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DreamingBig's picture

Submitted by DreamingBig on Sat, 09/02/2017 - 1:10pm

So DH and I have talked a lot and he has fully apologized for the times he has disrespected me in front of the SDs. We have agreed that after my return to New Zealand I won't be living with them right away. And that before I move back in he will make it very clear to all three of them that we are a couple, that it is OUR house, and that that means it is as much my house as his and we have the same authority in the house.

This is very promising. I will test it out before I move in though. Not sure how exactly. Any ideas how to test it out in subtle ways if I'm not living there yet?

Thanks,
Z

Comments

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 09/02/2017 - 1:46pm

Living there or not, there are certain behaviors that are unacceptable and a certain amount of respect that should be given to any adult. The fact is, that is their father's home, even if you never live there, they should show some respect to their father's partner. But, if I remember correctly, they don't seem to have much respect for him, either.

I wouldn't count on a lot of changes, it is hard to rein in this behavior once they have already gotten away with it. They will be resentful and will most likely find it hard not to show it. And they will most likely show it way before you move back in, if you spend a decent amount of time there. So, you probably won't have to test it.

I wouldn't move back in until they are permanently moved out.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Sat, 09/02/2017 - 6:21pm

Never move into their home, instead get a new place together. It will save you so much grief in the end.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 09/02/2017 - 6:52pm

That's just it, kids did not live there to begin with but still took over once they moved in, AFTER OP had moved in, before the kids had even visited this new home of their father's (if I remember correctly).

But I agree, she should not move back in.

DreamingBig's picture

Submitted by DreamingBig on Sat, 09/02/2017 - 9:32pm

okay. So it wasn't quite that clear cut. I stayed there with him the first night he moved in. They did visit it when he was looking. Had even talked about which rooms they wanted. BUT they were never going to have those rooms right then anyway cos he rented two out to roomate. So over the next 6 weeks I lived there part time and then moved in full time. About six months later one of them moved in full time.The other two have never lived therefull time.

The 19 year old is about to go off to Uni.
The 17 year old is about to move in with her boyfriend.
The 15 year old lives with her mother.
But she could end up with us. But that would be fine cos we get along and have a good relationship and she is lovely and respectful.
So we'll see.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 09/04/2017 - 2:59am

HOw to see if he made empty promises or if he will stand by you..

When you are there, tell the girls to help to clean, wash dishes, do their laundry.... pick up their shit in the bathroom, talk softer, ..

see if they greet you friendly or if it's grunts and see what he does about it.

If you are talking to him and the girls interrupt, keep quiet see what he does about it, corrects them or simply keeps on talking with them.

Watching TV, does he sit next to you, does he tell them to move to make you a spot next to him?

Make sure they stay out of your bedroom and bathroom, they are not allowed to go in there and they are not allowed to use any of your stuff...

I can guarantee you he will let all above simply slip and will not act on it, do not move in with him Hon, wait till the last one launched and then get a new place big enough for just the 2 off you....

These are facts, I lived it.... Men say they will have your back, bullshit they don't

DreamingBig's picture

Submitted by DreamingBig on Mon, 09/04/2017 - 9:56am

Thanks. I'm not sure what leg I would have to stand on asking them to do chores or not swear while I don't live there.
As for our bedroom and bathroom, I think BP's raised them not to just walk in to the bedroom cos they don't and they never use my stuff which is good.
We don't have a TV in the lounge but when we do watch movies together he and I generally sit together.
I am beginning to feel/see that in the general run of things, I have had it lucky. There have been some heinous occasions for sure but they do seem better than most step-kids.
I'm just wondering how it can really work for there to be multiple territorial women in one house all vying for the same male attention.
And also how can a "step" parent with no bio kids and no family of her own around her, ever truly feel "part of the family" even in her own home....
I suppose that comes from the way the bio parent acts and treats things...
Who here has had success?

DreamingBig's picture

Submitted by DreamingBig on Mon, 09/04/2017 - 9:56am

Thanks. I'm not sure what leg I would have to stand on asking them to do chores or not swear while I don't live there.
As for our bedroom and bathroom, I think BP's raised them not to just walk in to the bedroom cos they don't and they never use my stuff which is good.
We don't have a TV in the lounge but when we do watch movies together he and I generally sit together.
I am beginning to feel/see that in the general run of things, I have had it lucky. There have been some heinous occasions for sure but they do seem better than most step-kids.
I'm just wondering how it can really work for there to be multiple territorial women in one house all vying for the same male attention.
And also how can a "step" parent with no bio kids and no family of her own around her, ever truly feel "part of the family" even in her own home....
I suppose that comes from the way the bio parent acts and treats things...
Who here has had success?