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How do I fix my mouth to say "I think my Husband is Gay!"

1tinsoldier's picture

After a day of searching and researching online for information, articles, clips, symptoms and definite "signs that your man is gay" I keep returning to my woman's intuition about the matter. I thought my biggest issue was learning to deal with new SKids only to realize that THAT's small fries compared to THIS! My evidence you ask?
1. Downloaded gay porn on his cell phone and when I asked about it said "I like watching ALL porn! It's not strange or gay. Other guys do it too! It doesn't mean I like men it means I like sex."
2. No sexual contact for nearly 30 days.
3. No arousal AT ALL even when I'm naked and closer to him than his skin.
4. His saying "I'm interested in you but I'm just not interested in having sex right now."(for nearly a month?!?!)
THIS declaration from a man who says he LOVES sex to the point of being an addict.
5. Of all the newlywed sex we've had, I have initiated 99.9% of the time.
The list goes on and on and on and I'm undone. I have to be undone because my very first blog in life is about THIS! Go figure!

Comments

nothinforya's picture

I had a BF who was similar in behavior. I begged for it. Finally caught him sneaking away to DC to meet men in subway stations. He was a gifted liar.

1tinsoldier's picture

I do understand that if this is the case it's going to be tough on him and he may never admit it for that reason. We waited for marriage for intercourse and he stills thinks I'm the prettiest woman he knows. He's never short on compliments about my hair or an outfit or what a smoking wife he has, he just doesn't want to have sex with her right now. The love is genuinely there. We just carry on more like roommates than husband and wife.

misSTEP's picture

Although there ARE people who are considered asexual, chances are he is getting it elsewhere.

Any chance of going to a counselor or are you going to put up with it or throw in the towel?

That's just strange to me. My DH and I have been together for 14 years, married for 12 and we still manage to get hot and heavy a few times every WEEK.

Starla's picture

It does happen but perhaps he isn't sure himself if he is gay or not. Do you have an approach in mind or hoping for ideas?

Oops my bad..I see the question in your title

myspoonistoobig's picture

Gay porn and no sex seems like a double whammy of he seems not physically attracted to you Sad

And you're probably gorgeous, which is even more disheartening.

Maybe you should just talk to him about your options....

1) we start having sex
2) we get divorced, so I CAN start having sex
3) we wait a specified period to file for divorce, during which time either we have sex, or we come up with some sort of arrangement for ME, since you CLEARLY don't need it as much as I do

And if 1 or 3 are the choices you're leaning toward... may I suggest marriage counseling?

1tinsoldier's picture

It's not that I need it that much but to go from having sex regularly to nothing intimate at all in nearly a month...something is awry! As for marriage counseling, if he admits that he has sexual desires for a man then there's no amount of counseling that will erase that from my head.

1tinsoldier's picture

It was whirlwind! Under a year. I didn't notice any of this until AFTER we started to share a home.

1tinsoldier's picture

I agree with your husband...and I have already scheduled an appointment.

1tinsoldier's picture

Echo I've set the groundwork for a non-judgemental talk this evening with him. I'm going to ask him again to be honest with me. If he trusted me enough to marry me then he should be able to trust me enough to tell me the truth. If he can do that then we can make a gameplan for the rest of it. I'll be his friend forever but if he's interested in men I can't stay in a marriage with him. That part is simple...

1tinsoldier's picture

I hope my understanding stays understanding! I won't be accusatory but I won't be stupid either!

overworkedmom's picture

Just be prepared for him to deny it at first if he is. Also, not to be crude, but I would be making him wrap it up if he feels the need to "prove" anything for a while. I have many gay men friends and they aren't into protection... just sayin'...

stormabruin's picture

We also do more snuggling now. We're both still straight. I think we've just gotten lazy. LOL!

stormabruin's picture

I think either of us would be tickled to oblige the other, if only one of us wanted it enough to take "top". Smile

1tinsoldier's picture

lol... I wish it were that simple and who knows, it may be! Nothing against snuggling. If there were no other issues I would snuggle for months without a care...something just feels not so right!

1tinsoldier's picture

He loves all of those things stepdown...so do I. I'll know, hopefully, when I talk to him tonight.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

^^^ This would be my response (being raised around alot of men).

1tinsoldier's picture

What about a straight man with a porn addiction? Would he stick to lesbian porn or would he watch any and all of it?

princessmofo's picture

Speaking from experience with my ex...no. He watched oodles and oodles of porn and none of it was EVER gay porn.

1tinsoldier's picture

Outtahere you were convinced but he never admmitted it huh? That's my fear...that he will never admit it IF it's true.

snowdrop's picture

Good luck talking to him tonight. let us know how you make out! This sounds very stressful....

Keep in mind ladies that sexuality is a SPECTRUM. very few people are 100% attracted to one gender over the other... there are shades of grey. Imagine a line with one end being straight and one end being gay, there's a whole lot of inbetween. Some people are truly in the center (thus, bisexual)but many people are not 100% one way or another-- maybe not enough "gay" to have sex with the same sex, but still there are varying degrees of attraction.

seriously, there could be a lot of things going on for him. Maybe he's looking at gay porn because he's curious? maybe he's not interested in sex because he's got something emotional going on...

certainly something is up and there is reason to be concerned. He may be gay, he may not be gay. Talk to him before you try to connect the dots on your own....

1tinsoldier's picture

The promised update:

I did start a conversation last night and it yielded NOTHING! I was calm and soft spoken. I started by asking "Do you trust me?" "Do you trust me with YOU?" His response to both questions was "Yes, I trust you with my life!" I asked him if he still watched porn. He said he hadn't in a while. I asked how long was a while? He said "a good while!" I admitted that his behavior lately has left me with so many horrible questions and those questions are taking over my head. I admitted that I had started an active investigation into what the problem could be. I SAW HIM WAITING TO SEE WHAT I KNEW FOR SURE. I told him that his lack of mental presence and intimacy makes me wonder if he's cheating, if he's gay or has desires for men and just hasn't told me OR if he was addicted to porn...he stopped me to say "I'm not that guy!" He was so calm, so quiet, almost as if he was waiting for my evidence before he would confirm my fears. He asked me if I trusted him...I couldn't answer. I told him I KNEW something was going on. He surprised me when he came back and asked "Yeah those things are horrible, huh?" I used that question to let him know that none of them were issues that we couldn't get through together. He didn't admit anything. I counted it as Round 1 and rolled over to go to sleep. He attempted to hold me...but it was so pushed that he backed away and went to shower. It's like he's afraid to touch me.

nothinforya's picture

Yeah, my BF denied it, too. Then I found the condoms in the trunk, and figured out the online account he used to meet up with guys. I made a fake profile pretending to be a gay guy, and he hit on it. He was very surprised when I showed up to his "date".

Never underestimate the ability of a con man to con you.