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Alexander Nevermind's picture

Hello everyone, I’m new so let me start by saying hello, I’m a 25 year old single father who needs some advice because I have no one to talk to, and I found this site while doing some research on google. Let me start by saying I have a beautiful daughter who is 2 years old, her and I live with my current girlfriend who also has 4 of her own kids, it has not always been easy but we have both been making it work seeing as it’s our first relationship since we both split from the person we had kids with. Lately for me though my life and our relationship has been on a rollercoaster, in the beginning it was smooth, we blended well, I helped her with her kids and vice versa, but lately we’ve been arguing and having disagreements about everything. Let me start by saying I failed to set boundaries with my current girlfriend and my ex. I was naive and thinking that we could all get along and be mature adults, but I feel like they are both immature when it comes to this situation. My ex plays games I know she’s not over me, and uses my daughter as leverage against me because I currently don’t have rights to her, but I’m working on that. My current girlfriend unfortunately is insecure and petty, there is a lot of tit for tat and other things but I won’t get into all that, as I mentioned before she has 4 kids and I coming into the relationship had the impression that when you date a person with kids, you willingly or unwillingly are signing up to play some sort of role of a parent, ala step parent. So I had no problem being there for her and her kids especially considering their bio dad has no part in it. And like I told her from the beginning one of the things I was looking for in a potential mate was a woman who was willing to be a stepmom, and by her having kids you think she would understand that but I guess not, anyway today we got into an argument because my ex told me basically if I want to see my daughter I better not have my girlfriend with me when I come pick her up, and unfortunately I’m stuck playing her games because I have no rights to my daughter at the moment, but my girlfriend is pissed, saying how is my ex gonna dictate what she does in our car, considering her name is on it, (we both financed a car) and that I shouldn’t separate her. Needless to say I already knew what was going to happen, and my main concern is my daughter not the games any of them want to play so I left her at home and went to get my daughter. Apparently that was a bad move because like I said she was pissed that I would leave her, and she’s done playing mommy because she’s only mommy when it’s me and her but to my ex she has no part, we are splitting families, I take care of mine and she takes care of hers. I’m so stressed out it’s crazy and I apologize if none of this makes sense, but I feel like she’s making me choose between her and my daughter, I asked her what she would do in my shoes and she said she would have not gone without me, I’m like so you wouldn’t see your kids and she said nope. I don’t believe that, she says it has nothing to do with my daughter but how come she can’t see the big picture? Why is it such an issue when it comes to her mom? I’m basically asking if this relationship is worth it or should I cut my losses and get myself out of a stressful environment? Again I apologize if it’s hard to follow but I will answer any questions you have, and I appreciate all responses, thank you

twoviewpoints's picture

You have a GF who may be a mother of four (four more instant kids? WTH were you thinking!?!) but she has a long way to go in learning to trust and when to let you do your c-parenting thing. Being a parent in a divorce means you still must co=parent to some extent and absolutely must communicate with the mother of your child.

Nope, your GF isn't going to like that , but GF needs to back off forcing herself in BM's face. Bottomline, your GF is feeling possessive, jealous and insecure. But by insisting she be front and center with her nose in everything (physically present and involved) is just tossing more logs on your ex's fire. Rightly so. Your ex didn't have a child with your GF. Ex had a child with you and it's you ex has a right to expect to parent with. Not your GF.

You don't have to verbally do much speaking with ex. Communication exchanges can be done by email (email also documents for you). Because your daughter is so young, she really can't run out and jump in the waiting car. No, you will have to get out and ex will have to come out to meet you. No going inside of ex's house, it's not necessary. If it's easier for your GF to cope with, you could agree with ex to meet in a public place to do drop-off and pick-ups.

But let me tell you, these two woman will never be friends. They will never like each other being in your life. Gf won't like that you have this other woman you must deal with and ex won't like someone other woman is helping you with her daughter.

Alexander Nevermind's picture

Thank you for your reply, yeah I don’t know either, in the beginning she had all the traits I was looking for, I later found out she’s very much both ends of the spectrum, that meaning she can be the sweetest girl in the world, but also the meanest. Them never liking each other could be a constant issue in the future, mix that with the fact that my family doesn’t like the situation either and now I’m starting to think that I should just move on.

Disneyfan's picture

Man, let this one go.

Your ex is being an ass, but your GF is also. With 4 damn kids of her own to worry about, how does she find the time to engage in a pissing contest with your ex?

Alexander Nevermind's picture

Thank you for your reply, I’m starting to believe I should cut my losses and learn from this experience going forward, it’s my first merry go round after the split, I just hate to waste my time, and often wonder if I should make things work, but I also don’t want to have my daughter in the crossfire while doing it.

Tomatoe's picture

Your kid COMES FIRST!! Keep working to get rights and maybe don't date for now. Live on your own and raise your kid for a few years do that when you meet the right gal your ready.

Disneyfan's picture

I wouldn't say Don't date yet. Definitely keep putting your child first. Continue dating, but put living with someone on the back burner for a bit.

When my son was growing up, living with someone was not an option. I knew how I wanted to raise my son.

I dated but that was it. I was not willing to allow anyone to enter our circle that would try to guilt/pressure me into changing the dynamics of my home. Or how son's dad and I did things (we didn't have a visitation schedule in place).

strugglingSM's picture

As someone married to a man with a high conflict ex who plays games and has not moved on from their relationship (even though they divorced five years ago and even though she was already remarried when I met my husband), I would offer this piece of advice, you need to learn how to set boundaries with your ex around your personal life before you can have a successful relationship. No woman, no matter how selfless and how mature she is, wants another woman dictated what goes on in her home, what goes on in her life, and when and where she can accompany her SO on things.

You've admitted that your ex still has feelings for you, so it's important that you figure out, now, how to exist as a co-parent with her, but nothing more. There are many people who stay "psychologically married" long after their divorces are finalized (or "psychologically together" after their relationships have ended) and staying psychologically married prevents both parties from having a functional adult relationship with anyone else.

Perhaps, now, instead of being in a relationship, you should focus on formalizing your rights to your daughter and setting boundaries with your ex around your personal life. You will have problems with any future woman in your life if you do not create personal space in your life that your ex is not a part of. This can be a tricky balance with co-parenting, but you'll have to find that balance if you want to have any future romantic relationships.

stepmomfromhell's picture

Your gf already has 4 children and she may not want another child in the house. And it also could be possible that your ex could be picking up on it and may not want your gf parenting your dd only because your gf already is dealing with a full plate.

Try and understand your gf position, she's a mom of 4 and another one coming into the picture could be more than she is willing to deal with. Why not hook up with a woman that has 1 child like you or no children at all, with that, your child will be able to settle in much more easily than with an already made family of 4 other children to compete with.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

blayze's picture

Your girlfriend isn’t being petty by getting upset... it may be your thick-headedness is likely what drove your girlfriend to no longer want to play mommy to your daughter...and I don’t blame her. I’m going to try to make this brief because it’s been a couple days and you haven’t replied to anyone else’s messages.

Here’s the skinny:
If your girlfriend had to pick up important documents from a man’s house – a coworker, boss, clergyman, ex-boyfriend, family friend, etc. - and that man “plays games”, “has feelings for her” AND told her that YOU are not allowed in the car when she comes by, would you be okay with that???

Your girlfriend is trying to demonstrate her position in your life by wanting to be front and center. She probably didn’t need to do that before as you claim that you had a smooth relationship in the beginning, but you have obviously let your ex overstep her boundaries too much and now your girlfriend is RESPONDING to YOUR insecurity.

Insecurity is – a lack of confidence or the state of being open to threat.

You have left your relationship open to threat because as you admitted, you have not gotten your court-ordered visitation set up (which you should have done before you brought someone else into your mess!) and your ex uses the child “as leverage” --- translation: you become a pushover, bow to your ex, and expect your girlfriend to acquiesce as well.

No self-respecting woman wants to be with a man who acts like a b*tch. And how dare you say that your current girlfriend is making you choose between her and your daughter. That simply is not the case. She is begging you to stand up and be a man! If you have to miss a few visits with your daughter until you get your ex in line/get a court order, effing do it! It’s called losing the battle to win the war. Your relationship with your daughter will not suffer if you don’t see her for a few months – she’s TWO! How many memories do you have of people going in and out of your life when you were two?

However, you will cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your girlfriend and her relationship with your daughter if you continue down this path of dismissing her feelings in favor of catering to your ex’s “feelings” and giving your girlfriend the lame ass, weak ass, inexcusable excuse “it’s for my daughter.”

My ex-SO refused to break up with me (which was his ex/baby mama’s demand) while he didn’t have a court-order to see his kids and she was “leveraging” the kids to keep wielding power over him. When he didn’t break up with me, she threw a tantrum and moved the kids 14 hours away! For nearly 8 months, he didn’t see his children… did it hurt him? Sure, it did. But when the kids returned, nothing was different in their relationship with their dad. And you better believe that he immediately began working on getting a court-order to remove some of the power the ex had.

I say that to say, you’ll always be dad. My ex-SO is an ex because he handled too many situations with his ex, his daughters and me haphazardly, and I eventually walked away... which kills him to this day because he realizes all of his mistakes now after the fact. Handle your sh!t with your ex before you drag your woman into your crappy situation and expect her to care more about a child she has no relation to than her own self-esteem!

You are dead wrong in this situation. Stop blaming your girlfriend for your failures, and good luck.

Ispofacto's picture

Without knowing all the details of your relationship I have to say that this may have nothing to do with insecurity. I doesn't take jealousy to not want some vindictive troll of any gender to dictate what you can and cannot do in your own life. It's unlikely any GF you find would want to put up with the sh!t your BM is dishing out. If you are the father, it shouldn't take much time or money to get a visitation schedule. Take care of it. Until then, don't let the BM yank your chain. If your GF came here looking for advice, I would tell her to leave you, because you don't seem to have any empathy for the BS chaos and turmoil your BM is no doubt injecting into her life.