Same problem, different day...
I told my dh this morning that i want to go to marital therapy. Over this specific problem.
It is such a ridiculous thing it is almost embarrassing to go tell anyone about it-but I am having huge problems with it at this point. I've blogged before about my dh's army buddy whom he spends huge amounts of time with. Huge to the point in which it interferes in couple/family time, IMO. We talked several times about it before and my dh will commit to not having him here in the evenings and weekends-however that never alsts more than a few days. Army buddy does not like to get up til noon-so by the time he gets going and makes his way to my house-it's almost time for me to be home from work. I told dh, that I cant believe I have to see my husband based on this asshole's desire to stay up all night and sleep in.
This week-On Monday-dh spent 12 hours with him. Mondays our girls have gymnastics and I go to walmart for weekly grocery shopping while they are in class. He knows I like him to go and often he enjoys going. Its good one on one time that we have together. He did not go this week as he was working on some stuff at home-with his buddy of course. Buddy did not leave until almost 9pm when I got home with the girls. Tuesday-I call home at lunch and of course Buddy is there. I'm not sure how long he stayed as I worked til 9pm. Dh was asleep when I got home. Wednesday. My one day I can come home for lunch. I've told dh I really enjoy this and like having lunch with him. I actually had a 90 minute lunch that day. Guess who was at my house? They left before I got home as I told dh if I cant have lunch with just him I'd rather have my house to myself with some peace and quiet. He did not return until almost 8pm that night. Had gone to friends house and gee, they just lost track of time. Now yesterday he did not see friend, but i'm pretty sure it's because he is aware of how pissed I am getting at this point. I've spent 0 time with my dh this week-he has done minimal things around the house because he's too busy with his pal.
Furthermore, these two guys tell each other they love each other daily. That's how they end their phone calls with "love ya". They talk every.single.day on the phone-sometimes for 30 minutes at a time-this in addition to about 5 days a week of visits with one another. They hug each other every.time.they see one another. Again roughly 5 days a week. I have honestly asked my dh if he is gay. He, of course, denies. I have never noticed ANY tendencies in this direction, he and I enjoy a fairly active sex life, so I find it hard to believe. But I do not think this behavior is normal. I have asked dh if his pal may be gay. He of course thinks that is ridiculous. I know my dh is getting all his emotional needs met by this man. This man is his companion, his confidante, his best friend. If only he had a vagina my dh would be set. But because he is sharing feelings with his buddy, hanging out all the time with him, by the time he gets around to spending time with me-he really doesnt have much to say, doesnt really feel like going anywhere, spending time doing things together.
Not to mention this guy is a total loser. Sorry but he is. He's not a BAD person, he is just not very bright, he is irresponsible, can be unstable emotionally, is very needy and seemingly dependent on my dh. He is "loyal" to my dh. If my dh needs somebody to help him fix something, a ride someplace, or whatnot-this guy is johnny on the spot-but other than that I m not sure what else my dh gets out of this relationship.
My dh acts like they are just normal pals, and hey, this is what pals do. They are both retired, they dont have jobs, it gets boring by yourself-so what's the problem? He thinks I'm nuts.
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Well-they didnt go through
Well-they didnt go through much of anything togehher. They were roommates for a few months on a warrior transition unit-both have mild brain injuries and ptsd. So they werent in combat togeher, out in the field, or any other sort of difficult situation. Dh was on this unit for 2 years. He had a number of different roommates during this time-he doesnt have this sort of relationship with any of them other than this guy.
I guess i can see how he might bond with someone that has had similar experiences, similar dx, I get that-but this feels way too excessive.
Sounds like they are having a
Sounds like they are having a bromance. I agree it smells of "emotional affair". "I know my dh is getting all his emotional needs met by this man. This man is his companion, his confidante, his best friend. If only he had a vagina my dh would be set." I'd come right out and say that to dh's face. And tell him if that's the way it's going to be I guess you can find a playmate too. I wish you luck.
I did pretty much say that
I did pretty much say that last night. At first he laughed because he thought I was making too big a deal out of it, then he got angry and offended that I would suggest that either of them may be gay.
Maybe he's defensive cause
Maybe he's defensive cause you nailed it. In my experience people, especially men, get angry and defensive when you call them out. It's called deflection. They try to change the subject and turn the discussion to draw away from the real problem. I'm sure the therapist will tell you all about it. I call bullshit on your dh. He is clealy neglecting his partner, YOU! So, and I'm a huge evil bitch, you should start neglecting his shit.
Didn't you say before that
Didn't you say before that this buddy had a GF? Or did she already dump his butt? My DH is a very friendly, chatty guy and will talk to a couple of his good buddies, probably once daily. He has one buddy that has been staying with us on and off over the past few months because he is going through a crappy time with his EXGF (his 4 year old's BM surprise, surprise!) BUT I don't think I have EVER seen my DH hug one of his friends and I KNOW I have never heard him tell one of them that he loves them. I agree that is rather odd.
I was almost inclined to say that maybe it's because they are both ex Military??? (If I remember right) I know that sometimes they get that "commradarie" thing going... BUT my DH is ex law enforcement and I think they are pretty much all cut from the same mold.. and again my DH would NEVER do those things.
Very strange indeed and sorry I have zero advice for you. Hopefully you can get DH to go to a therapist so you can get some answers or work it out.
Bromance, that sounds about
Bromance, that sounds about right! It's terrible that you should feel so neglected and I am guessing that he has not even thought about the situation because he just goes with the flow.
Start with occasions coming up that you both need to attend, parents' night, or recitals or anything that requires both of you? If he dumps you in favor of his buddy then you can, calmly, state that you do not appreciate being second fiddle to his friend and suggest that he gets some priorities adjusted before it becomes too late to repair the damage already done. Meanwhile, try hard not to make it an issue because sometimes folks are just stubborn and will do the opposite of what you ask...right?
Another thing to do is to spend time with your own friends and have the most fantastic times, laugh with them on the phone over stupid stuff, hey, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander! Oftentimes stuff really doesn't hit home until the other person has the same thing happen to them and even then their experience is different from yours! You can tell someone about an experience until you are blue in the face but it really has not got the same impact unless they have felt the same way, or have empathy.
He has an exwife whom he has
He has an exwife whom he has been with on and off for years. he has 6 kids. A few weeks ago dh and I set him up with one of my friends. It was a disaster. He told the waitress that he and dh were on a bill together and I guess my friend and I were on our own. He looked at dh before he ordered and every time the waitress asked him anything-he looked at dh first, for like approval or something? He ordered the exact same thing as dh. He hugged dh at the end of the night and yelled "see ya" to my friend. My friend picked up on it right away-I hadn t told her any of my feelings on their "friendship" and she said, "Oh, he seems to like your dh an awful lot" "He seems very comfortable at your house". Dh also ended up picking up the whole tab, which didnt sit well with my friend. She noticed how he looked to dh before answering questions and such. it was just very weird and made us both feel uncomfortable, but when I questioned dh-he apparently didnt even notice.
A lot of this is just coming to light for me. Ive complained before about the excessive amount of time they spend together, but after seeing them out together it really sort of made me feel uncomfortable and thats' when I learned of the hugging every time they see each other. I have heard him end teh calls with "love ya" lots of times and thought that was weird.