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SD8 LIER HELP!

MySunshine23's picture

Submitted by MySunshine23 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 10:02am

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SD8 (8YROLD) is at my home every other weekend. I always make sure to have craft activities, outside fun, just things for the two of us to do together. Ever since my daughter BD (8 MONTHS NOW) was born I go above and beyond to make sure SD8 is not feeling excluded cause I have to care for my BD. I make a point to spend the same amount of time with her. So before her last visit she came to our home with a list of why I'm a B! How she doesn't feel comfortable when she is here to see BF, why is he scared of me, why doesn't BF talk to BM more often, BF doesn't call SD8 enough, I don't spend any time with her, I make her have manners, and good personal hygiene, etc. I think her UNFIT BM is putting a lot of this in her head during their visits. ( SD8 BM was proven unfit in court when she was 4) I have been disengaged as far as making her act like a lady. If BF doesn't care why should I. I did this because she continues to call me the maid! I didn't however stop spending time with her. BF feels it is no big deal that she lies about me. This was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm Done! I don't want SD8 around my BD. She is always trying to spilt on her by accident of course! Why would I want BD around a lier and a thief. How do I handle this up coming weekend?

JustPeachy22's picture

Submitted by JustPeachy22 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 10:08am

I have come to the conclusion after 2 yrs. that nothing I do for SD would be good enough in her eyes or FDH or FMIL. So I am disengaged. I work full time, go to school, take care of MY responsibilities. EOW they come to visit FDH, not me. I'm not ugly to them, I cook meals, I go to church we have family over,but, her entertainment is not my job.

MySunshine23's picture

Submitted by MySunshine23 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 10:39am

I went to my grandmas house for one day of her last visit. Which I had to cut short since we were invited to dinner with BF boss. I told BF about my feeling and how it is unacceptable behavior on SD8 part and I will not encourage this bad behavior by acting like nothing is wrong. So before leaving for dinner she comes to me with a smirk and mumbles I'm sorry. I ask her for what? She says I don't know and laughs. This was his attempt to just smooth things over with me not really address the situation. I am so frustrated.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 11:05am

OH god your BF sounds like GG exactly! It's MY fault that his kids bought into the PAS! I agree with Justpeachy's advice. Hard as it is to follow.

JustPeachy22's picture

Submitted by JustPeachy22 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 11:17am

I must be really bad because I don't find it hard to follow at all! LOL! But in my situation, I have an older BS and I have been far past the "spending time doing craft phase" for a long time now.

MySunshine23's picture

Submitted by MySunshine23 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 1:19pm

Exactly! Well it not my fault or my place to try and make up for the fact that every adult in her life has failed her. They are only continuing to do damage by allowing her to feel as if she is in charge of them. She is not responsible for her own actions. She will only get worse. Why are some people so irresponsible? Not the BM OR BF where ready or capable to care for a child! BM still isn't and will never get custody back. Yet she is still allowed unsupervised visits.

MySunshine23's picture

Submitted by MySunshine23 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 2:20pm

I defiantly stay focused on the positive. Spending time with BD however when SD8 is around she is constantly trying to get up in BD face and as soon as SD8 thinks BF isn't watching here comes the splitting. I don't know how to keep SD8 away from BD other than to just tell her to go away. Which doesn't bother me SD8 already thinks I'm a B so. Is there something I could say to put her in her place? I just feel so angry that she is being allowed to disrespect me and I'm supposed to just act like nothing happened or in BF words be the adult!

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 2:27pm

What do you do when she spits in bd face? How does her dad react? Is flat out tell her that she isn't allowed to be near the baby due to her behavior, and that if she can prove to you that she can get control of herself, then she can be near the baby again.

I had to do that with my SD (then 6)when my son was born. She was constantly coughing and sneezing right in his face.... Like 4 inches away. She was banned from being near him for about a month until she could prove to me that she could consistantly cover her mouth and nose, and blow her nose so she didn't have boogers running down her face. DH didn't like it much, but I held my ground.... Not about to have had my newborn get sick because she's a nasty ass.

MySunshine23's picture

Submitted by MySunshine23 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 3:48pm

SD8 does exactly that! The sneezing and coughing in BD face, right in her face. I tell SD8 to cover her mouth. The only time I do say something is if it directly effects BD or myself. I am consistent with this so now here comes the spitting. She pretends to be playing with BD but SD8 is just try a different approach to her hate for BD. SD8 is a nasty ass!

smileygirl's picture

Submitted by smileygirl on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 2:53pm

I agree with LilyFlower. It's much more difficult when you have your own child there but I have on several ocassions ban SS's from contact with my child because their behavior was not acceptable. And in general, I am here because I am married to my husband not because I owe this kid anything. While I will do what I can to assist my husband with his children...I view them as just that. Just like you, too many years of going out of my way to dispell the evil-stepmother myth and basically be the only adult in their lives doing anything for them just to have the little snots throwing it back in my face just did me in. Now, I'm here & your here so we have to interact with each other but I don't have to love you and I don't have to fake it either. It's all just part of the job of being DH's wife. I try to be civil and just get the job done with out complaint or hostility just like at my office job. Then when I'm on the verge of losing my mind, DS and I leave for a while for some mommy and me time.

MySunshine23's picture

Submitted by MySunshine23 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 4:13pm

So do I just go to grandmas for the weekend or just tell SD8 to stay away from BD since she can't be trusted not to spit, sneeze or cough in BD face.

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 4:25pm

Well, that really up to you. How would your Dh react to each option? How would SD?

Running to another house doesn't really solve the problem, it just delays it till next visit. I wouldn't start that habit unless youcare going to continue it for the next ten years. sd might actually like having you gone, and then she will just escalate the issues to keep you away from her daddy on her visits. If she sees being mean to bd as a way to get rid of you, you'd be creating way more problems for yourself down the road.

But, if Dh doesn't have your back on this issue, then protecting bd by keeping her away might be best.

Maybe do a bit of both. Tell SD that she is not allowed robbed near bd untilshe can show both you and bd respect. And then find a lot of things to do outside the house, and take bd with you. And if it happens to e really fun things that bd will be jealous she missed out on, all the better. Id probably plan a trip to the zoo, or the kids museum, a day at the park, or a day of shopping and come home with lots of clothes and toys.