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Update on SD19 moving in...husband always to her rescue

Happycamper's picture

SD had asked DH to move in with us this summer. I told him that was a bad idea.I told DH my feelings on everything. I have never been allowed to "parent" the skids when they are over...down to asking them to pick up a dish so I know this would be bad. SD19 does NOT like to work. She is a lazy child.  He sort of "tabled" it for now. I literally haven't even been around SD19 until this weekend. We picked her up to hand out with us. It ended up being a disaster for me. First of all, we are hoping to move in the near future to another state. SD mentions when she finishes school, she will apply for jobs where we are moving. WHAT? This was news to me. I just kept my mouth shut.  She has a part time job where she may work 3 days a week. The kid hates to work. Last summer she quit her job to enjoy her summer. She tells us that she's going to cut back her hours to enjoy her summer. I chimed in and said that she needs to work as many hours as she can and bank her money for school and expenses. She says that she makes enough money. After we drop her off, DH lights into me.  We have a knock down drag out fight because I said that to her. He said she immediately became disengaged and looked at the window. I'm sorry that she didn't like what I had to say about reality!!! She definitely isn't coming to live with me and not work and us pay her bills while she lays around! I told DH she can never move in with us because she would be the end of our marriage. He responds with I can't say she can never move in.  Really??? He then critiques me. I always get critiqued with how I conversate with the kids. He said I "drilled" her because I asked her what courses what was taking next semester. He doesn't ask any school questions. He basically stays out of the way of conversations like that. I don't find that drillig, I thought I was showing interest in what she was doing. Anyway, I always have to walk on egg shells around the skids and I'm so very over it. At this point I could care less if I spent another minute with them because I'm constantly being judged and it's just not right. This second marriage crap is hard!

Comments

futurobrillante99's picture

Stand your ground: No skids living with you and disengage. You don't want to play happy family - you don't want to hang out with SD19, and no, she's never living with us. Don't like it, DH, get your own place with SD.

These a-hole men.

Happycamper's picture

I think I'm pretty disengaged. The only time I do anything with SD is if DH invites me and it's not very often. He sees her weekly for dinner without me. DH always throws it up in my face too. During this fight, he basically called me a bad step mom because I don't do anything with the skids. I don't go pick them up to just go shopping or have their nails done. The skids care less about me. They have shown that many, many times. I was laid up not too long ago from a bad accident and not once did I get a call or even a get well text, but wait, let me go spend the day and a bunch of money on them! I won't even be able to talk because something would get thrown back up in my face. 

hereiam's picture

Haha! So, you are a bad step mom but they are just wonderful step kids! Your husband is a tool.

Happycamper's picture

Exactly!!! In his eyes they NEVER do anything wrong! He says they are perfect and don't need to be told anything. He says They've always been "perfect" kids. lol

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, Hon,

You've stated,

~  I was laid up not too long ago from a bad accident and not once did I get a call or even a get well text, but wait, let me go spend the day and a bunch of money on them! ~

When my DH was in hospital, undergoing a triple bypass, my SS (married with 2 young children) drove 200 miles round-trip to cut the grass, do yard work etc. He phoned me every day while DH was hospitalized, to ensure that I was okay.  How hurtful, to have stepkids so uncaring that they would neglect to lend even a minimim of support after your serious accident!

I do a lot for my SS and SD but it's reciprocal. Your husband is good at ignoring facts if he expects you to sacrifice yourself for those who care less than nothing for you. Surely, the man is old enough to realize that you get what you give?

Happycamper's picture

You would think but he totally has blinders on when it comes to the skids...especially SD19. She is his favorite. And I can say this because she's the one he talks to every day and talks about constantly. I started out doing SO much for the skids. I even bought our darn house with enough room for them to come pick out their rooms. I always had activities or little gifts for them. We always took them to do fun things, etc. Well now that they are older, I'm done with the no reciprocation. I'm done with SD19 refusing to say hello to me when I talk to her when DH isn't in the room. She acts one way in front of him and another way when he's not in the room. I refuse to play that game anymore. I used to drive her to her practices when no one else could and she would sit and refuses to talk to me in the car. So...no. I don't want to spend my day off taking her shopping or paying for her nails to get done. I'm sorry. Go hand with mommy or daddy and I will take my day off to recoop for the week and not add more anxiety on myself worrying if DH will think I didn't say the right things to SD. As far as when I was in the hospital, I called to let my kids know, so he immediately calls SD19 to tell her. You would think he would notice these things. I did point out to him a couple months later how she never even texted and asked how I was. He tries to protect her. He would rather lie and say she asked about you. I know that's a lie because I had surgery two years ago and the same thing happened. When I mentioned she never texted I got a text the next day. He acted like she was so concerned. Yes, I looked at his phone and saw the text message telling her she needed to text me and check on me.  He'd rather lie to me than admit she isn't a perfect child.

always_anxious's picture

Will be right. I empathize with you and this story a lot. Even if he invites you, you should just say you have plans. He's torn between the rescue and keep you happy and he's not thinking realistically about what a pain the ass having you all under one roof will be. I can only speak for myself, but IF SO ever said SD had to live with us, I already had a plan to move on my own and he can live with her. We can still be a couple, but live separately. For my own sanity its the only way. Not saying it would be your way, but just a thought. I've pretty much made my stance, she'll never live with us and he knows it won't happen. 

I'm struggling now with SS living with us right now. So, I can tell you its only going to make your relationship more difficult when she moves in. She sounds like she has no life or friends wanting to follow her parents around. You don't need that. 

Happycamper's picture

You get everything I say and even what I don't say! Yes, I know everything that I do will be wrong. At this point, I should be able to ask a skid to do a chore or something. Also, SH19 has absolutely NO friends whatsover!!! That's why she wants to follow daddy around. With daddy, he is her biggest cheerleader. She says things like, dad, there aren't any guys out there like you! Sometimes I wonder if she's in love or infatuated with DH. It's just plain gross. Yes, she's the 19 year old that still sits in daddy's lap! No, I wouldn't be happy at all if she lived with us.

thinkthrice's picture

"Dad there aren't any guys out there who would be willing to reproduce your emotional incest with me."

Bad  

Bad  

Bad

always_anxious's picture

Yes. I get it and I lived it. The ONLY thing that will break this is your DH changing his behavior towards her. Nothing else. You have no way to control or change it or make him see. What finally did it for my SO was when she freaked out at work and we found out she was on a lot of drugs. He despises that behavior. So it was easier after that to not deal with her. Her mom wouldn't take care of her anymore and no way she was coming to us, so she moved to SO's moms 10 hours away. 

The only thing you can do is wait for your DH to see the reality. I'm really sorry. Its tough to watch. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You've got one of those spouses who likes to play Happy Family. It's all about pretending everything is wonderful and sweeping all issues under the rug. My H's family is like this, too. His mother was an alcoholic, and he and his siblings all have the engrained habit of keeping up a happy facade and never, ever addressing anything unpleasant.

It's pretty common for these noncustodial daddies to be thrilled when their kids say, "I want to live with yoouu, Daaddee!" and the last thing they want is someone destroying their fantasy with pesky facts, logic or rules. While you foresee trouble with a spoilt adult who's resisting launching, he sees a second chance to live in blissful heaven with his perfect angel. Riiiiight.

If I recall correctly, you've allowed your delusional H to steamroll you quite a bit. Please take a stand for your marriage and don't let your SD (or any other adult) move in. Just say No, because any promises, rules, or expectations are going to go right out the window as soon as your H is faced with having to parent. You'll be the bad guy and an outsider in your own home.

Go to marriage counseling, stat! Lay it all out; that you don't agree to this, that your H has made these plans without your consent, and that you feel it would be detrimental to your marriage. Draw up a list of questions, and drill down on him to show how little thought he's put into this scheme. Curfew? How much rent will SD be paying? What contributions to the household will she be expected to make?How will she pay for school? What consequences will be imposed if she proves to be a bad roommate?  Make this your hill to die on.

Harry's picture

 I agree this is a hill to died on.  It will be two against one.  Exjuliemccoy is right, do marriage counseling, get everything in down on paper, So there no rewriting history.  What SD is going to do, money for rent ect and what happens if she does not live up to her part.  If your DH puts his DD before you, you don’t have much of a marriage to start with.  Your SD has two parents and you are not one of them. 

ITB2012's picture

DH is super picky about how I interact (or don't interact) with the skids.

We just had a large "conversation" about that because he's upset I don't have a better relationship with them. Well, I'm never allowed to say or do anything that isn't giltter and rainbows and unicorns. If I ever say anything there's always a reason the skid or even DH could break the rule/forget the chore/be snotty (pick any non-acceptable thing, even a thing that DH dictated), but my kid can't ever be excused. Every comment, even something meant and voiced neutrally, is taken as a criticism of him, his prodgeny, and his parenting.

Now, I don't have a bad relationship with my kids but it's not the "happy family" relationship he wants. But I can't have my own relationship with them, I have to have the one he wants me to have with them. Since I barely talk to them anymore he doesn't get to jump in a re-message me anymore so that's better. But he's upset I don't talk to them. Well, he's gonna be upset if I say anything or if I stay mute and staying mute is just him upset about that, without picking apart what I said.

Happycamper's picture

Now, I don't have a bad relationship with my kids but it's not the "happy family" relationship he wants. But I can't have my own relationship with them, I have to have the one he wants me to have with them.

 

WOW!!!  Our lives sound so much alike!!!  You get tired of trying to have conversations or interact when after they leave, you get sat down and basically critiqued. My hubby is the glitter unicorn dad with his kids.  Butter would melt in his mouth when talking to them. Rather than say pick up your dishes, he will wait on them hand and foot. There's no rule that we have to be exactly like our DH's!!! 

ITB2012's picture

My DH used to literally wait on them for meals. They were 8 and 10 when we got married and couldn't pour their own cereal or milk and had never eaten a whole apple. Nothing was placed so they could take care of things themselves, either.

I like my skids but I'm not gonna live with them forever rent-free and watch DH fawn over them, that would be a marriage breaker. One graduates HS this year and the other has two more years.

Last week I sat my OSS down and had a conversation with him about our lack of relationship. I stated that though it's not bad, I wish it were closer and better. But, when we first got married his mom was very anxious about how things would change (he acknowledged that). I also said that DH was anxious as well, and it was hard for me to navigate what DH expected, what I expected, and the bumps in DH and BMs parenting relationship, I didn't do a good job set boundaries on who I am and how I interact, and that I was sorry that I hadn't figured it out so it wasn't such an awkward number of years for he and I (OSS and me). I didn't throw DH and BM under the bus, I stated facts about their behaviors in a gentle but firm manner.

Since DS is close to my skids (they are all about the same age) and I'm positive they talk, I know OSS and YSS know that I believe they are more capable and can be allowed and held to more priveleges and responsibilties.

It seemed to have helped. OSS has been more at-ease with me.

thinkthrice's picture

Chef would wait on them at meals, pour milk on their cereal, cut up their food and treat them like babies.  He thought this was good parenting and would get pissed at me for suggesting they learn to do this stuff for themselves.

"I love waiting on my kids!"

Bad

shamds's picture

pathetic and an embarrassment. So he thinks if he keeps saying and reminding himself his kids are perfect with no flaws that he’ll truly believe it.

heck 3.5 yrs after marrying hubby he believed his 19.5 yr old son had matured and gotten better eith his behaviour. I asked sarcastically “really? How? Because he still ignored me and our 2 kids (his half siblings), intentionally acts like we don’t exist, freeloads off daddys generosity getting a free home to live in (bedroom/bathroom), dumps his trash on kitchen floor, answers back with excuses for everything, doesn’t take responsibility, we are out at dinner while i’m giving my newborn daughter a bottle while hubby and ss eats and i’ve just started eating and ss starts shouting “come on lets go home i’m done!!” Hubby looks at ss then me then ss and says stepmum is still eating can’t you see. Ss rolled his eyes at the ceiling pretending he didn’t notice but yes he’s allowed to disappear at dinner out for ages and we’re expected to sit and wait for ages for him with patience... when i put that in perspective, of course hubby couldn’t answer back