Holidays without Stepkids
This year, the (teen) stepkids are not with us for Christmas. It's BMs year - she and DH alternate. We are home for Christmas with our LOs, and have invited my side of the family. DH has just announced that he can't have Christmas without all his children, and therefore we need to postpone it until the 28th, with the skids are with us.I was supposed to be back at work that day, as are a number of family members driving 1-2 hours to spend the day holiday with us. Not to mention, it's still Christmas for the LOs and something we all looked forward to celebrating with them.
I told DH that it was not fair to me, my family, or our LOs to postpone it, especially when the the skids will be celebrating that day with their mother's side of the family. I love Christmas, and while I wish all the kids could be together, we are a blended family. DH and he ex have had this alternating arrangement for 5 years now.
I told DH, calmly, that while I appreciate his desire to wait for all the kids to be present, that I can't see it working out that way. I reminded him that my family members, other than Skids, also want to celebrate that day, and have planned accordingly. He asked me to inquire with our family about switching the day. I haven't asked yet, and I really don't want to. I don't think that's fair to the rest of us. I asked him to consider a smaller, separate celebration on the 28th, as we have done in prior years for the skids.
For background - last year (2017) when we did have the skids, they went and saw their mother anyway that day for a few hours - DH and DSD fought about it the hour before they left. I spent a lot of time, money and effort making it an awesome holiday for us all, as did the rest of my family ensuring that all the kids (skids included) had a great day. DH did basically nothing to get ready, and was in a crappy mood when the skids left to see their mom. The year prior (2016) when we didn't have the skids for Christmas (BM did not permit them to visit DH the day of), DH sat around sulking that the skids weren't there. We did a second Christmas on the 28th when the skids arrived, but of course, it wasn't quite the same - the rest of my family had gone home by then, fewer present under the tree, not quite as big a meal. The rest of us enjoyed Christmas day, but my family was fed up with DH. They were sympathetic the first few years, but now they are tired of his moods and putting a damper on the holiday.
I feel like we keep having the same conversation each year. LOs are getting older, especially BS, who understands Santa, and Xmas morning. DH says that once both LOs are bigger, the skids will be out of the house, and can choose to come have Christmas with us, and therefore we won't have to postpone. Oldest skid leaves for college in the fall, and youngest skid leaves in three years.
Advice on how to address this with DH now, before another Christmas becomes tension-filled?
Ughh this is one of my
Ughh this is one of my biggest pet peeves is when people think that everything should be scheduled around including skids. I dont think people fully realize that when they are at the other parents they are still living life and doing things, we didnt just lock them away in a closet somewhere where they are sitting alone by themselves crying because they are left out. My SD flat out told me she totally forgets about all of us when she is at her moms. It makes no sense to make everyone else live half lives scheduled around the skids. If they can be included great and if they can't they cant and it's just how it is. Especially when you have other kids it's really more unfair to them to have to schedule everything around skids so that they have 2 christmases.
We personally are going to DH families before SD leaves. Her presents from us and Santa will be at our house for when she gets back to open and the other kids will still get theirs xmas morning. We will go visit my family the day after xmas.
How old are your skids and bios?
ages...
@Jcksjj - agree with you completely. Skids are in high school (18 and 14), and Bios are 3 and infant. We can't put everything and everyone else on hold when the skids aren't with us. We do plan vacations around skids, and often times, DH takes them solo to do big kid/teen activities without the LOs slowing them down.
Your DH is just feeling guilt
Your DH is just feeling guilt. Hopefully it will fade.
I dealt with this nonsense early in our relationship, too...I don't have kids of my own, but I have 5 younger siblings and a niece and 5 nephews who I care about greatly. DH genuinely expected me to revolve my whole Christmas plan (and that of my 18-person family) around when his kids could be involved. And it was never consistent from year-to-year...so my family was always on our heels a little bit about how and what to plan...and then he'd not be communicative about the plan with BM...so we all waited with breath held until we just had to make a plan...and then he'd sit around and pout if his kids had been 'left out' of the plan (newsflash...they were preteens and teens and barely knew my family...they didn't care AT ALL) and he'd duck out early and try to set up something with one or all of his kids instead...going to see a movie, grabbing dinner...anything at all. A lot of times I'd leave with him and then feel so, so, so much resentment that I'd cut my limited time with my family short in order to spend EXTRA time with the feckin' spoiled skids. After a few years of this...I just stopped. When he was ready to go...I told him I wanted to stay and that I'd get a ride home when I was ready. Sometimes I stayed all day. He doesn't have to like spending time with my family (I am very good with his family and spend time with them on their terms without reservation...happily being a guest and going along with their plans...for whatever reason, this is something he's never been able or willing to do for me.) But I also don't have to like spending time with his kids or cut my time short because he has problems being a good guest.
I think it's a sickness biodads have...it's such entitlement and narcissism...this idea that having kids gives him a giant trump card to call all the shots and behave however he sees fit? So gross. Has he not considered that YOUR family wants to spend time with their baby grandkids / niece & nephews / cousins just as much as he wants to see his older kids? Does that not matter to him at all?
Well of course THEIR kids are
Well of course THEIR kids are the only ones that need things centered around them, right? I still dont think DH fully comprehends that not everyone thinks about and plans their lives around SD like he does. He genuinely seemed to think that everyone else would be devastated if they didnt get to see her and he never realized that sometimes the other kids - nieces, nephews etc weren't at celebrations too and life went on.
Jcksjj...
I just read your background... I see where you get your insights!! I hope this Thanksgiving is as peaceful as possible for you. Baby steps with your DH, eh?
Haha yeah, figuring this
Haha yeah, figuring this stuff out has been a matter of survival. This site has helped alot.
And thank you! I'm sure I'll have some material to blog about next week but let's hope for a miracle.
Yep. Sounds just like my DH.
Yep. Sounds just like my DH.
He got 1000x better as the skids got older...especially when they started driving. I think he was terrified BM was going to turn them against him (she almost succeeded with OSD) and that he was going to lose them...so he was hyper-vigilant to make sure they were included in everything and never got 'shortchanged' in any way (Ha!)...to an extent that made the skids difficult to like. So glad he's calmed down on all that! Here's hoping your DH does, too.
OP - I was hurt enough about missing out on my family time without having kids. If I had my own littles (and HIS too) getting put on the back burner for this nonsense...I would flip my lid.
I can see that. My SD has
I can see that. My SD has always strongly favored her mom, even before they split up. I think that does play a big part in his behavior. It's kind of a lose lose for him to me because either he caters to her and she still gives him occasional digs about how her mom is better and has no respect and basically uses all of us for what she can or else he doesnt cater to her and has to deal with the more dramatic my mom is better. And her choosing her mom over her is a realistic possibility when she gets older except her mom flat out said she doesnt want her fulltime.
Honestly - the waiting until
Honestly - the waiting until the eleventh hour to protest the plans, thereby throwing wife and her family under the bus. The pissy mood with the candy cane stuck up the arse. The pouting the whole day about the skids being 'left out' of the celebration...when he had an ENTIRE YEAR to confirm a different plan...the last-minute wheelings and dealings and furtive conversations with BM to try to finagle a few extra Christmas hours with the skids...
It's all so familiar I'm getting PTSD flashbacks from Christmases Past...
I actually have worse
I actually have worse memories from when she was there and DH would parade her around to everyone expecting everyone to fawn over her and give endless compliments. That's been reduced but he will still occasionally do something like show a picture of her to someone and if they dont immediately give a compliment he will sit there and look at the expectantly until they come up with something to say. Oh and when she not at a family thing he will get kind of uncomfortable if no one has brought her up and will find a way to bring her up that doesnt really make sense to the convo.
Gross. Just gross.
Gross.
Just gross.
Oh man..they're teens and
Oh man..they're teens and your bios are just tiny. Honestly do the skids even care? I'd guess only dad cares. On my moms side I have alot of cousins younger than me and when they were teens they all ended up being able to come less and less to family Christmas because they had jobs they had to work or even just wanted to go with a bf/gf or whatever. Even in an intact family sometimes not everyone can be around for celebrations it's just how it is.
Let the little kids enjoy their "real" xmas just like I'm sure the skids got to when they were younger. Maybe you could point that out to DH? That the skids got to have that already and it's not fair to take it away.
not really...
@Jcksjj - The Skids want their gifts, and they do enjoy watching a good christmas movie. But at they're ages, they kind of disappear after the morning rush to do their own thing (18 year old will be facetiming friends, 14 year old will play whatever new video game he got) until its time to eat. 18 year old might offer to make desert - depends on her mood...because...teenage girl. I like the idea of pointing out that LOs need the same experiences that Skids had when they were younger - thank you!
BM has SDs every Thanksgiving
BM has SDs every Thanksgiving and we do not do a second Thanksgiving. Nope!
DH has SDs each Xmas and while we know they have a second Xmas with BM it is not as big and usually involves family friends.
There is no way I would alter my time to meet an arbitrary celebration. The skids need to understand that not everything revolves around them. People have work schedules and other social plans. Your DH doesn't get it. He has then for the holiday every other year but gives it up to BM voluntarily? Well, that's his problem, not yours. He can either join you and your family as planned or not.
sort of...
@Cover1W - sort of....last year, DSD threw a minor fit about not seeing her Mom on the actual day. BM was having a meltdown. So DH caved and let both kids see their Mom that day. (In theory, I'm not opposed to this - I would have wanted to see my Mom too if it were feasible). Unfortunately, it made things tense for the rest of us watching DH and DSD argue (which is a whole other thread in itself). DH was annoyed because BM does not extend the same courtesy, even when DSD has fought with her mother to get to see her Dad (as heard over speakphone in 2016).
"DH has just announced that
"DH has just announced that he can't have Christmas without all his children"
Then, I guess your husband will just have to sit this one out.
Seriously, what a drama queen.
There is no way in hell I would entertain this crap.
lol
@hereiam - i hear ya. i don't want to entertain this at all. i think it's ridiculous. DH and I are in couples therapy, so I'm trying to work on communication with him. i also would love it if he'd get the candy stick out of his ass and be happy on christmas morning, so that's my main goal in all this.
I feel the same as hereiam.
I feel the same as hereiam.
Hell no I wouldn't allow this to happen. IMHO he is trying to place the skids above EVERYONE else, including your babies. Nope. It's freaking rediculous. Additionally, I think I would tell him if he wants to be a freaking Grinch and be all pissy during the celebration he can go do it elsewhere. Do NOT allow him to mantrum and ruin everyone's holiday. Sheesh.
i may quote you....
"mantrum", i love this.
"DH, I and the LOs are
"DH, I and the LOs are celebrating Christmas with my family on the 25th. We can have another small celebration on the 28th, and then ALL the kids get 2 Christmas celebrations. But I will not ask my family to rearrange their holiday plans one month out when you have known for an entire year that skids won't be here. If you wanted something different, you should have spoken up sooner. As it stands now, I am not changing plans unless it is to add the 28th."
He has had A YEAR to figure out what he wanted to do with Christmas. He didn't speak up when plans were made (and he likely agreed with the made plans) so he's SOL. Hold him to that!
This is a lesson most people leanr young - you don't change your plans because better ones came about. Same principle.
nice
@lieutenant_dad - i like this wording , thank you!
I like this wording too, but
I like this wording too, but I would leave out fourth sentence. Because, even if he wanted something different and had spoken up eariler, he shouldn't expect OP's family to accommodate the skids on another date. I think that's ridiculous for OP and her kids and her family to twist themselves into a pretzel and not celebrate Christmas when they are all together. One of the consquences of divorce with children is that you have to alternate holidays (in most cases) and that you will most likely never have your children every single holiday. The long term solution would be for DH to accept that fact.
Who is it on this forum who
Who is it on this forum who has often made the profound observation that Biodads expect their new wives to pay for their divorce more than they have to?
I think that applies in this case, OP. Your DH is expecting YOU to take on the fallout from HIS divorce...rather than dealing with his s*** himself. You know what? You get divorced...that means you don't get your kids all the time. That's one of the consequences. You don't get to shove those consequences onto your new wife and keep living your life as normal.
Doesn't stop biodads from trying, though.
Not just the bio dads expect
Not just the bio dads expect this -- in-laws, society, random people on the street, etc. How dare SM to want to have a nice holiday with her kids and family ON CHRISTMAS if the skids are elsewhere?? My in-laws expected me to be ok with actually spending time with BM and SS on holidays, like some kind of creep sister wives crap.
Yep I agree with this.
Yep I agree with this. Especially anyone who has no experience being part of a stepfamily it's always *gasp* but those poor children will be left out!
Your DH gets a big stinky F
Your DH gets a big stinky F on the test of reasonableness. So, tell him that Christmas is on the 25th and that is when it will be celebrated with your joint kids and YOUR extended family. There can be a re-tread celebration on the 28th when the SKids are present. Of course that means your own children get to participate in that too since it would be inappropriate to rub their noses in their elder half sibs getting all of the attention when your children are present.
Since the SKids will not be present on the 25th.... this is a non issue IMHO.
I hope your DH improves his grade on the test of reasonableness. For some reason I don't think that it is likely, but... good luck.
My bride suffered from a similar malady early in our marriage when she would refuse to do anything of note while SS was in SpermLand on SpermClan visitation. I got tired of missing out on things with my family and just told her no more and that I was participating with my family whether SS was on visitation or not and she could come with me or not. Her call.
Ultimately it worked out fine for us. Though to this day my bride of 24+ years will recycle her lamentations on the occassional Rags clan event that SS-26 missed due to SpermLand visitation. Even though I made it a point to recycle anything that we did with my family if we thought SS would enjoy it. But for some reason "its not the same". smh
I would tell him that the
I would tell him that the plans with your family will proceed as planned. period. dot.
However, if he wants to do a gift celebration thing with his kids on another day.. of course that's fine. Before they go to BM's.. after they come back.. etc.. They are old enough to understand the logistics of every other year with the other parent.. they are old enough to udnerstand that other people will celebrate without them on "the day"..
What you won't do is force everyone to accomodate HIS visitation schedule..perhaps if he can't miss the holiday with his kids.. he should ask BM if he can celebrate it with HER.
Your DH is crazy
You have Christmas with your bios and your family on Christmas Day, your Bio are young and want to do it on Christmas. Have your family over. Let DH do what he want to do. Either join in or leave. You will not change everything to accommodate SK who is going to make the day hell anyway
i have the same issue in my
i have the same issue in my relationship, i have one child he has 2. his kids go on vacations with the mom.... he won't go on vacation with me and my daughter cause his kids made him feel so quilty when once he did once ( while his kids were on vacation with their mom)! when the mother does not take them we all go with his kids..... so shows my daughter that we are ONLY a family when his kids are around! last year i went with my daughter. his kids went with their mom and SO stayed home! this year he thinks we will all go together, no thank you.... see how it is to go on your own with just your kids! have fun! i never plan around his kids time with us! not my problem if special events fall on dates they are not with us!
Closing the loop...
DH finally agreed that it wouldn't be fair to everyone else to postpone the holiday. We are doing a smaller second xmas when the skids arrive. I wish the lughead wouldn't make us go through this drama before coming to his senses.
So you're having a smaller
So you're having a smaller 2nd Christams for the Skids.....is your H putting everything together or do you have to do all the running around and planning for that too?
I hope your DH is taking then lead
on second Christmas. He doing the cooking, cleaning up ect. Who will be coming on the 28 ????
Second Christmas....
For second Christmas on the 28th, DH says that he will be preparing the meal. He's already purchased gifts for the skids, which are sitting in the hallway, waiting to be wrapped. He's asked that I just be present and participate. I have two gifts each for the skids. We won't have a house full of people - just me, DH and the kids.
If DH pulls through and is a good sport on the 25th with our LOs and my family, and participates like he promises he will, then I have no issues doing the same with him on the 28th. Meaning, I will make breakfast for everyone, sit around for gifts, play games, and enjoy the day. I won't do the big dinner or ask my family to come again - that's already off the table. Truly, I hope this ends up being the case - that we have a nice day. I think that's fair to the skids - a smaller second Christmas.
But, if DUH is absent/uninvolved on the 25th, I plan on ignoring him that day, enjoying the holiday and traditions, and will go back to on the 28th after giving the skids their gifts at breakfast.
Ultimately, I won't let DH ruin the 25th and then reward him with another redo holiday by pretending everything is ok.
I would try kill em with
I would try kill em with kindness for both of you.
- of course he will always feel sad, if he’s a good Dad. Empathize, remind him they get 2 Christmas’s. That we can’t change the fact we are blended, but we can put effort into making the best of things. And that includes you allowing yourself happiness when they aren’t here. They are ok, they are with family that love them. And so are you. You have kids here who need to see happy Dad. It’s ok to miss the skids, but don’t let it consume you so much that you miss Christmas with your other children. They are young, and need you.
Its time to let go of the guilt of divorce. Accept shared custody is part of our life. And remember to live well when they are here, and when they aren’t. A happy you is what all your kids need.