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Some Thoughts on a Failed Blended Family

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

As the new year has gotten underway, I've been doing a lot of thinking about where I am , where I'm going, and where I've been. For pensive, sensitive souls like me, that can sometimes lead to melancholy. That's where I am this morning- in a mire of melancholy and feeling sorry for myself. I know it'll pass, but I thought I'd share some thoughts on here, get them out of head (hopefully).

I grew up in a "broken" family. My parents were divorced when I was 7. They're the only couple in my family to have gotten divorced. So, all around me were these "whole" families. Mom, Dad, a couple of kids all related by blood, who have the same name and live in the same house. Nobody has to switch houses every other weekend. Nobody has to miss holidays with one parent. I always, all my life, felt like I was missing out on "normal life."

I got married, had a child, was planning for a second child, when I discovered my now-ex was having a long-term affair with an 18-year-old with two children of her own. We went to counseling once, he refused to break off the relationship when the counselor told him he needed to, I walked out of the session, packed up his shit, and never looked back. All I ever wanted was for my own child to have a "real" family. Nope. Denied. My child, from the age of barely 3, has had to split his time between homes 50/50. He's had to deal with the fallout from a divorce.

Later, I met my now-husband. He is wonderful to my son. He had his two boys 50/50. He was the parent while BM was the Disney Mom. Everything was great while we were dating, then after we got engaged, then even later when we joined households. We blended beautifully. A month before our marriage, BM started the PAS. Within a year, DH's younger son refused visitation. DH made him come anyway, then the CPS visits due to false allegations started. We weathered all the storms that came our way, and they were constant. Within another year, DH's older son made more false allegations (prodded by BM), more CPS investigations ensued, and he refused visitation. Since he was 16, DH couldn't physically make him come to our home, and he refused visits outside the home, so that was that. DH has had no contact with either kid for two years now despite repeated attempts to contact them by phone, email,and Facebook. He continues to try to make contact to this day. Radio silence.

Another chance at a family destroyed.

I know family is what you make it, and the traditional nuclear family isn't so traditional anymore. It's just that it seems like such a simple, basic thing to ask for. A regular old family. Why was I denied that?

Pity party over. I just needed to let that out.

P.S.- Please, no hateful comments. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. I'm in a rough place today and don't need it.

Comments

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I think sometimes we want something and it just doesn't work out that way with no rhyme or reason why it couldn't. If you told me when I was 19 that I'd be where I am now, I'd look at you like you were a crazy person.

Thought I'd be on Wallstreet working as a management consultant, living the career driven life--not landlord/SAHM to two kids, and a husband with baggage.

Sometimes when I'm melancholy, I just go, "Am I happy right now?" Could things be better and more idealistic? Yup. But all in all, I'm happy.

Hugs, it's the road life threw at you and me and we just gotta keep walking forward.

Aniki's picture

Anotherstep, I also could not have children of my own and hoped to become a fully accepted member of a loving family. Nope. My previous SS was wonderful (we're still in contact), but his dad (my exH) was a nightmare of an alcoholic and the BM was, quite literally, a psycho (certified, on meds, and under a doc's care). I now have the man of my dreams, but with a vindictive BM and skids who, more often than not, make it a point to prove I am an outsider.

{{{hugs}}}

Aniki's picture

Family Christmas like my childhood is something I've always dreamed of. Not just gifts under the tree, but the camaraderie and warmth that was first and foremost. Spending hours together because we WANTED to because we enjoyed being together.

This Christmas was sad. DH and I are both broke right now. The skids received a gift bag of goodies from ME. PrincASS and PigPen immediately dragged DH into the living room to see the stupid video games they brought (PrincASS didn't even say Thank You). SD20 stayed in the kitchen with me to talk, which was actually quite nice. But a family-like Christmas? Not even close.

I had a wonderful (s)kid with the exh, but not the man. I now have the man, but not the (s)kid(s).

Gimlet's picture

Oh come on, anotherstep. Certainly we can't hold the BM responsible for cheating, lying, and PASing the kid. Clearly it's the SM's fault.

Gimlet's picture

Of course he should! Because only the dad is responsible for the mental health and welfare of the child, the mom already did her part giving birth! Who cares if all that happened, and if the child isn't even his, he should still lie down in the road and invite BM to keep running him over. BM had every right to lie, poison the child, and make sure that Ghost and her husband paid the price.

Geez!

thinkthrice's picture

OOOHHHMMMMMM MANIPASI OOOHHHHHMMMM OOOOOOHHHHHMMMM MANIPASI OOOOHHHMMMM

(sound of shel shel worshipping at the skid altar)

As useful as a cayenne suppository

Gimlet's picture

As useful as a cayenne suppository

I have to stop eating lunch and reading this site.

2badsosad's picture

Clearly you have zero experience with PAS. How is it her fault exactly?

bearcub25's picture

Nope. Of course, I have heard of it. Honestly only watch sports and survivor, outdoor type of shows and old shows.

I just haven't been able to get into any newer comedies. I feel it has all BTDT.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Or things you never thought would bother you but does.

Both times when I found out I was pregnant, I prayed so hard not to have a boy even though when I was young, I wanted one of each really badly. That was my ideal. But then I didn't want my son, had I had one, to be subjected to accusations that because of his existence, that is why DH doesn't have a relationship with SS. That he is a replacement. I could handle people trying to accuse me, but I would not have been able to handle someone accusing my child.

Whatever higher being must have heard me and gave us two little girls--I breathed a sigh of relief and then had my tubes taken out even though DH wanted to try for a boy.

I mourned the loss of not having known what having a son would be like, and that my image of a son won't come true, but that's okay--it's not like I really had control over whether or not my kids would have been boys or girls.

zerostepdrama's picture

I feel the exact same way.

I had BS with my Ex and we were never in love. Ex had a lot of issues. Just trying to survive day to day was so much work and I feel like I missed out on so much of my BS's younger years. I was physically there but not mentally because I was just trying to keep us a float.

Wanted more kids, didn't because that would have been stupid.

Finally split from Ex. Figured I'd meet someone and we would have kids and it would be good and I'd finally have that family "feel".

Nope, I met DH who already had older kids and a vasectomy. He said he would get it reversed, so I figured there is that option. Fell in love.

By that time I realized that DH isn't the best father. Not for how I see fit for a family. So I mourned that lost. Do I leave DH and find someone else? What if I never find someone else?

Then I figured, well the relationship with his kids are okay and it's kind of fun so that will be my family along with BS.

Then the skids do what they do best... so that ended the idea of "family".

Then DH and I struggled for a couple of years trying to figure out what our family dynamic is. My BS is with us FT and his kids never come around because of me. He's feeling guilt about his kids making it hard for him to bond with BS and I as a family.

It's gotten better.

Sometimes I feel like my family is BS and I, DH and I and even less so DH, BS and I. But it's gotten better.

I have been resentful about it, upset, angry. Then at times I figure it is what it is. DH loves me and I love him. BS is a great kid. I'm grateful. No it didn't turn out how I thought it would. I never thought I would have just one kid. I'm more then blessed to have BS.

((((HUGS)))

New2stepmomin's picture

Nasty troll, why don't you go back to talking about how sixteen year olds like to be spanked by their stepdads? That's a new low, even for you. Always posting about sex with minors. Pedophile.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

What? Gross!

I haven't been on here in months so I guess I really missed a lot.

Ew. Ewewew.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

For those of you who offered support, thank you. Smile I needed some kind words today.

As for you, Sheldon, I feel sorry for you. I do. To think that someone has nothing better to do with their time than troll people who are truly hurting on a message board makes me sad. And I mean that, honestly. You must be extremely lonely, or homebound, or something. And obviously you've been hurt a lot in your life. I'm sorry you went through whatever it is you went through, and I hope you find peace.

If you read my story, you would see that I in no way alienated my stepsons from my DH. In fact, I'm the one encouraging him to continue trying to contact them when his heart is broken over and over when they don't respond. I didn't "insist that my DH do a DNA test" on his son. That was something my DH did after his son and BM kept telling him he wasn't the "real father, and SS's therapist thought it would be best for everyone to know the truth. DH was more than prepared to continue to accept his son even if he wasn't biologically his. He still is. I pray that someday both boys can overcome the damage done by their mother's PAS, and that they choose to rejoin our family. We all will welcome them with open arms. Despite everything, I love my SSs. Always have.

Gimlet's picture

I actually stole your username one night, as I made dinner and the skids acted like it came from out of the air. I told DH I was the ghost who cooked dinner and I think it finally clicked. Thanks for that!

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

LOL! Blum 3

2badsosad's picture

Why do you even listen to Sheldon? Clearly He/She is a fake only here to start trouble. Not worth reading any of the garbage. I think by all of us feeding the fire is just making it worse. I for one will never reply to or acknowledge the presence again.

Monchichi's picture

((hugs)) sending you love and light Ghost. Many of us don't live the fairy tales we wanted, with the perfect families we thought we would have.

MineAndYours's picture

I think to say that "family is what you make of it" is incorrect. When outside influences (Bio moms or dads) that introduce PAS to a situation everything is now out of your control.

You can do and say what you like; try all the avenues of reaching out, and even involve therapy and the professionals, it just might not be enough.

Once a child reaches a certain age (teenager) there is little a parent can do if PAS is so bad that they refuse contact.

The only advice I can offer is take care of yourself and your DH. Find what brings joy to your lives and nurture each other. Remember that this is not your fault and you did nothing wrong.

Take care and chin up!

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

You're so right about the outside influences. When it's a toxic person, especially a BM, it's so destructive.

thinkthrice's picture

Start your own traditions, Ghost! PASing is on the GUBM. Just as long as your DH doesn't blame you for the PASing, you'll be ok. Took Chef over SIX YEARS to realize that it was the juvenile GUBM and her clan that were at fault.

Hell both of my ex husbands "wandered" but I NEVER PASed out my bios because of it. The weak woman PASes out her kids against others.

We are all human and for a GUBM to get on her high horse and think she has a halo that would burn out your retinas is a bunch of BS.

robin333's picture

Ghost, I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you had hoped. I remember reading your story when I was stalking the site and thinking that you are a kind soul that handled her situation gracefully.

I believe a lot of us end up here because we have somehow lost the hope that things will be as we had once envisioned. That isn't on you. There is no antidote to toxic parents that engage in PAS. You have been a supportive wife and that is quite the accomplishment.

sunshinex's picture

Similar to everyone else here, I never dreamed my life would be where it's at. I'm happy with DH and SD, but nobody really thinks they'll end up married raising someone else's child. As much as I love them, I hate that so many of my "firsts" with a young child were with SD and not my own kid. We started living together when she was 2, so i've done a lot in terms of raising her. I worry that I'll feel resentful when I do have a baby and don't have that "new mom" feeling/worry that I kind of look forward to.

I also hate how nervous it makes me to have kids... I don't want them growing up in a step-situation like this, because as much as I care about my SD, I won't love her like i'll love my own. I worry that having a baby and being unable to love SD as much will break our marriage up, and it keeps me from moving forward with life. It's hard. But you're not alone.

bearcub25's picture

Aw Ghost, you are just wanting an ideal version of family you have in your head. You SON is your family. He is the one that you can have that ideal vision come to life.

My DH passed away so I'm different in that there was no divorce for my kids to deal with, but there were large problems with my DH that trickled down to my kids.

As you can see reading through these posts, what looks loving and happy on the outside, is usually masking the pain and hurt on the inside of the 'nuclear family'.

Now kick yourself in the ass and think happy thoughts. Or eat ice cream, that works for me.

Gimlet's picture

As you can see reading through these posts, what looks loving and happy on the outside, is usually masking the pain and hurt on the inside of the 'nuclear family'.

Amen, bearcub. I grew up in one of those nuclear families and spent my formative years pretending everything was OK when it was no such thing.

I'm with Tolstoy - all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way and no one usually knows the real details.

bearcub25's picture

My sister was shocked at what my parents turned into after she left for college. I'm 8 years younger than her and 9 years younger than my Brother. Things were great when they were growing up....my brother played all sports so every weekend was whatever game was in season, my parents had a lot of friends and visited, had parties, etc.

My Dad cheated constantly, gambled away a lot of money so that my Mom was working 2 jobs, I caught my Dad pushing on my Mom when I was 12ish and no telling how many other times he wasn't caught.

It was a freaking nightmare and even though my Dad passed almost 30 years ago, I still resent him for treating her that way.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I feel you. I am from a broken family and all I ever wanted is a family of my own. My two year old doesn't understand why her sisters are gone half the week. She cries for them.