You are here

Update on SD19 moving in...husband always to her rescue

Happycamper's picture

SD had asked DH to move in with us this summer. I told him that was a bad idea.I told DH my feelings on everything. I have never been allowed to "parent" the skids when they are over...down to asking them to pick up a dish so I know this would be bad. SD19 does NOT like to work. She is a lazy child.  He sort of "tabled" it for now. I literally haven't even been around SD19 until this weekend. We picked her up to hand out with us. It ended up being a disaster for me. First of all, we are hoping to move in the near future to another state. SD mentions when she finishes school, she will apply for jobs where we are moving. WHAT? This was news to me. I just kept my mouth shut.  She has a part time job where she may work 3 days a week. The kid hates to work. Last summer she quit her job to enjoy her summer. She tells us that she's going to cut back her hours to enjoy her summer. I chimed in and said that she needs to work as many hours as she can and bank her money for school and expenses. She says that she makes enough money. After we drop her off, DH lights into me.  We have a knock down drag out fight because I said that to her. He said she immediately became disengaged and looked at the window. I'm sorry that she didn't like what I had to say about reality!!! She definitely isn't coming to live with me and not work and us pay her bills while she lays around! I told DH she can never move in with us because she would be the end of our marriage. He responds with I can't say she can never move in.  Really??? He then critiques me. I always get critiqued with how I conversate with the kids. He said I "drilled" her because I asked her what courses what was taking next semester. He doesn't ask any school questions. He basically stays out of the way of conversations like that. I don't find that drillig, I thought I was showing interest in what she was doing. Anyway, I always have to walk on egg shells around the skids and I'm so very over it. At this point I could care less if I spent another minute with them because I'm constantly being judged and it's just not right. This second marriage crap is hard!

Comments

always_anxious's picture

Will be right. I empathize with you and this story a lot. Even if he invites you, you should just say you have plans. He's torn between the rescue and keep you happy and he's not thinking realistically about what a pain the ass having you all under one roof will be. I can only speak for myself, but IF SO ever said SD had to live with us, I already had a plan to move on my own and he can live with her. We can still be a couple, but live separately. For my own sanity its the only way. Not saying it would be your way, but just a thought. I've pretty much made my stance, she'll never live with us and he knows it won't happen. 

I'm struggling now with SS living with us right now. So, I can tell you its only going to make your relationship more difficult when she moves in. She sounds like she has no life or friends wanting to follow her parents around. You don't need that. 

Happycamper's picture

You get everything I say and even what I don't say! Yes, I know everything that I do will be wrong. At this point, I should be able to ask a skid to do a chore or something. Also, SH19 has absolutely NO friends whatsover!!! That's why she wants to follow daddy around. With daddy, he is her biggest cheerleader. She says things like, dad, there aren't any guys out there like you! Sometimes I wonder if she's in love or infatuated with DH. It's just plain gross. Yes, she's the 19 year old that still sits in daddy's lap! No, I wouldn't be happy at all if she lived with us.

thinkthrice's picture

"Dad there aren't any guys out there who would be willing to reproduce your emotional incest with me."

Bad  

Bad  

Bad

always_anxious's picture

Yes. I get it and I lived it. The ONLY thing that will break this is your DH changing his behavior towards her. Nothing else. You have no way to control or change it or make him see. What finally did it for my SO was when she freaked out at work and we found out she was on a lot of drugs. He despises that behavior. So it was easier after that to not deal with her. Her mom wouldn't take care of her anymore and no way she was coming to us, so she moved to SO's moms 10 hours away. 

The only thing you can do is wait for your DH to see the reality. I'm really sorry. Its tough to watch. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You've got one of those spouses who likes to play Happy Family. It's all about pretending everything is wonderful and sweeping all issues under the rug. My H's family is like this, too. His mother was an alcoholic, and he and his siblings all have the engrained habit of keeping up a happy facade and never, ever addressing anything unpleasant.

It's pretty common for these noncustodial daddies to be thrilled when their kids say, "I want to live with yoouu, Daaddee!" and the last thing they want is someone destroying their fantasy with pesky facts, logic or rules. While you foresee trouble with a spoilt adult who's resisting launching, he sees a second chance to live in blissful heaven with his perfect angel. Riiiiight.

If I recall correctly, you've allowed your delusional H to steamroll you quite a bit. Please take a stand for your marriage and don't let your SD (or any other adult) move in. Just say No, because any promises, rules, or expectations are going to go right out the window as soon as your H is faced with having to parent. You'll be the bad guy and an outsider in your own home.

Go to marriage counseling, stat! Lay it all out; that you don't agree to this, that your H has made these plans without your consent, and that you feel it would be detrimental to your marriage. Draw up a list of questions, and drill down on him to show how little thought he's put into this scheme. Curfew? How much rent will SD be paying? What contributions to the household will she be expected to make?How will she pay for school? What consequences will be imposed if she proves to be a bad roommate?  Make this your hill to die on.

Harry's picture

 I agree this is a hill to died on.  It will be two against one.  Exjuliemccoy is right, do marriage counseling, get everything in down on paper, So there no rewriting history.  What SD is going to do, money for rent ect and what happens if she does not live up to her part.  If your DH puts his DD before you, you don’t have much of a marriage to start with.  Your SD has two parents and you are not one of them. 

ITB2012's picture

DH is super picky about how I interact (or don't interact) with the skids.

We just had a large "conversation" about that because he's upset I don't have a better relationship with them. Well, I'm never allowed to say or do anything that isn't giltter and rainbows and unicorns. If I ever say anything there's always a reason the skid or even DH could break the rule/forget the chore/be snotty (pick any non-acceptable thing, even a thing that DH dictated), but my kid can't ever be excused. Every comment, even something meant and voiced neutrally, is taken as a criticism of him, his prodgeny, and his parenting.

Now, I don't have a bad relationship with my kids but it's not the "happy family" relationship he wants. But I can't have my own relationship with them, I have to have the one he wants me to have with them. Since I barely talk to them anymore he doesn't get to jump in a re-message me anymore so that's better. But he's upset I don't talk to them. Well, he's gonna be upset if I say anything or if I stay mute and staying mute is just him upset about that, without picking apart what I said.

Happycamper's picture

Now, I don't have a bad relationship with my kids but it's not the "happy family" relationship he wants. But I can't have my own relationship with them, I have to have the one he wants me to have with them.

 

WOW!!!  Our lives sound so much alike!!!  You get tired of trying to have conversations or interact when after they leave, you get sat down and basically critiqued. My hubby is the glitter unicorn dad with his kids.  Butter would melt in his mouth when talking to them. Rather than say pick up your dishes, he will wait on them hand and foot. There's no rule that we have to be exactly like our DH's!!! 

ITB2012's picture

My DH used to literally wait on them for meals. They were 8 and 10 when we got married and couldn't pour their own cereal or milk and had never eaten a whole apple. Nothing was placed so they could take care of things themselves, either.

I like my skids but I'm not gonna live with them forever rent-free and watch DH fawn over them, that would be a marriage breaker. One graduates HS this year and the other has two more years.

Last week I sat my OSS down and had a conversation with him about our lack of relationship. I stated that though it's not bad, I wish it were closer and better. But, when we first got married his mom was very anxious about how things would change (he acknowledged that). I also said that DH was anxious as well, and it was hard for me to navigate what DH expected, what I expected, and the bumps in DH and BMs parenting relationship, I didn't do a good job set boundaries on who I am and how I interact, and that I was sorry that I hadn't figured it out so it wasn't such an awkward number of years for he and I (OSS and me). I didn't throw DH and BM under the bus, I stated facts about their behaviors in a gentle but firm manner.

Since DS is close to my skids (they are all about the same age) and I'm positive they talk, I know OSS and YSS know that I believe they are more capable and can be allowed and held to more priveleges and responsibilties.

It seemed to have helped. OSS has been more at-ease with me.

thinkthrice's picture

Chef would wait on them at meals, pour milk on their cereal, cut up their food and treat them like babies.  He thought this was good parenting and would get pissed at me for suggesting they learn to do this stuff for themselves.

"I love waiting on my kids!"

Bad

shamds's picture

pathetic and an embarrassment. So he thinks if he keeps saying and reminding himself his kids are perfect with no flaws that he’ll truly believe it.

heck 3.5 yrs after marrying hubby he believed his 19.5 yr old son had matured and gotten better eith his behaviour. I asked sarcastically “really? How? Because he still ignored me and our 2 kids (his half siblings), intentionally acts like we don’t exist, freeloads off daddys generosity getting a free home to live in (bedroom/bathroom), dumps his trash on kitchen floor, answers back with excuses for everything, doesn’t take responsibility, we are out at dinner while i’m giving my newborn daughter a bottle while hubby and ss eats and i’ve just started eating and ss starts shouting “come on lets go home i’m done!!” Hubby looks at ss then me then ss and says stepmum is still eating can’t you see. Ss rolled his eyes at the ceiling pretending he didn’t notice but yes he’s allowed to disappear at dinner out for ages and we’re expected to sit and wait for ages for him with patience... when i put that in perspective, of course hubby couldn’t answer back