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(Ex) Mil shows favoritism for SD.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

Am I over reacting?

XMIL is always posting about xSD9 and sharing pictures of her. Her fb timeline photo is of SD. She always posts pics of her captioning it "my angel." "I just love her". Etc etc.

She never posts anything of my son(1).
She has zero pics of him. I just don't get it.
I feel like there's a huge favoritism. It's not like she's friends with BM. She can't stand her.
I know she watched SD come into the world. She always boasts about seeing her "come to life and enter the world". I know she was pissed that I didn't want anyone in the delivery room. Nor did I want visitors for the first week. So I don't get it? Is ot because she didn't watch my child come out of my vagina?
Or is it just that SD is the first grandchild and only girl.
It really bugs me how it all Sd This and Sd that from her and she never talks about my son.


JezabelinHell's picture

My stepMIL and FIL do the same. Fawn over SS. Only come visit when he's here. Take him out to do special things, they've never taken my DS3 or DS 22mos to do anything. We were even on vacation last summer and I walked in in the kitchen and SMIL says "so what's SS up to?" With a big smile on her face, my reply "uh, watching tv with the other two, you know, his brothers." We live 5 minutes away. I don't particularly care for them either way, so it's no biggie that I don't see them often, but I don't like the unfairness to the children.

JezabelinHell's picture

This being said, I do think it's "normal" for grandparents to have a favorite. SMIL and FIL favor SS. MIL favors DS3. Great Grandmother favors DS22mos. The difference is MIL and GG DONT exclude or only think of one child, you can just tell they have a better bond with the others. I was my maternal grandmothers favorite, my sister was the favorite of the paternal grandparents, but neither of them acted like the other didn't exist.

still learning's picture

It may not be "normal" for gp's to have a favorite, but it's very common. Make sure ds gets extra attention in other ways.

notasm3's picture

Only true aholes do this sort of thing. Over my many years there have been many times that I actually liked one child over another in the same family. I would so go out of my way to be fair to both children that more than one of my dear long time friends talks about the special relationship I had with "x" child - when the truth of the matter was that I found "x' child to be horrid. But I never showed that in my actions.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

Yes! She lives two miles away (well, did since i left DH and have since moved). But anyway, two miles! And she never asked if she could see my son or anything. But every time SD was over, she asked for her all the time. Asked exH if she could take her. Takes her to all sorts of fun things. Buys her whatever she wants. My son is only 1 so I don't allow anyone to take him anywhere. But I have dropped him off to her so they can hang out for a couple of hours). Still. In that time she watches him, plays with him and seems to enjoy him. But she never posts about their time. Sd is there now and they swam in her pool earlier. She was posting all over fb about them spending time in the pool and posting pics of SD saying how much she just loved her. It's not like she ever saw my son more than she sees SD. My son has only been over a handful of times. She's played with him in the pool before. I just think it's weird how she is always posting about sd and there's not a single post or picture about my son. She sees my son just as little - now probably much less considering I moved a couple hours away.

JezabelinHell's picture

Yeah. I only wanted DH in the delivery room, but everyone that wanted to wait out the labor and delivery and then come in was welcome too. I understand not wanting a house full of people all the time, or people just barging in whenever, but NO visitors and a new baby. That's so exciting for everyone. I did request that people called DH first to see if we were up for company, sleeping, feeding, etc. but welcoming the family in was awesome! We got meals, my house was cleaned, I got to take naps. Having those extra hands was a blessing for sure. Treating kids differently is not ok, but neither is shutting out family and then wondering why they aren't knocking down the door. There must be more history to yours and MILs relationship, so I'm trying not to judge when I only have a few paragraphs to go off of.

twoviewpoints's picture

"I slapped her in the face, so I don't know why she doesn't like my son."

I think perhaps a statement of "doesn't like my son" could be a jump. The lady has barely been given a chance to know her grandson, let alone bond with him. I'm sure the about 18month old and his grandmother could build a close relationship given time and opportunity. I do hope when Dad gets his set schedule for parenting time, that the child and grandmother are allowed to make up lost time. Maybe she'll be given a chance to chase the toddler around for an afternoon at the park/zoo and giggle together over Sunday morning pancakes.

I don't know to what extent the OP carried through with her plans of attachment parenting she mentioned prior. Degree may have played a role in isolation of normal attempts of extended family.

I'm not suggesting OP deliberately set out to alienate the grandmother from grandchild, but I am saying OP can't lay lack of a relationship between grandmother/grandson all at grandma's feet. As you said, some of this 'favoritism' towards the granddaughter appears to be natural (not perhaps intentional) consequences of OP'S own doings.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

Some of you are just seriously ridiculous and jump to way too many conclusions before knowing shit.

First of all. BM is a bitch to MIL. She never let her see sd the same way she never let stbexh see SD, his own child.
Mil wasn't around during his never endin custody battle. That was me. I was the one picking up the shift of watching SD or doing exchanges because I was the only help he had.
We ended up moving closer to MIL to make it easier on me so she can help out more when I needed it. Especially since I was pregnant (att).
MIL is invading. So no. We haven't always had the most perfect relationship. When I was pregnant she made me feel ridiculous for wanting to breastfeed or cosleep. She broke into my house while I was at work to build a crib for my son that was the style of HER liking. Then she removed the one I wanted off of my registry stating it was "purchased" that way none of my other guests to my baby shower would by me a crib. The crib she got wasn't even the one I had wanted.
It took me a long time to put her in her place when she overstepped her boundaries. Even so, after stating that I didn't want anyone in the delivery room, she tried to come in. MULTIPLE TIMES. Causing me stress during labor because the nurses kept bugging me about some lady asking 21 questions and asking if they can let her into the room.
I didn't want visitors for a week. But three days after birth, I told MIL that she can come over. She said she was busy. Bitter because she didn't see him deliver? Whatever. I told her to let me know when she wants to come by. She didn't until 3 weeks later. She wouldn't talk to me. We usually have thanksgiving at her house but ended up doing it at mine with some of my family. Yup. Two weeks postpartum and hosting friggin thanksgiving. We live two miles away and I know she wasn't out of town or busy. Especially considering the holiday. She works from home with the business she owns and has freedom to come and go and do what she wants. She could have came.

My son goes over to her house lots of times. I'm always the one making an effort for that to happen. She never asks for him but she never says no if I offer. When I say go over, I mean just him. They get alone hang out time.
I don't let him sleep over. He's only one. When he's older, he can. He hangs out with her anywhere from 2-4 hours depending on him.
No. I don't let her drive anywhere with him. She thinks it's ridiculous that have him rear facing still. She doesn't know how to use a car seat. And she's a fucking terrible driver who got into two accidents last year at HER fault.

She's more than welcome to spend time with him whenever she wants. I don't understand how not seeing him exit my vagina puts a hinder on how she feels about him.
Many times she's made plans with BM to take Sd And BM would flake on her last minute.
That's why XMIL is always trying to take XSD during ExH's time.
But anyway. A few of you are right. They're all exes. I don't care. I've unfollowed them. I have enough family to give my child love and attention and make up where she lacks.

notasm3's picture

Oh please - any woman who would basically "disown" a grandchild because it's mother didn't allow her in the delivery room or to visit the first week is an idiot who is best kept away anyways.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

MIL and I are a lot alike.
She's not terrible, and she's great with the kids. She helps out whenever she's called on. She's reliable and caring.
That's why it kinda upsets me seeing SD this and that all over her Facebook and realize that she never posts about my son. Her husband (exsfil) posts about my son when he's there. So idk. It's just an obvious favoritism. I know mil always wanted a daughter and ended up with three boys. SD is the first and only girl so I can understand her being partial to her. BUT again, you don't have to make it obvious.
I have two nieces and I am closer with one of them more than the other. However I never say that or express it. I treat them equally and love them equally. No one would ever know, through my actions, that I "favor" one over the other.

But as I stated already, I know I can't control her and how she feels. I'm just venting here. I'm off her Facebook soooooo I don't have to see the SD worshiping on her page.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

Thank you. That was mentioned and does make some sense.
BM doesn't have a say in how exH parents on his time. And exH is laid back and let's SD do whatever she wants which gives exMIL the freedom to do whatever she wants with Sd. Much like what you described. I've always been the order. The one to say "no". The one to make sure SD ate well and bathed (seriously if it was up to exH, sd would never bathe during his time. Much less brush her dang teeth). Make sure she went to bed and didn't stay up all night on the iPad with unlimited internet access.
I did/do things differently with my son than what was done with SD.
I like your approach to your daughter and will save that for later of my ever asks about it. Right now he's young and doesn't know anything.
Now that I've left stbxh and live a few hours away, I contact exMIL to see if she wants to FaceTime my son.
Now that ex and I are separating, like BM, I won't have much of a say in how he does things with our son during his time with him. So whatever. I'll always help foster those relationships though. Family is important to me overall and I wouldn't push my own feelings of someone onto my kid. I don't have a problem with mil. She annoys me sometimes and we have joked about it. But whatever.