moped issue revisited-how do we make this work?
In a previous blog I talked about how ss15-after approximately 8 months of not speaking to dh-and after saying some really nasty things to him-calls him up and asks him to buy him a moped. Dh said no, he wouldn't buy one, but hey we've got an extra one right here. Dh and I talked about it some and he essentially said he felt like ss called only because he wanted something (well duh)and then he proceeded to talk about where we were going to sell our extra moped (which was the original deal between dh and I anyway).
So I think all is right in the world. Until Saturday-on our date-ss calls again. Dh, whom I will give credit, didn't pick up but did apparently listen to the message-which was something about wanting to see when he could get that moped. So then this starts another intense conversation in which dh decided he should give the moped to ss. He is trying to be a good Christian and is getting very involved in our Church and feels he needs to be accountable and responsible for ss15. Well, ok, I'm not really arguing the whole taking responsibility thing but I believe the way to do that does not involve in buying this kid a 1000.00 gift. Dh offers multiple scenarios such as how about let ss come over and do yard work to pay off the moped? What the heck, dh? We just had the discussion last week in which I tell you I feel victimized and traumatized by this kid and I feel he has victimized the other innocent kids in the household. And now, you think he should come to our home and do yard work? I very bluntly told him that even seeing a pic of ss turns my stomach. I tried to tell him that I was not trying to be mean-this is not a parenting issue or that I just don't like ss but that I feel myself sexually violated by him and I feel he has sexually violated my children.
Dh dropped it again. But ss called yesterday because he had court. Then mil called after court. I don't even understand why. They didn't call him when ss committed the offense-mil literally told him 3 months later, my ss told him 6 months later-they didn't tell him when he was placed on probation, nor did they tell him when he got in a fight while doing community service, but NOW they want him to know that they have violated his probation and he needs to get an attorney. So Im guessing that was a request for money.
Here's my question. Dh and I obviously have very different goals. I would like to keep ss as far away from me and mine as possible. If possible I would like him to pay for what he has done to my daughter. I realize that he probably never will. Dh I am sure has different goals-i'm sure he would like to have some sort of relationship with the kid in some way, he'd like to try and exert some positive influence over him, see him turn his life around, blah, blah, blah. I get it. I'm not even arguing with his desire for all that. I think its normal. BUT how do we resolve our very different goals? Can we live peaceably while having such different goals where this kid is concerned? Is is possible?