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Parenting is hard... or ... lying

Hereitgoesagain's picture

My husband and I have provided a phone for my SD for the last several years. But suddenly (I’m assuming after a large paycheck) BM and SF (Napoleon) got her a second phone without telling us or providing us the phone number. I know this due to data usage etc. My question is do we say anything to SD11? I know she has been told to keep it a secret because when asked she has lied.  My issue isn’t with the phone it is the lying. And then last night I get a text from Napoleon telling me I am only allowed to text SD and will be removed from her instagram etc. to refresh your memory I have been around for 10 years... this guy 2.5. So needless to say I’m fuming about that. Any parenting advice is appreciated. I just don’t want this kid to develop the habit of lying on behalf of her mother. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Well, as to the lying, that's DH's job to address.  He should sit her down and let her know he figured out she has another phone, and let her know that he understands that she feels pressure to lie, but that's it's not OK, and she doesn't have to lie just because BM asked her to.

As for Napoleon, ignore him. Flat out ignore, no response.

CLove's picture

SD11 needs to know that lying is not ok, and this is a great example! DH needs to communicate with her - consider it a teaching moment.

Ignore Napoleon. How dare he issue edicts to you - only the bio parents can do that, he has no say so at all. He is the step-aside.

WalkOnBy's picture

If she has a second phone, cut off the first one.  No sense in paying for two, right?

As for Napoleon, put that tiny dancer on ignore.  

Iamwoman's picture

^^This.

SD has opted into this scheme. She should not be the only winner with 2 phones. Disconnect the one you bought for her.

If she protests, tell her that having two phones is silly. Lying about phones is silly. The whole scenario is silly. You have fixed what you can from your end. If BM and Napoleon have a problem with it, they can fix their own problems too.

As far as texting only, Napoleon can go suck a big one. Nobody gets to tell you when and how you can interact with your kid as long as the kid is receptive. If Napoleon doesn’t like that, then he shouldn’t have participated in these silly phone games.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I really feel for the child in this case. As you pointed out she will lie because she was told to.

I honestly don’t know how I would approach it. You can’t do anything about BM giving the child a phone and preventing you guys from contacting her through it as long as she maintains another way for you to communicate with the child.

You could cut off the phone you gave her if you feel it’s not being used. MAYBE BM would “allow” you to contact the girl through the new phone or else she would have to make her accessible some other way.

Honestly I would worry about the phone you gave her since it’s the only thing you can control. As long as she continues to follow your rules that’s the best you can do.

advice.only2's picture

We had a similar situation, Meth Mouth went out and got SD a new phone and plan after we shut SD's phone down to nothing since she was sending and uploading naked photos.

We just shut off the phone line we had for her and DH asked for her new number, but SD was also 17 at the time.

DH should talk to SD and let her know that since she now has this new phone he would like to shut off her old one, and could he please have her new number so he can keep in touch with her.

As for Douche Canoe he can kick rocks, just be prepared they might just block you on her account regardless.

strugglingSM's picture

My SSs have been taught to lie to get what they want. It drives me crazy, but I won't change their behavior, because BM uses the same tactic. She actively tells them to keep secrets from DH and then tells them lies that she passes off as "secrets" about DH. One example, SS said, "Dad, I know secrets about you, mom told me how you caused the divorce." Um, ok, too bad BM filed for divorce after she met her current SO. Also, too bad the truth is that DH and BM never should have gotten married in the first place, so the thing that really caused the divorce was their getting married. DH wanted to be married because MIL told him at his age (25 at the time he got engaged)), he should be married. BM probably thought DH was the only person who would ever agree to marry her. How she managed to find anyone else is beyond me...but I think her current SO is a con artist who is taking advantage of her, so that might be why. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Ugh, I am in the same position right now! Crazy dropped lunch off (Lunchables...) for skids a few weeks ago, 2 days in a row. They have plenty of food at our house to bring for lunch, with healthy options, and she brings them crap. Both days, SS12 lied to me about it. The first day he told me he didn't eat the leftovers he was supposed to have for lunch because he "forgot them, and just ate a little lunch". The next day as he was walking out the door without a lunch, I asked him about it and he said, he forgot to pack one, and then ran and grabbed a few random things (like a fruit cup and granola bar), and said that would be enough food for him. Well he knew that Crazy was bringing him lunch, but he lied. I mentioned it to my SO, and he said he wasn't going to say anything to him because he wasn't going to put him in the position of feeling like he needs to choose a side. I get his point, but then all lying is excused when it comes to Crazy? I think that is setting a terrible precedent. This isn't the first time it has happened, either.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I don't like excusing lying.

 

ndc's picture

The more they lie (especially without consequence) the easier it becomes.  I think what Tog Redux suggested is a good approach for your husband to take.  He should definitely address it.

notasm3's picture

Look the kid in the eye and inform them that people who lie are just pieces of sh*t.  And if they choose to be liars then they will never be decent human beings.

advice.only2's picture

I about peed myself laughing, could you imagine if a Disney dad actually did this with one of their precious snowflakes???

secret's picture

I did it this morning.

Ss full out lied about something, said my dh said something which I know he didn't, because dh wasn't around... And what he lied about would have caused friction between dh and I, which I think was the point.

Smart little sh!t.

When dh came back, I told him in front of ss... Ss tried denying it... I tricked ss into slipping up then called him out and told him I wasn't going to play his games, and that liars are disgusting, I don't want liars in my family, and I don't want them in my house.

Ss looked nervous... I told dh to address it, because if I addressed it, dh wouldn't like it.