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boundaries

ej'scrazy's picture

What are your boundaries with BM? Why do you have them? Are they effectively used? We are havingsome major issues and could use some help in making clear lines that aren't to be crossed!

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ej'scrazy's picture

This is one of the issues! She wants a connection to dh, and is constantly saying that they need to be friends "for the sake of the kids! "

ej'scrazy's picture

This is what I have said time and time again. She has phases where she is nice, and then she gets super-nosy and thinking that she can "just stop by" anytime the kids are here. DH has said no, but that doesn't stop her.

DH has said, if the kids we're in the picture, there'd be no need for communication--it makes life difficult, especially when you want to cut ties!

hereiam's picture

DH refused to talk to BM about anything except SD. If she started talking about her own life, he would tell her he was going to hang up on her. She was very manipulating and always had an ulterior motive. She eventually got the hint.

He has not talked to BM since SD got married at 18 and CS ended.

I can see being civil in front of the kids for the kids, but that's different than being friends. Sadly, BM was not interested in that, she was always a total bitch in front of SD.

ej'scrazy's picture

BM is not interested in being civil, even in front of the kids, as that is when she amps up the crazy. She think DH owes her something, and she is out to get it.

Glassslipper's picture

I love the list too! I wish I could get DH to follow this rule list too!!!
He is getting better now...but when if fails again (which it will) I will share this list!

ej'scrazy's picture

- Early on DH had to tell her to "Only call for emergencies, otherwise email me. This is not an emergency." I insisted he speak the words, and repeat them if she happened to get him on the phone again."

EVERYTHING is an emergency with her! I don't know how else to explain to DH that EVERYTHING can't be an emergency.

- She is not allowed in our home.

She has tried this once, after what I had to deal with, I told DH "NEVER again! I will be dead before it happens again!" So far, it hasn't been tried yet.

- Parent / Teachers are separate. Each go alone.

This is perfect! She keeps trying to say "We have to show the kids we're on the same page" However, she doesn't even know the teacher's names, so how does that work? Be on the same page about what? We already know we are 100% responsible for school stuff (anything school related).

Ljcapp1's picture

My h's boundaries with BM are non-existent.
I'm always having to tell him what to say when she calls and he over-shares and gives her too much info. They still text and talk about SD's who are 18 and 23, which I find absurd. When my boys are 18 my exh's phone number will be lost forever.
Ex's need to communicate about the minor kids and the kids only, those are my suggestions. That is what I communicate with my ExH, and that's all the communication we have.
BM used to feel free to come in my house and I had to put a stop to that as well. It's MY house and she is not welcome.

BSgoinon's picture

DH had to actually tell BM "we are NOT friends, we will never be friends, we were not friends when we were together which is a HUGE reason we didn't work out I am SS's DAD, and you are his MOM and that is ALL. Don't call me for advice about your jobs, or relationships, or your family. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS". It got better after that, but.... it still took her a while to understand that just because she is SS's mom doesn't mean she has any kind of say in our house. That one had to be spelled out for her too.

blayze's picture

Our relationship boundary:
SO is not allowed to have any private relationships with any other women, and I am not allowed to have private relationships with men. I tell him about every text, email or conversation with my ex, and he tells me about the ones with his.

Rules for BM:

1. She cannot have his cell phone number. WE got his number changed two years ago after too many texts and a fake emergency in which she interrupted our date to say that she was taking the skid to the hospital, and then refused to answer her phone all night. The kid didn't even go to the hospital.

2. She cannot call him at work. This took A LOT longer for me to get him to do, but it was worth it in the end and he agrees. It took at least 5 arguments over two years, and then I had to kick his ass out and write an email explaining my stance to him, cc'ing his mother, before he understood I was not playing. YOU DON'T TAKE PHONE CALLS FROM CRAZY PEOPLE EVER. He needs a paper trail! Plus, she cannot think that she has a private relationship (connection) with him because it gives her validity. She needs to know how little she means! She would call out of the blue and ask for "BM favors" rather than "skid favors", then shame/slander him when he didn't comply. That's crap and she doesn't deserve access simply for shitting out a kid.

3. Email ONLY communication about the kids. This was recently put into a temporary court order and I couldn't be more pleased! Hard won, let me tell ya. He already told her a few months ago that this is what he wanted. He now forwards EVERY email from her to me, we talk about it, think about it, and come up with a proper response - if at all!

4. I have no communication with her. After her stalking and harassment and three trips to the police station, I think she finally realizes that she shouldn't eff with me anymore.

All in all, BM cannot talk to SO at all unless it is in writing. I read everything. And her communication that was ever-so-important before, has tapered off to a once a month email that may or may not get responded to. Put the attention whore right back in her cage where she belongs. Wink

blayze's picture

Since she recently moved 1000 miles away AGAIN, she needs to email him. Not like he can do anything about an emergency anyway.

She also has his mother's number and his work number...she's just not allowed to use them because of all of her other fake emergencies.

blayze's picture

LOL exactly!
She has all the power.

The temporary court order states that she is supposed to provide a phone for the kids to call him at work at least once a week. For now, he can't see his kids because they live in another state and no visitation order has been set up through the court.

Everything had been at her whim before me, and he was fine with it because he had nothing going on but work and his kids. He had his kids all the time. Then when BM found out he had a serious girlfriend, she reported false allegations which meant a restraining order, which kept him away from his kids for six months. A month after the trial was done, she moved. Before I came along, she would pawn the kids off on him all the time. After I came along, he turned into an "abuser" apparently.

Last January (2013) she moved 1000 miles away, then moved back 8 months later...she called SO at work from 1000 miles away saying, "You better come get your kids, I'm going to jail!" Then she made up a huge story and had a fake social worker, a friend, and her mother call him with this fake story. He refused to go 1000 miles to go get his kids (bail BM out as he had done so many times in the past), and instead had nearby family members who were ready to step in. Then, crickets from BM. A month later, his child called and said that she was in our city! SO, who had grieved the loss of his kids for over a year, immediately went to file for visitation (even though he had been paying child support for many years).

Court-ordered EOWE visitation started this past January 2014. Everything was going fine. Then a couple of months ago in July, she sent an email asking if he would be willing to take the kids for the school year because she had fallen on hard times. SO asked if it would be a permanent change or temporary change. She writes back "never mind, the kids say they want to live with me." Then a notice comes in the mail of her "intent to relocate"...she was giving her 30 day notice. SO goes to court to try to stop it. The magistrate says that since she's sole custodian the court can't stop her from moving. She moved again... so now they have to go back to court in order to set up a new visitation agreement.

It's all jacked up, but because of her craziness, I refuse to live my life around HER and THOSE KIDS. SO's life used to revolve around all of her craziness because he felt guilty that his kids were involved. BM doesn't realize that SO's patience has worn thin, and no one is going to put up with all of these changes to see some kids they didn't even want!

blayze's picture

You're fine. Your opinion doesn't change the facts. Smile The word was "didn't" want. We can argue all day about unwanted kids and it won't change the fact that some are wanted and some are not. I was wanted by my mother and not by my father.

Even though my father begged my mother to abort, like SO begged BM to abort, my mother did not... which makes a child unwanted by at least ONE party, thus making the woman more powerful since it's ultimately up to her to choose whether a man becomes a father or not. Simple facts of life.

blayze's picture

I agree...but if I lived far away from the other parent, I could see emailing within 24 hours, since the other parent can't do anything about it anyway.