pregnant. SD is denying that it's the boy. "They are only friends." Yeah right.
Back to what SD wants and expects. All we get is "IDK". But she knows that this is her baby and she doesn't want us to raise it. But she doesn't want to work to pay for diapers, food, doctor, etc. She wants to be able to go to college and still have some social time. WTH - that means we raise the baby - right.
I tried to talk to DH about our relationship. He seems to understand that SD can't continue this way. Nor can I. One of us has to change or one of us has to leave. I guess we will see.
- nkbrown's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this. At least she wants to go to college. But about the socializing time, I don't think so...
Would she consider putting
Would she consider putting the child up for adoption? I had a friend in college that I really admired. She was 18 when she had her son but she knew that she could never care for him the way that he deserved. So she did an open adoption and went to college. She gets to see him, the parents send her pictures, and she went on to get a degree.
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
I agree with most of what
I agree with most of what you are saying.
I hope that you contact the BFs parents and sit down with them. I know that he is 19 but your SD is underage--so I think in that circumstance you have every right to contact them.
A DNA test must be done, for CS and to save her a major headache down the road.
Him being a loser is not going to change after this baby is born but at least a CS order could make him get a job (if his parents don't pay if for him).
It is so sad that she is giving this guy money
You can't raise this child, but you will need to teach her how to be a mom. My suggestions....Maybe you and DH could help her at first and get her signed up for some public assistance to help with daycare while in college. Loan her some monies for a ok car to get them back and forth. If she is making payments to you for the car that is less she can give BF, right? I don't know the whole story but if you help her get started maybe by 19 she will be able to move out into her own apt with baby. But at 17 yrs she is going to need some serious help to start.
Right now that is all I
Right now that is all I have. Arguments with her - arguments with DH - arguments between her and her dad -- I don't think we can have a day go by
nkbrown, I am sorry you are
nkbrown, I am sorry you are dealing with all of this, but from what you are saying, SD wants you guys to do all the hard work of raising the kid and pay for everything related to the kid, but SHE want to be the mommy and make decisions regarding the kid, which means you have all the responsibility and no authority. Either you dh puts his foot down, or your in for a life of continued hell.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Its up to the 17 yr old
Its up to the 17 yr old though. She shouldn't be pushed into it. But giving her some information on it maybe helpful to her, that I agree.
Does she currently have a
Does she currently have a job/income? Where is she getting money to give to the boyfriend?
I am sorry that you will have to put up with the all the current and future idiotic craziness that your SD will be sending your way.
Perhaps you may want to view 16 and Pregnant and or Teen Moms on MTV.com,it is very insightful into the lives of teens living with the consequences of pregnancy.Maybe you can watch with your stepdaughter and enter into some kind of reasonable dialog,because right now there is no rationalizing with her,because she thinks she is 'the queen'.You can't argue with the insane.She is like arguing with a 2 year old, why bother?
She has not a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of.Everything she has is by virtue of her father and yourself. Maybe financially he can afford to 'help' her out,but since you are going to be the one who has to bear the burden of mothering her and her child,you make the rules.
You don't have to argue with a broke,failing,pregnant,child with low self esteem,(I would have to remind her that a 'queen' would never be caught dead letting some two bit hustler knock her up,and take her money)who has no rights except to food,shelter,and safe passage. It may sound harsh,but really that is how it is,and you may have to 'break it all the way down' for her,Bill Cosby style,lol.She made a conscious decision,and she did it expecting you all (DH) to foot the bill. That was her plan,and she is trying to work it on out using daddy guilt and the princess effect. She doesn't realize that she is ultimately responsible for that child,and the impact it is going to have in her life. She is fortunate that all she got out of it was a baby,she could have contracted anything,and still could if (while) she continues to be intimate with him.Then who would cover her expensive medications/treatments?
Think of it this way, her hot ass,hot 5 minutes of unprotected f'ing is going to cost you and your DH thousands of dollars,hours of time and endless effort,all while you both could be enjoying the easy years of your life,and she wants to talk any kind of smack?
Bump that.
The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi
SD HAS told the bf - he just
SD HAS told the bf - he just doesn't care. The bf won't tell his parents because he will be kicked out and expected to get a job.
i think you have to tell her
i think you have to tell her that you will provide NotHING. no food , no clothes...nothing. i am sorry, but she is actually like a 6 yr old...and is not dealing with reality.
oh and add this...tell your
oh and add this...tell your DH that if HE wants to help take care of this baby at 2 am with feedings and diapers etc...he can...all by his lonesome with his juvenile daughter...you will be gonzo.
see if he is willing to do this solo
Who cares if he gets kicked
Who cares if he gets kicked out? He is taking advantage of your SD ignorance,and he is taking money from her.Why leave the choice up to him and her?These are not two independent adults,these are two teenagers causing major problems. At some point, the parents are going to have to communicate,no time like the present.
In the good old days his parents would have known something was amiss when her father came banging at their door,looking for the young man that impregnated his daughter.
Since we are trying to be civilized these days,a simple phone call,email,voicemail should get the ball rolling.
The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi
I gave them 3 months and
I gave them 3 months and then I contact Dad myself - and times up. SD freaks when I mention this. Tells me it is none of my or her father's business. This is her and her bf's baby. The boy told her that if anyone gives him trouble about the baby he would not talk to her again. Well so be it. She is obsessed with this boy -- and he doesn't even want her around him.
When she moves out and is
When she moves out and is responsible for this baby on her own, it is none of your business. As long as you are expected to support her emotionally and financially, it is your business.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
"Tells me it is none of my
"Tells me it is none of my or her father's business."
If you two are going to be expected to take care of the baby, then it absolutely IS your business. Plus, she's only 17 so that makes it your business anyway because SHE'S still your business.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this - she's going to have a serious wake up call when that baby comes.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Did I read that SD is 17?
Did I read that SD is 17? If that's the case, she is very close to becoming an adult (May even be one by the time baby arrives?) as such you will not be responsible for she and baby for very long if at all. You are only legally obligated to financially support a grandchild if that grandchild is born to a minor child in your care.
That said, this IS your family and I can understand wanting to ensure that everyone is at least well cared for. She needs to get child support from the BF. If he wants to deny the baby is his then he can go ahead and get DNA-tested. She needs to be realistic about her expectations. If she has this baby then she needs to accept that she will be supporting it not you. That she's not going to have the same college experience that other kids do. Some colleges have a daycare program for young parents with a sliding tuition scale for those low-income students (She would likely qualify for free or nearly free daycare) while she's attending classes. If your work schedules don't conflict, you might make an agreement where you're willing to provide 20 hours of free daycare per week, which she can use so that she can work or if she wants to spend time with her friends. BUT NO financial support (beyond maybe allowing them to live under your roof) she would need to provide money for baby's food, diapers, clothes, medical costs, etc.
I would really be struggling with this decision because on the one hand, without college education she has no chance of supporting this baby and having a successful, independent life because you don't want to be supporting her and her child for the rest of their lives. On the other hand, it's a big commitment that she's forcing you to make because of her poor choices.