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Let them eat cake! (lengthy)

GoldenGoose's picture

There is no love lost between my MIL and myself.  Initially, when DH and I got together, I was so anxious to have a good rapport with her, my BIL and SIL.  I put myself out there and visited her often in order to establish a good relationship.  I volunteered to help drive her 2.5 hours back and forth to her brother's house a few times per year, among a few other things that I really didn't have to do.  On one of our trips, she decided that it was time to have "the talk" with me.  My DH was in the other car, so he had no idea that MIL was about to set down the parameters of her relationship with BM#1.  

She explained that she had a friendly relationship with BM#1 and that this should not effect my relationship with her.  She considered her like a daughter.  (as background, I have met BM#1 .  She is okay. She drinks a little too much... She is a little bit of a wing nut, but doesn't really effect my world.  Her DD, my SD, is 30.  My MIL helped raise SD30, so therein lies the problem.) My MIL had this same "talk" with the troll(BM#2), but apparently, it did not go over very well.  I can understand why it would not.  I just kind of shrugged it off and felt that MIL was disappointed that her "talk" with me had a a less than desirable impact.

  So, fast forward 4 years...  It has been a while since MIL and BM#1 have gotten together.  Although if  I believed BM#1, I would think that they talk every day.  I don't give a rat's rear if they got together every day or once a year, but why lie and make it seem more than what it is.  I am guessing that BM#1 is being a little territorial with MIL (and vice versa) and wants me to understand my place in the pecking order... Okay....  Peck away.  You can have her. 

Last week, on FB (yes, FB is the root of all evil) BM#1 posts a gushy post about getting together with MIL, SIL and BIL.  The thread turns into an online love fest between BM#1, BIL and SIL. LOL. The funny part is, I don't care in the way that BM#1 thinks that I should care.  I just think it is pathetic that it had to be posted in the first place.  No one else would care.  So, I know it is posted for my benefit.  (ok, I get it.  I am not my MILs favorite.  She pretty much considers BM1, here DIL still.) 

I usually don't get caught up in the antics, but since this was posted for my benefit and since my MIL has opted to put out the red carpet for BM#1, I have decided that BM1, BIL and SIL should take a much more active role with my MIL (yes, I am going to be passive-aggressive).  MIL barely even gets her hair brushed, when we come to visit, but by the sound of their visit, there was practically a bountiful feast/love-in! LOL!  My DH and I are generally not worth her effort. So noted....

So, my MIL has her yearly trip planned to see her brother.  She likes her car to be driven there so that she may have the option of using it while she is there, for 3 weeks.  She cannot drive that 2.5 hour drive, by herself.  So, two people must go with her: one to drive her car, another to drive the driver of MIL,  back home.  Typically, I have helped do this.  Not this year.  I have decided that I am going to be busy.  Well,  I have a legitimate excuse for not driving her in a few weeks, but no excuse for when she wants to come home on July 14th, or do I?  There is nothing special going on that weekend and I don't have my kids because they are with their father. Ugh.....

  While downloading to my mom, she asked what date MIL wanted to come back home.  I told her , July 14th.  My mom has a knack for dates.  So, she immediately says, "you know, that is Bastille Day."  ok... How am I going to make a viable excuse for not trekking out to get MIL, because it is Bastille Day?  Well, I guess that is the point.  I  am not impacted by this day in anyway.  So, why not?  I shall pull out my passive-aggressive knickers and use the excuse of an insignificant "holiday" to be too busy to get MIL. I am "going to celebrate Bastille Day." I can't go....  So, I told my DH that he needs to call BIL and SIL and let them know that I cannot help them this year, I am too busy.  I have cake to eat, fireworks to set off LOL This 223 year old holiday is suddenly VERY important to me ;). My DH is in full support of my decision.  I bet he wishes that he could use Bastille Day too, as an excuse.  He could.  But, he won't.

Am I looking for the ILs to come to me on bended knee and treat me the same as BM#1? nope.  Do I feel that it is sour grapes on my part? Nope.  I just want everyone to be honest about our relationship.  I am not a jealous or territorial person, by nature.  I am matter-of-fact and I appreciate everyone operating within their boundaries.  They play games with my DH all of the time.  They keep secrets from him, about his daughters.  They have never tried to intervene, on his behalf.  By being silent about the PAS game with the troll (BM#2 and his eldest SD30), I feel that they have sanctioned and allowed the PAS to continue.  They have succumbed to the emotional blackmail of SD30 and SD20, who have held their children away from my DH as some sort of punishment.  The ILs fear that the same will happen to them.  So, instead of calling SDs on bad behavior and being a united front, they say nothing and have demonstrated, to me, that the SD's behavior is acceptable as long as it doesn't happen to them.  Also, the ILs have proven to me, that by many ways (I have only given one example), that  I am only important when it is convenient for them. So, my point in letting them know that I am too "busy celebrating Bastille Day"  instead of putting myself out for MIL, BIL and SIL,  is that they are as insignificant to me as my DH and I are to them.  I AM very useful when they need a favor, but beyond that..... Not so much.  Will they get my message?  I think so... I HOPE so!   

Let them eat cake!



oneoffour's picture

This is the site you need for constant referral ...

I mean on the 10th of this month is the anniversary of Ben Franklin catching electricity wiht a kite and key.(1752) The 10th is also the anniversary of the 1st Dutch immigrants settling on Manhatten Island. (1610) Go for it!

GoldenGoose's picture

I am more of a walker. I will have to see if National Walking Day is coming up!

CSA's picture

You have a SD that is 30 so you are all older, right?

How about this novel idea.

Tell your mother in law how what you feel and say she should ask BM to drive her this time. If BM says no then tell the in laws to do it as you just dont want to this time.

Passive agressive bahavior creates Drama, so unless you crave drama just be honest.

Its that easy...

GoldenGoose's picture

I am 43 and DH is 50. You are right. I should. Actually, my sister told me that I should just tell her to have BM1 drive her. I weighed that option and thought that I would most likely come off snarky. I suppose I just need to come right out and say how I feel.

skatermom's picture

A simple "no, I'm not available" would of worked just as well, in fact it would of been more impactful