"It's not fair to them" - BM wants to change vistiation dates.
Once again I’m seeing that any time there’s going to be conflict BM goes straight to SO and completely locks me out. Given I’m glad I don’t have to deal with it directly but we’ve been using a group text for months now. EVERYTHING goes through it except when she wants to fight or try to manipulate SO.
This time it’s over summer. BM had already asked me over the phone about exchanging a few days so the kids could do something with their church. I told her no problem EXCEPT for a certain set of dates when we already have plans that were made in January. Any other days we could work something out.
Guess what the messages were about? Yep BM asking SO if she could have the exact dates I already told her no to. I guess she hoped SO wouldn’t be informed and would agree through text which of course would override what I told her over the phone. SO asked me I confirmed the dates of our plans and he told her no so she started laying in about how the kids would have to miss the event and it wasn’t fair to them. Too bad too sad.
Edit:
I should add that SO makes all final decisions about visitation with the kids but I’m the one who keeps up with our homes schedule. BM knows this so that’s why she asked me first. I told her it wouldn’t be a problem and to get back with us about the exact dates because I KNOW SO would be ok with it. He already changes her “weekend” visitation during the summer block to week days because she works only weekends.
I only agree to things I know my partner is ok with such as accepting extra time with the kids.
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Let it go. Delete the group
Let it go. Delete the group message and block her. Your SO is a grown up and can keep up with the calendar himself or learn to ask your first.
Sometimes my kids that I have
Sometimes my kids that I have 100% of the time miss events because of scheduling conflicts. It happens. I'd just stop responding to the guilt tripping bs.
SO didn't take the bait. I've
SO didn't take the bait. I've just noticed how she tries to play him. She KNEW the dates wouldn't work and just hoped he'd slip up.
Thats good. I'd be irritated
Thats good. I'd be irritated that she tried to undermine you also. It's like a kid going to ask dad when mom says no lol.
I wouldn’t say I’m irritated
I wouldn’t say I’m irritated because I expect her to do this. I’m glad SO has learned how to deal with it. It's not so much trying to undermine me as much as it is hoping she can still manipulate SO.
I help DH with organizational
I help DH with organizational stuff, but no way in hell am I dealing with the narcissistic woman he knocked up.
^^^ I help. I'll do pick ups
^^^ I help. I'll do pick ups and drop offs because it's minimal contact. But under NO circumstances will I EVER let her have my number. Period.
I've said about 5 words to
I've said about 5 words to her in 9 years. I gray rocked her from the get go and she's never targeted me. I'm not dealing with her, not my job.
I gray rocked BioHo until she
I gray rocked BioHo until she pushed me to the limit. At which time, I promised her I'd obtain a RO if she didn't cease and desist. Haven't heard a peep from her since.
I've been shoved, cussed out,
I've been shoved, cussed out, called a wh0re, etc. No need to give her any method to contact me. Hence she's not allowed at or in my home, AND my number shall remain a secret.
I seem to be the exception
I seem to be the exception but for me being the primary contact for BM for scheduling/smaller things has made my life much easier and greatly reduced the amount of drama. Anything serious or if there ever was a disagreement I'd hand it straight over to DH to deal with still though.
^ This
^ This
Except we've found the group text to be a lot easier. She is the one who started it and she’s never misused it. She knows I won’t put up with it. I made it clear the first summer when she asked for my phone number to be able to call the kids while SO was at work that if there was ever and issue I would block her. She has never abused the privilege.
We’ve found that she won’t use the group text if she knows her behavior isn’t acceptable. She knows SO “has” to deal with her so she can push the limits with him but SO has learned to selectively ignore and hang up if she crosses any lines.
She knew the pity party wouldn’t work with me and tried to go behind my back by just texting SO. SO told her that he couldn’t exchange those dates and when she tried to guilt trip he ignored.
I’m not upset about her doing it and I’m not letting it wreck my day. I expect this kind of stuff and it just confirms what we’ve come to expect from her. I come here because I’m sure others have experienced this too.
Yep. Shes tried to manipulate
Yep. Shes tried to manipulate me a few times and just made herself look like an idiot and quickly backpedaled. She cant use SD to guilt trip me and doesnt get the emotional response she wants if she tries to provoke me passive aggressively either. If she was like some of the BMs on here that are just blatantly aggressive and dont care about looking crazy to people they dont know well it probably wouldnt work. But some of the qualities that make me dislike her as a person (sneaky, passive aggressive, desperate need to appear perfect and holier than thou) actually makes it easier to deal with her on the level needed (which is as little as possible). I'm also in the same boat as you and run the household schedule etc so its reduces the amount of times DH screws that up or doesnt want to tell her no because "it's bad for poor little SD and hes the worst daddy in the world"
I wouldn't say that I'm BM's
I wouldn't say that I'm BM's primary contact, but she definitely contacts me for some things. I am the planner and organizer in our family, so I'm the one who is familiar with the calendar. Having once been married to SO, BM is familiar with his "organizational limits." I don't particularly care for BM, but she is mentally stable, has her children's best interests in mind, and does not use her children as pawns or weapons, so I don't mind communicating with her and see nothing wrong with it. If I had one of the narcissistic, personality disordered, vindictive, troublemaking or psycho BMs that some of you have, she would be blocked for sure. And the moment BM ever tries to undermine me would be the moment I stopped communicating with her.
"It's not fair to them" =
"It's not fair to them" = "This will inconvenience me."
I don't get how people don't get this. I really don't. Guess what, I don't get to do everything with my BS that I would like to do because my a-hole ex has 3 days in 7. It's not really fair to my son that the lets him play video games all day on the weekend and lets him be a lump. It's not really fair to ME that he does no homework with him. It's not really fair to my son that I have to squeeze in homework and any - yes ANY - extracurricular on my time because his dad is too lazy to do them.
But if I want a variation in schedule, I ask. If the answer is no, I respect it and walk away. My ex not so much. And BM - oh heck no, she just sneaks around and plans and books stuff anyway.
Because they are self
Because they are self-centered and feel entitled to what they want. And they know how to bully and/or manipulate until they get what they want.
She can try and she'll fail.
She can try and she'll fail. She has never actually violated the order. She tried at the start and even tried using the lawyers and was clearly told it wouldn’t go well for her. The order clearly states these days are SO’s and I have email proof these dates were set way before she tried requesting a change. We have plenty of evidence showing we do work with her when possible and we would have but this just didn’t work out.
She used to punish him by removing extra time with the kids but since her dad got really sick she can’t do that anymore. She NEEDS us more than we need her. If she punishes him by removing the extra time she lets us have them outside of the order then she actually has to be a parent and keep the kids herself or find someone else to and oh my she might have to pay them.
He told her no so she started
He told her no so she started laying in about how the kids would have to miss the event and it wasn’t fair to them.
What I find interesting is BM asks about the dates, you & H agreed it didn't work out and replied no but she's here throwing a tantrum and guilt trip. Why bother asking??? SMH......
She hadn't asked me about the
She hadn't asked me about the exact dates. She had called about something else and told me that there was a church camp thing she wanted to change dates so the kids could attend. I told her it wouldn't be a problem EXCEPT it couldn't be these exact dates becuase we already had plans.
But I told her over the phone and she hoped SO wouldn't know the exact dates and would agree through text. She keeps forgetting that SO and I actally talk about things. He didn't remember the exact dates but did check with me before telling her no.
Why do you talk to her.
She does not listen to a word you say. You can talk to the wall and get the same results. Disengage from BM, Make your plans if SK miss out, so be it. After the first or second time SK will get the hint
I never said she doesn’t
I never said she doesn’t listen to a word I say. I said she acted like a child. I told her no so she went behind my back thinking SO wouldn’t know.
The SK’s won’t miss out on the activity with us because we made sure to plan it during his time. We would love if they could do what BM wanted also but our plans were set first and that’s how it is.
What IS this emergent event that isnt fair to the chilllldrennnn
Ahhh yes....one of my favorite "REASONS" to change stuff is Church 'activities'.
A cherry on the top might be "GRANNY takes kid to church activity'.
Something I learned here on ST by "Orange County" was Never ask for changes to the court order and never give changes especially with high conflict ex's.
What is not fair to a child is when 1 parent minimizes, slowly chisels away at already limited time with ncp parent.
If we followed the order we’d
If we followed the order we’d have less time than we are getting. For over half a year we’ve had almost every single weekend though the official order states every other weekend. We ended up with almost an extra week at Christmas and every other school holiday that’s come up this year.
BM’s request wasn’t unreasonable and would have been accepted had it not been that we already have plans.
She's not quiet what I call high conflict. She thinks she’s entitled.