You are here

Thank you all for your support

Elizabeth's picture

Regarding DH's emotional affair.

I confronted him last night. He didn't deny the situation, which is good, but as I suspected he did not see it in the same light as me. He tried to blow it off, saying he was just joking but I told him it was flirting and unacceptable. Then he tried to say he talks to other co-workers the same way, but of course not the men or lesbians he works with, just this woman. So hmmm.

DH says he is not cheating, has never cheated, and has no desire to cheat. He says there were others with them on that bike ride, but I told him it's funny the woman only tagged HIM in her Facebook post. I told him married men don't text unmarried women asking them to send photos of themselves drinking. I told him I am his only wife, he doesn't call an unmarried co-worker his "work wife" and tell her she needs to kiss him goodbye when he leaves.

He agreed it was inappropriate and asked me how long this had been bothering me. I told him it was a while but I was waiting for him to deal with it, like a grown man should. He claims he was just being friendly and evidently crossed a line he didn't recognize.

He asked if I trust him and I said, "I used to." He didn't like that much, but it's the truth. DH agreed to end the inappropriate relationship, so we'll see.

Comments

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I would still send a spy mission to the tattoo parlor.....

Glad you were strong enough to bring it up with him, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

~ Moon

z3girl's picture

I'm glad for you that he said he would end the relationship. You will most likely need to watch everything he does for a while, and he won't like it, but it's his own doing.

oneoffour's picture

I agree with meerkat. And maybe some couples counselling is in order so you can steadily work past this. He needs someone outside your marriage and impartial telling him this is not appropriate and give him tools to learn to never fall into this trap again.

Just don't use this as ammunition for years to come. If you cannot reach a time and place where you trust him again, don't make your life miserable and continue to stay with him.

As for the tattoo ... insist it be something that shows his wife is more important than anything else. A flaming skull head doesn't work!

Willow2010's picture

Elizabeth,

Please do not just let this man do this to you. Do you really want to live your life this way? Do you want your kids to see this way of life?

Isn't your DH the one who spends YOUR money on his grown adult DD and said he would divorce you if you separated finances?

I rarely advocate divorce, but this man is an adulterer. It is time hun. I think you do not want to confront him because you are scared of what you might find out. I know it is scary, but you can make it on your own.

I pasted that from other blog. So now he knows you see his text messages? Did he say anything about the tattoo?

Unfreakingreal's picture

Keep your eyes and ears peeled. He may just get craftier at hiding his emails, texts etc…
Good for you for opening our mouth. The next step should be to reach out to the woman and say "I spoke to my husband about his inappropriate relationship with you. I don't like it and I told him to stop. I am letting YOU know that I don't like it and that I expect YOU to stop as well. I'd rather this does not get ugly."

zerostepdrama's picture

My cousin is getting a divorce. She first found text messages. Confronted her husband about them. Seriously he told my cousin the same exact thigns that Elizabeth's husband said and it was a co worker too.

Well my cousin noticed the text messages stopped, so she checked his emails and sure enough that is how they were now communicating.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Zerostep - absolutely, he is simply going to get craftier. That is all. The OP should listen to her gut, it is telling loud and clear that something is wrong and his "How long have you been feeling this way?" Was CLASSIC "Oh shit, what else does she know?"

Start tracking his computer usage. Install spyware. I would stop at nothing to find out if my DH was cheating on me.

JingerVZ's picture

I hope for your sake that this is all there is too it... He could be telling you just want you want to hear.

You will feel hyper vigilant where he is concerned- trust your instincts not him, at least for a while. Very few men confess straight off, let's hope he has nothing to confess.

tabby yabba do's picture

I have followed your story. I believed I may have lived your story too, but only time will tell how your story ends. Going on only the information I've read, I tend to believe your husband is either actively cheating right now or actively pursuing the chance to do so with his work wife.

I physically cringed when I read his comment:
(he) asked me how long this had been bothering me.

Sounds to me like he was asking this "How long have you been on to me, and how much do you know?" I suspect he catered his answer to whatever yours was (verbatim, was your answer "a while" or more specific? Cheaters will often cater to how much you specifically know; unfortunately it's best to be vague with them because of that).

Two things may help you remedy this situation:
1-He is honest with his assertion he will end his inappropriate relationship with this work wife. 100% end it - full on NO CONTACT. If he uses the excuse "but we work together, it's not 100% possible to avoid speaking with her/running into her/eating lunch with her/attending functions with her," then he finds a new job.
2-100% transparency on his part (personal cell phones, work cells, work email, personal email, mileage on his car, bank statements, 24/7 access to him, etc.) with zero complaints from him, or expectation of reciprocity from you, may save your relationship. The moment he turns this into a "we" thing ("you and I, we should BOTH be transparent," or "We should BOTH be held to the same standard"), is the moment you know he's sharing the blame of an affair with you and he will likely be reluctant to truly repent or change. (Marital problems take two people to create. But having an affair is a SOLE decision made by ONE person in the relationship and is a decision/responsibility that must never be shared by both parties. Ever. If he is cheating, it's on him and don't let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise.)

I wish the very best for you!

Hanny's picture

Did you talk to him about the tattoo e-mail? If not, I would still watch to see if she is there when he gets it. Yes, he will have to understand that you will constantly need to know where he is and what he is doing until he earns back your trust. Good Luck!

hereiam's picture

That's what I want to know. How do you justify inviting some other woman, besides your wife, when getting a tattoo?

DaizyDuke's picture

Ugh so sorry you are dealing with this Elizabeth, but I don't think this is "over" not by a long shot. I think all you did was tip him off and now they will most certainly go covert with their little meetings and flirtations. If you have the money I would damn well hire a private investigator... BUT I guess it depends on how much you WANT to know.

I suspect that you really don't want to know... and I'm not judging, I've just been there. I didn't want to know that my ExH was cheating, so I believed every stupid little lie he told me and tried to tune out all of the glaring evidences, all the sixth sense, pit of my stomach niggelings The only thing I accomplished was making myself sick with worry, making myself crazy, thinking I WAS crazy, and prolonging the inevitable.

stepinafrica's picture

:O He's cheating. And it sounds like he won't stop. Are you ready to deal with this on top of the mini wife thing?

Meanwhile I bet your daughters can see how he treats them differently.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Is Miss Thang married?

If so and you get concrete evidence let her husband know.

To a certain degree affairs are about control. Controlling information, reactions, behaviour.

They lie and deflect and blame because they want to control us.

They don't want us to have the truth because then we might act on it and spoil their cake eating best of both worlds fantasy

It is abusive to treat people that way.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

Hi Elizabeth,

Unfortunately I can empathize with you all too well...I think you know the answers as to "what is really going on" and the realization of that is quite frightening; at the same time you want to give your husband the benefit of the doubt because sometimes the truth seems "unbelievable" and after all he is your husband.

Here is where your husbands actions got me-
You shouldn't have to tell your husband to not have a relationship outside of your marriage. He should know this and he does know this. You don't walk across a street without looking both ways first- its common sense-that he clearly violated.
Any person that is committed to a relationship will not seek outside companionship asides from friends that were there before the relationship started and with whom you are familiar with(I say this with opposite sex friends in mind). And if there is a new burgeoning friendship- why weren't you included in the first place and/or introduced?
What I don't get is how could he not know this would bother you? If you did this- you can bet your husband would definitely be hurt.

I am sorry if I am coming off as too direct, I have been where you are and I thought that when I got cheated on- I was hideous, no one would love me- typical thoughts people have when they are cheated on and dumped (referring to my EX ie father of my DD).

Turned out people actually were interested in me- came as a shock because I thought I was fucking hideous and boring lol, a new independent not to sound cliché, Women emerged and I did things that I wanted to do for the first time. And then I met my SO and all hell broke lose(haha jokeing but being immersed in the step world is not something I wanted nor planned but I do love my SO- so I am sticking with it). So if you think- depending on how things turn out with your husband that,- your life will be over, you'll never have another husband etc- if you do break up...think again some of your dreams will come true. To your husband-the grass is never greener on the other side(if your husband thinks it is).
And if you do stay together, you will have a long road of recovery battled with constant insecurity(hopefully your not like me a holder of things-I take a while to recover from things)from your part ie, is he going to be late because he is at work or hes out with a girl? sort of insecurity- then maybe counseling is your best bet to dealing with this- in order for your marriage to survive.

All the best Elizabeth-sorry if this is long, I just hate reading stories about people who were once in situations like mine! I hope whatever happens its the right decision.

misSTEP's picture

Why in the hell would it matter how long you have known? Unless there was more to it than what you had already found out.

It still smells IMHO.