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Just confused's picture

I need opinions. Something!

my situation is confusing, please no bashing. And sorry for being all over the place  

I met my DH when I was 17, he was 16. We’ve been together 11 years now. He already had a child that the BMs mom took custody of because neither the BM or BD were capable of taking proper care of her.  She was born when he was 14. (Yes I know, super young).

Let me fill you in on the back story: DH had a tough upbringing. He didn’t fight for his DD because the BMs mom could give her a life he could never give (she was weathy). The BM has always been crazy. She was the type that would always say she was pregnant just for attention when she wasn’t. She would stalk me, threaten me, downgrade my children (DH and I have a boy, 10 & girl, 8). She’s been a nightmare. My DH for 12 years had nothing to do with his daughter because he was told that she wasn’t to know about him until the child turned 18. Well 2 years ago when the child was 11, she wanted to meet. She came around 4 times in a year. She came around when she wanted something expensive like an iPhone after only knowing her BD for 2 days.  And the few visits stopped when she realized we weren’t going to spend that kind of money. 

Fast forward to this passed summer...Claiming to have her life together, BM took her Daughter over the summer to prove that she was ready for custody. Well she tried using the daughter as a way to get money from my DH because she’s unemployed and married a drug addict with kids. Once she realized he wasn’t just going to hand over money, she started to tell her daughter that she should’ve and wanted an abortion, but the BMs mom wouldn’t allow it; that she was a POS (saying this to a soon to be 13 year old) and that no one wanted her and she was unloved.  The BMs mom took the child back and said if BM wants to see her, she has to come to her house.

Found out the 12 year old cuts, has sex, is bad in school, etc. she recently got in contact with DH saying she wanted a relationship. My kids just found out 2 years ago they had a sister. Me & DHs son isn’t thrilled and my daughter hasn’t really expressed feelings on the matter. 

My problem is, I feel like I’m being forced into all this. DH said eventually she will spend summers & weekends with us, but until she stops the violence and cutting, I don’t want her here. I don’t want that influence on my kids. 

DH doesn’t understand why I don’t want her here. For our entire relationship it was DH, our 2 kids and I. I expressed all my concerns about her and what not. We fight a lot now because I said I don’t want her to live with us. I’m afraid that my kids will take the back seat because of her. she’s cutting for attention (she posts on social media that she cuts) and I don’t want our family to take be the second thought. 

Truth is as awful as it sounds, I wish she wasn’t his child. I don’t like any of this and I know my thoughts are horrible and childish. But DH thinks I’ll grow these feelings for her that I know I won’t. Even though she was born before our relationship started, i didn’t expect this because she was never around. Had I known this was going to be my life, I probably wouldn’t have started this relationship. I love my DH so much, the thought of not being with him, hurts. But I’m not someone who can just grow feelings towards a child because I’m told I’m supposed to. Even though he is her BD, it still feels like she’s not because she’s new. The whole situation is new. But he makes me feel pressured into all of this with no discussion. I know I’m being childish, but I can’t help the way I feel. Now I’m going from having my picture perfect family to having the new aged blended family. I’m not built for this.  

There’s a lot I haven’t put in here....but feel free to ask questions or give advice. 

Comments

Harry's picture

you don’t need a older SD who crazy influence your kids.  It will only be drama 24/7.  At 12 or 13. You are not going to have any influence in SD life.  She is not going to be part of your family, she doesn’t want it. 

elkclan's picture

This is super hard, I know. But this isn't a new SD - this is a child who has been around for longer than your relationship. This is a child who has basically been abandoned by both her parents. This is your husband's daughter even if he hasn't acted like a father. So of course she's going to have issues. 

You were super young when you got together so I guess it would be harsh to judge the 17yo you. But you are almost 30 now so you already know that things don't magically happen just because you want them to. She isn't going away and she needs help. As for the money part, yes, your DH has an obligation to this child. 

You have to decide if you want to split with your husband (and you already know what kind of non-custodial dad he is) or if you want to make the best of this. 

I strongly suggest counselling to help you manage your feelings of resentment - some of which are justified and some aren't. If you think counselling is expensive then try divorce. 

 

Just confused's picture

It’s not that I don’t expect to have money going towards her needs, it’s the fact that 2 days after meeting him she asked for a $400+ phone. And when he didn’t get it for her, she stopped talking to him. 

As for the type of father my DH is, he’s an amazing father. So even if we would split, there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s be involved with our children. Just because a 14 year old was not ready, and thought he did the best thing for her, doesn’t make him a bad parent or person. 

justmakingthebest's picture

1st I would talk to BM's mom. What legal paperwork does she have for custody? Why hasn't the grandma adopted SD at this point? I say this because teenagers are expensive, kids are expensive. It sounds like all of this may be a grab for child support. 

2nd- get prepared. I realize that grandma is young because all of you are. However, on any given day this kid can show up at your door and you get her full time. If something happens to grandma, and BM is a junkie, you win the SD prize. 

3rd- before she comes to stay with you for weekends, summers, etc- demand that she be in therapy or if she already is, DH needs to start going with her and then you need to be added to the mix. You guys need to work through this very complicated matter together before you thrust it on your other children. 

4th- at your house there are boundaries and rules. SD is not special. She doesn't get a pass on her night to do the dishes (or whatever other basic chores your kids have). This includes consequences for actions. I am in control of my kids phones and social media. At any given time all of the kids have to hand me the phone, I have all codes to unlock anything, I take it to my room and go through it. It might happen 2x in one month, it might not happen again for 8 months. But it can happen anytime. If she is posting dangerous things to social media (cutting), that requires a consequence that a therapist can help with and maybe even in-patient treatment if it is serious enough. Which with a horrible mother, and absent father, SM that doesn't want her (trust me I get it, but does she?), and living with grandma-- maybe things rolling around her head are that bad. 

On a side note, my son, while yes, his father and I are divorced, has a great life. Me and the ex communicate and support eachothers households. My hubs has a solid relationship with both my kids, my son gets along with all of his sibilings, 1/2 sibilings and steps. He excells in school, plays basketball and golf, has friends. On the surface everything is great. However, he suffers from major anxiety and panic attacks. He came to me and told me he wanted to kill himself. It wasn't for attention, he was scared. He didn't want to feel this way. We went to counseling, still going to counseling, just started him on meds (which is scary too). My point is, my son doesn't even have all the shit that your SD has going on in life. However, depression and anxiety and those feelings of wanting to just end the sadness are real for all kinds of people and you need to tread lightly.

5th- Sure, you might wait to do some of the bigger ticket family fun things so that she can be there, but it doesn't mean the only time you have fun is when she is there either. 

Just confused's picture

The grandmother wants nothing from him, just help with the child emotionally. When the BM had her this last summer she filed for child support and the grandmother was furious. The legal paperwork states the grandmother has full custody. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Until you get things in writting through the court, he should restrain from visitation. This teenager will become a pawn. Get his rights on paper, set up a visitation schedule and get that counseling ASAP. If that isn't done, I wouldn't play the games.

tog redux's picture

I don't blame you for being upset about it, your feelings are legitimate too. I give your DH credit for stepping up for this daughter he created when he was way too young, but he really should take it very slowly, and keep not only SD's needs, but your needs and your other kids' needs in mind, too.  She should be in therapy and the rules and expectations of your home should be very clear.  Visits should start slowly, not suddenly every other weekend.

This is why 14-year-old parents should give kids up for adoption, not have the grandmother raise them.  I know that's hard to do, but now this kid is damaged by all this instability. If DH asks her to stay with grandmother, she'll feel abandoned and unwanted, and as if his other kids are more important to him. 

marblefawn's picture

It appears that you were going to have to deal with this when the girl turns 18 anyway, correct?

It doesn't really matter. Your situation sucks. So does her situation. So does your husband's situation -- someone should have insisted on an abortion or adoption 12 years ago because the decision to have a kid no one wants has now come back to haunt everyone.

While this isn't your fault, it is your problem. All you can do is leave or put your best foot forward in the situation. You can resent it, but I still think you have to force a degree of compassion for her -- the thing you share with her is that you are the only two who bear no blame in this mess.

If you put forth your best, maybe this can be a success story -- maybe the kid needs love, discipline and stability. I'm not optimistic, but in your situation, it's the best you can do short of leaving.

This is a really sad story and I'm sorry you're going through it. Try to draw on your sense of humanity and see what you can do with her. Success stories are rare, but not impossible.

DaniSanti83's picture

A few questions for you, when I read this my heart just sank....I was in the same situation as this young girl the story many years ago it is so erely similar and your thinking/feelings is almost the exact same as my SM's was many years ago. I was rejected from the resentment my SM held onto and could not let go of resulting in me being sent to be raised by other family because my father did choose to stand by her decision and ultimately lead to their divorce years later from what I understand...I still have never spoken to any of them since being sent away all those years ago...I can possibly help you with some insite from the SD perspective to help you have a better outcome for your family, granted many years difference along with different generation beliefs....but I promise it isn't too late to help her if you choose to... ultimately this decision can pave your future effecting those closest around you.

How is the SD with you? Set aside the resentment feeling you have when answering or at least try.

Can you ever see yourself wanting to form a relationship with her?

What are her positive qualities?

Why does she choose to act out? 

When acting out is that her only attention she gets if so, is that why she does it?

What makes her happy?

What does she think of her siblings?

What does she think of her father coming into the picture after all these years?

Is she willing to show you what she is capable of if given the chance?

How/what does the SD feel/think knowing her father has another family?

What is she wanting to see in the future for her and her possible relationship with her father, siblings and you?

Why does she cut?

What is important to her?

How does she see her self-worth and why?

What helps her knowing/understanding she is accepted?

For me growing up it was hard..like any "normal" child I just wanted a mother or father to accept me or want me. For a very brief time I did live with my mother who was an addict/alcoholic. I thought as long as I was the "little mother" in the house helping raise my little brother I could stay. Cleaning the house,cooking, making sure brother was bathed and had clean clothes, trying to make good grades, never asking for friends to come over,staying out of the way by any way possible would allow me to stay. It didn't. I was suicidal more times than not depressed all the time....

So I understand the hardship this young girl is going through more so....I can only pray you choose to open your heart to the possibilities.

 

 

Just confused's picture

Yes please! I want my feelings to change! I don’t want her to hate me or for my DH to hate the way I’m feeling or me. 

She was quiet when we had those few visits. 

I would love to be able to enjoy her company and not dread every time the phone rings. 

As for positive qualities, I don’t know. We don’t know her that well. 

Acting out...probably because that’s the only time she gets attention and like all kids, any kind of attention is better than none. 

What makes her happy, like I said this all is very new. We still don’t know her yet. 

Siblings: she doesn’t like young kids from what I’ve been told, the 2 times she was around my kids, she didn’t seem to want to interact with them. 

Her thoughts on her father coming into the picture was all her grandmother and her doing so I’m not sure. 

Since they restarted talking, she’s been acting out more and calling DH to tell him bad things she’s done. 

We don’t know how she feels about her dad having another family. 

For all the rest of the questions, we are still getting to know her. Since her and her father just started talking, she has only been talking to him. I’ll update when I know more. 

My only concern is for my kids. I know for their father having her in his life is not a question. But if she does have all these problems, they need to be worked out before entering my kids lives again. My kids come first. But since I’ll always pick my kids over anyone and everyone, if she doesn’t get right... I don’t have an obligation to have her around her siblings. To me, she is someone else’s child. I picked my family as far as cutting off my father to protect my kids and he means more to me. Please don’t think I’m typing this in a negative tone, I swear it’s not Smile I’m just trying to get my point understood, but reading back through it sounds like I’m being mean when that’s not what I’m trying to do. 

DaniSanti83's picture

I just spent 3 hours plus writting to you going through reading it so that it made sense lol then I guess it timed me out and I lost everything I put in there...I'm sorry. I am fairly new to this and doing it from my phone rather than the computer. When I hit send it said I am not authorized to send messages to this user? So I am going to type it out again may take me a bit.

Just confused's picture

I approved your friend request Smile so if it happens to time you out, just send it in sections so you don’t lose everything Smile