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OnTheFence92's picture

I’ve been in a relationship with this women for 4 months now. She’s amazing, she is the greatest person I’ve ever been with. This is my first healthy and loving relationship. The only issue is, she and her ex, share a child together. He is 4 years old. The child is not biologically my girlfriends. Her ex cheated on her while they were together numerous of times and got pregnant by a bum with mental issues. Literally. My girlfriend took her back while she was 2 months pregnant and decided to raise and take care of the baby as her own... Big mistake if you ask me.. Her ex continued to cheat, they got married, cheated 2 months after their marriage. Let’s just say she’s a stage 5 cheater and a narcissist. 


My girlfriend claimed the reason why she stayed was for the boy, her ex would threaten to take him away from if they weren’t together. What I was getting to is, her ex is a disrespectful ungrateful ass bitch! She LOVES TO POWER TRIP. My girlfriend stepped in, took on a responsibility that was not hers, even though her ex was out there being a cheating slut, she has the boy more than his biological mom does, she buys him everything, shoes, clothes, toys, whatever her ex asks of her for the boy, she gets it, which in reality there’s really nothing he needs because my girlfriend supplies it all. She even pays out of pocket for his daycare etc. He doesn’t want for anything. Now her evil ex, she uses the boy against my girlfriend as a pawn, as a weapon. 


She’s been wishy washy in the past and now, about allowing my girlfriend to get custody and rights by adopting him. One moment she’s considering it and the next moment she’s not for it! We both know that she’s not going to allow my girlfriend custody because then, she won’t be able to use the boy as a pawn in her twisted game. Then she loses all of her power. Meaning she can talk to my girlfriend disrespectfully when she feels like it, because if my girlfriend reacts, her ex is always threatening to take and keep him away. She knows that my girlfriend loves him dearly, so her ex uses that against her. It’s almost like “if you want to continue being in his life you have to do XYZ..” 


She says little things like “you’re a better girlfriend that you are a parent.” Which isn’t true because she’s a GREAT one and I am a witness. She’s just mad because everything isn’t about her or him anymore. She’s with someone else’s (me) and it isn’t a crime to show attention to someone else besides him. One time she threatened to move to another state with him, and she told my girlfriend that she’ll be okay, me and her can just have another baby in the replace of the boy.


Just recently, the both agreed on a date to sign him up for soccer, they both planned on going half with the fee. The bio mom went ahead and did everything early, even paying for the fee. She then demanded my girlfriend to pay her half earlier than what was planned. My girlfriend told her that she was going to have to wait until the original date they both agreed on. Her ex went crazy. Saying things like, “i know you have the money, you got brand new shoes on but can’t give me the $40” just making a BIG deal out of it. It’s not the fact that my girlfriend couldn’t pay for her half at that moment, it was the principal that she’s not jumping when her ex says “jump”. And that made her ex so mad! Mind you, she didn’t have on new shoes and my girlfriend paid for his soccer last season by herself! 


So my girlfriend told her about herself, she told her that she’s ungrateful and how she don’t have to be around at all, and how there’s men out here who don’t even take care of their biological children. She told her that she must’ve forgotten all of the things she’s put her through, (cheating and getting pregnant) she’s treating her like she’s like one who wronged and ruined their marriage. She told her that she’s acting very entitled. Her ex, responded “I don’t need you. He and I will be good regardless of what you do or don’t do for MY son”..... 


Or if my girlfriend doesn’t call to speak to him on her ex’s time, she’ll make petty remarks like “you’re just too busy for him. It seems like you don’t know how to be a parent, maybe you need to fall back and learn how to be a parent before you can speak to him.” She’ll tell the boy that “mommy” (my girlfriend) doesn’t love him and is too busy for him when she doesn’t call on HER time. Mind you, my girlfriend has him 4 and a half days out of the week, does everything for him etc.. More than she does and have ever done. When he’s not with my girlfriend and with his Bio mom, she calls him more than twice a day. I don’t see what’s the harm, even if she did go a day without talking to him. 



They have a set routine for the days he’ll be with my girlfriend and for his bio mom, lately the bio mom has been taking him on my girlfriends set days and keeping him. I hate sitting around and witnessing this. My girlfriend is the sweetest most selfless person I’ve ever met, so it makes me angry that she’s being put this this. My girlfriend can’t argue or fight too much in the fear that her ex is going to take him away from her. In my mind, I’m hoping she DOES so we can move on peacefully with our lives, because in reality my girlfriend is a prisoner. She doesn’t deserve that. 


She honestly does have the option to walk away with no ties, but I know in reality she’s not going to. I honestly feels like my girlfriend is being USED by her. Everyone know that the bio mom is not capable of taking for of him on her own. She doesn’t have the luxury to buy him nice things that my girlfriend does. If it wasn’t for my girlfriend, she would be a lost single mother with a dead beat father. I feel like she deserves custody or adoption of him. What are you guys opinion? What are your advice?

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

I think you should relax a bit and stop winding your gf up about this. Also, she needs to come from the perspective that she is never going to have free parental access to this child. She needs to sit her ex down and explain that she loves their son with all her heart but she is not the whipping boy or the NSA atm. Until shes legally adopted the kid, she needs to stop paying for him. If that means the ex withholds him, so be it. You might as well rip that bandaid off now instead of later after years more emotional torture when the ex demands something that your gf honestly can’t accomplish. GF will just spend the rest of her life beating herself up for being a “failure” and “losing” her son.

justmakingthebest's picture

The longer she waits to cut ties the harder it will be on the child. She has no rights. She is nothing legally to this boy. I understand her love for him, but love and parental rights are two very different things.

The one thing she can try to do is call the exes bluff. Don't give her money, don't take visitation, don't take phone calls until a custody agreement has been signed and ordered. Maybe, just maybe she will be greedy enough that she will do that in order to get money from your GF. If not, then your GF should use that as the clean break that she needs so that everyone can move forward in their lives.

tog redux's picture

Whenever I see this: "I’ve been in a relationship with this women for 4 months now. She’s amazing, she is the greatest person I’ve ever been with" followed by a long story of crazy drama, it makes me shudder.

You barely know this person and yet you are willing to not only sign on for all of this drama, but try to fix it for her, by asking us how to solve it.  I was guilty once too of thinking I could help DH fix it all - NOPE.  I couldn't, and I can't, and when there is a crazy BM in the mix, IT NEVER ENDS. NEVER. In some way or another, that crazy BM will affect your life for as long as you are with this person.

You are in the initial phase of a relationship, where hormones make you think this person is worth any trouble they cause. Please take your time and just date her for a while, and see how things shake out.

She's not "amazing", she's just a normal human being, with strengths, weaknesses, and metric ton of baggage, and don't let "love" fool you into thinking anything else.