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Lebanon and Christmas

fustratedintexas's picture

Husband has to go see his parents. They are older and he has not been able to because he he was on a project and now another one has started. I get it.  He can go during christmas break when it is slow.

I said I would fly out with him on the 25th of Dec.  The 24th, as a latin lady, is the important one, not the 25th.  We could celebrate with our family, his kids, my kids, my sisters, etc  then fly out.  

His daugther, 24 year old, informed her dad she can only go the 21st thru 28th of December and need to be back by 29th.  Basically she wants to be with her boyfriend for New Year's Eve. I get it.  She wants it to her schedule.

The other 2 want to spend one week in Lebanon and head to London for 2 weeks. 

I quickly figured out that it was not about spending time with their family but instead getting a trip out of if and staying in London another 2 weeks.  

1) I can't leave before the 25th. My kids are 16 and 13.  They are with me during christmas break and 2nd half with their dad. It is important to me to celebrate with them.  What kind of mom am I if I take off?  

2) I was very specific with my husband on this issue. If we leave the 25th we would be there thru the 5th of January.  When the kids return I will have a good friend come stay with them so they are not alone.  

His suggestion,  join me later on.  *fool*

I'm upset....I feel like his "we are a family" is just BS.   HIs son commented,  "as long as we are together it doesn't matter where we spend Christmas".  I replied, "and the boys, what?"  Silence. 

He has not said a word to me since our talk on Saturday.  I spent the day yesterday visiting my mom.  I mentioned to her the christmas plans and her response was, "enjoy your holidays, they will be the ones missing out.  It's not like there will be a christmas in the mountains of Lebanon, they don't celebrate that. He can't see his kids have manuipluated the entire thing"  

  • I am deeply hurt
  • He has been manipulated by his kids 
  • I feel like it drew a line in the sand for me
  • I do not want him to call me during the holidays. F* off, I am busy enjoying my holidays.  
  • 28th of December is our anniversay. 

His plan is to return on the 5th of 6th of January.  

 

Comments

futurobrillante99's picture

I would be deeply hurt, too. I would let him know that you won't stand in his way, but you feel very much in last place after his kids and what they WANT. And that you are deeply wounded that he doesn't place more importance on time together with you over the Christmas holiday or your wedding anniversary.

fustratedintexas's picture

You are 100% correct. I am in last place.....(sigh) 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

i'm with futuro... Tell him exactly how you're feeling...

None of this is okay and it makes me REALLY sad for you Sad To me Christmas is time for immediate family... So him waiting so you can go together is the better choice... It shouldn't be about what the kids want Sad It should be about spending time together.

fustratedintexas's picture

I will sit down with him in the next couple of days and figure it out. I just feel this has put a line in the sand for me.  

futurobrillante99's picture

His line in the sand is manipulative and controlling. He wants it HIS way, and he is putting what his children want ahead of his marriage and wife. That's not okay.

I would let him know that this decision, if he follows through with it, will not be easy for you to get over because he is showing you that you are in last place.

fustratedintexas's picture

Feeling fustrated, sad, disappointed in him..etc

marblefawn's picture

Can't his kids head there on the 21st, spend some alone time with extended family, and then you and he join them on the 25th?

I know that won't give all of them a lot of time together in Lebanon, but if time with extended family is so important, they can stay in Lebanon longer and shorten their play time in London.

I've seen this BS with my own husband and SD. She's always looking for an angle. The "family trip" to Lebanon with two weeks added in London sounds like a vacation grab by the skids. How will the extended family feel knowing they were in Lebanon for a mere week (or less) and then jetting off to play in London for two weeks? They probably won't feel they were very important.

Your husband shouldn't have said yes to the London extension when he and his kids rarely see his aging parents. Sounds as if the extended family are really not too important to any of them.

But had he not say yes to London, you wouldn't be in this time crunch (if I'm reading your post correctly). Why not suggest making this trip REALLY about family and spending the entire time in Lebanon. The kids can go to London in the summer.

I think everyone playing as if this trip is about spending time with aging Lebanese extended family is pretty false.

 

 

fustratedintexas's picture

They really wanted to spend time they would stay the entire time....

Letti.R's picture

I think this is all pretty messed up with everyone shoving their agenda on what the dates should be.
From your post, the purpose of the trip is for your husband to see his parents during the only time frame his work schedule allows.

You and his kids are prioritising your own time with your parents/kids.
I assume you all live in the same area and can see each other during the rest of the year?
Does it dawn on anyone that this is the only time he can see his parents?
Why should DH not give his parents the same priority as you give your kids?
It is a parent-child relationship afterall.
His kids sound like entitled free loaders on this trip and because they are adults I give less thought to their wants.
The crux of this boils down to you and your kids and him and his parents for me.

If his kids have their own time frames, they should travel earlier and then overlap their time with him after Christmas in Lebanon.
They can leave earlier if their own priorities are to be with their boyfriend or go to London.
Seeing they have such little interest in spending time with extended family in Lebanon, I don't even know why they need to go on this trip at this time, nevermind have their dates accommodated by DH.

I don't know if your DH is Lebanese Christian.
Depending on how you count, Lebanon is about one-third or one-fifth Christian, so it may be that your husband's family does celebrate Christmas to contradict your own mother.
It also depends if they are protestant or Greek Orthodox as to when they celebrate Christmas as these dates are different.
If he is not Christian and the holiday is important to you, it would be a fair compromise on his part to leave on 25 December as you celebrate on the 24th.
If his family celebrates Christmas, it may be a compromise on your part to travel with him earlier to celebrate with his family or travel later.
I don't believe your needs with your children is more important that his right to spend time with his parents - they are equally important.

You two can reach a suitable compromise that relate to you and your minor children and him and his parents.
Even if it means you miss Christmas together this year.
I dont really care when his children travel as the Lebanon trip seems an excuse to do other things for them.

fustratedintexas's picture

Oh yes, for his kids, it's the free trip...(sigh).  Husband doesn't celebrate so I know he doesn't care. I get it that he wants to see his parents.  I'm just disappointed he decided on the spot with his kids and never talked to me about it. Would I be ok?  Just some f* courtesy, like I matter since I am his wife. 

Letti.R's picture

In that case, in all fairness, travelling on the 25th is a reasonable solution.
(With many airlines that do fly on the 25th, tickets are actually quite cheap.)

He should be discussing these issues with you - not his kids.
Way out of line.

Harry's picture

Vacation and want to control it to there wants.  London has nothing to do with parents ?  Your DH should have your back and leave on the 25 and if his kids want to go they can, if not you save money 

fustratedintexas's picture

We finally spoke about trip.  He really was clueless that I was upset. Shhh...the engineering part in him?!  I told him it was decided, in fact the kids were looking into a detour to London.  He said he had NEVER authorized it.  Really? 

I feel better at least make him realize it did hurt my feelings that this was all decided and we had already made our plans.....

We shall see......