Divorce update

So from my last blog, you guys know that DW was thinking of leaving me. So during all of this time I've been pleading with her to stay so we can try and work things out. I've bought flowers, cards, and we even started marriage counseling. She wanted me to stop with all of the cards and flowers because she didn't want me feeling like I was kissing her ass in case things didn't work out. She did say at some point a few weeks ago that "She wasn't such a nice person during our marriage". I took it to mean how she let all of the drama with our SD's affect our lives.

So I have to preface the following with saying that two years ago we started swinging sexually to add some fun and variety in our life. We started it after we began raising our grandkid and used it as an escape from our drama-filled lives that revolved around raising SD's kid, and putting up with SD's bullshit. When DW thought she was going to leave me, she put an end to our sexual swinging. I agreed to it because I felt like we both had lost touch with our connection to each other and I wanted to focus on rebuilding our marriage.

So last week I went to happy hour with a mutual friend of ours, and he let me know that DW had cheated on me several times with some of the guys we met while swinging. I was instantly furious and crushed emotionally. After all of the bullshit I have put with since I moved here, I couldn't believe that she would do that to me. The most fucked up part about the last time she cheated is that she told me she was going out for drinks with a co-worker and I even told her how nice she looked before she left the house. I confronted her about it and she lied for an hour straight before finally caving in and admitting the truth.

I can't tell you how stupid I feel for putting up with all of the shit I have put up with just to have her go behind my back like this. Now that I have caught her deception, of course NOW she wants to work things out when just a few weeks ago she was telling her friends how she wasn't in love with me anymore and thought she would be happier being single. Now I'm the one that's deciding if I want this marriage anymore.

(And please spare me your morals on sexual swinging. Been there, done that.)

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I'm so very sorry you and DW

I'm so very sorry you and DW have gone through what you have.

It sounds to me like it's time to go. If she can't respect your boundaries and took the swinging thing too far by actually cheating on you and then lied, you likely won't be able to respect and/or trust her in the future.

I don't have any great words of wisdom to bestow on you, only my sympathy. I feel for you and hope you're able to do what makes YOU happy. Think of YOU and how YOU feel about all of this. Life's too short to be miserable and if you know you can't trust her, how can you have a happy marriage?

Think long and hard about your life and where it's going. If you can picture yourself with this woman in a loving, trusting and honest relationship - fight for all it's worth. But I do think you honestly know where it is and what to do.

Good luck

Thanks Lolagoth069. Yes we

Thanks Lolagoth069. Yes we had rules which we both were to follow, which she continually broke. We even gave each other the occassional hallpass so there was NO need for her to go behind my back other than for her own selfish reasons. One of our most important rules was open and honest communication at ALL times, and nothing happens without prior approval.

I think it depends on how you

I think it depends on how you feel about this marriage and if you think it's salvageable despite all that transpired. I personally would leave because I feel she violated the ground rules of swinging so in essence it's cheating--with cheating it's not about the sex but the betrayal of trust.

To be honest, I believe she's ready to leave anyway by how she responded to your gestures of fixing your marriage. In some ways I feel she's probably humoring you until she gets the go ahead or finds the best time to do it.

Only time will tell.

You're right its about the

You're right its about the betrayal of trust. Just didn't think in a million years she was capable of this. The only thing that's keeping me from just leaving is that fact that the SD and grandson now have their own place and we can finally focus on each other instead of other people's drama.

You're right StepAside.

You're right StepAside. Some of the signs were there, I just chose to ignore them. I have definitely thought about moving out and getting my own place.

It's tough enough to take all

It's tough enough to take all the crap associated with being in a step-family but then she has to go screw around on TOP of that?? What a load. And then she even had the audacity to waste an hour of your time STILL trying to lie after you found her out??

If your marriage will survive, I think you should demand extensive counseling and major ass-kissing. Even then, it will take a long time (if ever) for her to earn back trust with you.

I'd think very long and hard over whether I want someone with such a lack of character in MY life. Also, just because SD and grandson have their own place, doesn't mean she is forever out of your life!

I will just keep my

I will just keep my judgmental self out of this blog. lol

Thanks for the website, I

Thanks for the website, I will definitely have to check it out.

I would never categorize my wife as a sex addict, but I will say that swinging seemed to turn us both into completely different people, and it definitely was very addictive to us. We spent more free time focusing on other people when we should have been focusing on each other.

Agreed...I have a great

Agreed...I have a great counselor. She is of the opinion that bringing an outside party into a couple's sex life most often results in this type of scenario. So sorry to hear this, I know you are extremely hurt This is the point where I would be moving on...only you can decide what the right thing is for you to do now. Best of luck to you - keepus updated, you WILL find support here

Luckily we do have a great

Luckily we do have a great marriage counselor who has a LOT of experience in dealing with sexually open couples. The last thing we needed was a therapist who would judge us instead of focusing on how we can resolve our issues.

Everyone has options

Sorry, but a woman who agrees

Sorry, but a woman who agrees to swinging is not doing it for the benefit of her marriage, but rather for her own benefit. You also need to rethink why it would occur to you that having your wife sleep with other men would help your marriage. I think you need to move on, take some time to yourself and learn a bit more about yourself.

PS - I think what you call DW does not deserve the DW name

Well I can understand your

Well I can understand your opinion herewegoagain. But in my experience people who have never experienced swinging or would never do it really don't understand or have enough open-mindedness to comment on it. There are lots of couples and people that are able to do it without experiencing the problems that we have encountered. It just wasn't meant for us and brought more problems into our relationship, and I fully accept the responsibility that goes along with that.

Yes that's the bigger problem

Yes that's the bigger problem that I'm trying to deal with and see if what we once had can be salvaged. I do love her, but honestly I deserve better. I don't really get the point in being a cheater if you are a swinger, because if the rules are adhered to everybody pretty much gets what they want. It all boils down to respecting your partner and boundaries, and it's obvious her respect for me went out the window.

The bottom line is that this

The bottom line is that this relationship is not working. You can not make someone love you. It would be best if you just move on. Agree to disagree.

Ok I'm saying it. Sorry, when

Ok I'm saying it. Sorry, when you "swing" to "spice up" the marriage, you can't blame your wife for "cheating". Sorry that's ridiculous. What's more ridiculous is that you didn't see it coming.

Sorry but if DH ever said to me, "Hey let's swing with Angelina & Brad!" I'd be stupid not to say yes to Brad whenever he could fit me into his schedule with or without DH.

Sorry just my opinion.

Shook I can understand your

Shook I can understand your opinion. Don't agree with it, but I can understand it. All couples have rules and boundaries, some are just stricter than others. What works for some doesn't work for others. A co-worker I know is married to a woman who makes him change the channel if a Victoria Secrets commercial is on. That works for them, but wouldn't work for me. So boundaries are different for each relationship.

So I wouldn't say it's "ridiculous" that I didn't see it coming. And by the way, if you did go behind your DH's back to be with Brad in your scenario, yes you would be STUPID and also SELFISH

Sorry I don't mean to get

Sorry I don't mean to get down on you but I'm just saying, "spicing" things up with extramarital sexcapades is going to cause further problems for a marriage that is already apparently having problems, skid or no skid. And evidently it has caused you problems with your wife going to far.

And by the way...I said Brad Pitt---not Joe my neighborhood roofer because it's a 1 in a Gazillion chances that would happen. I wouldn't cheat on my DH ever. Ok only if he gave me the okay for Brad Pitt (reminder 1 in a gazillion).

Believe me I understand where

Believe me I understand where you are coming from. You are absolutely correct, swinging will just cause more problems if the relationship is on rocky ground.

I'm sorry this happened to

I'm sorry this happened to you. And yes, your wife DID cheat on you regardless if you agree to swinging or not. My husband and I also engaged in swinging in our marriage. Swinging involves respect to your primary partners. If you both agreed either of you can have sex without informing the other, then it's not cheating. But going out without telling your spouse - that's outright cheating. That ruins trust, and without trust, it's all downhill. As far as I know, my husband cheated on me once, and he claimed it was early on when he didn't think I could handle swinging. He knows it was wrong, and that I find it unacceptable. When it's done together, it's no big deal. Even when he would have sex alone with other women, if I knew about it, it's still no big deal.

I also think you were right to stop the swinging unless you were to regain your connection. I feel that my husband and myself have lost our connection, and our sex life is not nearly as good as it used to be. We don't swing much anymore (two young children) but I'm not really at the point where I want to have any sort of discussion about reconnecting. Thanks to swinging, I've found that sex with the emotional connection with your spouse is SO much better than unattached sex.

Good luck to you. She blew it. It hurts, but yes, you do deserve better.

Swinging was a big mistake

Swinging was a big mistake for us, no doubt about it. Couples that are able to successfully navigate those waters, I salute them. I am so grateful that our marriage counselor is skilled in dealing with swingers, polyamory, and other areas of sexuality. I've also been reading a fantastic book on adultery that explains a lot.

Yes there were signs there and I chose to ignore them. No one deserves to be cheated on, no matter what kind of relationship you are in.

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