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How Do I Stop These Thoughts?

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I often wake up with thoughts of sincere sympathy for my SD13. I worry for her future, for her development as a human being in a world that (mostly) values honesty and individuality. I imagine her future will be riddled with emotional blowups and lost friends. Or it will be some elaborate scheme where she is just like BM, absolutely hollow and at the “top” of her imaginary world.

Then I feel anger. How could someone be so cruel and manipulative to their daughter? How could BM be such a thief? She has truly handicapped her kid. Stolen her future. She has stolen her very personality by passing on her hate filled heart.

But none of this is under any of my control or even mild influence. So how do I get rid of these thoughts of sympathy that only lead to worry, pain, and anger?

I don’t trust my SD13. Nor do I want a friendship with her. How do I wake up on mornings when she is here for a visit and push those thoughts out of my mind so I can care less and lead an emotionally consistent life?

How do I care less for a child who has proven she is PASed to the point of minimal return? 


Forthelifeoftheparty's picture


somethingwicked's picture

Wine is the Cure.


That is what one STer had as a tagline..and it works!

It is laudible that you care for your SD.

You are empathetic .

And I understand that you feel both empathy and frustration and anger .

Teen years,too, are the worst. So much drama and angst and mood swings.

These are your feelings  .Maybe sharing and talking about them with your SO would help.

It is up to  your partner the bio parent to improve SD's lot  or influence  her behavior  or social skills through consistent parenting . You can help there if your assist is welcome by both  but you have no direct influence as you already are aware.

It may be that SD will come to her own conclusions some day and reject whatever narrative or negative  diatribe from her mother .



Survivingstephell's picture

You shut down any weak spots that might open the door to spying for BM.  After being around here for 9 years, I've learned that there are way too many kids being brought up like this and you need to be wise about recognizing people like this and minimizing their influence in or over your life.  Sympathy applied to people that would hurt you with no remorse leads to much heartache.  Its a sad thing when you learn the lesson that not all people can be saved from an upbringing like this.  I have 3 skids that are not the best of people.  Oh others might think so, but after being married to thier dad and seeing the values and morals that BM encouraged in them,  I know better.  There isn't anything I can do to change them.  Accepting that came with therapy and researching character disorders to finally see there is scientific support that its next to impossible to treat.  At least the ones I am dealing with.  

So you live your life on your terms, focusing on the positive and letting the negative wither on the vine.  

That's what I came to realize.  

amyburemt's picture

My oldest sd was like this. We went through years of lying and manipulation on a level I have never seen before. Bm is a master manipulator and taught her well and PAS'd her to the extreme.(she lived with us and saw bm eow but was still going through this). I have never seen anyone so hell bent on destroying their own children. SD now lives with BM. I do not trust her as far as I can throw her and I hope my dh sees that. He tried everything he could to stop the PAS. Therapy, hospitalization, even a judge recognized it. Didn't matter in the long run. I worry about her future , she will latch on to some horrible guy and live a life of misery. My other SD is still with us and is getting ready to go to college and flat out states she doesn't want to be like her sister or bm. As far as advice, my husband gives great advice. Occasionally when I lament he says to me "but how does it affect YOUR life and the direction it's going". It doesn't. other than making me sad or worried or angry. But ultimately it's her life and her path that she chooses. He repeatedly used to tell her to look at all her paths and choose the best one. She chose not to. You can't change bm at all or the hate she throws out around her. You can't chage SD , she will follow bm before she listens to you or dh. You can choose to dwell on it or to go forward. When I start thinking about all the negative things that happened, I only allow myself 2 minutes to do it, then I go on with my life. I refuse to waste any more time on negative people who only want to destroy other people.