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How to prevent my daughter and I from issues down the road

Jackielynn2000's picture

Stepmom of 12 years now. Used to be great for a long time. Great co parenting, great communication..I was always included as most step moms arnt. I thought I had the rare good blended family.

Anyway ever since bm and I stopped getting along seeing all her true colors working with her...the older one sd17 made it very clear she was going to follow lead. There then was 2 incidents where she made up false abuse allegations. She admitted to lying but then did it again! The cases became unfounded and all closed and done immediately. 
The thing I worry about is -I'm a pediatric home care nurse...my lawyer told me if anyone believed her I could easily loose my jobs working with children. I haven't spoken or contacted her in almost 3 years. 

We now have a ours 3 year old who is our whole world. Shes amazing and makes us so happy. No more drama-blocking us on and off, lying, skipping visits, begging for their dad to get rid of me kind of drama. I have shut out a lot since she was born. 
Sd15 came around the first 1.5 years of ours daughters life but then decided we needed to apologize to her sister for being "mean". Yea none of it makes sense. We haven't seen sd15 in a year.
Today she suddenly contacts him and says she wants to see him. I told him after 3 years of on and off drama and horrible horrible hateful messages I do not trust either of them. I have been suggesting family counseling and everyone has refused for years. My in laws have gotten their selves involved talking all sorts of garbage about us and im judt done. None of my family acts like this.

I know bm is a huge influence on the kids blocking us or being hateful. It's very obvious but now my role has changed. I'm a mom of an amazing kid who is everything to me. I have a great career and I love my marriage.
Every time one of the step kids come back(it's every few months) my dh and I argue.

He now just straight out told me today "I know they are wrong and hurt you and our family but id rather see them periodically then never again. They will never listen or respect us and it's whatever. I just want to know how they are doing once in a while". Which I get. They are his children before even knowing me. I find it very sad that he's now at a point where he's fine with rug sweeping and ignoring all past negative behavior just to have a small part of their lives. Guess I just need to accept what he wants. These feelings of his are so new. He's alwsys told me he agrees with counseling and we need to stand united.
Idk how to handle. Just hope the drama and hate doesn't trickle down from him to me.

Winterglow's picture

So he wants to see them? Fine, but he does it elsewhere, not in your home. They don't get to be anywhere near your daughter either. Who knows what they're plotting? 

dragonfly878's picture

^^^ this. And when your daughter is old enough to understand, you tell her the truth about her siblings. Not some sugar coated fairytale your DH would prefer to believe. 

Jackielynn2000's picture

Oh I agree. Last night he says he thinks I want to keep it like this. I said why would I prefer this? I dudnt make their choices. I don't understand why now he says he would rather have something small than nothing...ok so im not thier mom..maybe parent alienation gets some parents at a desperate point? I don't feel the same and I don't want them in my home.

dragonfly878's picture

Why wouldn't you want to keep things as they are?! Quiet and drama free? Sounds like a win!!! I'd have no problem saying that to him.

If he wants to go lay with dogs he can get fleas and that's entirely up to him but that doesn't mean you have to, too.

Jackielynn2000's picture

Exactly.  My trust is gone. You know they have actually recorded me without me knowing before? Whats next? No way will they be coming in my home. It's a nonstop cycle though...they will reel him in and try to get him to choose "sides" like they did before. Im not threatened or worried but it's just a cycle that I know won't end and basically my husband will b living 2 lives.

AgedOut's picture

until they prove themselves trustworthy, you cannot allow them to disrupt your home. He can take them out to a diner, etc. one night a week to learn what's going on in their lives. It's win/win/win: hubby gets to see them, they get to see Dad w/ no interuptions, you ans your child will be kept away from their evil. win-win-win. unlessssssssssssss they enjoy the damage they do, fun thing is it's up to him to figure it out, just not in your home.

Jackielynn2000's picture

They tried these seperate lunches before. Then the older one got mad about me saying no to bringing my daughter WITHOUT ME. Her newest lie just 2 months ago that she was "verbally abused as a child and dad how could u do this to me?". So bizarre. We think it's the in laws because she went to see them out of state and then suddenly claimed abuse(we don't talk to them anymore because they have involved themselves).

Now this is the sd15 that is asking for lunch. They are both wishy washy and sd15 suddenly stopped visiting OUT OF NO WHERE after visiting alone for almost 2 years because we are "mean to her sister ". Sounds like a lot of brain washing huh? A lot of sudden changes of minds. It's sad but I'm done with the chaos.

Survivingstephell's picture

They could change their tactics and start charging HIM with abuse which would lead CPS right back to your door. Does he want really want to lose your little one?  The only choice in this situation is iron clad boundaries against this toxic behavior.  Just because they are "blood" doesn't mean they get unlimited chances.  They have shown continuously who they are right now and they are dangerous to you.  They are drunk with power and will use it to destroy you, their father and your little one.  Personally I thinks it's time for an ultimatum: them or us.  Enough is enough.  That he let it get this far is frustrating, I get it. You have a lot to lose if you don't put those walls up.    BTDT with my skids.  

Jackielynn2000's picture

Trust me I 10000% agree. I don't understand his thinking...after all the bs they have put us through now he is saying he just wants to see them even if it means no boundaries no respect and of course without resolving it-history will repeat itself!

Do you think they could say much at a lunch though? I'd never let him bring my daughter with him and I'd never attend. He says only once in a while out to lunch meetings-which again they tried this before and it didn't end well.

hereiam's picture

Of course, he wants to see his kids but I agree that he needs to see them outside your home and not involve you.

 

Survivingstephell's picture

Seeing his own parents turned against him, to me that shows he grew up in a toxic environment and knows no different.  Of course he is wavering.  It's what he knows and can't explain it.  You have to be tough about them not being near you , your home or your BD.  They will react to boundaries but don't hesitate to use legal means if they harass you.  DH will be worthless for awhile but my DH came to see the light and I hope your does too.  Therapy helped.  He went, we went and it was needed.  Sounds like your DH is a mess and doesn't know which way to go. That's why you need to be the tough one right now.  He can see them in public places for short periods of time.  
I'd tell him: 

1. you see them away from the home. 
2. you get into therapy asap 

3. any drama comes at me and there will be legal consequences for them.  
4. if you can't put our marriage and family first, there will be legal consequences for you.  
 

That's pretty much what I told my DH and he chose us.  To hear him talk now, he is happy , content and does not miss the drama.  Our BD is doing well and has no contact whatsoever with 3 of her half siblings and it's ok.  They lost that privilege by their actions and choices.  
 

 

Jackielynn2000's picture

So does you dh no longer see his 3 kids? May I ask why?

I have extteme anxiety every time they pop back into dhs life. They block and unblock and this has been going on for about 4 years. It's always some dramatic crazy story and it seems their life is never calm. Sd17 has even claimed other people have abused her besides myself and dh. To me she's dangerous and can't be trusted.

My husband agreed to keep everything seperate and I will not be going but it bothers me that eventually our DD3 will question where he goes without us. Do I just say work? He does randomly go into work all the time(I know its weird but very short staffed). I hate the thought of lying to her. I hate being left out but at the same time I don't want to go!

Winterglow's picture

Absolutely don't lie but remain within what is age-appropriate. Tell her he goes to see people that don't like you so you don't want to go with him. Develop as she gets older. She's only 3, remember.

Survivingstephell's picture

You can use names but don't need to explain the connection yet.  It's just another fact in daddy's life.  At three you just keep it simple, give no more than asked and if she keeps it up you stop her with " you can learn more when you are older   

CajunMom's picture

DHs kids are all adults now...two were teens when we met. It was 12 years of absolute hell until I finally put my foot down. I had to or it was going to cost me my life. I had fallen into a very deep depression; it took every bit of energy for me to "function" in daily life and my marriage was in a shambles. My health was negatively affected, both physical and mental. Thankfully, I already had a great counselor so we started again. Boundaries were set. DH sees his kids away from our marital home. They are NOT welcome here. I have not seen DHs kids in over 4 years; one I haven't seen in close to 10 years. False accusations, stealing from me, bashing on social media and to family/friends, disprespect within my own home, talked to like I was a stray dog, etc. I had to "fight" a crazy BM along with crazy adult kids, who were her soldiers in her war.

Your husband clearly has his head in the sand when it comes to his kids. My husband did much of the same during those 12 years but thankfully, he attended counseling, too, and finally had my back. His kids have been told they are not welcome here because of their behaviors and without some apologies and amends made, nothing will change. Your DH needs to realize the damage his kids could do to you, your 3 year old and even him. He needs to tread carefully. See them in public so no false allegations can be made.

Usually when toxic SKs reach out, it's with a plan in mind. Not always but don't think there isn't some plan of action in place to hurt you. Stay stong with your boundaries and if necessary, get into counseling and hopefully your DH will follow.

As for your child, give her the info age appropriately. Right now, Daddy is going in to town. Or Daddy is going see Jane and Joan. As she gets older and can process better, tell her the same but add in something along the lines of you don't get along so it's better if Dad sees Jane and Joan alone. Above all, protect your child. If they'd do that crap to you, they'd do it to your child. Best to you.

shamds's picture

You firmly say no. They made 2 false allegations and cps would have been involved. What happens with next time when they lie and your 3 yr old is taken away?

when he spews this fantasy that they're changed people and wouldn't do that etc, then actions speak louder than words!! They didn't care about your minor daughter being taken away by cos over lies or you losing your job

if you lose your job over their lies, is hubby gonna supplement your income?

the moment the sd's disrespected your household and became such toxic a-holes, they lost a right to come into the family home where you snd your daughter resides.

your husband would rather some fake relationship with sd's temporary crumbs of attention than no relationship at all. They're connected biologically and by dna so your husband is pre-programmed to cave into them everytime.

My eldest sd was 23 when she sob called hubby 1 day with lies that he abandoned them to marry me and have 2 kids with me during the time they cut off contact and disappeared for 5.5 yrs and i only met hubby 1-1.5 yrs after they ended contact

i ceased wanting anything to do with them from that day. There was no thankyou from sd's to me for loving and caring for their dad when the cut off contact over lies their mum made about their dad

CLove's picture

I too was subjected to "you abused me" rhetoric. I spoke through a closed door. I did not tolerate disrespect, not did I tolerate SD23 Feral Forger bullying her younger sister who was 8 at the time, when she called her ugly and stupid and would hit her. Of course it was turned around on me "well Ill just kill myself then". When Dh first heard that he took it seriously. Guess what, shes still alive and just fine.

She lives on Toxic Trolls couch, and sometimes even works a job. They argue like crazy. 

Just recently I responded to her accusations with truth, and she did NOT like that much, and lashed out. Good, because at least now the truth of her feelings is out there and there is no pretending to have a relationship therefore no threats of her moving back in...

stepmomnorth's picture

There's been too much that went down and too much harm done to just magically allow them back in at this point and it wouldn't be safe too. My thought process was the same as SurvivingStephells advice above which is basically come up with some very firm boundaries for your own sanity and peace of mind. Does your husband really not understand how you would need some sort of boundaries in place with these kids that have done so many hurtful and awful things in the past? He thinks you should just let them back in? Nothing has changed.. They haven't worked through any of the major issues.

Jackielynn2000's picture

Oh trust me I've said all this. He usually just changes the topic or gives me 2 word responses but now he's actually come out and said "I've tried talking to them about the past and nothing works. They ar3 never wrong so it's pointless. They refuse counseling. So even if I just see them once every few months to see how they are doing then id want that". Before he told me we were a pack and would stick to our words about family therapy. I'm now realizing maybe he just agreed with me to keep me happy or he really misses them so much he would rather have something than nothing. 

Funny-their grandfather (dhs dad) was blocked for 4 years from them(he upset their mom) and he said the same exact thing. He would rather  agree with them and not risk loosing them again then actually talk about th3 past and what went wrong.

Survivingstephell's picture

As long as he does it away from the house and puts your safety first, let him go.  He will eventually get tired of it. Looks like he will have to experience their toxicity before he learns.   Make him compartmentalize these visits.  He is not allowed to whine, complain or bring any negativity back home after these visits. Shut it down immediately if he tries to engage you in conversation about them.  He wants this? He does it alone.  Make that a hard boundary. This is the reality of his broken family.   Facing it head on is on him.  

Rags's picture

are a child.  Even if they are your own. Even more so if they are the toxic progeny of a failed family that cannot keep their failed breeding experiments under control. Regardless of what age they may be.

I would not allow DH to have my kid anywhere near his toxic failed family spawn if I were you.

He can see them without you or your child.

IMHO that fact that he has anything to do with them at this point is proof of his poor judgement. If they are lying about abuse, this could severly impact you and your own child.  DH needs to protect his youngest from the toxicity of his breeding failures instead of risking ruining his youngest or risking her having to live life with CPS dropping in our out of her life..

Jackielynn2000's picture

I agree. And I'm deeply saddened. I truly thought him ans I were on the same level of how we felt and what we wanted moving forward. I will never allow them near my dd 3 or myself. I can seriously picture how these lunches will go-just like last time-manipulative and angry if their requests dont go their way.

He would rather have some tiny bit of something to fill his void of these troubled kids than nothing because he says they "will never listen and never go to counseling".