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moped issue revisited-how do we make this work?

hismineandours's picture

In a previous blog I talked about how ss15-after approximately 8 months of not speaking to dh-and after saying some really nasty things to him-calls him up and asks him to buy him a moped. Dh said no, he wouldn't buy one, but hey we've got an extra one right here. Dh and I talked about it some and he essentially said he felt like ss called only because he wanted something (well duh)and then he proceeded to talk about where we were going to sell our extra moped (which was the original deal between dh and I anyway).

So I think all is right in the world. Until Saturday-on our date-ss calls again. Dh, whom I will give credit, didn't pick up but did apparently listen to the message-which was something about wanting to see when he could get that moped. So then this starts another intense conversation in which dh decided he should give the moped to ss. He is trying to be a good Christian and is getting very involved in our Church and feels he needs to be accountable and responsible for ss15. Well, ok, I'm not really arguing the whole taking responsibility thing but I believe the way to do that does not involve in buying this kid a 1000.00 gift. Dh offers multiple scenarios such as how about let ss come over and do yard work to pay off the moped? What the heck, dh? We just had the discussion last week in which I tell you I feel victimized and traumatized by this kid and I feel he has victimized the other innocent kids in the household. And now, you think he should come to our home and do yard work? I very bluntly told him that even seeing a pic of ss turns my stomach. I tried to tell him that I was not trying to be mean-this is not a parenting issue or that I just don't like ss but that I feel myself sexually violated by him and I feel he has sexually violated my children.

Dh dropped it again. But ss called yesterday because he had court. Then mil called after court. I don't even understand why. They didn't call him when ss committed the offense-mil literally told him 3 months later, my ss told him 6 months later-they didn't tell him when he was placed on probation, nor did they tell him when he got in a fight while doing community service, but NOW they want him to know that they have violated his probation and he needs to get an attorney. So Im guessing that was a request for money.

Here's my question. Dh and I obviously have very different goals. I would like to keep ss as far away from me and mine as possible. If possible I would like him to pay for what he has done to my daughter. I realize that he probably never will. Dh I am sure has different goals-i'm sure he would like to have some sort of relationship with the kid in some way, he'd like to try and exert some positive influence over him, see him turn his life around, blah, blah, blah. I get it. I'm not even arguing with his desire for all that. I think its normal. BUT how do we resolve our very different goals? Can we live peaceably while having such different goals where this kid is concerned? Is is possible?


hismineandours's picture

My ss15 has habitually stolen my panties, both clean and dirty since age 5. The last time was when he resided with us for 4 months last year. When he was 10, he took them to school and showed them to classmates. In addition, this past year, he also stole my dd15's panties. In addition to that when they were both 11-and we were camping, she woke up twice to find his body pressed against hers in the tent. They were not sleeping by each other when they went to sleep-he crawled over 2 other kids to get to her. There are tons and tons of smaller creepier things-such as him staring at my dd15 all the time, him walking in on me repeatedly in the bathroom, my bedroom, when I was half dressed. He also stole my ds14's underwear multiple multiple times in the 4 months that he lived here last year despite having a ton of his own. Since he has moved out I have also heard that he recently showed his penis to his cousins who are aged 10-16.

I do agree that my dh should honor our agreement irregardless of anything that was going on with ss.

SS will not apologize for any of his behaviors as he really sees nothing wrong for them.

oldone's picture

You MUST not allow this young man in your home EVER. Keep him away from you, your children and your money.

He's not a 5 year old. He's bad news - big time bad news.

IF your DH wants to maintain a relationship with him he must not allow him any access to the rest of you. And he'd have to be an idiot to reward this criminal pervert with any kind of gifts.

He can love this boy as a Christian but the best thing he can do for him is to guide him to a better path in life. But he cannot force this almost adult young man to be a good person. Your SS could easily end up in jail and/or labeled as a sexual predatory for life. The choices that SS makes will determine his future - not how many gifts are given to him.

hismineandours's picture

Thankfully my dh does seem to understand that no visits will be in the home. Of course he has not really had a "visit" with ss for a year now-the last being in a public place which is ok with me. But ss15 has not really pushed the issue. In fact, he's made it quite simple for me by refusing to have anything to do with dh. I know that dh has a sense that the kid is using him, but still feels compelled, I believe to try and ease his guilty conscience by giving him things. Dh admitted to this himself that it was in part to make himself feel better. I was able to suggest some other ways that he could get involved-such as calling his current counselor-checking on progress-sharing concerns-even possibly offering to attend a session. Or contacting the school and asking to have his name be put back down as guardian (as he is indeed the legal guardian) so that all school correspondence comes through him first, maintaining regular phone contact with him,etc

One of the things dh said to me that was super strange during this discussion is, "everyone in the Church thinks I should take responsibility for him". I'm like, what? Wait a minute. Are you saying you've shared all the details of our situation with the folks in the Church and this is the advice they gave you? He then backed up and said he felt that a good Christian WOULD take responsibility for his child. I agreed with him, but again reiterated that giving him a moped does not equal taking responsibility for him and that if he wanted to try and have a relationship with him that was up to him but he needed to at least be "real" with the kid and stop avoiding issues and tiptoeing around him.

I think dh tends to sugarcoat the issues with ss-leaves stuff out to himself when thinking about it and ends up reducing it to...SS just acts like a punk. Well, yes, he does but there is so much more going on here-that nobody will address. The sexual issues are huge. I think it is a strong possibility that the kid was molested himself at some point. But that's never gonna get addressed if no one ever talks about this stuff and he will likely go on to victimize others.

hismineandours's picture

Oh I agree-I don't even know if he actually talked about any of it with the people at Church-but rather maybe just a discussion of parenting in general occurred. If you have an average, normal situation then yes, you do all sorts of things for your kids which could include purchasing a moped-but I think that's where dh gets hung up-this is not your average, normal situation. SS's choices are what has made it an abnormal situation-dh's and bm's lack of response to problems have also contributed to this situation.

If dh wants to have some involvement with this kid, then for goodness sakes-get the kid some help-call his current therapist and tell him all this history-which none I am positive has been shared thus far.