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Am i a horrible person?

D_R_96's picture

I feel like a horrible person, i cant find a way to talk to anyone about this. if i talk to my friends i feel like they are agreeing because its the friendly thing to do. If i talk to my significant other he shuts down and it becomes an argument. I am 23 years old and i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and i am 3 months pregnant . when we first met his son was great we had no issues and we got along great. However we ended up separating for acouple months and when we decided to try things out again his son was a whole different person. His son is 7 and i cant seem to get along with him anymore. He is VERY jealous when im around his dad. If im talking to him he will talk over me so i could stop talking to his dad. If we go out for dinner and my bf says he wants olive garden for example, his son will want it to but when i agree to it he will immediately say nevermind i want __ now. If i make dinner he will say how its nasty and his mom makes better food. We went to the zoo with my bfs family and he started crying because "his father doesnt love him anymore because he was holding my hand" but 2 seconds ago he told us he wanted to walk ahead of us to be with his cousin. I had to separate from my bf and walk with his sister ahead of them because his son didnt want me around. I finally decided to tell my bf how i felt and he said hes just a kid he doesnt know what hes saying. I cant stand this kid anymore. Whenever he comes over my whole mood changes. I just want to leave my home. I usually end up locking myself in the bedroom. My bf and i decided to get a 1 bed apmt. (California rent is insane) BEFORE we moved in i talked to him about where his son will sleep when he comes over (he has him every other weekend). He said he will be fine in the living room. Fast forward to the day it came for him to come over, now his son cant sleep in the living room, he feels bad.. i tell him he can get an inflatable matress and make it comfortable with blankets and pillows. But No, his son cant sleep on inflatable mattresses, thats "rude". so now here i am sleeping with a 7 year old on my bed, also he needs to be in the middle so he can have his back towards me and his dad wont touch me. I dont know if it was the way my family is but i am not comfortable sleeping with a child (that is not mine) when he is 7. he told me about how he WANTED to buy a small moveable couch that can turn into a bed and i said NO definitely not. We have NO space for this couch. Our living room is smaller then a master bedroom and we ALREADY have a huge couch in there. But ofcourse i come home from work on the weekend he has his son and i walk into my bedroom and he has the couch. I dont know what to do anymore. Everytime i try to talk to him about this he automatically gets defensive and says its because i dont like his son, and how im a heartless person. I feel horrible, at this point i dont know if i can ever like his son again, and it makes me feel terrible. Am i in the wrong? 

Comments

atsecondplace's picture

Your boyfriend is prioritising his son over his relationship with you. There is no way a 7yo can get away with ANYTHING without an enabler. Somewhere in that mess is whatever the kid went through during breakup phase that triggered his behaviour change but the responsibility in addressing it lies with his dad. The boy is 7. He's got zero life skills to handle this.

You have a right to your own feelings. If the thought of having the kid over feels unbearable that's because it is. It might be easier to write down your thoughts and give it to your boyfriend to read so he can address each point. On paper writing "you just hate my son" in response to every separate issue you raise doesn't work as well as in real life. When you're verbally arguing it's an effective line to throw to derail the argument. You immediately go on the defensive to prove that you're not the sort of person who could hate a kid, neatly sidestepping the real issue which is your boyfriend's lack of understanding and support during a time that is supposed to be a wonderful special experience for the two of you. 

 

Chmmy's picture

Put that child in his place. My SS11 pulled that shit years ago. He has since been put in his place.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

This is very simple.  You have a BF problem.  He allows his son to behave this way.  He allows his son to have qn adult ststus in your home.  The problems need to be addressed now.  If not, what will happen when your baby comes? If your apartment  is so small, how much harder will this get with a small baby?  You definitely need to get your BF to talk about and address these issues now.  If he won't, then you have some tough decisions to make.

Chmmy's picture

After I saw you are 23, that's my son's age, i wanted to tell you to just leave. You are too yping for this but then I saw you are pregnant. If the relationship didnt worknthe 1st time why did yoi come back and get pregnant? It's only going to be worse now.

Curious Georgetta's picture

prior to your moving in together or at least some arrangement that did not require his son sleeping on a couch in the living room.

Now you have 2,(?) Income producing individuals living together and he  has to minimize his living situation. Will the child that you are expecting be eventually required to sleep in the living room as well? I assume that you will be still living in California with the same  high rent situation.

By your timeline , you met the kid when he was 3 years old. There are few problems or issues that a 3 year old is likely to create.

During your relationship break, the kid may have heard both his father and other family members make comments about you that likely colors his feelings and thoughts about you now

Additionally, your return to the scene has brought with it changes to his living situation that no reasonable person would view as positive.

Give the kid time to reorientate himself to his new reality.

If your boyfriend cannot afford  to adequately house 2 children, why did he think that having a second child, at this time, was a wise decision or move?

Perhaps the 2 of you might want to seek counseling. It seems as though you are already on different pages as relates to parenting views and expectations.

 

 

STaround's picture

1.  Look around for low cost, or income based fee, counseling.   You guys need to get in agreeement before the baby comes.

2.  Figure out your finances.  Maybe you cannot afford to live in CA.   If you can only afford a one bedroom and now there will be a second kid (and you may not be able to work same hours once the baby comes), it will only get worse.  If the wait for subsidized housing is too long, you may have to move, but you need to address this.

justmakingthebest's picture

Yeah, no. You could always get a Murphy bed for the living room for him to sleep on so that it's at least a "real bed" but it can be put away. 

Also, you really don't have a SS problem as much as you have a BF problem. Just ask yourself if this is the man you want to raise a child with, because it isn't too late to change your mind, as much as that sucks to say. You child will spend a significant portion of his/her life with this man whether or not you decide to continue your relationship. Your child will also spend that time with his 1/2 brother. These are the behavior traits he/she will learn. 

If your BF can't properly parent the kid he has now, how on earth is is going to be a good dad to yours. If he is guilty daddy now, imagine how much your baby will be shafted over SS "not being loved" or "being replaced" one he/she is here.

Honestly you need to have a serious talk with him on how this future is going to look because I couldn't deal with what you are going through.  

Chmmy's picture

Agreed. I hate the idea of suggesting abortion but I also think people should stop bringing children in the world if they wont be raised properly.

justmakingthebest's picture

My past self would have never even considered it an option for me or anyone else. I am old now and have seen too much.

Ispofacto's picture

Everyone should stop asking a 7 yo where he wants to go for dinner.  His opinion shouldn't count, and he needs to get that through his head, now.  It sounds like he's been elevated to adult status.  You have a miniwife on your hands.

 

D_R_96's picture

Alot has happened in the last 24 hours.. i do think getting an abortion is the best solution for me at this point. I never thought this would be something i would do. But I need to get away from this relationship as quick as i can. i know many people think its stupid that i came back to him after it didnt work out the first time, trust me im with you, i dont know what i was thinking either. But today made me realize alot. 
 

we came to the conclusion that we need to sit down and talk today after work (i was sort of excited because he seemed like we were going to have a genuine conversation) I come home from work and he says hes at his cousins house so i just wait, next thing i know its 12AM. Im calling and calling, no answer. So i head to his cousins house and hes in his car already about to leave but hes acting suspicious like i caught him doing something he shouldn't be doing. So i grab his phone and lock myself in my car. Come to find out, This man is texting women and worst of all, he is trying to convince my sister to meet up with him at his cousins house.. 

I realize now that its not me that should feel like a horrible person, he was trying to make me feel that way and it was starting to work.  At this point i have no idea what to do now but one thing i do know is i need to find a place to go and leave as fast as i can. 
 

thankyou guys for all your comments, it really helped me.

Winterglow's picture

I'm sorry that things turned out this way for you but at least now you know what you have to do. You deserve way better than this pathetic skunk of an apology for a man.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I am glad that you found out sooner than later. I wish you the best in life.

Curious Georgetta's picture

With which you can live. No one on this internet has to live with that decision - only you.

Find whatever strength you need to navigate the days ahead. 

May wisdom and strength be your companions in the upcoming days.