SS15 Escalates the Passive Aggression
I didn't think it could get much worse, but his efforts to purposely exclude me are escalating. Yesterday afternoon, when BS18 came home from school, SS15 was all happy and smiley and started a long conversation with him. He always talks to BS when we aren't home; we see everything via the nanny cams. I come home. Nothing. He doesn't say hello, doesn't look in my direction, walks right past me like I'm not even there. DH comes home a little while later. SS is out in the front yard. He smiles, waves, and gives a cheery, "Hiiiiiiii, Dad!" I had already texted DH about the way SS had treated me, so DH walked right past with not a word, not a glance.
Also, I had made SS a scrapbook last year for Christmas. (I don't recommend EVER wasting your time or energy trying to do something thoughtful for a skid. You'll only waste your time. It's pointless.) This scrapbook was full of photos of SS from the time he was a baby. I had put some of his artwork in there, family photos, mementoes from trips we've taken. He loved it, genuinely loved it. He had kept it in his room and looked at it often. I noticed it's now upstairs, crammed into the back of the bookshelf. That hurt a lot. I admit it.
I know this is hurtful for DH. That's his son. He loves him. I get that. And he stands by me because he knows what he needs to do to nurture our marriage. But it's gotta hurt him like hell. And I feel for him. I do. And he knows that if he ever starts defending the shitty behavior SS is exhibiting towards me, I'm out. I lived almost two years in a relationship like that before. I won't do it again. I've been feeling my mortality lately, and life's too damn short to put up with that shit.
I feel bad that we were all once a family not too long ago. Now Faux is gone, and SS15 might as well be. DH said to me, "We're still a family, you, me and BS18. That won't change." But it has to hurt that his own son doesn't want any part of it. I'd be devastated to lose both of my children. Yes, SS15 has been completely poisoned by his mother, but he's old enough to choose better. He's not stupid.
I also agree with DH's decision to make SS keep coming for visitation even though our therapist (who is beyond incredible) disagrees. We don't want to give him the power, the satisfaction. And there's no effing way a penny of our household income is going to fund BM's Burger King and Pabst Blue Ribbon lifestyle. SS would continue to go without even with the $2,000/month we'd have to pay her. I can suck it up for 2 1/2 more years. I can view SS as an unpleasant housemate that I don't have to interact with.
I wish I could have empathy for this kid, but he's destroyed every ounce of positive feeling I had left. I have nothing. I feel nothing for him. I hope for the best for him for DH's sake, but that's it. I personally couldn't care less.
I get that he's pissed because he wishes his mother was like me. But that's not my fault. I shouldn't have to be punished for her failings.
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Comments
Thanks- I needed to hear
Thanks- I needed to hear that. It's hard when I'm the adult and feel I should be the bigger person. The problem is, I HAVE been the bigger person and it's done no good.
Thanks Sally.
Thanks Sally.
I LoVe your DH!!!! I would
I LoVe your DH!!!! I would agree with visitation as well HAD CHEF BEEN LIKE YOUR DH and not a spineless, whimpy guilty daddy who blamed and still does blame everything on ME!
I love him too! And Chef is
I love him too!
And Chef is worthless. Maybe I should send SS15 to him and they can be happily ever after with each other?
EXCELLENT idea. I would
EXCELLENT idea. I would totally make this a SPORT!!!
I think what the idea is that
I think what the idea is that Ghost shouldn't take this personally. It makes it a little more easy to swallow knowing that the BM is behind the PAS/loyalty conflict, but we women usually want to fix things and make them better.
It's a fun way to show SS that his "schemes" via the BM are NOT working, IMHO
No, I've only been in his
No, I've only been in his life since he was 11. Sorry for the confusion. But he loved me and I loved him until very recently.
And yes, it's VERY hard not to take it personally when it is personal. It's very personal as he's choosing to single out only me for his shitty treatment.
I'd love to, really...I could
I'd love to, really...I could have a saga rivaling Draco's with the camping trip from Hell. Alas, I don't know if I could stomach even interacting with him at this time....
I remember YSS as a toddler
I remember YSS as a toddler before the concept of speech set in and before he was old enough to notice non-verbal cues from the Behemoth BM. He was trusting and sweet. He would hold my hand when crossing the street or being escorted around at the store.
It was like a switch that was flipped when he was able to comprehend the Behemoth's verbal and non-verbal cues. Overnight, quite literally, YSS stopped making eye contact, would go out of his way to hang on to Chef, ignored me, walked right past me. This continued for five years until he was almost seven just before he PASed out for good.
"SS, you know when I was your age. . ." is a good starter
or "SS, what do you think about the Ebola situation? Do you cover it much at school?" Let him start to squirm. Looks like you have the FULL and UNCONDITIONAL support from your DH which many of us DON'T have so why not make it your goal to "bring him out of his PAS shell" if not for grins and giggles? When you feel ready and up to the task of course.
You would think but never
You would think but never underestimate the entitlement of the skid who beer bongs the PAS koolaid!
Lady Face - Hahaha, thanks
Lady Face - Hahaha, thanks for correcting that.
I agree. Ghost's situation is different than that of others. What works for one person might not work for her.
I wish I could pull this off!
I wish I could pull this off! But I have too much animosity and resentment right now. Any interaction, even for sport, would be too much.
Lol, this is exactly how I
Lol, this is exactly how I could handle it. But only if it fits your personality.
I agree that DH should be
I agree that DH should be calling him out on every. Little. Thing. Everything. He does call him out on some stuff, but this shit with me needs to be addressed.
Thanks for the responses,
Thanks for the responses, everyone. I'm just feeling so down today. It's horrible being treated like you don't even exist, especially when you've done so much for the person ignoring you. I think I will feel better if I just completely disengage. That's not normally how I roll, but my goal right now is pure self-preservation.
I'll share this post with my DH too, see what he thinks about calling SS out more.
Thanks for your kind words.
Thanks for your kind words.
I'm sorry you've had to go through this shit too. No one deserves this.
I'm hoping to get to the
I'm hoping to get to the point where I can just call him out on his shit. I have before, in fact, not too long ago. But as long as I feel such resentment towards him, it's probably best if there's just no interaction at all. For now, anyway.
LOL! I love mine, though.
LOL! I love mine, though. He'd never even consider treating anyone else the way SS15 treats me.
I think I would have been
I think I would have been happy as a clam if SS would have ignored me like that. lol.
So when SS comes into a room where you are, he just ignores you when you say Hi? Or have you reached the point and neither of you are talking to the other...?
He's to the point now where
He's to the point now where he completely ignores me. He won't even look in my general direction. If I were to say hi, he'd mumble back a half-assed "hi" while looking in the other direction. If that.
Errr....no thanks!!
Errr....no thanks!!
Yeah. It's really too much,
Yeah. It's really too much, isn't it. DH is pretty good but I guess you guys need to accept how it is or change your strategy.
I think your commitment to keep him coming over for his 50% parenting time is right. And no matter what goes on at BM's, you guys have to just pretend that only what happens with you EOW is 'real'.
SS needs to be punished for unacceptable behaviour and rewarded for an 'approximation' of normal behaviour. He doesn't have to hit the mark, he just has to be in the ballpark. The fact that it'll be fake as hell, oh well. Like how you fake it. It's acceptable. Good manners are nicer when they're intended, but if it's just surface, at least there's surface covering the crap underneath.
Every time. Same with the bed-wetting. Every hour, wake him up, bring him to toilet.
Of course it's not really reasonable. What parent can be expected to commit him/herself to the work of raising a toddler for a lifetime? When the kid is normal, just an asshole?
"What parent can be expected
"What parent can be expected to commit him/herself to the work of raising a toddler for a lifetime? When the kid is normal, just an asshole?"
And that's exactly what we're dealing with.
Ghost, my sd15 treats me like
Ghost, my sd15 treats me like this, perhaps a tad worse. If I say hi or anything else, she will pretend she didn't hear it even if I'm 2 inches from her. The thing is, yes, it does hurt. The first time, you're like wtf?! Maybe roll your eyes. But the 2000th time, you just feel a wave of anti-endorphins rush over you. Human beings are social animals -- there is something primal about feeling you don't exist to others. It is painful, deep, physical, and eventually demoralizing and depressing (as in real depression, not just a mood).
Mine has been at it about 2 years now. I understand very well your feeling about not being able to take the advice of getting in the kid's face with absurdist talk. I couldn't do it, either. The resentments and disgust and rage are just too much at this point.
Like you, I also have a supportive DH. She is getting in more and more trouble for doing this to me and has finally turned a corner where she sometimes feels it's not worth the aftermath so acknowledges me in some minimal way. That's about up to about 10%. But it has taken 2 years of full on misery to get even to this point. DH had a lot to learn and I had a lot to learn about him before we could make even this progress. Ha -- the ignoring me was actually a step up from the bold insults and physical attacks she started with so we have climbed out of a deep, deep basement just to get to this place. I resent the girl for so much and dislike her for the ongoing behavior she has demonstrated. I could not bring myself to approach her the way people have suggested. In the very beginning I could have and took a few similar steps on occasion. But that was a looooong time ago in a galaxy where I had not accumulated so many hurts nor seen her hurt my DH and my SS so much.
Just want to chime in here, ghost, to tell you the pain and even a bit of debilitation (inability to act) you are feeling from this failure to acknowledge your existence must be normal because I feel it, too, in the exact same way.
LOl! I'm picturing it too.
LOl! I'm picturing it too. I'm gazing from the sheet, unblinking, saying nothing as he's eating his Honey Bunches of Oats. Making him wonder........... OoooooooOoOOOOOO.......I'm a ghoooooooooost.....!"