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Talking to SD8 about the separation

DoubleUteeEFF's picture


Not like it matters now but I'm curious if others feel the way I do.

I have left DH. I had two options, another state 20
Hours away, or another city in current state 3 hours away. I chose the 3 hours. I want my son to see his father as much as possible. Even if it's harder on me. Moving states away is just not in the best interest of my son and his relationship with his parents. Even though the states away option is a better choice for me personally. It was a hard decision to make.

Anyway! I told DH that I wanted to speak with SD8 (she was 2 when we met) and let her know that I love her and am always here for her, etc etc.
This weekend he had her and I drove back into town and stayed with a friend. DH said he didn't want our son and wanted to spend the weekend alone with just SD. This sort of annoyed me because his schedule is pretty restricting. Considering the distance between us now and the fact that me being back in town made it so convenient for him to see his son, it upset me when he declined. But I also understood why. I guess.

One of the issues we had in our marriage was parenting together to sd. I was always made the villain. We never worked as a team. He would tell me that I needed to love her as if she was my own daughter but then get upset anytime I treated her as such. Aka. Parented her. He would leave for work and say things like "bond with her today". I always felt that he put a wedge there by trying to not have a wedge put there.
I suggested that we talk to her together. If our son was older (he's 1), we would have sat down together to speak to him, TOGETHER. So because SD isn't my biological (even though, again, he tried to force me to feel as if she was) we can't sit down and talk to her at the same time? He said he was her father and he wanted to do it alone and if I still wanted to talk to her (which I do), I'll just have to do it another time.
When? Who knows! This weekend was a perfect opportunity but nope.
She's known me her whole life. She's eight now!
This just reaffirms so many problems I've brought up to him that he never cared to resolve. It kinda hurts me. Tonight, I asked him how that talk went and he said it went well. He said he was emotional...Ans she was more so the supporter. (Eye roll). He said she was her normal giddy self and just asked when she could see us (ds and I) again. Which could have been this weekend but again...nope.


notsurehowtodeal's picture

Judge much?

Have you read all of the OP's blogs? For that matter - did you read this one? She is a SAHM who has been the victim of domestic violence and is moving out on her own. Her whole second paragraph talks about wanting to make sure her soon-to-be ex can see their son as much as possible.

He apparently isn't too worried about seeing his son as he chose not to this weekend when he had the opportunity.

Amcc13's picture

This is tough for you but this man was controlling when you are with him and not controlling when you are not with him. He will never change his ways. I want you to accept that you must prepare for the worst situitation: you must be prepared for him to not let you talk to sd and to go so far as to turn sd against you and your son. This is the worst case scenario but we see it here all the time.

The most important thing for you to focus on at the moment is yourself and your child. Create a positive and living home for both of you and get back on your feet. We are all here to support you doing that and do your best to create a local support group for yourself too. You have done a generous thing to stay so close but remember this man is not generous or kind. The best thing for your young son is to see you happy and well and thriving - if the option 20 hours away better suits this maybe reconsider it but if you think you can build a life where you are please do the best for yourself

Next you need to consider what this man will do and say in court to damage you. He may say you are an unfit mother who never looked after sd so you must be also ready for this. Get a good attorney who will do the dirty work for you. You seem like such a nice person who is trying to do right by everyone but yourself. Please take care of yourself mentally physically emotionally and legally in the upcoming time

Disneyfan's picture

His answer should have been NO from the start.

If your relationship with dad is over, then you should not longer have a connection to his daughter. How/what he tells her about the divorce isn't your business.

You're on your way to being a pain in the neck for your son's future SM. No SM wants to deal with a BM who can't let go of her former stepkid.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

Thank you.
Sd is my son's half sibling. I understand that I left DH but that doesn't mean I suddenly don't give a shit about SD anymore because she's not my child. I expect comments like that on this sight though. I've been on here for 6 years, so I'm not surprised. Lol

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

Lol. Which blog are you referring to where I stated I didn't like her or want her around?
The one where I said I didn't want her sick self kissing me while I was pregnant?
Or the one where mil has her for a sleep over and then changed her mind at 10pm to bring her back home?
The one where I talked about how SD was inconsiderate of her things and acting like a snobby ass to everyone?
Or maybe this one...oh wait, I didn't blog about it, when my son (then 9months - early walker) knocked down some of HIS puzzles from his shelf and she got annoyed and shoved him down and he hit his head on the hard wood floors.
Or maybe it's the one where i said I didn't want DH'a tattoo of her name on his chest in my maternity pictures?
You're right. I must hate her guts and not want her around.

SD is like many skids we discuss here. A child. A child with two different households where she's at the other one more and you don't know what rules or lack there of, or what values are being taught. She's a pain in the ass sometimes. She's whiny sometimes. She's lazy and wants to watch tv all day. But I have never not loved her or wanted her around. If anything, I wish she was around more to offset the manipulation her mother puts her through.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

It's been harder where I'm at now.
I've definitely been tempted to move further. Not to be vindictive but because it'll be so much easier for me. I have free child care there and a place to stay for free so I can get on my feet.
DH cleaned out the bank so I have no money. No money and a toddler.
Oh ya I forgot to post about that one. I'm really tired of being nice to him because he keeps just being an ass to me.
Oh yeah. I also didn't post about this but 6 days after I left, he was already talking to another woman.
But people here want to try and make it out like I'm the issue here. Lol.
I have my son FaceTime him every morning after waking up and every night before bed. He can see his son whenever he wants so long as he lets me know. I know his work rotation but I told him I'm Not going to keep up with it and ask him if he wants his son. If he wants his son he can just let me know when. I have a million other things to worry about.

twoviewpoints's picture

Have you went to see about CS getting started? While that won't , of course, support you , it will ensure your son some of kid needs cost met.

Look into state supplemented assistance for daycare needs. Social service programs were created to give assistance to people who need a temporary helping hand. Fleeing a violent husband absolutely is reason to reach out to the programs.

Disneyfan's picture

"Are the son and SD half-siblings? If so, it's not unreasonable for OP to continue to want a positive relationship with SD."

Do you have any idea how many posters here are dealing with more than one BM? Some of those women are dealing with former SMs who won't let go.

The OP doesn't have to be involved with her ex's daughter in order for the kids to maintain a relationship. That is up to the dad to handle.
Her husband's controlling and compartmentalization are no longer her concern. They are getting a divorce. What he does or doesn't do with his daughter is none of her business now.

moeilijk's picture

I don't agree that this is so black-and-white.

If I were married for 15 years to a custodial dad, and had a 17 yo step-daughter, along with lots of regular interactions with MIL, SIl, BIL, cousins, nieces, etc... Getting divorced wouldn't mean that I have no more contact with all those people. A divorce doesn't work like turning out the light; people, families, and relationships are all a lot more complex than on/off.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

I have deleted a lot of posts pertaining to how he treated me, out of frustration because every time I vented about him, people would refer to the old ones and make me feel stupid for continuing to stay with him in the first place.

No. It was not a violence abuse. He is violent though. He's destroyed the house in rage, pulled my hair and has pushed me around. Also thrown things at me or yanked me. He stranded me while 7m pregnant and has busted down a door with me behind it, hitting me while I held our 4mo.
But he's never out right slapped or punched me - if that's what you're asking.

Aniki's picture

Yes. And if the SD pushed her 9 month old half-brother down, she may very well be following in her daddy's footsteps. Sad

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Laying hands on you without your permission is domestic violence. (Pulling your hair, pushing you, yanking you, hitting you with the door, etc.) Your last blog said you had to push him off of you.

Damaging things in the house is also a form of domestic violence.

Just because he never slapped or punched you does not mean that he has not committed domestic violence. You need to quit making excuses for him as far as the violence is concerned.

You have a lot to deal with right now, but when things calm down I urge you to get some counseling so you can understand that you were a victim of domestic violence and figure out ways to have healthier relationships in the future.

moeilijk's picture

Who the EFF cares what a bunch of online strangers think? You only need to do what is right and safe for you and your kid. There can be a bizarre one-upmanship in victimhood - Oh, you say you were abused? Well, it wasn't as bad as what I went through! WHO CARES?

For all of you who had to deal with abuse on any level and got out - I hope you are really proud of yourselves. If it went on for a long time, then you can really be proud for breaking a cycle that is really hard to break. It doesn't get easy, it just gets further and further in the rearview and less and less influence.

And it doesn't really matter how long ago it happened, these experiences are heavy sh!t and you might need to get some support processing it from time to time for decades.